Trouble in Paradise
brinaroze1
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
wondering if things are really as bad...
My husband and I have had a rough couple of years. In addition, we had our first baby this year. (She was born in January 2013.) At the time, we were sharing a house with a friend. Over the summer, our friend's employment became more and more unreliable, and the bills started piling up. We decided we had to leave the house, and my parents offered for me and my family to stay with them and have the entire second floor of their house. In October, the three of us (me, DH and DD) moved in.
My parents are not the easiest people to live with. They are a bit conservative, while my husband is the opposite. I've always just gotten along with both, as I am somewhat easy-going. After we moved in, my husband's behavior became intolerable- especially for my mother.
Mother claims that DH is emotionally abusive to me, and disrespectful to women and his elders. I will admit, he is selfish. He also has bad habits- such as smoking, both cigarettes and pot. I did, however, marry him knowing he was a smoker and somewhat selfish. When she told me he was emotionally abusive towards me I didn't believe her. He has mood swings and I sometimes feel like I have to "walk on eggshells" around him, but it didn't occur to me that could be abuse. Then I started looking things up online, and his behavior can be classified as such.
A few weeks ago, he broke my parents' house rules and was caught smoking weed in the upstairs bathroom. He had been warned by me long before we ever moved in that he wasn't allowed to have it in their house. He was asked to leave, and ultimately moved in with his sister. She lives in a small 2-bedroom apartment and shares custody of her two kids, so there isn't a lot of room over there. I have stayed with my parents. It's better for me and my daughter to be here.
I still love my husband. I've gone through many phases of anger, disappointment, and regret with him. I worry about his substance abuse, especially with our daughter around. I have told him I cannot move into an apartment with him as long as he continues smoking weed. I could not bear it if something bad were to happen, and our daughter was taken away from us. I just worry that I may be making too much out of the situation. Maybe my mother's opinions are having too much influence on me.
My parents are not the easiest people to live with. They are a bit conservative, while my husband is the opposite. I've always just gotten along with both, as I am somewhat easy-going. After we moved in, my husband's behavior became intolerable- especially for my mother.
Mother claims that DH is emotionally abusive to me, and disrespectful to women and his elders. I will admit, he is selfish. He also has bad habits- such as smoking, both cigarettes and pot. I did, however, marry him knowing he was a smoker and somewhat selfish. When she told me he was emotionally abusive towards me I didn't believe her. He has mood swings and I sometimes feel like I have to "walk on eggshells" around him, but it didn't occur to me that could be abuse. Then I started looking things up online, and his behavior can be classified as such.
A few weeks ago, he broke my parents' house rules and was caught smoking weed in the upstairs bathroom. He had been warned by me long before we ever moved in that he wasn't allowed to have it in their house. He was asked to leave, and ultimately moved in with his sister. She lives in a small 2-bedroom apartment and shares custody of her two kids, so there isn't a lot of room over there. I have stayed with my parents. It's better for me and my daughter to be here.
I still love my husband. I've gone through many phases of anger, disappointment, and regret with him. I worry about his substance abuse, especially with our daughter around. I have told him I cannot move into an apartment with him as long as he continues smoking weed. I could not bear it if something bad were to happen, and our daughter was taken away from us. I just worry that I may be making too much out of the situation. Maybe my mother's opinions are having too much influence on me.
Re: wondering if things are really as bad...
You did a very smart move with having him leave your parents home. He broke the one rule that you had in place. Good job to you.
You need counseling, he needs it, and you need to go together.
Are either of you working? Why are you married with a young child and having to live with people for free? Why are you bouncing around living with people for free? If he had any respect for your parents he would have gone for a damn walk to smoke weed, not do it in their bathroom.
If you cannot afford to LIVE, how can you afford recreational drugs?
What exactly are your husband's redeeming qualities? He does drugs, either doesn't work or won't work or does work but doesn't earn enough to even support himself let alone his wife and child. Your parents hate him and have kicked him out of their house. Like a teenager. He has a poor temper and you feel as though he is abusive. He is living apart from his wife and child - and imposing upon his sister. Awesome guy.
Sounds like a marriage worth saving.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Why was he fired and denied unemployment ?
Look, it sounds like your mom is right.
I have goals which will get at least me and my daughter out of our poor financial situation. I have always worked and been the responsible one. I don't do drugs, and never have. When I got together with him I was going through a rebellious stage. I don't want my life to be this hard, this complicated.
I appreciate all of the feedback and will take your comments into consideration. Thanks everyone!
We've actually been married for two years. We've been together for five. When we were first together, he seemed like a hard-working, responsible guy. He and I are both artistic, creative types and had a lot in common. Until Thanksgiving 2011, when he lost his job, we were fine. It all went downhill from there. Everything happened after we were already married.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that yeah, your mom is probably right - he's probably abusive. There's no way anyone would still be with this guy without a fair amount of being torn down and gaslit.
I guess it's just hard to think about actually breaking up since I've never dumped someone. I think about going to counseling, but I doubt it would work for us. This all just makes me sad.
Regardless what you choose to do remember that your daughter is watching you two. She will watch how he treats you and thats how she'll let boys treat her one day. Your teaching her what to expect and what to accept in a relationship. If you want better for your daughter then you need to demand better for yourself. Whether thats with him or without him.