Verbal Abuse?

shilohrsp

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided that I don't really want to leave my personal information up on a public forum so I'm going to go ahead and delete it. 

erollis

Do not buy a house together. Do not have children together.

Go to counseling with or without him. If he says he won't fix himself then nothing will get better. He won't change unless he really wants to. You can never force someone to change.

It may be beneficial to you to go alone to counseling. Why are you still with a man you makes you feel so bad?

Sillygirl45

erollis said:

Do not buy a house together. Do not have children together. Go to counseling with or without him. If he says he won't fix himself then nothing will get better. He won't change unless he really wants to. You can never force someone to change. It may be beneficial to you to go alone to counseling. Why are you still with a man you makes you feel so bad?

All of this. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't interested on your opinion and makes you feel bad? It doesn't matter how great he can be sometimes, what matters is how you feel day to day. Sure it's normal to have disagreements but it's not normal for your H to have to work on not being a dick.

He sounds very controlling and and at best extremely self centered, more likely abusive. How long have you been together? It sounds to me you're finally realizing it's him, not you.

Honestly, I would probably run screaming from this situation. There are no grand prizes for putting up with an unreasonable amount of bullshit. 

Definitely do not have kids with this man. 

magsugar13

If your daughter,sister,mother or bff told you this story what would you tell to do?

Leftie22

Umm...do you want him to call your kids useless and make hurtful jokes about them, even though he knows it's hurtful? Do you want your kids to see you getting called a bitch?? Seriously, how can you even ask if this is okay? Having kids is tough, even in a good relationship. Kids in a relationship with huge highs and lows is a recipe for disaster. And if he really was working on things, he would approach counselling with maturity and openness, not a childish "fine, whatever you want" attitude. There are too many years left in your life to spend them with someone who talks to you like that. Is that what you had hoped and dreamed of for yourself? No. So break ties before you have any more entanglements, and stop putting up with someone who talks to you like you're dirt.

buttercup1958

run! my last ex was like this, we weren't married though. i'm so much happier with my life in general and my new boyfriend. you shouldn't sell yourself so short

shilohrsp

We have been married for two years. We got engaged after 10 months and married another 10 months later... I was young (21). He was 26 at the time we got married.

I know looking back on it that it was a mistake. I was so young. I've had a history of bad relationships... Might have something to do with the fact that my parents had a terrible relationship and an even worse divorce... I have no idea. But yes I know I do need to go to counseling.

I come from a conservative Christian circle. There is so much stigma around divorce. Everyone thinks we are a perfect couple; no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. 

Tonight, I brought up counseling again. He said he's never going to change. Again, he said I need to learn to take a joke and stop being so sensitive. It's so hard to leave and I feel so embarrassed.

R.Wilsonny

Don't feel embarrassed. Leave now and do not have children with this man or buy a house with him. Run. Don't walk. What he is doing is abusive and just because it's not physical now doesn't mean it won't turn physical later because this is how it starts. Plenty of men out there that won't treat a lady like this.

shilohrsp

He actually told me that if we go to counseling it would ruin his career. He said he has to be quick witted at work and able to act impulsively and without taking too much time to think. If we go to counseling, he said they are going to teach him how to think before he acts and he can't have that at work because he has to react to situations right away.

Leftie22

shilohrsp said:

He actually told me that if we go to counseling it would ruin his career. He said he has to be quick witted at work and able to act impulsively and without taking too much time to think. If we go to counseling, he said they are going to teach him how to think before he acts and he can't have that at work because he has to react to situations right away.

That is completely ridiculous!! He can't separate the skills he uses at work and communication skills he uses in his relationship? You do see that this is just a laughable excuse, right? And even if it were true, does that mean that he'd rather hurt you than hurt his career? Those are some screwed up priorities! He sounds very controlling and like he has you second-guessing yourself instead of second-guessing him. I'm sure no true Christian would want you to be called names and controlled by your husband, or to have you married to someone who has no interest in trying to make the relationship better. I'm really sorry you're going through this. The people who love you wouldn't want you to put up with this. I hope you can find help soon.

TarponMonoxide

I come from a conservative Christian circle. There is so much stigma around divorce. Everyone thinks we are a perfect couple; no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

In Biblical times there were divorces. Forget what those people think; this sounds like a judgmental bunch anyway.

You need this guy like you need a broken arm.

File and be done with it; you deserve a lot better than this -- and get counseling for yourself. GL

Sillygirl45

He actually told me that if we go to counseling it would ruin his career. He said he has to be quick witted at work and able to act impulsively and without taking too much time to think. If we go to counseling, he said they are going to teach him how to think before he acts and he can't have that at work because he has to react to situations right away.

