Trouble in Paradise
MissQ10
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Separation? (also on ML)
I feel at such a loss with what to do with my life.
I've been married for 4 years, together for 9. My husband is my best friend, biggest supporter, and most fun companion. We don't argue much, we love spending time together, he is responsible, respectful, loving, and fulfills 95% of what every woman would say they would want in a husband. However, I have an un-ignorable, overwhelming feeling that I'm not married to the right person, and it's frightening. I'm trying to identify the reasons I feel this way, and I can come up with a few, but none of them seem like legitimate reasons to explain the way I feel or the magnitude to which I feel it. These are feelings I've had fleetingly, to a much more mild degree, throughout much of our relationship, but for the past 4 months or so it has confronted me like never before.
Firstly, we've been together since I was 19. This alone, of course, is not a reason, and many people stay with their first love. However, I have often thought that I've missed out on dating, finding out what I do and don't want in a partner, growing my own independence, etc. I feel like I am a completely different person now than I was when I met him (obviously). For the most part, it seems that we have mostly grown similarly, and we still enjoy each other, but in talking to a friend recently, I told her that if I met him now, I would have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. I feel like the type of man that I would involve myself with now, at 28, is vastly different than the man I chose at 19. Again, he is a man of character, and I don't think 19-year-old me made a "mistake", but I regret not exploring more to find out what else in a relationship is important to me.
For example, I feel that we have very little chemistry, and really never have. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, I think he's handsome, etc. However, I have always felt lacking in the chemistry department. I grew up in a very affectionate family; he did not. I want a man that WANTS to hold my hand, and kiss me, and spontaneously have sex in the afternoon, just because he thinks I look hot. He is a shy in public, has to be reminded for affection, "we'll have sex at bedtime" type of guy. I'd love to have sex 3-4 times a week; usually we settle for once a week because his drive is much lower. He often behaves like a friend, joking around and being silly more than attempting any sort of romantic connection. None of these things about him are wrong, but again, I keep feeling that if I had dated around more, I would have learned that I need a more affectionate partner. For his part, he always tries to compromise and give me what I need, but it is an ongoing battle because it is simply not his personality. In the past, this has usually just left me occasionally frustrated, but recently, my feelings toward him have shifted to where I don't particularly desire these things from him. I feel very platonic toward him, and I don't know why.
Another thing weighing on me recently is his past struggles with mental health, and I don't quite understand why I am feeling that I can't do this anymore, even though he has been healthier in this past year than he has in ages. I believe he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. We have gone through ups and downs throughout our relationship more times than I can recall. He has never been abusive toward me, but dealing with his frequent mild depression and negativity, along with bouts of "mild mania" (hysterical crying, anger, irrational thinking about quitting his job, etc.) has been exhausting. I've told him I can't survive another go-round, and I would hate to bring children into a situation where they would see him behave in ways he has in the past. I don't feel like this is truly a deal-breaker; I knew what I was getting into, he tries his best to keep himself in check and has supported me through rough times in my life as well. I'm just confused as to why I all of the sudden feel that I could (and should) have a life where I wouldn't have to deal with that type of burden, even though I was fully prepared to accept that portion of his baggage when I married him.
I entered into my marriage fully expecting to stay together, work through every issue, go to counseling if needed, and thought we would only separate/divorce after months/years of fighting with all we've got. However, here I am, with no problem directly facing me, and I just feel we've grown apart and that I have changed. I for some reason feel like I don't WANT to work on it. Partly because I feel there isn't anything "wrong", we just aren't right. I know a lot of you ladies may identify the mental health issues as a red-flag, but again, I can't understand why, when we have been in the midst of trying times, we fought with all we had for his health and our relationship, went to counseling for him, etc, and now that my marriage is potentially crumbling, I don't want to lift a finger.
At the same time, after all this is said, I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine not having him in my life, because he is my greatest friend, but I don't want to live in an unfulfilling marriage in order to keep a friend. I can't imagine putting him through the heartbreak of a divorce, especially with no concrete reasonings why. I feel that I am checked out and I want a separation, but I am also not so naive to think that it won't be hard for me as well. Why, with all these reasons and commitments and promises to stay, and try, and fight, do I feel that I'm just done?
