Do we have any right to privacy (staying with in-laws)?

cookie0803

H and I are currently staying with our in-laws. We moved in 2 weeks ago and will be out by the beginning of March. They have been kind enough to invite us to stay with them, as our landlord had been reported, which brought an inspection of his properties, which has resulted in our apartment (as well as the others in the building) being evacuated. Fortunately, we were already in the process of purchasing our first home, but we can't move in until March.

We both love and get along with H's parents, but his mother can be quite intrusive and overbearing. I am fully aware that while we are under their roof, what they say goes. I can deal with the comments about me not working (I had to leave my job as I'm pregnant and on modified bed rest, plus IL's house is way too far from the job anyway), suggestions to take any minimum wage job she comes across, comments on my hair, clothing, weight, food choices, etc., however I have noticed MIL walking in and out of our bedroom more than once. It's a room in her house, so if she wants to go in there, fine, but she is going through our drawers, rearranging things, and pulling things out that she feels are "donate worthy." We have everything in storage other than our clothing and a few basic essentials, so it's not as if we've taken over her house. Am I out of line by being bothered by this?

R.Wilsonny

Ultimately, it's never a good idea to live with family, but sometimes there are circumstances such as yours that warrant it. I don't think you are out of line at all in expecting her to not go through your personal things. Going into the room is one thing, although I would be a bit annoyed by that too, but going through your drawers and rummaging through your things is 100% crossing the line. I know you said you can deal with her commentary, but that needs to stop too - and the sooner you nip that in the bud, the better because once that baby of yours comes, it's only going to get worse. Where is your H in all of this? I think since it is his mother, he needs to handle her and tell her to cut the crap.

Disneygeek77

Yeah going through the drawers is a bit much and also really weird.  I mean who in their right mind takes it upon themselves to donate other people clothes?

cookie0803

I definitely agree with not living with family as a general rule, right up there with not borrowing money, or any other similar imposition. We didn't see too many other options, unfortunately.

MIL saves the comments for when DH is at work or the gym, which to me means she knows they're not appropriate. If he is present, he's pretty quick to call her out on it. At this point I don't want him to address the comments she makes when he's not around because it just seems like it would get unpleasant. He doesn't want these comments to continue, though, so I think he's just waiting for the next one.

She hasn't actually donated anything (yet), but she keeps pulling clothes out of the closet/drawers and "suggesting" we consider donating them. And we will...when we're finished with them.

R.Wilsonny

Oh, my MIL used to do that - make comments to me when my H would be out of the room. It's been a while since she has done it, but I remember when she would, I would tell my H and have him handle it. Funny how they like to do that though and think that your H won't find out. Whether your H is there or not, he absolutely must know that his mother is saying this stuff to you, because mark my words, baby comes and it will get worse. Next thing you know, she will start telling you how to parent your child. When your H isn't there, of course. Your H needs to put a stop to this. And he needs to put a stop to her going through your stuff....yes, you live in their house for now, but you are still entitled to some level of privacy. She can't just go through your things 'suggesting' you donate stuff....totally out of line.

Ilumine

MOVE OUT. 

No seriously,  You have 4 weeks to get through right?  Would a mid-range hotel cost much more than the rent and utilities you were paying in your apartment?  

And when asked why you are moving out, your DH can calmly let his parents know that it is all due to his mother's lack of hospitably.  

cookie0803

There are 3 hotels "near" us, all of which cost at least 3x our monthly rent and utilities. That doesn't even include food. There is no way we can swing that without really messing up our savings (which we want to avoid before the baby is born), especially with the money going into the new house. Between our wedding this past September, the surprise pregnancy, subsequent bed rest order, house purchase, and now the apartment, our emergency fund is hurting. Believe me, I looked for options before accepting their offer to stay.

Disneygeek77

I'm confused.  Why does your husband have to be present ?  Can't you just say to him " Hey, hon today your mom told me ......"

In addition, the next time she makes a rude remark, look at her and say " What do you mean by that ?" or " Why would you say something like that ?"

People like her are used to being put on the spot and in uncomfortable positions, so my advice is to make her squirm.  

cookie0803

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

Sillygirl45

Wow! She sounds awful. I would tell your H about her being intrusive and rude to you. You don't need to listen to this for another month. He needs to tell her to knock it off.

If you were living in their house because you refused to work, begged to stay there, and wouldn't leave, she would have every right to say what she wanted about your situation. The fact is, she offered for you to stay with them, temporarily, due to circumstances beyond your control. As such, you should be treated as a guest. Even if you were able to work, it's none of her business whether you do or not. That is between you and your H. 

I also don't think anyone should ever move in with family. I can actually see why you would in this situation though. 

TarponMonoxide

Out of the question. She's got no right to barge in on anything.

As soon as you can, find your own place  --- and in the meanwhile:  you and your H need to tell her to pipe down and stay out of your stuff. You both have the right to sa it.

EastCoastBride

o.k. wait- she's going through YOUR CLOTHES to find stuff to donate????  What the ever-loving-fuck?

