If your husband/wife cheated and you stayed with them, I have some questions for you.

iamelphaba

1.)  How's that working for you?

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

TarponMonoxide

The choice is ultimately yours.

Anybody knows trust is notoriously hard to replace. And it may not even be rectified at all.

You may always wonder what's he hiding or if there's still somebody in the wings.

See a counselor, on your own, and if you are religious, see your clergyperson, for counseling.

Also get tested; you never know what happened or who he has been intimate with.

To me, once a cheater always one; he will promise you everything and the moon that "it won't happen again" but usually it does.  I say show a cheater the door and file and be done with it, particularly if there are kids.

You do not wish to bring your youngsters up in a home where it is clear Daddy isn't faithful to Mommy; the littlest of children can pick up on it when something is wrong at home.

You don't want to have a scuzz for a father and husband and you don't want the kids to have a dad that treats his wife like a doormat.  YOu do not want them to emulate him or wind up being a doormat themselves.

Disneygeek77

I haven't been in your position, but the only advice I can give is to make an appt with your Dr tomorrow and get tested.  Please do this.  

TarponMonoxide

Disneygeek77 said:

I haven't been in your position, but the only advice I can give is to make an appt with your Dr tomorrow and get tested.  Please do this.  

In addition to this, see a counselor on your own, immediately --- the sooner you nip the anger and the resentment in the bud, the better off you will be.

This is NOT your fault.

Do not blame it on "not" being sexier, not being there for him enough, not being good enough in bed or this or that -- only a cheater can say why he did what he did and with who.

Dreamergirl8812

Edited: Fuck surviving infidelity.

ReturnOfKuus

I've heard mixed reviews on survivinginfidelity.  Don't be alarmed if you find that it's not for you.

YouAreMy1stWish

1.)  How's that working for you?

I'm about 2 years past the original incident (there was a follow-up bump in the road about a year later when I uncovered some e-mails that showed he had lied when he was originally caught) and things are going well for us. We're actually better than we were in the months leading up to me discovering his "hobby" (reaching out to men on CL ads, possibly meeting up with them, he still denies ever meeting anyone, I still have my doubts. It's a long complicated story.)

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

Therapy. Lots of it. Both couples and individual, over a year of it . I also have never told a single person we know about it. I think that makes it easier for me to move on -- knowing my friends and family aren't judging him or me. 

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again -- but that's not a make or break thing for me. He is very open with his phone, ipad, email, etc. I don't check it everyday, and sometimes I go months inbetween, but whenever I want to look through it he hands it over, no questions asked. Therapy proved to me that he was serious about getting help. He also went to a sex addiction support group for about 6 months and he said that helped him a lot. 

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

Don't feel like agreeeing to work it out is a permanent decision. You can walk away at any time. Giving it some time to see what you want to do it fine. I told my H from day 1 that just because I was agreeing to work things out doesn't mean it's going to work out. And we are still a work in progress. 

I have to say, it we didn't have 3 kids together I probably would have left right away, but I'm glad I stayed. In the begining, it was probably a selfish move on my part to stay. Leaving would have meant shared custody of our kids. I would rather be in an "ok" marriage for the next 15 years and move on when they are in college than to miss out on huge chunks of their childhood in a shared custody agreement. As long as we aren't fighting and disrespecting eachother I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with my way of thinking.

We learned a lot about eachother in therapy and it really made a huge difference in our marriage. I don't make plans to leave anymore    

josscal

Sillygirl45 said:

YouAreMy1stWish said:

1.)  How's that working for you?

I'm about 2 years past the original incident (there was a follow-up bump in the road about a year later when I uncovered some e-mails that showed he had lied when he was originally caught) and things are going well for us. We're actually better than we were in the months leading up to me discovering his "hobby" (reaching out to men on CL ads, possibly meeting up with them, he still denies ever meeting anyone, I still have my doubts. It's a long complicated story.)

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

Therapy. Lots of it. Both couples and individual, over a year of it . I also have never told a single person we know about it. I think that makes it easier for me to move on -- knowing my friends and family aren't judging him or me. 

