Learning how to live together and maintain personal space

Melrdson

We have been married for 8 months, we did not live together before we got married and lived in separate states, so we had a lot of Skype hanging out in between bi-weekly visits. I am not a super clingy person, and am use to having some personal space to be able to wander around shopping after work, or read a book before bed, or go to the gym...I lost my job 1 mth after getting married, and it turned out to be a blessing becuz it got us into the same state and I obtained a new job with a triple promotion so we have been fully blessed. I feel like a jerk, becuz I married a beautiful man, but I feel smothered. If I'm on the couch he wants to be touching me, if I am in another room he calls for me and ask if I'm ok, or comes to look for me, if I don't come straight home after work he calls every 30 min telling me he misses me and wants me to come home, if I have a beverage, he only wants to drink out of mine and not his, he gets Whiney if I'm on my iPad sitting next to him or trying to read a book..(I have 2 books I haven't even been able to read since we moved in together). We were long distance for 2 yrs and were able to see each other bi-weekly so we were always tried to make the most out of our weekends together. I love that we are finally together, but I still need my personal space. I have spoken to him about it and he agrees but then has amnesia and gets needy and clingy all over again...it's starting to affect our intimacy becuz I'm soo annoyed with the constant neediness...any words of advice would be appreciated. I love my husband and he is a wonderful person, he is my true soul mate, but something's gotta give.

Kimbus22

You need to talk to him again.  Maybe agree on he gives you 30 minutes to yourself to decompress after work or something like that if need be.  But you need to make your needs clear and tell him that it's for the betterment of your relationship for him to respect your need for a little alone time.

I got nothing for him drinking out of your cup.  My H will never get his own drink if I have one. I suspect that has more to do with laziness than a desire to be close to me though lol

TattieSoup

I sympathise a lot as this would drive me completely insane. I need a lot of my own space.

Doesn't he have any interests of his own? Maybe encourage him to get out of the house a bit, join a club for something he is interested in and get a circle of friends he can go out with in the evenings so you have some time by yourself in the house.

You could get a Do Not Disturb sign and ask him to respect it. Then if you want to read your book, you go in the bedroom, close the door and hang up the sign, and that's it, you get two hours or so with no interruptions.

Melrdson

Thank you ladies, that's great advice. I am definitely going to address it again. The Do Not Disturb sign is a great visual idea too. He has interest and friends, though now that we live in the same city he has made me such a priority that he no longer hangs with his friends..sounds crazy to be annoyed by that, but instead of feeling like a priority it feels so smothering. Thanks again, it really helps to vent and get valid replies.

Sillygirl45

Strongly encourage him to get out with his friends and not make you the only thing in his life. It's not healthy.  Keep doing what you want as well. Tell him you're going shopping and what time you'll be home. Ask him to please not call and make you feel guilty. If he does, don't answer. Maybe text restating that you're shopping and you'll be home at whatever time. Let him know you're going to do this.

Sit down and have another talk. I'm guessing that since you were long distance for so long, he is still acting like you're going somewhere. This may take more than one conversation. It will probably wane over time as well. 8 months, especially not being in the same area before, isn't terribly long.

I would be driven nuts too though

jtmh2012

Sounds to me that the two of you are just not compatible in this regard.

Leftie22

Do you tell him you want an hour to read, or do you just leave? I like my alone time too, but I try to tell my DH that's what I'm doing. And sometimes he just disappears, and I go looking for him just because I'm curious if he's coming back in 5 minutes or 2 hours. If he tells me "hey, I'm going to go watch a movie downstairs" then good, I know I have two hours to do something I want to do. Maybe you just need to make your alone time a little more clear to your DH. "I'm going to go read for a bit. Want to watch a movie at 8?" That way, he can fill the time for himself, and know when you're going to be back to do something with him.

Melrdson

Announcing that I am going to read or going to be gone for a bit to shop is a good idea, especially so it gives him an expectation. I normally pick up a book in the bedroom and start reading and then he comes looking for me to see if everything is ok. I had a talk with him about all of this again this morning and his feelings were a bit hurt becuz he feels as though if I'm not next to him touching him or with him every moment then we are not appreciating the fact that we finally live together. I re-assured him that I completely appreciate that we are finally together and I love being with him, I just don't need to touch him constantly when I'm next to him on the couch, and that even though we are married I still need my personal space. He finally understood. He's truly a wonderful person so I am glad we were able to talk about it again, I am sure I will start to see a change, and will initiate the advice received for sure!

R.Wilsonny

I'm wondering if maybe he's acting 'clingy' to make up for all the time you guys weren't together since you did the long distance thing for so long. I like what others suggested but maybe you could also do a group date night with his friends, that way you both get out and have some social interaction with other people. That might actually remind him that he shouldn't abandon his friends and even encourage him to go off on his own once in a while.

hersheykiss21

HAHAHA Yesterday my husband walked up the stairs while I was working and started screaming "Where's my wife?" I swear he's going to give me an eye twitch.  It's about communication.  An "I need a few minutes to deal with things or I am reading" needs to be said often.  My DH and I lived together for 2 years before marriage.  When I first moved in he would check on me every 30 minutes too!  

Have you considered his behavior is literally based on pure excitement?  The sooner you communicate before your decompression time the better.  Sometimes he will pop his head in when I am bathing and ask 'Is this alone bath time or can I shower?" It took ALOT of time to get to that point.  It doesn't hurt his feelings anymore when I tell him I need my own time.  I need the alone time to refuel to be a better version of myself.  Took awhile not to feel guilty on my end.  I've noticed if I tell him a specific time we can reconvene to do x or y later it goes better.  Good luck!

PS What are you reading?  I'm looking for a new book..anything good? 

Melrdson

Yes, I think lots of it has to do with excitement of getting to come home to one another everyday. I've been incorporating the communication of announcing I'm going to read, or I'm going to re-organize my closet..so he's had the expectations set and it's worked so far. I can also tell he's keeping himself in check and trying not to bother me every 20 min. I have been trying to finish Mocking Jay from the Hhunger Games for quite sometime so I'm trying to get into it again, and Dan Brown's Inferno. I usually go back and forth between those types of books and the career girl finds love and happily ever after stuff, ha.