Post Nuptial Blues :(

jenjenbrassard

Hey guys,

My husband and I got engaged on December 25, 2010 and got married September 14, 2013. We spent nearly 3 years planning our wedding and our honeymoon and now that it's over I've been feeling quite sad. The thing is, though, I didn't start feeling sad until a not-so-close friend of mine became engaged and began posting her wedding planning updates all over facebook. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy for them because I do care about them. I'm just sad that MY experience is over. 

I can't help thinking about all the things I would've done differently, such as choosing one of the other dresses I tried on or choosing a different first dance song. The whole engagement I was stressed out over the planning, but now looking back on it I realize I should've enjoyed it while it lasted.

I love my husband to death and am so happy that I'm married to him. But the days of our wedding and honeymoon were the most romantic of my life and I can't help feeling that nothing will ever compare to them.

Did anyone else feel this way after they got married? What did you do to overcome these feelings?? I just want to be able to sit back and enjoy being married to the love of my life.

Jen

TarponMonoxide

jenjenbrassard said:

Hey guys,

My husband and I got engaged on December 25, 2010 and got married September 14, 2013. We spent nearly 3 years planning our wedding and our honeymoon and now that it's over I've been feeling quite sad. The thing is, though, I didn't start feeling sad until a not-so-close friend of mine became engaged and began posting her wedding planning updates all over facebook. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy for them because I do care about them. I'm just sad that MY experience is over. 

I can't help thinking about all the things I would've done differently, such as choosing one of the other dresses I tried on or choosing a different first dance song. The whole engagement I was stressed out over the planning, but now looking back on it I realize I should've enjoyed it while it lasted.

I love my husband to death and am so happy that I'm married to him. But the days of our wedding and honeymoon were the most romantic of my life and I can't help feeling that nothing will ever compare to them.

Did anyone else feel this way after they got married? What did you do to overcome these feelings?? I just want to be able to sit back and enjoy being married to the love of my life.

Jen

Probably normal, especially when you see photos of one of these very high end weddings featuring the very rich. Not to worry.

SiJoHa

jenjenbrassard said:

Hey guys,

My husband and I got engaged on December 25, 2010 and got married September 14, 2013. We spent nearly 3 years planning our wedding and our honeymoon and now that it's over I've been feeling quite sad. The thing is, though, I didn't start feeling sad until a not-so-close friend of mine became engaged and began posting her wedding planning updates all over facebook. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy for them because I do care about them. I'm just sad that MY experience is over. 

I can't help thinking about all the things I would've done differently, such as choosing one of the other dresses I tried on or choosing a different first dance song. The whole engagement I was stressed out over the planning, but now looking back on it I realize I should've enjoyed it while it lasted.

I love my husband to death and am so happy that I'm married to him. But the days of our wedding and honeymoon were the most romantic of my life and I can't help feeling that nothing will ever compare to them.

Did anyone else feel this way after they got married? What did you do to overcome these feelings?? I just want to be able to sit back and enjoy being married to the love of my life.

Jen

This is common. Having been married 10 years I can tell you there are many more great marriage moments to come. Plan some things right now that you can look forward to--regular dinners out or even another trip.

Leftie22

I didn't have the blues because I hated planning my wedding, but it can understand how some people might feel let down after the planning is over. Why not plan a nice, new activity for you and your DH to do together? I find it's very refreshing to the relationship to take a class or go do an activity that neither one of you has done before. It's fun to learn together, and gives you something new to talk about. My DH and I took a screen printing class together, and it was one of my favorite things we've done together so far! It lasted 6 weeks, and every week we'd try a new restaurant before going to the class. It was really fun and made me feel close to him. Get out of your comfort zones and have some fun!

Joy2611

Oh my.  Once my wedding was over, my husband and I went home and were like "THANK GOD!"  Back to normal life was so amazing.  You couldn't pay me to do it again.

I guess I can't relate exactly to feeling sad that it's over.  But, I can tell you that marriage simply continues to get better and better for us.  We're more the quiet types who like to travel places together, sit on the couch and watch TV or go out to dinner.  I love him more every day. 

