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Craigslist ads...helppp
Ok I'm new here and am completely embarrassed, so please nobody be too harsh on me. Here's a brief background:
Me and my husband have been married for 5 years (we are in our late 20s) and we have a small child. Everything has been ok up until recently...gradually getting a little boring and mundane, but nothing awful. We had a fight because I wanted another child and he wouldn't even budge..he didn't want one. I had mentioned to him before that we need to work on things, because lately I've felt more like roommates than spouses, and because the fight about children really got to me. He refused talking to anybody. Time went on. We recently moved (military) and settled into a new apartment. With all the excitement, things got a little better, but didn't stay that way. He eventually said he wouldn't mind having another kid, but by that time, I was almost second guessing whether or not I wanted to bring another kid into our situation until we fixed things. We never talk, laugh, and barely do anything in the bedroom. Maybe once a month. My husband will travel a lot with this new job (i'm talking like 300 days a year) and was supposed to leave before the holidays. So my son and I went back home for the holidays, because we didn't want to be stuck in a new (Very snowy) place all by ourselves for Christmas. Everything was fine, and then my husband's trips got cancelled and he was home by himself for the holidays. We began to talk about things, I asked if he was happy because he never acts like it, BUT he says he is. I told him I wasn't very happy anymore and that I still want to talk to a counselor when we come home. We fought and then he said he doesn't know if he can get over that I said I wasn't happy....um ok.. Then a few days later, he said he would like to work on things. So we agreed to fly me back home after New Years, without my son, so we can work on things alone and see what would be best to do.
A few days after Christmas, my son tried to call his dad and I tried to text him. No response...VERY odd for him to not respond. It was 9 pm his time. I had a bad feeling, and logged onto the cell phone bill online to see if he was texting anybody else and was ignoring me for some reason. He wasn't, but after scrolling for a bit, I found incoming text messages from a "000" number, and upon googling it, found it was for Zoosk, the dating site. Then I scrolled some more and found back and forth text messages at all hours of the night between him and someone else. I texted the number, and it was a woman who said she met him on the Zoosk site, but that nothing had happened and she never even met him. She also said the messages were not inappropriate and were about football. I made a fake profile, and saw his profile, and of course took pics for proof, just in case.
I finally got a call back from him the next day and he said he went to bed early that night because he didn't feel well. (uh huh) And when I confronted him about the dating site, he lied and said it wasn't him. I finally got the truth out of him and he said he was embarrassed and only did it because he thought I wasn't coming home again....I never let him know I talked to the girl. I told him now that I've found that, I'm not coming home.
Now, a couple weeks later, we met up halfway for my son's birthday weekend. Things were very nice, he was so apologetic and we had so much fun with all 3 of us being together again. One morning, he left to go pick something up and left his phone in the room. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED..but I had to. In his outbound email box, it showed that the same night he didn't pick up his phone, he had sent numerous responses to Craigslist sex ads. It didn't look like anybody responded, but his emails were pretty derogatory. Now, I don't know if he really was in bed that night or not, but after finding that...one can assume the worst. He had to get back to work, so we said our goodbyes and he went back to our house and me and my son went back to my parents' house. We said we would talk about possibly going back home and working on things. He agreed to talk to a counselor.
Yesterday I confronted him about the Craigslist ads he responded to, because I wasn't going back home without knowing. At first he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. So I told him how I know, and he initially got mad..but then admitted it. I told him since he wants me to come home, lying again wasn't the best choice. He said he really didn't remember because it was almost a month ago since he's sent those. I asked if he'd actually go thru with something like that and he said no. (Yeah right)
So now I don't know what to do. Is this beyond repair? Would it be completely stupid of me to go back and talk to someone and hope for the best? I know spouses have done much worse than this, but I'm not really the most forgiving person. I don't know if he's lying about where he was that night or not...but I always assume the worst. I don't know if I can trust him again or what. Part of me wants to move back home and work on it and move past this. Part of me wants to move on, leave him, and be happy and focus on me and my son.