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again -- but that's not a make or break thing for me. He is very open with his phone, ipad, email, etc. I don't check it everyday, and sometimes I go months inbetween, but whenever I want to look through it he hands it over, no questions asked. Therapy proved to me that he was serious about getting help. He also went to a sex addiction support group for about 6 months and he said that helped him a lot. 

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

Don't feel like agreeeing to work it out is a permanent decision. You can walk away at any time. Giving it some time to see what you want to do it fine. I told my H from day 1 that just because I was agreeing to work things out doesn't mean it's going to work out. And we are still a work in progress. 

I have to say, it we didn't have 3 kids together I probably would have left right away, but I'm glad I stayed. In the begining, it was probably a selfish move on my part to stay. Leaving would have meant shared custody of our kids. I would rather be in an "ok" marriage for the next 15 years and move on when they are in college than to miss out on huge chunks of their childhood in a shared custody agreement. As long as we aren't fighting and disrespecting eachother I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with my way of thinking.

We learned a lot about eachother in therapy and it really made a huge difference in our marriage. I don't make plans to leave anymore    

I am very sorry you married a gay man who can't live his full life. This is probably the saddest story I have ever read. You simply cannot pray the gay away. I am so sorry for you and your H. 

I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but that is rude and provides nothing to this topic.

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this, virtual hugs coming your way. I would try talking with a therapist to start and see how you're feeling after a couple visits.

Sillygirl45

josscal said:

YouAreMy1stWish said:

1.)  How's that working for you?

I'm about 2 years past the original incident (there was a follow-up bump in the road about a year later when I uncovered some e-mails that showed he had lied when he was originally caught) and things are going well for us. We're actually better than we were in the months leading up to me discovering his "hobby" (reaching out to men on CL ads, possibly meeting up with them, he still denies ever meeting anyone, I still have my doubts. It's a long complicated story.)

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

Therapy. Lots of it. Both couples and individual, over a year of it . I also have never told a single person we know about it. I think that makes it easier for me to move on -- knowing my friends and family aren't judging him or me. 

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again -- but that's not a make or break thing for me. He is very open with his phone, ipad, email, etc. I don't check it everyday, and sometimes I go months inbetween, but whenever I want to look through it he hands it over, no questions asked. Therapy proved to me that he was serious about getting help. He also went to a sex addiction support group for about 6 months and he said that helped him a lot. 

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

Don't feel like agreeeing to work it out is a permanent decision. You can walk away at any time. Giving it some time to see what you want to do it fine. I told my H from day 1 that just because I was agreeing to work things out doesn't mean it's going to work out. And we are still a work in progress. 

I have to say, it we didn't have 3 kids together I probably would have left right away, but I'm glad I stayed. In the begining, it was probably a selfish move on my part to stay. Leaving would have meant shared custody of our kids. I would rather be in an "ok" marriage for the next 15 years and move on when they are in college than to miss out on huge chunks of their childhood in a shared custody agreement. As long as we aren't fighting and disrespecting eachother I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with my way of thinking.

We learned a lot about eachother in therapy and it really made a huge difference in our marriage. I don't make plans to leave anymore    

I am very sorry you married a gay man who can't live his full life. This is probably the saddest story I have ever read. You simply cannot pray the gay away. I am so sorry for you and your H. 

I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but that is rude and provides nothing to this topic. OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this, virtual hugs coming your way. I would try talking with a therapist to start and see how you're feeling after a couple visits.

I was not being sarcastic at all. This is a horribly sad story that in this day and age someone would stay married and hide who they really are. A man wanting to have sex with a man is not a sex addiction. 

This person planning to stay in a less than desirable marriage for the next 15 years and then move on, is incredibly sad. 

As far as being helpful, it may help for her to realize this issue isn't going away. 15 years is a long time to deny who you really are. 

Sillygirl45

Sillygirl45 said:

josscal said:

YouAreMy1stWish said:

1.)  How's that working for you?

I'm about 2 years past the original incident (there was a follow-up bump in the road about a year later when I uncovered some e-mails that showed he had lied when he was originally caught) and things are going well for us. We're actually better than we were in the months leading up to me discovering his "hobby" (reaching out to men on CL ads, possibly meeting up with them, he still denies ever meeting anyone, I still have my doubts. It's a long complicated story.)