Dude.  Start speaking up.  She makes rude comments - speak up,  You see her come out of "your" room, speak up.  And if you actually find her going through YOUR things, absolutely speak the fuck up.

And really- I think your DH needs to put it out there more directly "Back off mom.  If you don't, you will do permanent damage to our relationship.  Stop w/ the comments, stop going in to our room.  You're showing an absolute lack of respect for us.  Remember - respect is a two way street.  If you want it from us, you need to give it TO us.".

ANd for me, personally, if my parents or ILs were acting like this, it WOULD affect their ability to see my child.  Don't know how serious this is ultimately to you, but if someone were this rude to me, they wouldn't be spending a whole lot of time w/ my kid.  And I'd let them know that....

ETA: tha's what this boils down to for me - respect.  Much more so than privacy.  While going through your stuff is amazing, she could pull the "but it's MY room, MY furniture" argument.  I think that's a crap argument, but... hopefully you know what I mean.  So - I'd focus on the respect angle.  Doesn't matter about belongings or whose home your in, etc.  It's about basic respect between adults. 

R.Wilsonny

cookie0803 said:

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

I'm curious about this statement 'especially since she's always right' - always right according to who? Her? Because she is not right. She is rude and clearly wrong. If she was so 'right' then she wouldn't be saying this shit when your H isn't there to call her out on it.

cookie0803

R.Wilsonny said:

cookie0803 said:

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

I'm curious about this statement 'especially since she's always right' - always right according to who? Her? Because she is not right. She is rude and clearly wrong. If she was so 'right' then she wouldn't be saying this shit when your H isn't there to call her out on it.

Oh I was being sarcastic. She believes she is always right, everyone else just rolls their eyes. She needs a reality check, though, because she is really starting to drive her kids away from her.

Disneygeek77

cookie0803 said:

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

But it's not a pain.  It absolutely needs to be said.  This is ridiculous.

cookie0803

Disneygeek77 said:

cookie0803 said:

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

But it's not a pain.  It absolutely needs to be said.  This is ridiculous.

Yeah, you're definitely right. At this point something needs to be said before relationships suffer long term damage. We were letting everything go because we felt bad for imposing, but that doesn't give her the right to disrespect us. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and respond to my post, you are all awesome!

SiJoHa

cookie0803 said:

cookie0803 said:

He doesn't have to be present, I tell him what she says, but by that point it just seems to me like more of a pain to bring it up with her again. Especially since she's always right. I would like to see her reaction if I called her out on one of her comments, though.

But it's not a pain.  It absolutely needs to be said.  This is ridiculous.

Yeah, you're definitely right. At this point something needs to be said before relationships suffer long term damage. We were letting everything go because we felt bad for imposing, but that doesn't give her the right to disrespect us. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and respond to my post, you are all awesome!

I just want to reiterate that it is your husband's job to put a stop to this. Yes, you should definitely have responses ready for when she attacks you outside of his presence, but the big "mom, if you keep interfering you will do irreparable damage to our relationship" needs to come from him. I hope that he is willing and able to do this. With a baby on the way, you have all of the bargaining chips. Access to the grandbaby is something you can easily take away and she needs to know that being passive aggressively hostile is going to undermine her ability to be a part of your lives.

PrincessVegan

If you want to be comical you can start hiding crazy things in your drawers and wait for your MIL's reaction. If she finds something outrageous then she'll mention it to DH which opens up the conversation for him to tell her to mind her own business. 

R.Wilsonny

PrincessVegan said:

If you want to be comical you can start hiding crazy things in your drawers and wait for your MIL's reaction. If she finds something outrageous then she'll mention it to DH which opens up the conversation for him to tell her to mind her own business. 

Giant green rubber 'toy' comes to mind

SparkySharky

My mind went straight to anal beads (don't know why). Then I would be sure to bring them up in conversation related to giving my stuff to Goodwill - "Oh, yeah. That is an old shirt, but don't throw out the anal beads. We use those all the time. Have you tried them? Not the sort of thing you loan out, of course, but when we go to Goodwill, we'll see if they have any you could use. If not, there's a store that your son really likes over on Broad. You should see his eyes light up when we go in there. Nearly everything on him just stands right on end. I don't know how much you know about your son, but I think living under the same roof is a great opportunity to really learn about each other. I was going through your drawers the other day, by the way..."

bingbongsmama

OMG that is a long time to put up with her antics. We stayed with my in- laws for 5 days when we lost power during a snow storm and all the hotels were booked up. It was awful but I kept my mouth shut knowing we'd be out of there soon.
My MIL also found reasons to constantly go in our room and the rude comments I get at visits or on phone calls just went 24/7. I spent a lot of time hiding out pretending to be asleep lol.

Try to avoid her as much as possible. Maybe just say you're not well and need to rest. Get DH to bring you food so you don't bump into her in the kitchen. Otherwise she will drive you crazy.

