So, I have a crush...

konstantine04

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now. I spend anytime that I'm alone crying because I am completely torn. 

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2012, but have been together for 8 years. Our relationship is not always perfect, his parents and all but one sibling don't speak to me, (one didn't come to our wedding), but I thought it was working. That was until a few months ago; I started to develop a crush on another man. I have known this person for over a year now, we work in the same building. Nothing ever happened besides a quick "hey how's it going", when passing each other in the hallway, and a quick chat at the local walmart when we literally ran into each other. Other than that our contact was pretty limited, but both of us would blush whenever we saw one another. (He is shy, and I'm pale and blush at EVERYTHING). 
In October, things changed. We started to talk daily, mostly though text. But then I started to see him around more, so we would have a quick chat. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him, I can't stop smiling when I know I'm going to see him, I grin like a fool when I get a text from him. I feel like I am a teenager again. 

I've told a close friend about all of this, (she knows my husband) and her suggestion was to have him and my husband become friends, and then hopefully the infatuation would go away. So, I started inviting him over to watch hockey with my husband and I. Which he does on a pretty regular basis now. But his personality changes when he is around my husband, not enough for anyone to really pick up on it, but I notice. When we are alone, (which isn't often), there are little looks, comments and smiles that make me feel like I am actually worth something. I've sent the same friend some texts that we have sent back and forth, and she thinks that this guy is perfect for me - he honestly feels like he is. The last time we hung out he was sitting beside my husband, and I thought "what am I going to do?!" and he looked over and gave me one of *those* smiles, and I almost started to cry right there.
I just am so confused, I thought I was happy in my marriage, but I have been blindsided by this whole crush. I've tried not talking to him, and it makes me miserable. I get moody, and snappy with everyone around me, and the second I get a message from him, my mood flips and I can't stop smiling.

I love my husband, but, I also know that I have some serious feelings for this other guy. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my husband about how I'm not happy, I've even used the words "I'm miserable", and he just gave me a hug and went to play video games. 
I'm at a loss... </3

Sillygirl45

konstantine04 said:

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now. I spend anytime that I'm alone crying because I am completely torn. 

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2012, but have been together for 8 years. Our relationship is not always perfect, his parents and all but one sibling don't speak to me, (one didn't come to our wedding), but I thought it was working. That was until a few months ago; I started to develop a crush on another man. I have known this person for over a year now, we work in the same building. Nothing ever happened besides a quick "hey how's it going", when passing each other in the hallway, and a quick chat at the local walmart when we literally ran into each other. Other than that our contact was pretty limited, but both of us would blush whenever we saw one another. (He is shy, and I'm pale and blush at EVERYTHING). 
In October, things changed. We started to talk daily, mostly though text. But then I started to see him around more, so we would have a quick chat. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him, I can't stop smiling when I know I'm going to see him, I grin like a fool when I get a text from him. I feel like I am a teenager again. 

I've told a close friend about all of this, (she knows my husband) and her suggestion was to have him and my husband become friends, and then hopefully the infatuation would go away. So, I started inviting him over to watch hockey with my husband and I. Which he does on a pretty regular basis now. But his personality changes when he is around my husband, not enough for anyone to really pick up on it, but I notice. When we are alone, (which isn't often), there are little looks, comments and smiles that make me feel like I am actually worth something. I've sent the same friend some texts that we have sent back and forth, and she thinks that this guy is perfect for me - he honestly feels like he is. The last time we hung out he was sitting beside my husband, and I thought "what am I going to do?!" and he looked over and gave me one of *those* smiles, and I almost started to cry right there.
I just am so confused, I thought I was happy in my marriage, but I have been blindsided by this whole crush. I've tried not talking to him, and it makes me miserable. I get moody, and snappy with everyone around me, and the second I get a message from him, my mood flips and I can't stop smiling.

I love my husband, but, I also know that I have some serious feelings for this other guy. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my husband about how I'm not happy, I've even used the words "I'm miserable", and he just gave me a hug and went to play video games. 
I'm at a loss... </3

1. Stop all contact 

2. NEVER EVER listen to your idiot friend again.

What the hell did you think would happen when you invited him to your home? How would you feel if your H was pulling this shit? Pretty crappy...I hope.

Look, if you don't want to be married, deal with that issue separately. If you think you are going to run off into the sunset with this guy, you are sadly mistaken. According to your own admission you don't know him very well. You do know he's not above flirting with a mans wife in his own home. What a douche. 

Either you're both being jerks, or this guy has no idea what is going on...the looks are in your imagination...and he is a decent guy who would be appalled if you ever tried to act on your feelings. 

I feel for your husband. He deserves better than this.

Sillygirl45

AND...what are you? 12? You thought you were happy in your marriage until you became irrationally infatuated with some guy you barely know? Have you never had a crush? I just, I just can't...WTF?

