baby on the brain

formerlyGDaisy09

Hi Everyone!

DH and I have been married for 1.5 years, we own our house, have 2 cats, 1 dog, and both have stable jobs. I'm 26 DH is 28, so we're young-ish. We've discussed on very logical terms when it makes sense to have a baby, I think we're both at a point where a "surprise" wouldn't throw us into a panic, but not ready to make the concious choice to try yet. 

Lately I've had nearly nightly vivid baby dreams, and I guess i would say that I'm feeling that biologic-drive to start a family. However, spending time with our young nieces and nephews (we have 4 ages 1 year to 7 years old), I find I have no desire to be doing kid-related things.  juggling a toddler at the dinner table, answering incessent questions like "but mommy why?".  I nearly went crazy at our 1-year old niece's birthday party.  I feel the same thing when I see a yougn mom wrestling a kid or two into the shopping cart at the grocery store, or black friday shoppers who have clearly been up shopping all night.  I have zero desire to be adding any of those activities to my life.  I guess I'm wondering how to balance these competing feelings.

Has anyone else felt something similar?

beyond the logical level (if we start "trying" in 2 years then we can probably have 2 kids with 2-3 years between them before I'm 35) how did you and your DHs decide when you were ready?

what about the added complexity of a mother who says she's not ready to be a grandma any time soon (clearly this shouldn't be a deciding factor, but meddling opinionated mothers do add stress)

Leftie22

Well, I didn't even meet my DH until I was 31, so age wasn't really a consideration. But I can relate to what you're saying about seeing other moms and thinking "ummm...no thanks." All I can say is that it's completely different when it's your own child. Yes, they will still drive you crazy, but you also have all the adorable, snuggly, heartbreaking moments of intense love. That's what keeps you going. For example, my two-year-old was being a huge pain in the butt while we were trying to get out the door today. But then he suddenly turned to me and said "hug a mama?" and my poor little motherly heart broke. They are so obnoxious and so precious at the same time, it's really hard to describe. So yes, when my nephew is being a brat, it seems way worse. When it's mine, at least I can think back on all the cute things he does. If that makes sense. And as for your mom, don't let that be a factor. No one has to be ready for a baby but you and your DH. If she's not ready, too bad for her.

formerlyGDaisy09

glad to know that perhaps its hard to tell if you're ready to be a mom based on other people's children.  I still have some days when I really like the way my life is right now, clearly kids change that in every way, and I have the occasional passing thought that maybe I never want kids, I have an amazing aunt and uncle who have dogs instead of kids and they do so much traveling, their house is amazing, and sometime I think that being the really awesome Aunt and Uncle could be wonderful.  I've never had those thoughts before, and DH would never get on board, this would be a deal breaker for him.  And then I have these really intense baby dreams and minor twinges of jealosy with friends having babies. 

I guess I need to really carefully sort through all my thoughts.

lisa2008boo

My husband and I are in the exact same place you are we could start TTC but we also feel not totally there yet. It is a confusing place to be but I al so hold to hope that when it is your own child it makes things different. =]

Trixeetrix

Gdaisy I think this is completely normal!  I am going through something very similar (and have been married the same time as you - although I am a few years older)  I keep thinking about babies but at the same time when I see someone else with a screaming child I am thankful that is not me.  I too have days where I think that maybe I don't ever want kids.  There is nothing wrong with thinking that maybe you want to have some but identifying that now is not the right time.  You have plenty of time to figure it out!  

formerlyGDaisy09

Phew, glad this is normal! I struggle with in-between places

dragon_chica

I didn't have my first child until I was 33.  By then DH and I were married for almost 3 years.  I'm glad I waited.  We traveled extensively, enjoyed dinners out with friends, watched movies and TV shows whenever we wanted, etc.  At 26 I would say even if you waited another 4 years it wouldn't be the end of the world.  I was two different people at 26 and 30 so by the time you reach that age you may have a different outlook.  Or, by that time you may realize you don't want kids who knows (and GL on that if it does come to that and it's a dealbreaker for your DH.)