Please help if you've dealt with something like this before. Thank you!
Re: Craigslist ads...helppp
He is guilty of lying, neglect, playing you for the fool and infidelity.
A married guy who cruises dating sites and is into the sex ads on CL is not acting like a married man at all: he is showing you he wants the single life.
Show him the door. Do it after you see an attorney and get finances and child visitation straightened out.
Once a cheater always one. Sorry for your troubles.
Anybody else have anymore advice?
I think, especially when we're going through a rough time, that it's normal to want to dabble in fantasy: to message people, to chat, to write emails. None of that means that he would follow through with it. Granted, if you truly cannot believe that he wouldn't then it really doesn't matter one way or the other. We make our own reality and all that.
Did he do wrong? Yes. Is your relationship hurt? Yes. But it seems like a lot of your reactions are based on a quick emotion. When you enter into a marriage you sign up for anything. Granted I do not know the intricacies of your relationship, but I think it'd be worth at least attempting to work through this before throwing in the towel.
Get to a doctor & get yourself tested for STD's and tell him if he is serious about getting back with you that he needs to do the same. Hopefully he never did meet up with anyone, but better safe then sorry.
Only you can truly decide if going back is worth it or not. Keep in mind his traveling situation with work isn't going to get better by the sounds of it. If he is willing to give is a shot & go to counseling & try to repair the trust issues, what do you really have to lose? A few more months of being married? But if you go back, talk things out & try counseling, well if it didn't work, you can both say you tried everything you could to make things work and hopefully part ways on good terms for your sons sake.
Sorry, but I'm with Tarpon on this one. What a lying scumbag! OP, I am so angry for you that you even have to deal with this. Go and get yourself tested asap because you have no idea if he was with anyone else and gee....he lied to you multiple times about multiple things and got caught - do you honestly think he's going to tell you 'yea, I went out and banged someone else.' And who knows - I wouldn't be surprised if it was with more than one person.
Anyone who tells you that you should give him the benefit of the doubt and stay with this cheating loser needs to have their head examined. Just because you have a child with him does not mean you are obligated to stay and work it out. Remember - HE's the one who messed up here, not you. I would never stay with a man who did this to me ever. Child or no child. The fact that you do have a child sucks because now you have to deal with child support and visitation bs, but better that than to have the child grow up and see mommy as a doormat and think that it's okay for a woman to be treated like this. And whatever you do, do not even think of bringing another child into this mess.
But kudos for implying that I'm somehow mentally unstable.
And what's with saying you shouldn't have checked his phone? If he has already been shifty, which he has, there was every reason for you to check before making a decision. And as it turns out, he's still a shifty, cheating liar.
Unless you agree with that Jennycolada that having a kid together means that you need to pretend that a guy you KNOW is a liar and a cheater (yes, he's still a cheater if the only reason he didn't cheat is that no one was interested in his offer) is really someone worth staying with. If you really believe that a lifetime with no trust and a guy you don't really like any more is the "anything" you sign up for, then go back, I guess, but that option doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense.
I don't particularly think that it's "dumb" to want to attempt and encourage others to first work things out with a partner.
I'm not denying that maybe this isn't the relationship with her, I simply wish that there were other options being encouraged besides "leave him immediately!" It just seems a bit brash to me to encourage this without taking both sides into account. I'm not saying that what he did was right or that she'd be wrong to leave, but that's not the only way to fix a relationship problem, nor should it be the first option.
Plenty of couples come back after cheating, and plenty don't. But the OP needs to figure out what is best for HER and HER RELATIONSHIP, and while all the "you go girl!"s are supportive, I think it's part of our role as a listening ear to offer up alternative viewpoints and suggestions, as we have the benefit of not being so emotionally invested.
For the record, "family" =/= children. I am a family with my Fi, and we have no children nor pets.
How is he trustworthy when he's already making his rounds on CL and on dating websites?
And he's LIED! Doesn't matter what about: HE LIED!
So you still think he is trustworthy, @Jennycolada??? How so?