TarponMonoxide

A genuine crush is one thing.

But that is not what this thing is.

Stop al contact with him, yes -- and end this friendship. What this is is not a friendship; it is progressing into inappropriate behavior.

MommyLiberty5013

It sounds like your husband does not pay you the attention you desire and quite possibly deserve. If this is the case, you and he need to work this out together alone and/or in counseling. What you are doing now is thinking that the "grass will be greener" with another man. It most likely will not.

What is this exactly? You call this a "crush." A crush is a feeling that IS NOT ACTED UPON. But, then you state, "I know I have some serious feelings for this guy." I wonder what those feelings could be? How do you develop feelings for someone in the hall at work and the sofa over hockey (next to your husband)? You don't have serious feelings for him. I assure you of this. You have what's called a longing for attention and he is filling that need for you. Feelings and a longing or yearning are not the same.

You have an unmet need. Your first order of business is to get serious about this issue with your husband. Your husband and your marriage commitment are your top priorities. Face the issue lovingly with him, but face the issue.

 

Leftie22

I can't imagine my DH inviting some woman to hang out with us and then giving her the google-eyes while I'm in the same freaking room as them. I'm really hoping you're making this up. This isn't a crush, this is you preparing to cheat on your husband. Tell your husband more than just "I'm miserable" and at least give the marriage a chance to work. And stop texting, flirting and hanging out with the other man. It's completely unfair to your husband, and the fact that your "crush" is willing to participate tells me that he's not a very good person, either.

Kimbus22

I give a big WTF to your friend.  She's an idiot.  When you come to someone and tell them your concerned about your marriage because you're developing feelings for someone else, they should NOT tell you to invite the other person into your home to hang out.  Your friend is legitimately an idiot.  Or secretly hates/wants your H and is trying to sabotage you.  Either way, never ask for advice again and honestly, you should probably just not hang out with her anymore anyway.

The answer here is to cut off all contact and see what life is like with your H.  Go to counseling if needed.  See where your marriage stands.  IF you end your marriage THEN you can see how the other guy feels, not before.

SmrBrd2012

Agreed with all PPs. This hits close to home due to a family member pulling this same crap on their spouse. They're going through a rough divorce and it's really hard to maintain our relationship. You need to figure out why exactly you aren't happy in your marriage and if there were warning signs prior to this "crush". You owe it to your marriage and your husband to figure this out prior to taking any serious action. If you are not happy in your marriage, you should not be with ANYONE right now until you figure out what's going on with yourself.

R.Wilsonny

I also know someone who did this too and it was so sad for her H. Granted there were issues in the marriage but he didn't deserve to be cheated on.

OP, what you are doing is wrong. What your friend is telling you to do us wrong. What you have is an emotional affair, not an innocent crush and you need to cut that off now before it leads to something else. It's not fair to your H. If there is a problem, then you need to seek counseling to sort it out and if, then you are still feeling unhappy, then you have a big decision regarding your marriage.

GilliC

The ship has sailed on this problem. I agree with PPs that you need to cut contact, because this is beyond a crush.

Should you end up with a basic crush on someone else in the future, do not entertain any thoughts about being with the person. It will lead you down this road again and only create problems. When you find yourself thinking too much about someone else, focus back on your partner, and think about all the things that make you happy and all of the reasons you'd still be into him if you weren't already a couple. Over time we get accustomed to these things and take them for granted, so it's up to you to keep them fresh in your mind instead of getting distracted by something new and shiny.

Disneygeek77

I don't know what your husband did to you, but whatever it is, he didn't deserve to be betrayed like this. If I am going to be completely honest, you seem very self absorbed too.  It is as if you don't even see your poor husband as fully human with his own soul, emotions and feelings.  He is just a supporting character in your life.  

Cut off all contact with this man and for heaven's sake start acting like a decent human being.  

Sharpschruter22

Your vows were "forsaking all others"" Honor them.

lisa2008boo

Marriage vows are serious you should not have taken them if you were not going to fight for them. You need to stop all contact with this man and work on your marriage and falling in love with your husband again. Whatever you do... do not give into this temptation and have a full blown affair. What you are dealing with right now you can come back from. An affair all though not impossible is way way harder. You need to put yourself in you husbands shoes how would you feel if he was doing this to you? And you need to think back on why and how you fell in love with your husband in the first place there is a reason you married him remind yourself of those. Maybe even sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about needing to go away and spend some alone time together just the two of you to refresh and reconnect. Go stay at a quiet B&B or a cabin in the woods. 

Please fight for your marriage do not let some fantasy overtake you. The reality is these things never work out leaving your husband is not going to ensure you will end up with this guy or be happy. In fact you risk being even more unhappy than you are right now. 

GilliC

Sharpschruter22 said:

Your vows were "forsaking all others"" Honor them.

