My Husband has Adult ADD and....

SmithMcFarlane

Ok, to start off, NO, he hadn't been diagnosed with ADD when we got married, but here is my issue/concern.  If you understand ADD, you can understand the urges that someone like him may have.  We moved in before we got married and I started to notice things about him that reminded me of someone who was depressed.  After a while we got married and things got worse.  I told him to go see a doctor about it and he reluctantly did.  He went to his first apt and came home and told me it wasn't depression, it was ADD and I needed to go with him to his next apt.  At the next apt, we talked with the doctor about the "symptoms" that my husband had, things like losing track of time, being bad with money, and losing things often such as car keys.  We worked out a plan with this doctor and things went well for a while. The plan included me taking care of all the finances, which I am fine with, we are better off financially because of it.

Then my husband lost his job, and shortly there after, his doctor ended up leaving her practice and we couldn't follow because of insurance.  The new guy that we got refuses to talk to me, and I really think he is screwing my husband up.  My husbands issues are worse than ever!  He now has a part time job, while I work full time, and go to school part time.  I have expressed to my husband that I don't like his new doctor and I think we should look around.  My husband said he likes his doctor and doesn't want to. 

So here is the issue, as I said, my husband works part time, in fact next week, they only gave him 1 shift.  So, with him being home, our house is becoming a mess!  I dug under the bed yesterday and found empty soda cans and a plate of food.  I have no idea how long either have been down there.  He refuses to clean unless I start cleaning first.  He doesn't put his dirty laundry away and I basically have to do everything.  I even have had to ask him to take the dogs out and/or feed them.  I realize that part of ADD includes having a set routine, and I try to keep things as routine as possible, however it hasn't been easy with the way that his schedule works.  I had to move his car the other day, and there is so much garbage in his car that it literally is half way up the front passenger seat in his car.  I have tried to get him to workout with me because I know this helps ADD as well, but he refuses.  I do feel that there is depression at work here too, but again, his doctor refuses to talk to me.  Because our place is so trashed, I told him today he has 2 choices, clean the upstairs, or do the fish tanks.  He literally kicked our hamper, and said "fuck you" and stormed off.  He has NEVER done anything like this before. 

I have no problem cleaning, but I feel that he should be helping out more, and being an adult and cleaning up after himself.  And I'm sorry for getting really personal here, but we haven't has sex in over a month, because he just doesn't want to.  Last time, after we did, he goes "there you go, now you should be good for a while" I was like wtf?!  But I just let it go.  I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex and he says he just isn't interested.  So what he does instead of cleaning, helping with meals, the dogs and anything else is playing a computer game.   I'm seriously at a loss of what to do.  He has been so sensitive about everything.  I'm not trying to upset him, I'm just trying to get some help from him.  I have yelled at him in the past to get him to help and that really doesn't help much.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to get a divorce.  I've also put off posting on here because I have asked others what for advice and they say to get a divorce, or just let him be messy.  Well, I can't let him be messy because he leaves food laying around...So if anyone has any suggestions, please help!

MariaBend25

maybe it is time for an ultimatum? I hate ultimatums but he is using his diagnosis as an excuse to not help you out. It seems like after he was diagnosed and told what "symptoms" he would experience, he has lived up to them knowing you will write it off as part of his disorder. Find a new doctor for him and who knows use the new health care laws as an excuse to get him to a new doctor if you have to. But ultimately, you need to make it clear to him, in a relaxed, adult conversation, that you will not tolerate him not helping out and leaving junk all over the place. You are not his mother or his caretaker but he is acting like you are. Maybe if you get him on the same page as you and he realizes he has to start helping and acting like a husband the rest of your relationship might improve too (get marital counseling if he does decide he needs to change to help you both get back on track). If he still doesn't change after you talk to him then start protecting yourself and preparing for the divorce. You can only give so much of yourself, and so much time and effort before it is a lost cause. Good luck, I wish you the best and hope he comes around and gets better help.

Maybride2

You're getting played, big time. Your husband might indeed have ADD, but he's also a lazy worthless a-hole. Do YOU want to live like this forever, taking care of an overgrown child? I don't even think I'd bother with an ultimatum - he's showing you, right now, his true character. He doesn't care that you're unhappy, doesn't care that you're busting your butt while he does nothing. He doesn't want to have sex with you, he doesn't want to have a normal married relationship with you. He wants a mommy. Issuing an ultimatum will most likely be a waste of time. Leave him, there are plenty of men in this world who don't need their wife to wipe their butt for them.