The wedding - while important and meaningful - wasn't the single most important day in my life.  It was a day that was wonderful, but the little mundane things that make up an ordinary day are what matter in a marriage.  Start focusing on each other and less on dresses, shoes, and wedding paraphanelia that mean - sorry - very little in the great scheme of life.

GilliC

Welcome to the Nest! Where people come to plan new stuff instead!

What are you hobbies? What would you like to start obsessing about instead?

I picked Travel and Reading, so I spend ages planning trips to the far corners of the world and researching every little detail. (Sometimes I don't even go in the end.) And the seasonal book challenges let you dig into myriad details about books you might read to fit them into all the different categories and find lots of new titles to consider! (I'm a slow reader, so I never get to half of them, but it's still fun to know what's out there.)

PS - Aside from the Nest Book Club and a few others, you can also find plenty of crazy planning opportunities here.

cutiepie0104

I had a fairly nice wedding, but I would not do it again. I am not a romantic though, I didn't dream of my perfect wedding, the only thing (besides my husband) that I love is my dress and our memories from our honeymoon. 

Try start planning your trip for your anniversary, you can channel that energy into something you both enjoy. I think once all the Wedding Business is over there is always a lull, I understand why you would feel a little down.

cinderin

I hated wedding planning, love my husband and I am glad I am married.

I did not enjoy being PG, love the crap out of my kiddo.

Plan something so you hugs have something to look forward to. Enjoy party planning? Plan a holiday parts, birthday party, 4th of July party... Like vacation planning? Plan a vacation for a year from now.

Focus on what is ahead, not what is behind.

BulgariHeart

I had those blues too. I loved every second of the wedding planning and the day itself, I will never tire of watching the video, the photos and daydreaming about it... Don't worry, it's normal. You just need to focus on new exciting plans and goals. To take my mind off the blues I started planning our 15th "first kiss" anniversary 6 months after the wedding, then Valentine's Day and then our first wedding anniversary. Having more things to celebrate together lined up was great and I know, inside, it helped get over those silly post wedding blues. You can pick anything, house decorating, vacation planning, anything! Believe me the real ride is the marriage. Start enjoying it!

jenjenbrassard

Thank you so much everyone for the support and ideas! Also great to know I'm not alone! I have to say that I definitely feel a little better since getting it off my chest. DH and I have since discussed taking a little trip for our first anniversary and are planning an amazing Valentines Day. Everyone who said to try planning something else was definitelu right

TarponMonoxide

You won't always feel like this.

My wedding was over a dozen years ago -- I am divorced but I have since concluded that if I ever get another chance it'll be nothing like "the original."

Too many guests, too expensive, too overblown too much work, too many things that went wrong (somebody stole the autograph matt and somebody didn't show up to produce what they promised to do and our officiant booted our good friend as one of the Eucharistic Ministers; I wasn't too happy about that)  and "been there seen it done it."

I'll take about 30 of our nearest and dearest and wing it, complete with cartoon art wedding invites -- I'm a cartoon artist.

Just something fun, to let down our hair.:)

erollis

There are two things I would change about our wedding. But I loved it and with all the problems it made it unique to us (and some funny memories). I did feel sad it was over. But mostly because I had regrets about choosing one of our vendors.

Everyone is right. Planning the next thing and keeping connected with H (dates) helps a lot. Keeping yourself busy with enjoyable things is good too.

Last Valentines (few days after) we went to a wine tasting class. This year we are spending Valentine weekend going to the renaissance festival (romantic to us).

parcoeliz

To the OP:

YES! I felt EXACTLY the way you have felt recently. I occasionally still feel a little regret and post nuptial blues here and there. 
One of my best friends and bridesmaids got engaged while I was on my honeymoon! So immediately it was all over facebook, and since, its been her wedding planning. Talk about me not getting "MY" time to shine (selfish and immature I know!). I think all of my mistakes in certain wedding choices are highlighted and enhanced through her planning because she learned from my planning! (like I should have had the girls and myself wear wedge shoes because it was outside, and her GMs are wearing what I originally wanted my GM to wear!)