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

Therapy. Lots of it. Both couples and individual, over a year of it . I also have never told a single person we know about it. I think that makes it easier for me to move on -- knowing my friends and family aren't judging him or me. 

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again -- but that's not a make or break thing for me. He is very open with his phone, ipad, email, etc. I don't check it everyday, and sometimes I go months inbetween, but whenever I want to look through it he hands it over, no questions asked. Therapy proved to me that he was serious about getting help. He also went to a sex addiction support group for about 6 months and he said that helped him a lot. 

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

Don't feel like agreeeing to work it out is a permanent decision. You can walk away at any time. Giving it some time to see what you want to do it fine. I told my H from day 1 that just because I was agreeing to work things out doesn't mean it's going to work out. And we are still a work in progress. 

I have to say, it we didn't have 3 kids together I probably would have left right away, but I'm glad I stayed. In the begining, it was probably a selfish move on my part to stay. Leaving would have meant shared custody of our kids. I would rather be in an "ok" marriage for the next 15 years and move on when they are in college than to miss out on huge chunks of their childhood in a shared custody agreement. As long as we aren't fighting and disrespecting eachother I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with my way of thinking.

We learned a lot about eachother in therapy and it really made a huge difference in our marriage. I don't make plans to leave anymore    

I am very sorry you married a gay man who can't live his full life. This is probably the saddest story I have ever read. You simply cannot pray the gay away. I am so sorry for you and your H. 

I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but that is rude and provides nothing to this topic. OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this, virtual hugs coming your way. I would try talking with a therapist to start and see how you're feeling after a couple visits.

I was not being sarcastic at all. This is a horribly sad story that in this day and age someone would stay married and hide who they really are. A man wanting to have sex with a man is not a sex addiction. 

This person planning to stay in a less than desirable marriage for the next 15 years and then move on, is incredibly sad. 

As far as being helpful, it may help for her to realize this issue isn't going away. 15 years is a long time to deny who you really are. 

And as far as marking my comment as abuse, I don't think if meets criteria. But, good luck gals!

catsareniice1

I could not under any circumstance tolerate a man who cheated on me.

It is never a mistake. Clothes do not just fall off.

beezybaby

It was rough (ok, really ridiculously hard) for a while.  What he did was so out of character that I had to believe it was a big huge mistake, and not let it define him or our marriage.  For a while, I told myself I had forgiven him, that it was going to be ok, but I would bring it into almost every argument big or small.  That kept the anger and resentment alive, and kept us from getting back to normal.  Sometimes I wished I had just left him so I wouldn't have to deal with it, and could start over with someone new. Eventually it was me that had to put in the real work of forgiveness.  This isn't to say he just sat back and let it roll, no he worked!  We went to therapy, he cut every little vice out of his life, and for a while, checked in with me like a 16 year old who just got their licence! We had a 100% transparency rule.  He never even once rolled his eyes or got frustrated when I brought it up.  Now, 3 years later, I can say that I 99.1% trust him.  There is always going to be that little bit of me that runs through his emails once every 6 months, or cries over the loss of innocence in our marriage. It was really hard to get back to a healthy sex life, that has only recently been accomplished because I hadn't really recognized that his infidelity was what was holding me back.  But like I said, it doesn't define us.  

Advice?  Re-evaluate everything.  Like start the process over of deciding if this is the man for you, infidelity included.  Be honest with yourself about what you need, and if he is able to give you that.  Does the good outweigh the bad?  What is your gut feeling?  And don't be afraid to change your mind. If you take him back, and it doesn't feel right 3 weeks, 6 months, 2 years down the road, you can change your mind.  Be honest about the state of your marriage leading up to the infidelity. Cheating is NEVER the victim's fault, but a little introspection can go a long way in a marriage. AND only talk about it with people who love you enough to be honest with you.  We all have those girl friends who man bash, and we all have those girlfriends that just tell you what you want to hear.  Talk to someone who knows you, respects you, and loves you.  Don't talk to tons of people about it.  If you do choose to stay with him, everybody knowing about it will make it harder for the two of you to find normalcy. 