Not necessarily. Were you besties on The Nest? Otherwise, how do you know what her wedding vows were?

NovaMetzler

I feel very sad for your husband. Your "crush" is a total jerkwad for hitting on a married woman. If he does that with you, how do you know he's not doing it with someone else? Or if you do end up with this dork, he may find some other married woman to flirt with. My advice is like other people's, stop all contact with him, tell him you are married. You didn't marry your husband for nothing, try to work it out with him. If you do decide to get a divorce, let it be because of issues with your husband, not because you're in love with another man.

cclejeune

You're having an emotional affair, and you're quickly going down the road of a physical one. This is wrong.

Also, choose better friends- the one you mentioned is pretty crappy. What a terrible friend. 

dmndsr4eva

How old are you?  You sound immature and young.  Seriously this is very cliche.  Don't be a cliche.  Honor your commitment to your husband and leave this other guy alone.  The grass is always greener.  My ex left me for his coworker and they were done a year and a half later.  Trust me if you ruin your marriage for this guy it will most likely not last.  Quit spending all your energy on this other guy and work on your marriage.

Ditto what the others said.  You are having an emotional affair and it will escalate into a physical affair if you don't cut him off now.  And trust me any man that is willing to ruin someone else's marriage this way is not worth your time.  If you continue this it will end very badly for you.

Agreed you should put yourself in your H's shoes and think about how you would feel if he was having an emotional affair behind your back.  And inviting that woman into your home.  It is really bad what you are doing.  I have had it done to me and it really feels like sh*t to be betrayed that way by the one person who you are supposed to be able to trust.  If your H finds out he will probably leave you.

blythebrownlow

I recently read a book with some really good advice (Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert), anyway, at one point they are talking about cheating.  The advice given was that if you are telling this man your hopes/dreams, things you should only be talking to your husband about...that's a serious problem.  No matter what you're never going to stop seeing/thinking about other people to some extent.  

I think if you're putting all of this on another man...maybe you need to look into your relationship with your husband...either something is missing or not what you want/need.  Talk to him...not this other guy.

Along52612

You should defiantly stop contact with this other man!! you friend didn't give you very good advice... It is just making it worse. I think you and your H need to talk sound like you and your H need a long talk apparently your not getting something in marriage that you are getting from this other man... You & your H need counseling. Work this out with him.

pinkbury

If you were just having quick chats, then how did he get your phone number to text you? Like the first person said, what if your husband was doing this to you? I think you and your husband should divorce. You're not ready for marriage. Save him from you.

wiggsaj

konstantine04 said:

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now. I spend anytime that I'm alone crying because I am completely torn. 

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2012, but have been together for 8 years. Our relationship is not always perfect, his parents and all but one sibling don't speak to me, (one didn't come to our wedding), but I thought it was working. That was until a few months ago; I started to develop a crush on another man. Crushes are normal in marriage, believe it or not. I have known this person for over a year now, we work in the same building. Nothing ever happened besides a quick "hey how's it going", when passing each other in the hallway, and a quick chat at the local walmart when we literally ran into each other. Other than that our contact was pretty limited, but both of us would blush whenever we saw one another. (He is shy, and I'm pale and blush at EVERYTHING). 
In October, things changed. We started to talk daily, mostly though text. This should have never happened. You need to remove him from your phone. But then I started to see him around more, so we would have a quick chat. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him, I can't stop smiling when I know I'm going to see him, I grin like a fool when I get a text from him. I feel like I am a teenager again. 

I've told a close friend about all of this, (she knows my husband) and her suggestion was to have him and my husband become friends, and then hopefully the infatuation would go away. This was not a good idea either. . .So, I started inviting him over to watch hockey with my husband and I. Which he does on a pretty regular basis now. But his personality changes when he is around my husband, not enough for anyone to really pick up on it, but I notice. When we are alone, (which isn't often), there are little looks, comments and smiles that make me feel like I am actually worth something. Does your husband not make you feel like you're worth something? Do you have the ability to feel that you're worth something without needing the attention from anyone else? If you answer no, the problems are much deeper than you thought. I've sent the same friend some texts that we have sent back and forth, and she thinks that this guy is perfect for me - he honestly feels like he is. The last time we hung out he was sitting beside my husband, and I thought "what am I going to do?!" and he looked over and gave me one of *those* smiles, and I almost started to cry right there. He needs to stop coming over. You two need to stop spending time together. 
I just am so confused, I thought I was happy in my marriage, but I have been blindsided by this whole crush. That's because you are happy in marriage, but the idea of something new is refreshing and distracting to you, so you feel as if it would be better. In reality, it will make you miserable. I've tried not talking to him, and it makes me miserable. I get moody, and snappy with everyone around me, and the second I get a message from him, my mood flips and I can't stop smiling. Stick to it. If you consider each and every interaction with him to be cheating on your husband, that will provide a little bit of motivation for you. You may be miserable for now, but I'm sure this crush is not worth your entire marriage.