This is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure he's not at work shouting that people are useless bitches. He knows he's wrong, he's controlling, and he's afraid if you two go to counseling that's exactly what you're both going to be told. He's afraid of someone other than you knowing the real him.

Isn't there anyone you can confide in? Just because everyone's marriage around you looks sweet and rosy means nothing. If your circle is that judgmental, I would look into some new friends. People may also surprise you. Please don't let what others think keep you from having a happy life. 

You don't want your future children to have to deal with someone who is mean and unapologetic. Having a father like him will do damage for the rest of their lives. Sons will grow up to treat their wives this way and daughters will grow up to think they aren't worthy of being treated any better than this. He's telling you the truth. He's not going to change. Don't ignore it when someone tells you exactly what they plan to do.

Good luck

MariaBend25

My husband and I joke around and call each other names, but we know when we are goofing off. If someone goes too far or pokes too much fun then we speak up and stop because we respect each other's feelings. What you are describing doesn't sound like goofing off and joking, and if telling your husband that he is making you feel bad results in him telling you to "take a joke" then he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. He is right about one thing: he won't ever change. It is hard to change who a person is, and even harder to change someone unwilling to change. Take that as a cue that things will not improve, he will not suddenly start respecting you, and he will not invest in his marriage. Perhaps he thinks you are trapped with him because of your religious family's views on divorce, and that has only worsened his actions and verbal abuse. See a counselor to straighten out your own thoughts. If you can attend marriage counseling with him perhaps there is a small chance of him opening his eyes to reality, don't hold your breath though. But overall get the help you need for the confidence to leave. Sometimes (or almost always) your gut instict is correct.

R.Wilsonny

shilohrsp said:

He actually told me that if we go to counseling it would ruin his career. He said he has to be quick witted at work and able to act impulsively and without taking too much time to think. If we go to counseling, he said they are going to teach him how to think before he acts and he can't have that at work because he has to react to situations right away.

THIS is seriously the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. Please tell me that you are not this naive that you actually believe this?

Again, this is how it starts - and making excuses for why he can't do xyz to change the behavior - you deserve better than this.

TarponMonoxide

I know looking back on it that it was a mistake. I was so young. I've had a history of bad relationships... Might have something to do with the fact that my parents had a terrible relationship and an even worse divorce... I have no idea. But yes I know I do need to go to counseling.

Bad relationships?? You got married at 21. What "relationships" = serious boyfriends -- could you have had?

Get rid of this guy pronto.

Embarrassment nothin' --- better embarrassed than have trauma and possibly physical injury from him --- run like hell before the abuse gets physical -- and methinks these conservative "Christians" are FOS. Judge NOT, etcetera.  Haven't they ever heard of that one???

Find another denomination --- I am guessing you probably go to a congregation versus a denomination --- something more broad minded and welcoming.

PrincessVegan

Doesn't like you spending time with your friends?

Calls you names?

Is violent?

Get out.

GilliC

He sounds a lot like my XH, but at least my XH was confident enough to simply say that he refused to go to counseling flat out instead of making excuses.

We stuck together for a very long time, because the good times were so good, I loved his family, and everyone loved him and talked about how funny/nice/attractive/smart/etc he is. And on top of all of that, I didn't want to be divorced! What would people say?! I would be a failure!

We stayed together for eight years, so we had some major successes and had actually learned to communicate pretty well. However, for every niggling thing I fixed because it annoyed him, something else would grow and take its place. He was always criticizing me for little things (talking too loud on the subway, talking too much about work, squinting too much when I read...).

Eventually one day I thought about how hard I was working on keeping our marriage going. (After all, marriage is hard work, right?) I thought about the fact that I was still pretty young (early 30s) and how I probably had at least 30-40 more years. Did I really want to spend 30 years working just as hard and feeling the same way? That's a lot of time to be unhappy, and no one was going to give me a medal at the end if we survived, and even if they did, would it really be worth it?

So we got divorced. My mother freaked out (and honestly that was the hardest part about it), but we are both soooo much happier now. We got married, and it was a mistake. We all make mistakes, and there's no shame in admitting it. God won't love you more because you're playing the martyr in an unhappy marriage. Imagine how much happier you could be!

Joy2611

Wow.  I can tell you that my husband has never once called me useless, bitch, or anything else like that.  He's also never ever thrown anything at me.  Ever.  We've been together for close to 13 years.

Please go to counseling on your own.  Don't stay in an unhappy marriage or unhappy life because of a stigma.  To be be bold, you are going to need support and hopefully counseling will enable you to see the path that all of us are seeing. 

You're young!  You have so much more life to live!  Please don't waste it on a guy who doesn't appreciate, respect, support, or have any desire to better himself because of you.  That isn't what a life partner is.

