Was I way off base, or justified?

LosCabosBride

I need some advice, as I am not sure that despite my best intentions I did the right thing.

The background: our friend owns a water sports company and got us hooked on kayaking. He offered to sell us amazing custom kayaks at cost, but we originally declined since even though he was saving us $1000 we didn't have the rest of the money. He was placing an order anyway and said he regularly carries thousands of dollars of unsold merchandise, so he was happy to get them for us and said we can pay when we had the money together. Fast forward nine months and we still owe him $800 dollars and I am mortified. I have told my husband we need to scrape the money together and pay our friend, but my husband argues that he told us to take as long as we needed and since our friend hasn't asked for the money, everything is fine.

The issue: I received an unexpected $500 Christmas bonus and decided I wanted to use that toward the kayaks. I knew if I told my husband, he would say that we needed to put the money in savings so I decided to hang onto the check while I figured out what to do. I finally decided last week that I was going to cash the check and give our friend the money, but my husband found the check last night when he was grabbing cash from my purse and is livid that I withheld it from him and we're in a huge fight. All of our funds are commingled, so his argument is that I should have deposited the check into our account so we could discuss what to do with it together. I told him that while I probably should have told him about the check, I still feel justified that I could have decided what to do with that bonus, especially since the right thing to do is to pay our debt.

I can see from his side how he would be mad at the concept of me hiding money, but since my intention was to pay for something that we owed I don't think I did the wrong thing. I make almost $20k a year more than he does and every cent goes into our joint account, so I think in this one instance I was justified but I am completely open to everyone's opinion and to the possibility that I handled this the wrong way. I appreciate your perspective.

TarponMonoxide

First off: Never hold on to a check. Cash it/deposit it asap after you receive it.

Its not a good idea to just hold onto it, plus your employer (or whoever it is who issued the check) needs it to mantain the checking account.

There was a guy I worked with who took weeks to cash his paychecks! We were a very small company and tried as they might, the owner never could get it through to John that it was not the thing to do.

You were not hiding it from your H per se. Tell him what you told us --- if he is still pissed off, he is the one who is out of line.

You and he need a better way of "our" moneying your incomes.  See a financial analyst or see the ladies on the Money Matters board. They're pretty sharp.

Disneygeek77

Can you at least give your friend some of the money.

It seems that your husband has no problem taking advantage of your friend's kindness and I promise this will probably be the last time he does something like this.  

Sillygirl45

If your finances are joint, you shouldn't be hiding it from him. BUT if you owe a friend $800, that $500 isn't "extra" money that should be going into savings. It should be going to your friend.

If I were that friend, I wouldn't be for long if I found out you were padding your savings when you owed me a good amount of money.

Your H seems to be taking advantage of his friend. This would really bother me...a lot. You should be able to reason with him. 

Tofumonkey

I can see both sides. My husband and I don't always agree on debt and savings - he wants to pump as much money onto paying off debt as possible whereas I prefer to pay off debt at a reasonable rate while pumping more into savings to maintain a comfortable cash flow.

I make 100% of the household income - but every financial decision is made as a team.

I'd tell your husband that you were wrong to keep the cheque from him and you are sorry for that. You see his point of view and can now understand where he is coming from. However, the two of you disagree on how to spend this money and you need him to understand how stressful carrying a debt from a friend is to you - how can you work toward paying this off as soon as possible and avoiding this situation again?

doeydo

Does no one else find it weird that OP's husband was 'grabbing cash' from her purse?

LosCabosBride

*I suppose I should have clarified - we had friends over and he was running to the store and asked if I had cash so it was a "I have a $20 in my wallet" kind of thing

LosCabosBride

Thank you for the perspective. I've been thinking about this all day and can certainly understand now why he's so mad - he's feeling like I didn't trust him enough to talk it out with me, so I went behind his back and now he doesn't trust ME. He did agree that we need to pay our friend, but I think it will be a while before he lets this go. Though my intentions were good, my methods were bad and now we shall pick up the pieces

EastCoastBride

But when you do talk to him, it sounds like you get shut down, your friend doesn't get paid, and your DH gets his way. Should you have told him? Sure. But I think ou all need to put a little more thought into why you felt you had to hide it! Your DH needs to take some responsibility here and he also needs I fricking pay his debts! He's taking HUGE advantage of your friend.