BulgariHeart

Maybride2 said:

You're getting played, big time. Your husband might indeed have ADD, but he's also a lazy worthless a-hole. Do YOU want to live like this forever, taking care of an overgrown child? I don't even think I'd bother with an ultimatum - he's showing you, right now, his true character. He doesn't care that you're unhappy, doesn't care that you're busting your butt while he does nothing. He doesn't want to have sex with you, he doesn't want to have a normal married relationship with you. He wants a mommy. Issuing an ultimatum will most likely be a waste of time. Leave him, there are plenty of men in this world who don't need their wife to wipe their butt for them.

This is exactly what I was going to post. OP I'm sorry but I agree that you're being played. The people IRL that are telling you to divorce him are probably seeing it too and are trying to spare you from anymore misery. This goes well beyond ADD, that "there you go, now you should be good for a while" comment made my skin crawl. The sooner you come to realize what this really is, the sooner you'll meet the man who'll be an equal partner in a marriage with you.

Leftie22

I don't feel like you have many options in this situation. I know that that answer sucks, but really, what are your choices here? You can A. Keep living in a terrible situation where you have to take care of your husband while he doesn't contribute, insults you and doesn't fulfill your needs. B. Divorce him, which you say you don't want to do, or C. Change your husband into a completely different person - which is impossible and totally out of your control. I'm sorry, but there's not much advice anyone can give you, because you're already doing everything you can. It's up to him to want to change, and he isn't going to. There's nothing you can do to make him change. I think it's time to stop trying to turn him into the right person for you, and instead, let him go so you can find someone who actually IS all the things that you want in a partner, without you having to twist his arm or carry him along like a child. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but your situation sounds impossible, and sometimes you have to know when to give up. Wishing you all the best.

R.Wilsonny

Yea, it seems to me like your H is using his 'illness' as an excuse to treat you like shit. I don't think any amount of counseling is going to fix that. I know someone who went through the same thing and once things turned physical, she left. I'd get out now before it's too late.

lisa2008boo

I don't think it is at the point of divorce. But you need to have a serious sit down and let him know you mean business. He has ADD but he can get help and medicine. People function with all kinds of disorders all the time. But you have to try and he clearly is not. Look into counseling he needs to know that if he doesn't find some motivation and soon he is looking at loosing his family. Therapy with a professional to mediate would be my next step. From there finding a doctor you agree on to regulate his meds would be next.

SmithMcFarlane

Thank you everyone!  MariaBend25 I will be using an ultimatum with him, and lisa2008boo, I agree, we need to find a doctor to regulate his medications.  He has never acted like this before, so I'm not ready to give up.  Thank you!

Sillygirl45

Well, if you're not ready to give up, you need to find out why his doctor won't talk to you. If it's patient confidentiality, that means your H told him not to talk to you. If that's not enough for you to see he's not willing to work on the marriage, I don't know what would be. 

He may be depressed but he's showing you loud and clear he's not interested on fixing it. If he decides to put an effort forth, fine. If not, you're going to be in this by yourself until you realize you wasted a whole bunch of time and heartache for nothing. 

Sorry, but you need to prepare yourself. 

Maybride2

Getting to the point of issuing ultimatums means the marriage is pretty much over anyway. But have fun trying. My crystal ball tells me that in 6 months your life will look exactly as it does now, cleaning half-eaten food from under the bed and begging for sex.

lisa2008boo

SmithMcFarlane said:

Thank you everyone!  MariaBend25 I will be using an ultimatum with him, and lisa2008boo, I agree, we need to find a doctor to regulate his medications.  He has never acted like this before, so I'm not ready to give up.  Thank you!

Tell him you are seriously concerned you are noticing things in his behavior you have never seen before. And that being his wife being around him 24/7 you would be the first to notice something was wrong. My mother has bipolar disorder and knowing her I am usually one of the first ones to notice when something is wrong. 

Seriously talk to him about finding a counselor. We did and it helped us a lot just having someone there to listen and like I said mediate between the two of us and let our feelings be known when it was hard for us to express them ourselves. Therapy really helped us communicate as well as gave us some great tools/skills to use in our marriage that improved us as a couple tremendously! 

Keep your head up this has to be hard but I am happy to see that you want to try. part of our marriage vows is to try all our options. And to love our spouse even when they are unlovable and vice versa. I know there are times I am not very lovable and my husband still loves me I am happy to repay that grad to him when I can. =]