I, perhaps stupidly, feel that a separation might be the only chance to explore my desires and thoughts for my future without having his feelings take the forefront, but I am also aware that if I do decide I was wrong and want to stay with him, I may lose that chance. I feel that I am taking a risk either way. I'm afraid to fight this out, wait for these feelings to pass, and stay together, only to realize 10 years and 2 kids later that I want something different for my life. I am also afraid that I am potentially giving up the most important person in my life because I expect everything from a man, and maybe that only exists in the movies. I may find a man with whom I share great chemistry, but perhaps he will be unfaithful, or more selfish, or less patient, or a mutlitude of flaws other women complain about in their men while I have one that doesn't lack in those areas.
I suppose there is nothing much strangers can offer, but perhaps someone has been in a similar situation and can offer some guidance, or tell me if I'm just crazy and non-committal. I just don't know anymore.
Re: Separation? (also on ML)
I think you are able to discuss this well, and should try to talk to your husband about it. Like you said you made a promise "for better or worse" but for some reason you don't feel motivated to keep it. I noticed you look a lot at your husband, his mental issues, his looks, his romance ect...but what is going on in your life? Do you have a hobby or friends that give you a life outside of your marriage? Is your job recently stressing you out? Ect. If you look at yourself and determine maybe some factor in your life is making you feel this way you can address it and maybe your feelings will return for your husband. But if you don't see anything affecting you, perhaps you can go to counseling with your husband and confront the issues (like sex and romance) together.
I also married my first love (actually my first boyfriend), and we were 19 when we met. Four years later we are happily married, but sometimes I do wonder what if I didn't stick with him through our tough times? I dismiss those thoughts knowing that I found one heck of a great man who is more than anything I could have asked for. I, like you, love him with all my heart and can't see my life without him; but I can understand your thoughts wondering what else is out there. You have no reason to pursue this train of thought, talk them through, get counseling, see if anything in your life needs to be addressed, and forget the thoughts. Your husband does need to contain his mental health, see a doctor, and get the help he needs so it doesn't destroy your future together. In the meantime, make a list of all you love about your husband, all he does for you, and how he makes your life better. Perhaps that will help you see how lucky you are, just remember the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side. Good luck!
I'm actually impressed with how well you laid this out. I get what you're saying very much. I'm imagining myself married to the guy who heavily pursued me before I got back together with my future husband. He was kind, loving, thoughtful and certainly generous. I know he would've given us a fabulous life for the outside world. Inside, though? Inside, I would've been miserable after some time. I feel like I would've only been able to sum it to him as "Just no. I don't want to do this anymore."
I think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to talk to someone. Lay it out there for someone objective to look over. A therapist can help you pinpoint what it is that's truly bothering you and ways to fix it. It's entirely possible that the way to fix it is separation or divorce and if that's true, then they can help you manage the conversations that need to be had.
Good luck to you.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's heart rending. I have a good friend who just broke up with her b/f of one year for the exact reasons you are talking about. He was a great and amazing guy, he treated her well, they had fun together...but there was just something missing. Not much chemistry (on her end) and she just wasn't in love with him. I know not a perfect comparison, much shorter relationship and not married, but unfortunately it happens.
The road not traveled...I did the opposite of you when I was younger. I met the "love of my life" right after high school (in fact, I was still 17). We dated for a couple years and talked about getting married and having children someday, but I had always told him that I wanted us to both date other people in our last two years of college because I didn't want either one of us to wonder "what if" 10 years down the road. Needless to say my attitude eventually broke us up completely, but I knew if I'd stayed "forever" the "what did I miss" would always be between us.
I've always wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn't caused our breakup...but more as a curiosity question than a regret. As it turned out, I had a lot of heartbreak in my next two relationships and it took me a very long time to find the TRUE love of my life.
I think your plan to get counseling is your best course of action. You want to be sure of your next course of action and, once you are, own it and know you made the right decision. However, I am also concerned your husband appears to have some mental issues that he has neither had diagnosed much less treated. He is not doing himself or you any favors by not exploring what might be wrong. Maybe the exhaustion/walking on eggshells because of his condition is part of the "get out" feelings you have.
Two books that have helped me immensely:
1) "I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You" by Andrew Marshall
2) "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (A few spots with Christian commentary, but it is sparse and can be overlooked if it's not for you.)
If you choose to read these, I hope they help you like they've helped me!