Separation? (long)

MissQ10

I feel at such a loss with what to do with my life. 

I've been married for 4 years, together for 9. My husband is my best friend, biggest supporter, and most fun companion. We don't argue much, we love spending time together, he is responsible, respectful, loving, and fulfills 95% of what every woman would say they would want in a husband. However, I have an un-ignorable, overwhelming feeling that I'm not married to the right person, and it's frightening. I'm trying to identify the reasons I feel this way, and I can come up with a few, but none of them seem like legitimate reasons to explain the way I feel or the magnitude to which I feel it. These are feelings I've had fleetingly, to a much more mild degree, throughout much of our relationship, but for the past 4 months or so it has confronted me like never before. 

Firstly, we've been together since I was 19. This alone, of course, is not a reason, and many people stay with their first love. However, I have often thought that I've missed out on dating, finding out what I do and don't want in a partner, growing my own independence, etc. I feel like I am a completely different person now than I was when I met him (obviously). For the most part, it seems that we have mostly grown similarly, and we still enjoy each other, but in talking to a friend recently, I told her that if I met him now, I would have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. I feel like the type of man that I would involve myself with now, at 28, is vastly different than the man I chose at 19. Again, he is a man of character, and I don't think 19-year-old me made a "mistake", but I regret not exploring more to find out what else in a relationship is important to me.

For example, I feel that we have very little chemistry, and really never have. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, I think he's handsome, etc. However, I have always felt lacking in the chemistry department. I grew up in a very affectionate family; he did not. I want a man that WANTS to hold my hand, and kiss me, and spontaneously have sex in the afternoon, just because he thinks I look hot. He is a shy in public, has to be reminded for affection, "we'll have sex at bedtime" type of guy. I'd love to have sex 3-4 times a week; usually we settle for once a week because his drive is much lower. He often behaves like a friend, joking around and being silly more than attempting any sort of romantic connection. None of these things about him are wrong, but again, I keep feeling that if I had dated around more, I would have learned that I need a more affectionate partner. For his part, he always tries to compromise and give me what I need, but it is an ongoing battle because it is simply not his personality. In the past, this has usually just left me occasionally frustrated, but recently, my feelings toward him have shifted to where I don't particularly desire these things from him. I feel very platonic toward him, and I don't know why. 

Another thing weighing on me recently is his past struggles with mental health, and I don't quite understand why I am feeling that I can't do this anymore, even though he has been healthier in this past year than he has in ages. I believe he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. We have gone through ups and downs throughout our relationship more times than I can recall. He has never been abusive toward me, but dealing with his frequent mild depression and negativity, along with bouts of "mild mania" (hysterical crying, anger, irrational thinking about quitting his job, etc.) has been exhausting. I've told him I can't survive another go-round, and I would hate to bring children into a situation where they would see him behave in ways he has in the past. I don't feel like this is truly a deal-breaker; I knew what I was getting into, he tries his best to keep himself in check and has supported me through rough times in my life as well. I'm just confused as to why I all of the sudden feel that I could (and should) have a life where I wouldn't have to deal with that type of burden, even though I was fully prepared to accept that portion of his baggage when I married him. 

I entered into my marriage fully expecting to stay together, work through every issue, go to counseling if needed, and thought we would only separate/divorce after months/years of fighting with all we've got. However, here I am, with no problem directly facing me, and I just feel we've grown apart and that I have changed. I for some reason feel like I don't WANT to work on it. Partly because I feel there isn't anything "wrong", we just aren't right. I know a lot of you ladies may identify the mental health issues as a red-flag, but again, I can't understand why, when we have been in the midst of trying times, we fought with all we had for his health and our relationship, went to counseling for him, etc, and now that my marriage is potentially crumbling, I don't want to lift a finger.

At the same time, after all this is said, I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine not having him in my life, because he is my greatest friend, but I don't want to live in an unfulfilling marriage in order to keep a friend. I can't imagine putting him through the heartbreak of a divorce, especially with no concrete reasonings why. I feel that I am checked out and I want a separation, but I am also not so naive to think that it won't be hard for me as well. Why, with all these reasons and commitments and promises to stay, and try, and fight, do I feel that I'm just done?

I, perhaps stupidly, feel that a separation might be the only chance to explore my desires and thoughts for my future without having his feelings take the forefront, but I am also aware that if I do decide I was wrong and want to stay with him, I may lose that chance. I feel that I am taking a risk either way. I'm afraid to fight this out, wait for these feelings to pass, and stay together, only to realize 10 years and 2 kids later that I want something different for my life. I am also afraid that I am potentially giving up the most important person in my life because I expect everything from a man, and maybe that only exists in the movies. I may find a man with whom I share great chemistry, but perhaps he will be unfaithful, or more selfish, or less patient, or a mutlitude of flaws other women complain about in their men while I have one that doesn't lack in those areas.

