Marriage Issues/ Questions- Need Help!!!

despinoza17

Hello Everyone,

So, basically I am having a really hard time with somethings about marriage. My husband and I have been married for just under 6 months and we have been together for 5 years. I love him and our marriage is great, obviously we have times where its not so great but overall we are solid. 

What my problem is, and has been even before we got married is the future. I am afraid we are going to get a divorce, I know its kind of a silly issues since we are fine but I just want these concerns to go away. EVERYONE that has been around me has had there marriage fail and people that you would just never expect. I come from a divorced family as well. I know that these reservations are normal but I just can't seem to put my concerns at ease and just let it go. I normally do not worry about things that are not issues, but divorce is so prevalent in my life that its starting to take over. 

Basically, I am just wondering if I should go speak to a marriage counselor or just a therapist for myself to get these concerns to subside. I love my husband very much and we plan on starting a family and I just want to make sure I don't make myself get all worried and be the reason that we are getting a divorce because I am acting Crazy! lol 

I really would appreciate any advice at this point!

Thanks,

Diana 

Disneygeek77

I can see why you are scared, but I also think there is nothing wrong with going to counseling over your anxieties.  I imagine a trained professional can give you some tools to help you to feel better.  

GilliC

It sounds like there really isn't any logical reason for you to be worried, so it could be helpful to talk to a therapist about it. They can help you work through what you're thinking and figure out why you're anxious and how you can handle it. You don't even need to go to a marriage counselor. Just see if you can make an appointment to talk to a regular therapist about your anxiety.

PixieChinchilla

My recommendation would be a therapist for yourself. A marriage counselor would be helpful if there was an issue in your relationship, but this is an issue that you are having outside of your relationship. 

That being said, I understand how you feel. My parents are divorced, H's parents are divorced, almost all of our siblings have been divorced at least once, and the majority of our friends who have been married are now divorced. On the one hand, that is a scary situation to consider. On the other hand, though, I love my husband, I cannot imagine my life without him, and we are both devoted to keeping our marriage strong. Having the relationship that I have now is worth anything that may happen later in our lives.

sunflowerwife

My parents just went through a divorce, so it brought up a lot of anxiety for me in my new marriage as well. Just remember that you have the power to choose a good relationship every day, as long as you are willing to work at it. If you think a therapist could help then definitely go for it.

despinoza17

Thanks, so much ladies!!! This has really helped, and it also made me feel not so crazy!!

dpdw

A little late to offer advice, but, my opinion is that you are a long way from needing counseling or professional advice.  From your post your believe in your marriage;  you are just afraid of the odds because loads of people around you are from broken marriages.  

Yeah, the odds pretty much suck. And everyone is somewhat hesitant, but… you've already made the leap.  So, you need to shift your focus from "will I get divorced?" or "how can I keep this marriage together?".  Even if there is absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage and it is all sunshine and roses (which it never is) you should focus on "how can I keep this marriage together?".  Especially in the early years of marriage, when loads of your friends are still single, there are a lot on influences that may try to tear you apart… be ready with "how can I keep this marriage together".   When you start having kids, and you are so exhausted that you question who in the marriage is working hard enough, remember the most important thing is, "how can I keep this marriage together". When work starts to interfere with home and someone feels that they are less important than the job, focus on "how can I keep this marriage together."

It all comes down to YOUR marriage.  Don't compare it to other marriages.  Everyone is different so its pointless to compare.  When you and your DH make YOUR MARRIAGE the most important thing in your lives, you can't go wrong.

Personally, I had the same exact fears early on in my dating years (6!), engagement (1.5) and marriage (10 so far!).  My parents divorced when I was a teenager, as a result I delayed marriage until I *thought* I was absolutely sure it was not going to end in divorce. Well, I realized that you can never be really sure.  We've had to MAKE it work.  It does't just automatically work because we love each other.  And, because we've had a long pre-wedding relationship (working out those early-days annoyances), it was easy for us, once we got married,  to focus on our love and our relationship -- not the stupid stuff.

I wish you luck and patience.  Because now that you are married, you need to focus on your marriage, not the get-out clause of divorce.