I too stressed out  a lot during my planning, and I wish I hadn't just like you. I wish I was more organized, and followed those "knot wedding planning lists" more strictly. 

I try to look at my wedding photos, pick several of the awesome shots, and put them together to create an album of how awesome my wedding was. It makes me feel a lot better. I also try to think of the comments I received about how beautiful my wedding was (even if I think some parts of it were not great). As a bride, you ALWAYS are critical of your wedding and what could have been better. Trust me, your friend will feel the same way, as will my friend. 

PS we had the same wedding date!

Life&Gwen

Have you thought that maybe the excitement and romance you felt was not the event itself, but the expectation and planning for it all together? Try setting a vacation, like a year in advance, and pour your energies into that, plan for it, expect it, try to find the best of everything for what you can safely afford, even if its a weekend stay in a tent in a state park. I bet some of the excitement and romance will channel itself through that and will improve your mood!

christinekk

I get a little upset each time I watch "Say Yes to the Dress"!  Not only would I have done some things differently, but I would have tried to focus on feeling differently.  I was stressed and couldn't wait for it to be over.  To help, I focus on trying to enjoy other areas of marriagedom: decorating, cooking, even cleaning!  I work on learning ways to become a better wife.  I've planned some fun parties and for some reason, that's helpful.

We had a fairly simple wedding, which I did want.  However, I'm thinking of planning a mini wedding (just me an him) during a vacation some time soon.  I'd give anything for new pictures (I had a killer toothache during the wedding and you can tell in the pictures that I wasn't feeling great).  Maybe plan a vow renewal celebration.. 

sillygoosegirl

I hated planning by wedding by the time it finally happened, and I expected to be relieved for it to be over.  And in some ways I was.  But for the first few months after, I just didn't know what to do with myself.  I didn't know what to do with my free time.  I didn't know what to talk about with DH.  I didn't even know what to read about on the internet when I wanted to relax and kill some time!  After spending my two year engagement saying, "It's just a day, so long as we have a license and a couple witnesses, nothing else really matters," I found myself obsessing about things that had gone wrong, things I would do differently, etc.  I think it was because I couldn't figure out how to not be thinking about planning a wedding.  I'm used to telling myself, "Well, this was a learning experience, I'll do better next time," but for basically the first time in my life, I knew there was not going to be a next time!  A little after, I became obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant, even though we'd been planning to wait 3+ years (I was 22, wanted to be a SAHM, and DH had 4+ years left on his PhD... so it would have been a pretty crappy plan to have a baby right then). 

Anyway... that was almost 9 years ago now.  With the distance of some time, what dress I wore really doesn't feel that important anymore.  Would I wear something different if I was getting married today?  Yeah, probably.  But so what?  I have other opportunities to wear kick ass dresses.  And so on and so forth.  I knew as a newlywed that all those details really didn't matter, that it was the rest of our lives together that mattered, but "the rest of our lives" hadn't really started yet.  Now that the rest of our lives are well underway, now that I can look back and KNOW from experience that marrying DH was the best decision I have ever made, all the rest of the decisions actually FEEL as unimportant as I knew they were at the time, but had trouble accepting.

What I did to get there was to re-engage with the rest of my life, and with DH.  I'm really glad I didn't manage to talk DH into having a baby.  Instead, I started focusing on my career, on setting good habits in my relationship with DH, on pursuing my hobbies, on living according to my values, and on getting our finances in order.  I set goals and I worked with DH toward achieving them: to save $X for retirement, $Y for an emergency, $Z for a house, $W for a baby; to travel to the next state, to New York, to Mexico, to England, to go around the world; to move back to my home town; to get to a point in my career where I can use my software development background working part time for a commensurate hourly rate with what I earn working full time.  Maybe this year we'll even find time to make a baby...

We have this idea in our culture that a wedding is the culmination, the capstone, the "game over."  The storybook ends when they get married and live happily ever after.  I don't know why that is, because IRL, your story has only just begun.  I'm a little bit jealous of you, standing there at Chapter 1, because I know it's all there waiting for you... make it great!