I know this is fragmented. PM if you feel like talking more.

K'lyn

1.)  How's that working for you?

We're both completely different people than we were before he cheated.  It took moving away from bad influences which also involved moving away from family and friends.  This also brought more opportunities for growth for both of us though.  Just because we left doesn't mean his behavior was magically better.  Different place, same situation.  It wasn't until I packed everything and walked out the door that he changed and even now it's a learning process and great effort of working with each other and communicating.  DH knows I won't tolerate ANYTHING but complete honestly.

2.)  How did YOU move past it?

Lots and lots and lots of time to find myself again.  I still have moments of sadness because I know I will never trust him blindly again.  Because of everything that happened I also lost a lot of myself and resented him because of it.  It took a couple YEARS before I started to trust him again.  We literally dated again like we just met.

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?

Anything and everything he could.  I have the password to every single account he has online, including his business accounts.  I also have free access to all of his email and text messages.  If I have questions about anything he answers it honestly.   If I'm uncomfortable with something he shows that he not only acknowledges it but does something about it. 

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision? 

How bad was the cheating?  Are we talking they met one person and flirted a bit over text and e-mail or did they go on a weekend vacation/have a full blown all out affair?  While this isn't a definite deal breaker, it's hard to leave but I found it was EXTREMELY hard to stay for at least the first year.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin, it was hard to talk without wanting to scream, sex was next to impossible without thinking about who or what may or may not have happened with someone else.  It will never be the same way it was before but change is often good.  Hang in there, grit your teeth, have patience.  If both are willing to work to change for each other rather than in spite of each other it can be good.

magsugar13

I dumped his cheating ass.

 

I deserve someone i can trust. I deserve someone who is honest, loving, and trusting. I dont need to fix someone.

I did not move past it i moved on to a better life. One where i did not have to monitor him, check his emails, wonder about everything.

My advice is people need to know that this behavior doesnt happen by accident, it isnt your fault, and you deserve to be with a grown man who doesnt need babysitting.

Annplus1

ReturnOfKuus said:

I've heard mixed reviews on survivinginfidelity.  Don't be alarmed if you find that it's not for you.

The site personally saved my life. It's hard to take in at first, no question. But it's full of people who (unfortunately) knew exactly what I felt and what I was going through, and helped me, along with therapy, move on/forward with my life. OP, I'm sorry you have to consider the questions you asked. It's Hell. But I swear, it does get better.

catsareniice1

My ex husband cheated on me. He ended up wanting a divorce saying that we were like oil and vinegar. After talking a bit, he wanted to get back together. He said he was changing his mind.

I was unable to look past it and proceeded with the divorce. Never in a MILLION years did I think he would cheat on me. He was a great liar too until I found proof.

My ex husband remarried in July of 2014. I feel for his wife. IMO once a cheater always a cheater. His dad cheated on his mom too. They are heartless pigs!

I cannot even be friends with him on Facebook or see him. While I am "over him" I would not be able to stand the sight of him. We separated in 2005, divorced in January of 2007. What he did to me still turns my stomach.

Monniehas

1.)  How's that working for you?
It's hard!  We go through good months/years and then some unexpected make me question his actions.   I try to think positive thoughts but something in the back of head makes me want to look more into it.

2.)  How did YOU move past it?  We talked, screamed and fought about it to eventual I got over it (until something peak my interest the next time).

3.)  What did he/she do to help restore trust again?  Nothing.  He stopped going out but the problem wasn't him seeing people it was the constant communication via phone and texts in the middle of the night.  He stopped sleeping in the bed with me due to my snoring or our daughter wanting to sleep with me.

4.)  Any advice for someone making the decision?

You have to do what's best for you and your family.  I've stayed but I'm getting really tired of it.  I think of us being best friends not lovers and I think that's what made it easier for me to stay.  Plus, I have a 6 year old and I want her to grow up with both of us.  It's ironic that I saw this today because I just confronted him again about his constant communication with someone throughout the day and night.  I told him that he can see whomever he chooses.  I don't really care anymore.  I'm not rushing to get a divorce but continue to co-exist with him like we have for the past several years.

Good Luck!!!