EastCoastBride

He's not a good guy.  He's not.  Truly GOOD people aren't good sometimes and then total asses the other.  Much less CONTROLLING, abusive asses.

 

He's an abuser.  Don't live the rest of your life like this. Please don't.  Don't worry about what other people think about you or your relationship.  Worry about YOU.

 

You have kids w/ him?  This behavior will transfer to them too.  DO you really want a father for your kids who ABUSE them? 

 

Please - take care of yourself here.  Not him, not public perception.  YOU.

EastCoastBride

Oh, and I HATE the "you're too sensitive/lighten up" attitude.  He's NOT RESPECTING you but he turns it around on you.  Nice. 

shilohrsp

Okay so... Last night, I brought up the counseling thing one last time, which is when he made that BS excuse about work. I was really, really frustrated and told him I wanted to go stay with my mom for the night bc I just needed someone to talk to. That may or may not have been a good idea, whatever.

Then, he got his stuff and said "it's not working out. I'm sorry. It's over." And left. Came back later to get some more stuff and told me to get the divorce papers.

Later he came back crying and saying how much he wants to work things out. He said he really wants to change and will go to counseling. He said he didn't realize how much he has been hurting me and is sorry. Then he said I need to tell him right now if I want a divorce or to work it out. I told him I don't know.

So, in your opinion, do I believe the whole "I'm sorry and I want to change" thing? Is counseling worth a try? I was ready to call it quits and now I'm just confused.

TarponMonoxide

shilohrsp said:

Okay so... Last night, I brought up the counseling thing one last time, which is when he made that BS excuse about work. I was really, really frustrated and told him I wanted to go stay with my mom for the night bc I just needed someone to talk to. That may or may not have been a good idea, whatever. Then, he got his stuff and said "it's not working out. I'm sorry. It's over." And left. Came back later to get some more stuff and told me to get the divorce papers. Later he came back crying and saying how much he wants to work things out. He said he really wants to change and will go to counseling. He said he didn't realize how much he has been hurting me and is sorry. Then he said I need to tell him right now if I want a divorce or to work it out. I told him I don't know. So, in your opinion, do I believe the whole "I'm sorry and I want to change" thing? Is counseling worth a try? I was ready to call it quits and now I'm just confused.

He's as whacky...and as manipulative and mean and passive aggressive as it gets.

Don't stand for one more minute of this kind of garbage. File and don't look back. And let it be known ---- after you file -- that if he has any type of communication to bounce it off your attorney.

NavyBlue143

He is panicking because he may lose you and the control he has over you. Sure, go to counseling if you think he means it. But move out. Show him you are strong enough to leave when the situation gets unacceptable. How he responds will be very telling. If he agrees to go, knowing you may not come back, that's a point in his favor. But if he writes you off the moment you walk out the door, blames you for "abandoning him and your relationship" on why it didn't work out, that means he only said he wanted to go to get you to stay. And don't go back the second things improve. Make sure he means it. Make sure he genuinely wants to change.

My dearest friend in the world married a man who is verbally abusive and quick tempered. She suggested counseling but he always came up with excuses. A few weeks ago he hit her. She left. For two days. He begged and pleaded, promised to get anger management. She came home. He told her he didn't intend to change and that she was the problem. I've met the guy. I liked him before all this. In public he is very nice. But my friend is a shell of her former self, and I can see that. But she won't leave. She won't stand up for herself. She has a husband, a nice house, and social approval. But she is miserable. Please don't be like my friend. Please.

Also, as a very sensitive woman, who is married to a man who likes to poke fun, I will say there have been times he has hurt my feelings. But there hasn't yet been a time he hasn't apologized for it. Because he knows that though I can be sensitive, I can take a joke, and can give as good as I get, so if my feelings were hurt, even accidentally, he recognizes what he said as hurtful and apologizes. There are people who are too damn sensitive, yes. But you don't seem like one of those people, and your husband is supposed to protect your heart, not hurt it.

R.Wilsonny

TarponMonoxide said:

shilohrsp said:

Okay so... Last night, I brought up the counseling thing one last time, which is when he made that BS excuse about work. I was really, really frustrated and told him I wanted to go stay with my mom for the night bc I just needed someone to talk to. That may or may not have been a good idea, whatever. Then, he got his stuff and said "it's not working out. I'm sorry. It's over." And left. Came back later to get some more stuff and told me to get the divorce papers. Later he came back crying and saying how much he wants to work things out. He said he really wants to change and will go to counseling. He said he didn't realize how much he has been hurting me and is sorry. Then he said I need to tell him right now if I want a divorce or to work it out. I told him I don't know. So, in your opinion, do I believe the whole "I'm sorry and I want to change" thing? Is counseling worth a try? I was ready to call it quits and now I'm just confused.