I love my husband, but, I also know that I have some serious feelings for this other guy. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my husband about how I'm not happy, I've even used the words "I'm miserable", and he just gave me a hug and went to play video games. This is a communication issue that needs to be solved ASAP.
I'm at a loss... </3

Okay.

When you first developed this crush with him, you should have told your husband. Crushes are normal in marriage. Just because you think a man you work with is attractive, that doesn't make you a bad wife. 

You should have never began texting this man unless it was work related. (If your work requires that you text people, you should have a work phone. These conversations should have only taken place on that work phone). If, for any reason, the two of you began talking about things other than work, you should have told your husband about it and given him the option to read the messages. If he didn't like what he read, you should have notified your coworker that for personal reasons, the two of you cannot talk outside of work, or about anything that is not work related. If he had any sort of problem with this, you should have talked with HR or your manager about it. 

This man should have never gone near your home. But, now that he has, it's clear that he knows you're married. He clearly has no respect for you if he's willing to persue you knowing you are married. The fact that he acts differently with you while he is with your husband shows a complete lack of respect for marriage, which is a direct reflection of how he may behave in his own future marriage. That's a big componant to keep in mind. 

The moment you began persuing this man was the moment you began cheating on your husband. (Some people disagree, but I stand firm on that). At this point, it is far too late to let it slide. 

The next thing you need to do is make a decision. Is this man more important to you than your husband? Could you see having a future with this man? How would your life look during the next 20 years if you stayed with your husband? How would it look without him? Do you realize that by jeopardizing this marriage for a man you only have a slight crush on, you could be throwing away everything for nothing? Is that worth it to you? Then uou need to talk to your husband. You need to sit down with him and tell him all about the feelings you've developed for this man. You need to also communicate that there is a problem in the relationship that the two of you are having and it needs to be talked about. Your feelings should always be respected no matter what they are, and you need to express that to him. No matter what decision you make, you promised yourself to this man and he deserves to at least know the truth. Don't leave him in the dark about ANYTHING. You need to be extremely careful to tell him every single thing that comes to mind. Make sure nothing comes in the way of this crutial conversation. Tell him that you need to talk to him a few days in advance and schedule in at least two hours of talking time (1 on 1. No TV, phones, video games, or even dinner.) When you tell him in advance, ask him to try to come up with a few things he'd like to discuss as well.

If you choose to stay with your husband, you need to cut off all comunications with this man. If that means quitting your job, so be it. It's more important. Do try all other options first though.

You should then go to some marital counseling as well as personal counseling. 

Above all, forgive yourself. You're not the first woman to have this problem. Your marriage isn't headed for the rocks as long as you don't let it.

yaykarin

I want to say - I feel for you, OP. I have been where you are. So much of your story rang true for me. My DH and I have been married for almost 7 years and during that time there have been 2 separate guys with whom I have felt much of what you described. 

I felt the butterflies, the excitement, all that. And both times I knew the guys socially for activities we were involved in through the community (church, theater, etc). We were not connected at work, so there wasn't that "professional" barrier. My husband knew them, he was fine with us being in communication because we had to be for the activity we were in together. 

There was no "red hand" or "smoking gun". Not 1 inappropriate text message, email, nothing. Nothing really happened at all, but each time I was forthcoming and came to my husband and told him "I'm sorry, I didn't do anything physically, but mentally, emotionally, I owe you an apology because of my feelings for this guy". I told him about the butterflies, the thoughts, longing, confessed to sometimes spending more time than needed with them, etc. 

This was more than merely "cutting them out" because this isn't always an option. Plus it can just add to the "forbidden fruit" appeal. Instead, this forced me into a place of being accountable for my actions going forward and broke the secrecy barrier I had built. It ensured that I was no longer the only one watching my actions, but my husband was too. 

Do I think this should happen each and every time a spouse finds someone attractive? Of course not. But I think we all know where that line is in us. That line between noticing/admiring from a distance versus becoming emotionally attached - which, OP, it very much sounds to me like you are. And from my experience, those emotional ties are not easily broken. It's been years since I've spoken with either of these guys but some of those feelings/memories remain.  

But the good news is DH and I have moved past it. He was incredibly understanding, forgiving, and he too would be one to "just go keep playing video games" but when he understood EXACTLY what was going on in me it made him more open to seeing that not everything was great and what we could both do to make things better. 

Also, after almost 7 years I'm continually reminding myself that marriage is a moving target. I think it's easy to see it as "stagnant" or something. Like -- how it is now, it will always be. But I'm discovering it's really not. It changes often, and quickly. So don't lose hope. You never know how close you might be to having a really happy marriage.