Help

Starfish51886

New here. I'm having a problem right now with my husband. He was diagnosed a few years ago as having parasomnia, often getting up in the middle of the night and doing unusual things (turning on the TV or a faucet) and having zero recollection of it. We only went to see a specialist about it after he started becoming aggressive with me. It wasn't unheard of for him to wake up in the morning and have no idea why I had a black eye or a split lip. I know he'd never lay a hand on me consciously. It's just this stupid sleep disorder. The doctor put him on some different medications until we found a combination that seemed to keep the incidents to a minimum. It still happened from time to time, but it was a HUGE improvement.

(Warning: Somewhat graphic) Two nights ago, I woke up to my husband ripping my panties off. He used his arm to keep my legs pushed apart (I have bruises on my thighs), and since my husband is literally twice my size and I was caught completely off guard, I was pinned and couldn't get away right away. He used his hands on my genitals in a way that was very painful, and he fondled my breasts hard enough for them to still be sore and slightly bruised two days later.

I was able to wiggle away, run into the bathroom, and lock the door. He didn't knock or try to come after me. He apparently just went back to bed. Still, since our walk-in closet is off or bathroom rather than our bedroom, I just pulled some blankets down and spent the rest of the night there with the door locked. The next morning, he knocked on the door, puzzled as to why I was locked away and sleeping on the floor. He remembered nothing, but when I explained, he felt absolutely terrible. He spent the whole day trying to make me feel special, took me to my favorite restaurant that night, etc. It's so hard to accept that this happened to me, but I realize that consciously, it wasn't the man I love who hurt me and made me feel so terrified and violated.

Fast forward to tonight. I was cooking dinner and he jokingly came up behind me and put his hands on my breasts. I said something along the lines of, "Hey, watch it!" and he said, "What? I'm being gentle." He didn't grasp the concept that it wasn't the bruising that bothered me. It was that I didn't want to be touched in any sexual way AT ALL.

Now we're in a fight and he's not speaking to me. He thinks after our "nice day" I should be "over it." I'm ok but SO not even close to being ready for ANYTHING sexual. I just can't. He has an appointment with a specialist on the 31st. What do I do til then?

It's not the incident itself that's coming between us. It's his thinking I should be over it, and me still not feeling ok. Not yet. Now he's not even speaking to me. HELP!

doeydo

I am sorry about all of this.  I think you need to go to counselling for yourself, because you were sexually assaulted, though he was not fully conscious, he was forcing himself on you.  
Also, I do not think it is safe for you to be sleeping in the same room, maybe even the same house right now.  He could strike you again (I assume that was what caused your black eye and split lip?) or sexually assault you again.  

magsugar13

Why are you still sleeping in the same room? He is dangerous, 

How many black eyes, split lips and bruises is it going to take?

Leftie22

It's still a sexual assault, even though he doesn't remember. It sounds like he thinks it doesn't count if he's not aware of it, but that would be like using drunkenness as an excuse. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You need to do something to ensure your safety, and he needs counselling to understand the consequences of what he does in his sleep. No one should have to experience what you've gone through. I hope you and he can get help. It's totally unfair and unloving for him to be mad at you.

Starfish51886

We're not sleeping in the same room right now, or until further notice. He's in one room and I'm locked in another. It just sucks. Aside from this, we were in a great place in our marriage. We were happy and stable. We've been together since 2009, but friends since 2005, so this all feels so out of the blue to me.

I'm ok if he wants to hug me or give me a kiss (a peck, not like, a full on makeout sesh). But I get very anxious at random, seemingly unprovoked moments throughout the day, and the idea of him touching me anywhere I was touched that night makes me feel so panicked.

I know we're getting help from that specialist (I hate that she couldn't fit him in until NYE!), and I know it's only been two days, so it's still very raw for me. I know my marriage won't feel like this forever. I'm just scared if I'M ever going to be totally the same. Does that make sense?

cloudymeatballs

Dang, I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine having to deal with something like this. You are kind of in a pickle. That is good you are not sleeping in the same room for now, just to be safe that is awesome. Hopefully with the help he will be able to over come this. You see this as him not as himself and I think if this passes you two will be fine. Just try to be careful and maybe you could put a tape recorder in the room, since yo are not in there to see what he does and how he does it. Dang thought, I would be a little freaked out and that sucks to feel that way with your H. I really hope he is able to over come this problem of his and yo two are able to get back to normal As of now, I would say keep sleeping in another room until this is resolved and he needs to understand that even though he doesn't remember this, it still has a HUGE impact on how you are and react to things. xoxo We are here for you Starfish!n

cloudymeatballs

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magsugar13

Aside from this, we were in a great place in our marriage. We were happy and stable. 

you obviously need a lot of counseling yourself. this statement is so wrong in so many ways,

MariaBend25

I think if you sit down and discuss things (ie your feelings) with your husband it can help him understand. Remember, he can't recall his actions and doesn't know how scary the situation was for you. Explain to him that you love him, and are sticking with him as he figures out how to address his sleep disorder, but that the traumatic experience of the other night has scared you and possibly even caused acute ptsd. Tell him you will need time to get over the shock and fear to express or respond to any sexual desire, but that you do not hold his actions against him.

I think it is wise for you to sleep apart for your own safety, who knows if his next episode is wringing your neck. I hope the specialist can help his situation, but I would recommend you both seek counseling. Maybe his sleep disorder has spiked to dangerous levels because of other stressors in his life. And you could use the help overcoming the fear you still have from the previous night, as well as addressing your husband in a way to help him understand without alienating him.

During the day, continue to do fun things together so your relationship can stay strong. Spending time together and building that trust again might help you too.

magsugar13

During the day, continue to do fun things together so your relationship can stay strong. Spending time together and building that trust again might help you too.

I have a really hard time with this. If someone beats the shit out of me, even if they are doing it in their sleep, i cant get on board with making believe all is well. Trust isnt going to come from going to the movies and dinner, since this isnt where the problem lies.

hersheykiss21

You're very strong!  You have every right to feel and respond the exact way that you are doing things.  Posting on here and talking about it is really healthy.  Reaching out to a specialist is important for your DH, but you also absolutely need to seek help.  Physical abuse, no matter the situation, requires attention. You need to heal and take care of yourself.  Call your doctor and get a recommendation for a counselor.

On a random note to other posters, if someone is in a situation of abuse you should never start a conversation with the words 'I'm sorry.' It puts the person who has been wronged in a spot where there auto response will be 'It's ok' and it's simply not.  

Starfish51886

magsugar13 said:

Aside from this, we were in a great place in our marriage. We were happy and stable. 

you obviously need a lot of counseling yourself. this statement is so wrong in so many ways,

Care to elaborate on this?

TarponMonoxide

You cannot sleep in the same room with him. And if you're in somehting like a townhouse or a house with 2 floors, sleep in a bedroom downstairs; he sleeps in one upstairs. Sleeping as far away from him in another bedroom is a must.  And get a lock installed on YOUR door.

I don't know if it is advisable to make sure his bedroom door stays locked; I don't know how much of a dangerous situation he can get himself into while he's in that state.

Has he seen a good sleep clinic/health care professional? He needs some kind of medication; it would be appropriate and necessary.

A sex therapist would help; are the 2 of you seeing a marriage counselor also?

I also suggest a full medical checkup and an appointment with a neurologist. I am wondering if there may be an organic basis to his behavior and not just a sleep disorder.