R.Wilsonny

I don't think avoiding the MIL is the answer. I DO think confronting her for being a nosey bitch and telling her to knock it off is though.

cookie0803

DH confronted his mom, she cried and threw a tantrum. It was completely ridiculous. We went away for the weekend and since we've been back she's been a holy terror. This morning she made a nasty comment about my dying grandmother (after a string of other ridiculous comments). I burst into tears, dropped everything, went upstairs, and have been locked in my room ever since. It would really be nice if I at least had the option to leave, but I can't drive and now DH's car is broken down and in the shop. I swear, we are having the worst luck.

R.Wilsonny

Ugh! Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work. I could use a few other choice 4 letter words, but I'll reserve those. Where was your H when she made the comments about your grandmother? Are you sure there is nowhere else for you guys to go and stay until March? I'd seriously be out of there and I would highly recommend cutting her off at this point because she sounds like an unreasonable self centered psycho.

Disneygeek77

Did you tell your husband about what she said ?

You both have to seriously consider cutting her out of your lives.  

Can you talk to a hotel and see if they will give you a discount for staying there for a few weeks ?  

Can someone come and pick you up ?

cookie0803

My husband is unfortunately at work today. He was picked up by a co-worker at an absurdly early time, and because of the ice storm we're dealing with (wires and trees down everywhere, roads are closed), I have no idea when he'll be able to come home. He said when he gets home he's getting me out of here. My mom lives a state away and I really don't want to have to stay with her, away from my husband, but honestly I'm just done with MIL at this point. My own mother is a hoarder and the only place to sleep would be her little leather couch. This whole situation is just out of control. We might be able to swing this cheap hotel that's pretty out of the way, but now with the crazy bill for DH's car, I just don't know. Sorry to be so depressing, I'm just at such a loss.

SparkySharky

One thing that's always helped me distance myself from other people's hurtful comments is reminding myself that the only reason they said it was that they're trying to be mean. The comment is ONLY intended to make me feel bad. There's no truth to it, there's no justification for saying it (b/c no one is justified in being an ahole for any reason), and it really just means that the person whose only intent is to hurt someone - is very small. It's allowed me to have an unflappable demeanor around ridiculous people, b/c you just feel like you're watching a sitcom.

No doubt you're under stress and have more on your mind than just the one comment about your grandma, but try to view this as the small and finite arrangement that it is. And go about your business as if she's a fly on the wall. If she makes a comment, just smile and go back to whatever you're doing (watching TV, reading a book, etc.). If she persists, just get up, smile and say, "DH will hopefully be home safely later tonight. You can talk to him about that." If she continues to say something like, "You're in my home...blah blah" - just say, "Yes, we appreciate that so much. DH will be home later to talk to you about [your head in your a$$]."

You will leave, hopefully sooner than later depending on how much decency the woman has. So just do what you gotta do. Eat. Sleep. Keep yourself entertained.

R.Wilsonny

If the hotel winds up not being an option, do you guys have any friends that you could possibly stay with? I mean, if it's only for a few weeks and if you offer to give them some money or buy groceries or something like this, maybe someone can help you guys out. I know if I were in this dire a situation, my friends would be more than happy to help out. Idk if I would go stay with your mother since you are having a rough pregnancy and it's probably not a healthy situation for you or your unborn child to stay with a hoarder. And to be blunt honest, I cannot believe your H would even think of letting you go stay somewhere else while he remains with his mother. He absolutely should be leaving too that way it sends the message loud and clear that she is being an a-hole and it will not be tolerated. 

you = wife = priority

R.Wilsonny

SparkySharky said:

One thing that's always helped me distance myself from other people's hurtful comments is reminding myself that the only reason they said it was that they're trying to be mean. The comment is ONLY intended to make me feel bad. There's no truth to it, there's no justification for saying it (b/c no one is justified in being an ahole for any reason), and it really just means that the person whose only intent is to hurt someone - is very small. It's allowed me to have an unflappable demeanor around ridiculous people, b/c you just feel like you're watching a sitcom.

No doubt you're under stress and have more on your mind than just the one comment about your grandma, but try to view this as the small and finite arrangement that it is. And go about your business as if she's a fly on the wall. If she makes a comment, just smile and go back to whatever you're doing (watching TV, reading a book, etc.). If she persists, just get up, smile and say, "DH will hopefully be home safely later tonight. You can talk to him about that." If she continues to say something like, "You're in my home...blah blah" - just say, "Yes, we appreciate that so much. DH will be home later to talk to you about [your head in your a$$]."

You will leave, hopefully sooner than later depending on how much decency the woman has. So just do what you gotta do. Eat. Sleep. Keep yourself entertained.

^ you definitely must have a lot more patience than I ever would because I think after one too many comments like OP's MIL, the gloves would be coming off. lol

bingbongsmama

Like you said, she's always right. There's no reasoning with someone like that. There's no point in confronting her, she knows she's being awful and doesn't care. My MIL will deny and continue the behavior as well. Making comments about your sick grandmother is the lowest of the low!

Disneygeek77

Are there any friends that can put you up for a few weeks ?  They might not mind if you help them out with a few bills.

Can you talk to your realtor or your builder ?  Do they have any ideas ?  I just ask because we thought about buying a home that was a transition home for people that also bought from the same builder.  It used to be a displaym but I guess they decided to let a few families use the home until their home was complete ?