TarponMonoxide

despinoza17 said:

Hello Everyone,

So, basically I am having a really hard time with somethings about marriage. My husband and I have been married for just under 6 months and we have been together for 5 years. I love him and our marriage is great, obviously we have times where its not so great but overall we are solid. 

What my problem is, and has been even before we got married is the future. I am afraid we are going to get a divorce, I know its kind of a silly issues since we are fine but I just want these concerns to go away. EVERYONE that has been around me has had there marriage fail and people that you would just never expect. I come from a divorced family as well. I know that these reservations are normal but I just can't seem to put my concerns at ease and just let it go. I normally do not worry about things that are not issues, but divorce is so prevalent in my life that its starting to take over. 

Basically, I am just wondering if I should go speak to a marriage counselor or just a therapist for myself to get these concerns to subside. I love my husband very much and we plan on starting a family and I just want to make sure I don't make myself get all worried and be the reason that we are getting a divorce because I am acting Crazy! lol 

I really would appreciate any advice at this point!

Thanks,

Diana 

Do you and he get along well?

Are you both on the same page with all major issues -- money and how to handle it, religion, sex, the size of your family to come and if and when you will have any kids, your families in general (does either your mother or his cause a commotion or is everything fine, for example), is he the kind who has your back and so forth.

Are you both self sufficient, have minimal debt, can he support you if you cannot work anymore and vice versa?

If you have a problem in any of these areas -- or if you have NOT discussed any of these issues -- stop look and listen and you and he get marital counseling stat.

moonprincessd

Fear is normal. I had that fear, my husband never did. His sister was getting a divorce shortly after we got engaged, so I went into worried mode. It didn't help that my parents don't have the best relationship and probably should get a divorce, but likely won't. However, now that we've been married a little over a year, that fear is gone. I realized we're not other people and every couple is different. Sure they may have gotten a divorce, but that doesn't mean we will. We aren't them.

To quote Boy Meets World "Every statistic that you throw at me is gonna be about other people. I don't care about other people, ok? I care about you and me. If every marriage failed except for one, I guarantee you that one would be ours." 

If you continue to feel this way though, I suggest talking to a therapist. 

rlyttle

Is there another underlying issue that you are not seeing? Trust? Communication? Talking to someone might help, but fearing divorce isn't going to keep it from happening. For me I don't fear divorce at all. Sure it may happen. I don't want it to happen, but life will go on if it does. I love my DH with all my heart, but I'm not going to worry about something that may never happen. It's like worrying about being in a car wreck. Sure it may happen, but it's not going to keep me from driving and enjoying driving around. 

ashleyjesse1112

I also come from a full family of divorces. I believe my dad is on his 3rd marriage and my mom will be on her 4th marriage (3rd husband - long story). DH's parents have also been married a few times as well. We just went into saying that divorce was never an option. We don't even say the "D" word when we are talking about ourselves. Do you have any friends at all who are married? Luckily when I met DH he had 2 couples as friends who are married. 1 couple is fairly close to us and we had them as our MOH/BM in our wedding. We consider them to be our mentors in marriage. I'm not sure how you could find a married couple if you don't know anyone, but maybe through church or a meetup.com group? I hope you the best while you are going through this. You might just need to see a counselor a couple times if it's in your thoughts all of the time. Goof luck.

kiermart

You mentioned, "divorce is so prevalent in my life that its starting to take over"

The reality is that has not happened to you, don't allow other peoples situations to become your situation. Everyones situation is different! Yawls marriage will be what you want it to be, if you guys want it to last  and really put your best foot forward no matter what, it will last. I mean no disrespect in anyway.

janined22

To me it all depends on the type of relationship and commitment to it that you both have. There are many in my family that are married and have stayed married to the same person all their lives but they have had the type of relationship that I would have skipped out of years ago.  So just because people stay married doesn't mean they are happy and that is why I say it all depends on the type of relationship each couple has.  If you are both committed and are both in agreement with the major issues as a pp mentioned like money, children, etc. and are both working towards making it work then I don't foresee a problem.  I suggest taking it day by day and appreciating how different your relationship is from everyone else's.