Breathing Fire

jjbmstinco

TMI alert...

First I will say that I do love my husband.  We hardly fight, but when he messes up, it makes it big.

So last night I was upstairs watching TV as usual.  He goes downstairs to play games as usual.  I go down to ask if he wants some ice cream.  He should of heard me coming, besides the point here. Then I walk in to him pleasuring himself!!! Now mind you I don't have anything against self indulgence but when I am sitting upstairs...he could at least come and asked me to go to bed with him. This has happened once or twice before.  Not me walking in on him per se, but seeing something on his computer before we were married.  I think what gets me so mad is that I am the one that complains we don't have sex often enough. I have always attributed it to his age and his anti-depressants.  Now I am wondering if I am just a fool.  

Instead of racing up to try to talk to me, he just stayed down there.  I told him he should come up.  Then when he did, he said he was embarrassed.  I told him that I didn't care about his feelings.  (not my best judgement call, but I was so hurt, I didn't care.) Then I just yelled about how we don't have sex enough and how did even come and ask me. He didn't really say anything. What I want to say is not the best idea either. (move out, and something about him being ashamed to call himself a man) We didn't speak last night because I knew I would say things that were not good.  Then he kissed me on the forehead when he left for work this morning.  He just got home, said hi, and now is sitting on the couch.  We aren't talking at all.  I am still so mad and hurt by the whole thing! Even the sight of him is getting my blood boiling.

Thanks for reading.  I can't really tell IRL people about this because well...that would be awkward. 

ImperiumWife

I'm sorry. You really need to talk to him calmly again and tell him how you feel and how it hurts you.

jjbmstinco

Thanks A! For at least responding.  I saw that 11 people had seen the message, but no one responded. I started getting worried that it was an over share on my part.  Thankfully we talked last night.  He personally has a long way to go to get it figured out, but I told him I would support him.

penguin112

I read it. It was a lot of TMI. I had no idea how to respond. I hope you were able to talk things out though.

jtmh2012

Sorry.  I didn't think it was TMI, I just didn't have any useful advice.

ImperiumWife

I didn't feel like I had any useful advice either, but I wanted to respond.

I personally don't have a problem with this, because of his crazy work hours and our schedules, even if we want to have sex, we usually can't because the other isn't in tune. I don't feel like we get to have sex enough, but then again, I could have sex almost everyday. He's never been quite like that. But I was kind of afraid that if I shared, it would sound like I was saying get over it.

I do get where you are coming from.

shellyamf

I just now saw this. I get where you are coming from. Not TMI for me but I went through this sort of with P before we were married. It made me feel very insecure and not desirable when he would choose masturbation over me. He could at least ask if I wanted sex, right? We had to have several long talks about it because I would get very emotional. We still have the issue that P doesn't initiate sex very often and when he does it's like " hey you want to". But talking things through and explaining how I felt really helped him understand why it hurt me that he didn't at least ask if I was interested. Hugs! I hope you get everything worked out.

jjbmstinco

Thanks Alyssa and Michelle. It makes me feel better that this is a normal problem in relationships other than my own.  We talked a lot last night and it comes down to him feeling inadequate with himself. He feels unattractive and awkward initiating sex.  He says that instead of dealing with those feelings, he did that.  I could see how that would hurt ones drive.  He is a good husband, but he needs to work on communicating those feelings to me.  He has a plan to work out, work on communication, and do some things to reduce anxiety.

Megan- if it was TMI, you didn't have to read it.  I did post it before anyone read any further that it was TMI.  I am sorry that you felt that way. I thought I would find support in a real martial matter that I am dealing with from some friends.  

penguin112

@jjbmstinco I think my response came off in a way I didn't intend it to and I apologize for that. I wasn't offended, I just wasn't sure what to say. I'm glad you were able to talk about it with him. Sorry again.

ImperiumWife

J is definitely awkward in initiating. We actually just started talking about this yesterday, for a completely unrelated reason. I told him he is allowed to initiate anytime. He said he feels bad about asking, because he thinks I might not be in the mood.  So he is definitely not alone in that.

TaraW1979

I'm late on this...but I am glad you were able to talk about things and he is going to work on it! Oh and by the way, DH has always done this. You are not alone.  

one2andnow3

That sucks. I am not sure how I would feel of in your shoes. Thinking of you.