I suppose there is nothing much strangers can offer, but perhaps someone has been in a similar situation and can offer some guidance, or tell me if I'm just crazy and non-committal. I just don't know anymore.

hersheykiss21

Sorry you're going through a rough patch.  Have you made any serious attempts to be spontaneous with him?  Have you actually communicated this to him at all?  

Here's a totally random idea.  Ask him if January can be the month of the jar.  Every Monday he has to pull a slip of paper out of the jar and do the activity you have put in it during the week.  Make out in public, have him plan a special date night, sex during the day, etc.  Write down activities that you think would make you feel more fulfilled.  It might improve the quality of your life together and lead to better habits. He can always have his own jar which you have to pick from...

If nothing else, take the time to communicate and go to therapy.  

smbenevides1989

Maybe you are just stuck to the same routine that life has become a blur. Have you talked to your H about how you are feeling or how you wish there was something more? Ask him to try something new. Maybe, secretly, he wants something new but is too shy to do so. I feel you need some therapy for yourself to sort out your feelings. Ask him to do the same. Have him evaluated for his mental health. The better you can make yourselves better, the better your relationship can be. Discuss with him the idea of a new year, new us. I like what the pp had mentioned. Start a fun jar for the two of you to do together. Maybe you just need some spice. GL

cloudymeatballs

I like what the PPs have said. You could just be stuck in a rut. Lots of people wish their husbands would do everything. Hold our hands without asking, make us laugh, be our best friend, do it all. He seems like a pretty great guy who does love you. As the sex and spontaneous I would say try something yourself. I love that jar idea. We do get stuck in a rut sometimes and after however many years, it is bound to happen. Guys stop being romantic and sometimes need to be told what we want. They sometimes may think we are cool with things yet we want more. And people are bound to change, even from their 30s to their 40s. We are always changing somewhat and just find a way to change together. Have you sat down and talked with him about how you feel?? I have never gone, but perhaps therapy? You could get an outside perspective to why you may be feeling this way? It could simply be that you are a little bored, which can be totally normal.. After 9 years you may need a little spunk. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes!!!!

cloudymeatballs

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stigmes23

I can identify with what you are going through, and we've been married for a few months now.

I might not be qualified to give advice, but think about his reaction to any of the options you've thought of to make things work.

He might not like the idea of a separation- even though you desperately need it. Do you have girl friends you can talk with? That helps a little and sometimes a lot- a psychologist/counselor might help you see your difficult situation differently.

It's a good sign that you can't see yourself without him. That means there's still hope.

As we don't know your husband as well as you do- if you know a separation or a few days a week away from each other is plausible and beneficial- go for it. 

I wish you the best. You are a strong woman. I am sure he appreciates you more than you know. The years and your efforts have worn you out.

All the best.

asoiafguy

First, very few men (and similarly, very few women) would be OK with their partner taking a break from their relationship to "sow/sew your oats." You should probably start thinking about how if you decide to separate so you can have sex with other people that your relationship with your husband will be absolutely destroyed.

Second, wow - this is the beginning of what is probably a long line of bad decisions to come. You're going to abandon a relatively healthy relationship to try new things with other people? Can you imagine your husband leaving you for a period because he wants to bang other women? Assuming you leave and your relationship is GONE, are you excited to jump into the casual sex market at 28? Where do you think the stable, happy, sexually exciting men are at age 28? Do you actually think you're going to find someone who will want to be with a woman who left her last husband because he wasn't rocking your world?

You can either fix your relationship or pick what traits in a man you can do do without. You can find someone sexually interesting, but don't expect stability or even respect. You can find a respectful and stable man, but he'd have to be neutered to be OK with your actions. Where did all the whole men go? They're married to women (or men) who hopefully don't want to skip out on their relationship so they can try new things. Maybe I'm wrong and this is socially acceptable behavior in some places, I wish you the best and hope you enjoy those locations

edit: oh, and I saw your last post about wanting your husband to keep his job that he hates even after a therapist said it would be OK. It's pretty obvious then that you could care less about whether he's happy. Marriages require emotional reciprocation.

R.Wilsonny

^^^ I can see what you are saying about leaving a stable relationship to 'see what's out there' but you are wrong that all men at 28 will be married because that simply isn't true. My H was 26 when I met him, and he was 34 when we finally got married.

I can respect OP for at least admitting that something is wrong in the marriage - at least on her end. It would not really be fair to her to stay in a marriage that she is not happy in with someone that she isn't in love with. It's not fair to her, but also not fair to her H to remain married to someone who isn't in love with him. It seems like she's tried, but her H isn't giving her what she needs.

