Coming back from an affair

saramaye2010

My husband and I have been married for 2 years tomorrow. We've had a rough year (both of our cars broke down on the same day, had to buy 2 new ones, living with my parents, career & financial issues, etc.) and on Halloween night our 2 month separation started. For me, I felt like I didn't really get an explanation as to why he felt like he couldn't live with me any longer (I understand more now) and I accepted and began to work on my own failings, and even began seeing a counselor on my own as he wasn't willing to go. While he was gone, my husband had an affair with a girl he worked with (my husband still works for the same company but his boss moved him to a different store because he disagreed with what was going on, thankfully), and although he has told her he wants to work on things with me, I am having a hard time letting go of the pain of knowing my husband had feelings for someone else and likely shared a bed with her. I love my husband, and I want to do all I can to repair what has happened to better our marriage and move on from everything. 

I guess what I am looking for is advice or helpful tips from people that may have been through something similar in their own marriages. At this point, the pain is too fresh for me to have a deep conversation with him about it, because I slip into anger, crying, or resentment, and it doesn't get anywhere helpful. I am willing to forgive him, but I don't know where to start in repairing my own insecurities that have developed from this situation and where to begin in rebuilding my trust in him. 

TarponMonoxide

Way too early for a marriage to be riddled with intimacy problems.:(

What about you? What do you want to do? Do you want to actively work on the marriage or do you wish to move on?

He has to be 100% in wanting to fix what's wrong with the marriage --- otherwise there is no sense in continuing in the marriage at all.

Has the told you he is willing to go to counseling? He's got to be on the bus with that, also. If he isn't, not good news.

saramaye2010

I want to work on things. I always thought an affair would be a deal breaker for me, but I've realized it doesn't always feel that way. He is willing to go to counseling with me now and he's been reading some of my marriage books with me. We've been talking openly about things we want and things that we need to work on together. I feel like he is sincere in wanting to make up for his mistakes. I'm just afraid that this is always going to be at the back of my mind and creeping up whenever he says he's going somewhere. I don't want to feel like I can't trust him again. 

Sillygirl45

You're only going to find out what needs to be done and if you can get over this with the help of a professional. I think there are also websites devoted to surviving infidelity. You may have some luck there.

It's certainly something to think about that you haven't been married very long and he chose to go outside the marriage when things got rough. This may have been an isolated incident and he has realized this is not how to deal with things, or it could be the beginning of a pattern.

You both need counseling asap. Good luck.

GilliC

I guess the two of you discussed the ground rules for the separation and agreed not to see other people?

Why did the separation end? Since it was his decision to leave, and his decision to see someone else while you were apart, was it also his decision to come back? That doesn't sound like he's really committed to a healthy relationship with you.

And if you didn't have the exclusivity-during-separation discussion, I'm sorry, but I'm with Ross on this one.

GilliC

Regardless of any other circumstances, though, you have some serious issues ahead of you if you want this relationship to work. It's possible. However, there's nothing wrong with splitting up with someone you love. Love does not conquer all. I still love my ex-husband, for all of the reasons I married him in the first place. That doesn't change the fact that we are not a good match for other reasons.

Think about whether this man is going to make you happy for the next 40 years or if you want them to be the same as the first two.

magsugar13

im a little confused...

You had a timed separation? 2 months was the time allowed?

And your H couldnt go 2 whole months keeping his  junk in his pants?

And youve only been married 2 years?

and YOU want to do anything to make it work? 

Im sorry but your marriage wasnt solid or stable BEFORE the affair,  how in the world could it be stable after an affair?

Leftie22

I think you deserve better. Lots of marriages survive hard times without people cheating. Now you know that when the going gets tough, he's not going to be there for you, and will go sleep with someone else. Is that the basis of a good marriage? My DH and I had a horrible first year of marriage, financially, both sides of our families breaking up, a premature baby, etc., etc., and we had to be there for each other. Like we promised in our vows. If you can't rely on your DH for that kind of support, he's not worth being married to.

TarponMonoxide

You may not be able to get over what happened and your trust for him may be gone for good.

I can't get over that one --- he's off with other women?? Indeed: why did he have to "go there" at all?

You had a rough year with what you described and if he can't see those things through with you it makes me wonder what kind of team partner you've got there at all.

The ball is in your court on this one. Put yourself first. GL.

ReturnOfKuus

It's not time to end the separation yet, looks like. 

na41313

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and I couldn't imagine dealing with something so painful. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband is making you much of a priority. However, my first move would be getting into therapy. Both of you going together, and on your own as well. Good luck!

cloudymeatballs

I, personally, would not be able to stay. I get you were separated, but you are still married. Cheating is my deal breaker. I know myself and I would not be able to ever get over it. I know I would not be able to trust him 100% and that just would ruin it for me. I would always have that in the back of my mind and wondering if he was ever or may ever go find some other girl next time we were having problems. If you do want to try to work it out, go for it. But I would definitely see someone. Go talk to somebody both individually and as a couple. Therapy may help one way or the other, but I think it will help you see what is right for you. Good luck

cloudymeatballs

.

Dreamergirl8812

I strongly recommend www.survivinginfidelity.com.

Read the healing library and post on the forums. These are the people who have lived (and are living) through what you are going through.