He's as whacky...and as manipulative and mean and passive aggressive as it gets.

Don't stand for one more minute of this kind of garbage. File and don't look back. And let it be known ---- after you file -- that if he has any type of communication to bounce it off your attorney.

All of this. He is full of shit and is pulling this as a way to manipulate you into thinking that he actually wants to change and work things out. First it starts with go, and I want a divorce, and then 'no no, please, I'm begging you to work it out, I'll change.' He is lying and manipulating you. Do not fall for this. You can do better. You're worth more than this.

This so reminds me of my first 'serious' boyfriend. Thank god I did not marry him because he was an abusive asshole too. First it started with isolating me from family and friends, and went downhill from there - from verbal abuse to eventually turning into physical abuse. And no one knew a thing. Not my family, friends, not even my coworkers. I hid it well. Oh, I was naive just like you are OP, and I fell for it every time he would treat me like shit and then apologize and beg me to stay. What it finally took for me to leave him was getting the crap beat out of me so bad that my face looked like it was pounded in a meat locker. 20 years later and I still have a scar in my left eyebrow from where he punched me in the face. When I broke it off, he stalked me and would do things like show up at my parent's house or my job or at whatever club I would be at with friends and beg me to take him back with flowers and the promise of change.

Seriously. Get out now before it turns physical with this creep because I guarantee you that it will. Forget what everyone else in your circle thinks about divorce. If they care about you staying in a shit abusive marriage more than they care about your safety and well being, then these people are not your friends.

Leftie22

He is playing you! Refusing to go to counselling didn't work, so he tried leaving. That didn't work, so he pulled a divorce threat. That didn't work, so now he's begging and crying. And giving YOU ultimatums about deciding right now what you want. How can he demand that you decide instantly about working on the marriage, when HE was the one who refused counselling? I'm sorry, but this man is manipulating you. Go stay with your mom, take some time away from him and get help.

EastCoastBride

Oh honey.  He's not going to change.  Even if he goes to a couple sessions, he'll either put on a show for the therapist AND/OR he'll ignore her advice AND/OR he'll pick it apart and tell you why it's a load of crap.

He's playing you.  If he never took you seriously before, he isn't suddenly going to take you seriously now.  Sorry. 

MariaBend25

He is definitely manipulating you and playing a great charade to maintain the control he wants over you. I would bet money that if you accept him back in a week he will be worse than before.

Disneygeek77

In what you have written, he has already displayed several red flags of someone with an abusive personality.  I bet there are even more.  I am linking an article of the signs of someone with an abusive personality for you.  Please promise to read it and pay special attention tothe  Jekyll and Hyde section.

http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

Please know, he is not a good man.  Good men don't behave like this, bad men do.  He is  bad down to his core being and I'm sorry but that won't change with counseling.  It simply doesn't work like that.  Counselors can help with communication issues but they can't change a person's character.  He will never change.  

I too am a Christian and my best friend ( also a Christian ) got out of a marriage with a man that was also verbally abusive to her.  In fact, your husband is worse.  Anyways, she changed churches, found acceptance, got remarried and is now happier than she has been in decades and I know God is still blessing her.  

Sillygirl45

He told you he's not going to change. He meant it the first time. Don't listen to his lies now. This will only get worse. 

Look at all the responses you've gotten here. These are all different women, from different circumstances, different religions, and different points of view yet we are all saying the same thing. Please, please, please, take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of your life. It's too short to be this unhappy with the person who is supposed to love you the most.

GilliC

shilohrsp said:

So, in your opinion, do I believe the whole "I'm sorry and I want to change" thing? Is counseling worth a try? I was ready to call it quits and now I'm just confused.

If you were ready to call it quits, then you should call it quits.

The only reason I offered my XH the counseling option was because I needed to be at peace with myself. I wanted to give our marriage the best chance I could, and if it didn't work, then I felt I could leave with no regrets.

If you were already in a mental place where you could leave, I suggest you do it. Even if he does change and fix some of your issues, there are more underlying differences, and those problems can't be solved. They will simply resurface with a different face. If two people are not a match, it will never be a completely happy marriage.

TarponMonoxide

This is a "fool me once" scenario.

And you know what "fool me twice" is.  You need to get out of there now or he will keep on calling your bluff and it will get worse and worse.

There is no way back on this. Ordinarily I'd have said "sit down with him and tell him to go to counseling and tell him that enthusiastic attendance is mandatory for the survival of his marriage" but not in a case like yours.

Go before you indeed wind up pregnant in the mix. THen you really WILL be stuck with him...for 18 more years, even if you do divorce him -- stuck with him until the kiddo reaches majority. Who needs or wants anybody like him, let alone permit him the honor of becoming a father???