If she feels that this is something worth saving and worth fighting for though, then definitely counseling is needed. Yes, I do believe in for better or worse, but I'm also a realist and wouldn't expect someone to stay in a marriage if they were miserable. I know a few people who've done this and believe me, it's sad to watch how unhappy they are 30+ years later.

asoiafguy

Of course. My point was mainly that things like this will take time and the available pool of "good guys" will dry up over time. Assume it takes a year to divorce, a year of constant banging randoms, and the next possible relationship can start around age 30. It took me 3 yrs to marry, and @R.Wilsonny took 8 - and that's assuming that 2 yrs post Divorce is a slam dunk - which is a decreasing possibility over time. 

I'm sure there are lots of fun available 30+ yr old plus men for OP to "explore" with but whether they would be a viable partner in the long run is another story. For now, there are lots of casinos, clubs, bars, and alleys which would offer a variety of interesting to fun experiences.

MissQ10

asoiafguy said:

First, very few men (and similarly, very few women) would be OK with their partner taking a break from their relationship to "sow/sew your oats." You should probably start thinking about how if you decide to separate so you can have sex with other people that your relationship with your husband will be absolutely destroyed.

Second, wow - this is the beginning of what is probably a long line of bad decisions to come. You're going to abandon a relatively healthy relationship to try new things with other people? Can you imagine your husband leaving you for a period because he wants to bang other women? Assuming you leave and your relationship is GONE, are you excited to jump into the casual sex market at 28? Where do you think the stable, happy, sexually exciting men are at age 28? Do you actually think you're going to find someone who will want to be with a woman who left her last husband because he wasn't rocking your world?

You can either fix your relationship or pick what traits in a man you can do do without. You can find someone sexually interesting, but don't expect stability or even respect. You can find a respectful and stable man, but he'd have to be neutered to be OK with your actions. Where did all the whole men go? They're married to women (or men) who hopefully don't want to skip out on their relationship so they can try new things. Maybe I'm wrong and this is socially acceptable behavior in some places, I wish you the best and hope you enjoy those locations

edit: oh, and I saw your last post about wanting your husband to keep his job that he hates even after a therapist said it would be OK. It's pretty obvious then that you could care less about whether he's happy. Marriages require emotional reciprocation

I'm sorry if I was unclear in my post, but my intent for separation is not to "sow my oats" or to look for another man. I am considering a separation so that with space, along with individual counseling, I can figure out what it is that I want in my life. If we did split up, I would not intend to involve myself with anyone else for a long while, until I have myself figured out and know what it is that I would be looking for in a relationship.

As for his job situation last year, all I can say is that if sitting up with a screaming/sobbing/hysterical/manic bipolar spouse until 5am every day for months and being suspicious of a therapists advice after one session after watching him jump from therapist to therapist throughout the years, only to leave when they say something he doesn't like makes me not care about his emotions, then I suppose I am a crappy wife. I personally would argue that I have been for my husband and supported him emotionally in ways that no one I know of has had to go through in their relationships. 

I'm not looking for a man to suit EVERY one of my needs; I am wondering if I am still in love with my husband and if I am fulfilled in my life. 

MissQ10

To the other posters, I do appreciate your advice. I've talked with him quite a bit about how I'm feeling, and of course they have been difficult conversations. He doesn't know what to do, and honestly, I don't know what to ask of from him. I do like the jar idea, and perhaps we'll give it a try.

I wax and wane between feeling like there's hope because I still want him in my life, and then I have thoughts like R.Wilsonny pointed out that it's not fair to either of us to stay together if I'm not in love with him, just because we still like each other.

Thanks so much. I'll try to keep you guys updated.

TattieSoup

I hear you saying that this is not about finding other people but about having some time on your own to explore your interests and yourself as a person. I also read your other thread about your husband being unhappy in his job and wanting to try something else which would probably involve a move to another state.

Wouldn't it be an option for you to encourage your husband to explore his career options and move if he has to. You talk in the other thread about a long distance relationship as if it's a bad thing but isn't it kind of what you want? You could live your own life for a little while and see how you feel about things, without throwing away your relationship with your husband. It also seems to be what your husband wants right now so you could both benefit and you wouldn't have to feel guilty.

R.Wilsonny

For the record, I met my H when I was 28, so no, the pool of available men doesn't 'dry' up at this age. Maybe wherever this guy who posted here is located it does, but where I live it doesn't and in fact, most people I know wait until later to get married. Just sayin'.

Anyway, OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but I would really think long and hard about it and highly recommend counseling before making any rash decisions.