And ditto the others about it being different when it's your own kid.  You have that bond and love for your child that you don't have for another person's, even your own niece and nephew.  I remember when my cousin was PG with #1 and she asked us if we were grossed out that our son (6 months at the time) was drooling on us.  We said no because it didn't matter.  He's our son.  Now, if someone else's kid drooled or did anything else on me I would be thoroughly disgusted and may not hold that child for a while!

doeydo

Neither my fiance nor I want to have kids.  However, I can relate to what you mean by having a sort of baby fever due to hormones or whatever.  

cclejeune

I'm so glad you posted this; I'm in the same boat. I'll have dreams about having a baby or see my pregnant friends celebrating and posting about it on Facebook and I get excited and think I may want a baby now. And then I go spend a few hours with my best friend's one-year-old and I wonder whether I'll ever be fully ready for that level of day in, day out committment. Glad to hear this is normal for my age.

jesannnne

Every women get that drive to be all "I want to have a baby." And my husband and I are on the same page... We're not "trying" but we're not NOT trying either. Lol 

Lilyrose4242

I've had fleeting, "I want a baby," thoughts too. H and I are waiting five years though before we start trying. We are financially stable enough that a surprise wont make us freak out either. I like that we're waiting, traveling and what not first. It's hard when I'm one of the last of my friends not to have a baby yet. On the bright side whenever I get baby fever I just offer to watch one of my friends kids.

We don't have any pets though so we might adopt from the animal shelter soon.

tiffielynn91

Happy to know that other people are having the conflicting baby feelings too. Im only 23 and my hubby just turned 25 so babies are still a ways away for us. However sometimes I do still get the baby itch, and have the baby dreams. Hopefully we will start trying next spring once I am out of school and have a job. Good luck everyone!!

formerlyGDaisy09

DH and I have discussed that this isn't the right time...while I have daily thoughts about if there is ever a right time, I find it helpful to think about events on our calendar in the next year to year and a half and think about if I'd really want to be pregnant or dealing with an infant when we're, on vacation in Jamaica, at several of my best friend's weddings, or even missing conferences for work. and when the answer to any of those questions is definitely not, then I can more easily convince myself that now is indeed not the right time. 

rlyttle

Trust me, I have no desire to do kids stuff either. I don't like kids birthday parties, playing kids games, nothing. With that being said I always wanted to be a mother and it's VERY different with your own kids. I'm still not into other people's kids too much (a little more than I was before I had DS). Having my own family is great, but I'm never going to be the one that jumps in with the kids playing a game on the floor or saying "oh look at that baby I must hold it". It doesn't mean you won't be a good mother one day. 

moonprincessd

Everyone tells me it's different when it's YOUR kid and I think that might be it. I don't really like kids, but everyone around me is having babies and I can't help but be like "I want one!" 

I do want one, but not now, so I just remind myself that I'll regret it and it won't be fair for the child if I don't get what I want to get done first. My husband doesn't want one till we're financially ready and the house is ready, we have the money, but that money right now has to go to the house, so won't be another year before we'll have our savings back up, but then I want to travel.... 

I just keep telling myself wait, wait, wait, you're in your twenties, you got plenty of time. So far it's working!

mrsegan13

I'm so glad you posted this. I thought I was bizarre. My husband and I have been married 9 months...I'm 27 and he's 32...I have spent so much time WORRYING about whether or not I want children. I know it isn't the right time to think about it for another 3 years or so (for us I mean), but I'm the kind of person that wants a 5 year plan, so not knowing the answer to the most major question of all has been really difficult. I finally realized I have to stop talking about it and just enjoy this time and see what happens. I don't want to drive my poor husband nuts by constantly bringing up my doubts (he says he is fine either way---he loves me and will be happy to be a parent with me--or not!) and it's just not something we can figure out at this time anyway. A lot of my friends are having kids. I kind of feel sorry for them in a way because they don't have the freedom (or sleep!) that I do. I only feel jealous of friends with babies if I never see the baby in real life (just pictures). From afar it looks really nice, LOL. 