And if he makes this ALL about you and how he can't trust you, I'm questioning him even more. This isn't black and white.

short+sassy

IMO, you were a little in the wrong for not mentioning it right away, but he is much more in the wrong for making a huge deal over something that isn't.  It's not like you were "hiding the money" to buy drugs or take a clandestine trip to Vegas for an affair.  I read it that you were just trying to get your own thoughts straight on what to do with it before bringing it up with him.  The conversation should have been something like...him: "I'm hurt you didn't tell me about this check and discuss it with me,"...you: "You're right, I'm sorry, I was just trying to think of the best use for it,"...him: "I'm glad you understand, in the future, we both need to discuss extra money that comes into the household."  And the end of the discussion and bad feelings.

Leftie22

I would be really mad at my DH if we owed a friend or family member money and he wanted me to put extra money into savings. I think he's probably getting mad at you to cover up his guilt that he didn't make paying his friend a priority. And if you have to hide money from him, you need to have a talk about how you'll handle finances in the future, so you can come up with a plan you both agree to.

FemmeLavande

LosCabosBride said:

 The issue: I received an unexpected $500 Christmas bonus and decided I wanted to use that toward the kayaks. I knew if I told my husband, he would say that we needed to put the money in savings so I decided to hang onto the check while I figured out what to do. I finally decided last week that I was going to cash the check and give our friend the money, but my husband found the check last night when he was grabbing cash from my purse and is livid that I withheld it from him and we're in a huge fight. All of our funds are commingled, so his argument is that I should have deposited the check into our account so we could discuss what to do with it together. I told him that while I probably should have told him about the check, I still feel justified that I could have decided what to do with that bonus, especially since the right thing to do is to pay our debt.

 I can see from his side how he would be mad at the concept of me hiding money, but since my intention was to pay for something that we owed I don't think I did the wrong thing. I make almost $20k a year more than he does and every cent goes into our joint account, so I think in this one instance I was justified but I am completely open to everyone's opinion and to the possibility that I handled this the wrong way. I appreciate your perspective.

To be honest, I think he's justified in being frustrated IF your arrangement is that you put all your incomes in a joint account and then make financial decisions together - and from what you said, that seems to be exactly your arrangement. In this case, however, you didn't follow that arrangement. You mention things like "the right thing to do" and "my intention was to pay…" which suggests that you were more than willing to make a financial decision by yourself. Regardless of whether the decision was objectively "right" or "wrong" (and honestly I think that paying off your friend should be your #1 priority), the two of you agreed to make financial decisions together and you didn't respect that decision.

The other "red flag" was that you justified making a unilateral decision on the basis that you make almost 20k more than him. That's not fair at all. If you decided that you're putting all the money in "one pot", then you can't start saying that you get to decide how you spend the money in the pot because you contributed more to it or that you can leave some money out of the pot because you're already contributing more than your partner. 

The two of you could have another financial arrangement. For example, each of you putting a certain percentage of your incomes in a joint account and then keeping some "discretionary" money -- for the joint account, you consult on any expense over X dollars. 

moonprincessd

Keeping it secret was wrong, very wrong, and probably what he's really upset about. You should have at least told him, and then told him that you were going to pay your friend back. 

Also don't assume what your husband would do, that's wrong. How do you know he'd say just keep it in savings? Have a serious talk about it. At least give him the chance.

You owe a friend and you should pay them back. But you and your husband need to decide together that that is what you are going to do with the money. You're married. You have a joint account. You share the money. It's not his and it's not hers, it's both. BOTH need to agree.