Leftie22

OP, you say in your first post that your DH has "mild" depression and mania, but then say that you're up with a "screaming/sobbing/hysterical" spouse until 5am for months?? Something is not adding up here. I certainly wouldn't call months of that behavior "mild". If that's truly what's going on, it would be a strain on anyone marriage and emotional reserves. To me, it sounds like you're just burned out and want someone to take care of you, for a while. I think your DH needs serious help if he's acting the way you described. And definitely don't have kids until you figure this out. Good luck.

Sillygirl45

R.Wilsonny said:

For the record, I met my H when I was 28, so no, the pool of available men doesn't 'dry' up at this age. Maybe wherever this guy who posted here is located it does, but where I live it doesn't and in fact, most people I know wait until later to get married. Just sayin'. Anyway, OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but I would really think long and hard about it and highly recommend counseling before making any rash decisions.

I married one week before my 35th birthday. I must be even more of an old hag than I thought! Guess I was lucky. I mean really...who would marry my old ass?! @asoiafguy?

GilliC

asoiafguy said:

Of course. My point was mainly that things like this will take time and the available pool of "good guys" will dry up over time. Assume it takes a year to divorce, a year of constant banging randoms, and the next possible relationship can start around age 30. It took me 3 yrs to marry, and @R.Wilsonny took 8 - and that's assuming that 2 yrs post Divorce is a slam dunk - which is a decreasing possibility over time. 

I'm sure there are lots of fun available 30+ yr old plus men for OP to "explore" with but whether they would be a viable partner in the long run is another story. For now, there are lots of casinos, clubs, bars, and alleys which would offer a variety of interesting to fun experiences.

You do realize that for every woman who gets divorced and becomes single, it (usually) leaves a man unmarried, right? There are plenty of people who married the wrong person, and plenty of divorcés are "viable partners in the long run." Implying that divorce is a bad idea simply because there will be fewer people to date afterwards is silly.

lisa2008boo

I don't think a separation is the right answer here. In fact I feel like it could make things worse not better. You need to communicate all of this too him maybe even just literally read this post to him word for word. As well as seek professional therapy to get through this and figure out how to work on some of these issues. You say you don't want to work on it but how do you know until you try?You really need to tackle this head on separating is just running from it and that isn't going to help anyone. 

R.Wilsonny

Sillygirl45 said:

R.Wilsonny said:

For the record, I met my H when I was 28, so no, the pool of available men doesn't 'dry' up at this age. Maybe wherever this guy who posted here is located it does, but where I live it doesn't and in fact, most people I know wait until later to get married. Just sayin'.

Anyway, OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but I would really think long and hard about it and highly recommend counseling before making any rash decisions.

I married one week before my 35th birthday. I must be even more of an old hag than I thought! Guess I was lucky. I mean really...who would marry my old ass?! @asoiafguy?

I personally think it's smart to wait. I was 37 when I finally married and for me, I was happy I waited. Everyone is different but the pool of available people doesn't magically dry up by a certain age....that's just crazy talk.

Janimal

It seems to me, from your post, that you have already made your decision.

What isn't said much on these board, is that the thing is, marriage is, for most couples, a bad idea.  Half of marriages end.  And then there are a whole bunch that stay together and are just miserable.  So the odds are against us all.  That said, for the lucky (and luck is a big part of it) couples who escape the odds, a happy marriage can be incredibly satisfying and rewarding.

You love him, right?  But it sounds like as a friend - not a wife.  And if he's so great, he deserves a wife who wants him like a wife should want a husband.  And you deserve to be in a marriage that works for you too.  If/when you find another dude, obviously you will have some less than perfect issues with him too.  The trick is to find a relationship where the issues you have aren't dealbreakers. 

Playing a game with a jar isn't going to fix your marriage.  Therapy *might* help, but you aren't going to fundamentally change each of your personalities - so if that's the crux issues for you (it sounds like it is), then therapy is a long shot also.  Sorry, but I think the ladies who posted mean well because the right answer for most people experiencing issues is to stick it out and work on it.  But you know what, working on the wrong relationship is, IMO, a draining waste of time.  Life is short. 

Divorce sucks.  It's expensive and painful.  But a chance at a happy life is priceless.  And if you want kids, for feck's sake you don't want them in an ambivilent relationship.

You might have a hard time finding the right guy.  You might find him next week.  You may never.  It's an unknown.  But far better to be alone than to waste your life and his in a doomed relationship.

As for sowing oats - do what your heart and conscience allow.  But know if you want the door open to return to your DH, even just a little bit, any oats you sow could slam that shut irrevocably.

For the record, my mother was married 5 times.  My sis was divorced 3 times.  I had planned on never marrying but met the guy for me and we are married 8 years with 2 kids.  I am not a marriage expert, but I have too much experience seeing bad marriages wreak havoc, and also know how wonderful a a great marriage can be.  If you try it again -- when you know what you REALLY want -- those few dealbreakers you know for sure that you need in your mate --don't compromise.