Maybride2

My first was born when I was 28. I was ready, we were ready. But even at 26, I was not ready. He was not ready. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're not ready - what's wrong is having one just because you think it's time. And you're right - for as wonderful as children are (they are!), they change your life in ways that can't even be explained (positive AND negative). Good for you for putting thought into the decision and listening to your head.

Kimbus22

Leftie22 said:

Well, I didn't even meet my DH until I was 31, so age wasn't really a consideration. But I can relate to what you're saying about seeing other moms and thinking "ummm...no thanks." All I can say is that it's completely different when it's your own child. Yes, they will still drive you crazy, but you also have all the adorable, snuggly, heartbreaking moments of intense love. That's what keeps you going. For example, my two-year-old was being a huge pain in the butt while we were trying to get out the door today. But then he suddenly turned to me and said "hug a mama?" and my poor little motherly heart broke. They are so obnoxious and so precious at the same time, it's really hard to describe. So yes, when my nephew is being a brat, it seems way worse. When it's mine, at least I can think back on all the cute things he does. If that makes sense. And as for your mom, don't let that be a factor. No one has to be ready for a baby but you and your DH. If she's not ready, too bad for her.

This.  It's different when it's your own kid. My kid drives me up the fucking wall.  But he's also the high point of every single day and makes me happier than anything in the entire world.  Do I enjoy when I turn on the light without asking if he wants to do it first and it results in a 20 minute kicking and screaming tantrum?  No.  But sometimes I literally leave the room to pee, come back two minutes later and sit down and he climbs into my lap all smiles and goes, "Oh Mommy.  I missed you." and gives me a giant hug.  Those moments are worth every single tantrum in between.

But I wasn't ready at 26 either.  At 28, I was.  All of a sudden I started looking at those frazzled moms at the store and instead of cringing, I'd be thinking, "I bet I can do that..."

formerlyGDaisy09

haha, we keep getting bombarded with proof that we're not ready, but all the babies and pregos I'm friends with on facebook keep making me think "she's a mom, well if she can do it, I could do it". too many babies on facebook right now.

KatieCutie05

Well we are "trying" but not for another 3 months because of a friends wedding. I'm SO not financially ready, but i've also made peace with the fact that we won't be for a long time, its going to completely derail and push off our goals but i've made peace with that. After only 2 unsuccessful months i'm just terrified somethings wrong because everyone in my family always says how super fertile we are.... I hope this is just my anxiety speaking.

This is how i know i'm ready for a baby - I want to hold my friends baby all the time, I volunteer to change diapers, I look at them with jealousy because they have one and i don't, Instead of getting annoyed with baby crying I will find myself wanting to make the baby feel better, I see pregnant people and I just stare wishing that was me. ..... A few years ago I was totally content not wanting to have kids until i'm 30 - I'm 25! This is 5 years early - what happened to me!

formerlyGDaisy09

You hit the nail on the head. I've been feeling like every part of me is wanting a baby...I have 2 pregnant co-workers right now (little jealous), so many babies around me...who gets jealous of moms out on walks with their stroller and well behaved dog (seriously how cute is that? my dog has finally mastered leash manners, I could do that!). and then there's my brain saying...this is not the plan, the plan is wait 'til you're 29 (I turn 27 in a couple months). you don't have money for a baby, don't forget about your 6 close friends who are getting married in the next 18 months... 

and I don't think 2 months is anything to be concerned about. 

schuette2

Gdaisy09 said:

Phew, glad this is normal! I struggle with in-between places

You're not the only one. We're in the same boat, coming up on our 5th anniversary and still childless, yet keep going back and forth on whether we want to even try.