When they start shutting their phones off and start the nonsense with not bothering to pick up the phone you can bet monkey business is afoot.
There's nothing else you can do; file and make sure he's gone asap.
Maybe this is something the OP wants to work through, maybe not. She needs to make the best choice for her own emotional resources. She doesn't have to leave him just as she doesn't have to stay with him. Hell, she could spend some time away and make a more formal decision later. There are multiple routes to take and it's up to her to figure out how damaged his actions make the relationship in her eyes and if there is anything that can be done to heal it. If there is, great. If there's not, great. But we cannot tell her what is able to be done (or not done) in her relationship.
It sucks, and it's hard, and it's not something is ever want anyone to go through. But it happened.
I didn't mean to start an argument with my question. I do see good points on both sides of the spectrum. I don't blame myself by any means, but I can't help but feel bad. He says I didn't give him a chance to make it right because I was over at my parents' house when I told him things weren't working. Yeah, maybe it was cowardly of me, but I took time away to clear my head and that's what came of it. I think the time away was good for me. And to be fair to myself, I gave him a chance to make it right when I confronted him about the 2 situations and he lied. I mean, am I right? That seems like a fair chance to me!
This is so stressful. I just want to sleep for 10 days straight. Blah. But I've got to stay strong for my little guy.
In your situation I'd get into counseling together but I wouldn't be moving back home until I made a final decision about whether or not I wanted to stay in the marriage permanently.
That being said -
You've got trust issues. In this instance, your trust issues are justified. But the fact that you are checking into his phone texting history online via your bill like a private detective, CONTACTING the other woman, making fake dating profiles to try to catch him out, taking screenshots of this crap...
Even if you guys do work things out you will never trust him again - whether or not someone COULD is irrelevant - it is not in your nature.
Add that to him being 'traveling' for work for 300 days of the year (82% of the year) and you are already feeling just like roommates:
A: how is this a marriage worth saving?
B: why put yourself through this? Why sit at 'home' in a place you don't like/don't know to wait patiently and dutifully for your husband to return while constantly checking his mobile phone records, email and online history to prove to yourself he isn't cheating on you?
Staying in this marriage seems ludicrous to me.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
A: how is this a marriage worth saving?
B: why put yourself through this? Why sit at 'home' in a place you don't like/don't know to wait patiently and dutifully for your husband to return while constantly checking his mobile phone records, email and online history to prove to yourself he isn't cheating on you?
Staying in this marriage seems ludicrous to me.
What do you DO together during the time he is home -- and what about the time he is away? What do you do *together* then?
I know of somebody who has been married for several years; her H, too, is away for long periods of time. They utilize their time together, whether it's when he's home from his sales tours overseas or via skype email phone or whatever electronic means there is and yeah, they send snail mail letters, too. (and he sends maybe a silly little novelty item or just a plain ole touristy souvenier he finds in his travels -- just something for shits and giggles and to say he's thinking of her)
Sounds like you've done nothing much together at all.
Keep I'm mind that I can't stay w my parents and go to counseling with him..we are about 10 hours apart from each other. Otherwise I'd do counseling and stay here. But it's either like I go and work on it or I stay and don't. That's why it's such a big decision. I guess the worst thing could be that it doesn't work and I just come back and find a job back home near my family...but I'm exhausted from going back and forth.
I also am stereotyping here but stereotypes are created by many similar actions or attributes. It requires a certain personality traits to serve. Some of those often coincide with traits if those who exhibit infidelity.
I don't know if you want to fix things or not, or if you want to risk getting back with a liar...
but which of you is in the military? because if he is adultery is punishable under the UCMJ if you want to take it that far...talk to a lawyer on the base.
Even though you left, you think that really justifies him looking for sex right away? I mean, how long were you gone? Instead of thinking it over, feeling sad, or trying to make it up to you, he went right to looking for someone else. Doesn't that say something about how much you mean to him and how hard he's willing to work? He gave up right away and was ready to sleep with someone else.