Trouble in Paradise
Jamison13
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Unemployed fiancé.... Fed up with the laziness!
My fiancé and I have been together almost a year. Things have been up and down for most of our relationship. Lately it has gotten worse.
He became unemployed a little over a month ago. The first couple weeks I let him just relax and get over the fact he got laid off. He was helping around the house (only a little but hey it's something). The next week he told me he had an interview (awesome!). The following week, job interview was a no go. I stroked his ego over that weekend and expected all his talk of his plans to get a new job to start taking place in the upcoming week. However, it was all just talk.
During this whole time he seemed to be digging himself deeper into a horrible sleeping pattern by playing video games all night and then sleeping all day. He tells me he can't shut his brain off and that's why he can't sleep at night. I'm not pressuring him to get a job even though I could really use his help paying for the house he wanted to move into (against my better judgement) and other bills. I would just like some help around the house. I work out everyday (mandatory) and work all day and come home and have to take care of my two year old daughter (who goes to daycare while I me working) and clean the house. He does cook dinner everyday now.
I'm not asking for a spotless house. I would just like to come home and not see the sink overflowing with dishes and the trash is taken out. Maybe some laundry done AND put away (he'll do laundry but won't fold it, just leaves it in a basket somewhere). All this is taking an even bigger toll on our sex life (which has always been a problem area).
Any suggestions on what I should do? My body and mind just want to yell at him but I know that will get us no where.
Please help!
Re: Unemployed fiancé.... Fed up with the laziness!
My Ovulation Chart
Have a look in the local paper and on line for jobs like yours and jobs like his. You'll see how empty the ads are.
It's really pretty bad out there.
He can't be sleeping all day --- I am guessing he is upset his job is gone; I do not blame him --- but gee, if he is out there looking for employment, that would be one thing. Apparently he's not.
That's where your problem comes in.
I'd sit down with him maybe after dinner and discuss his job search with him.
As long as he is out there looking for some type of job, he cannot be held culpable for doing nothing about his unemployed situation.
And be prepared: the average person is unemployed for 6 months. It's tough sledding even for those with advanced degrees. I know of 2 people with masters degrees who are out of work --- they are having a tough time also.
Give some thought to slowing things down and postponing the wedding to a later date. You only know him for a year and now the 2 of you are facing a crisis together. GL.
ETA: Do you own the home? Does he also?
This throws a whole other monkeywrench into the works --- maybe you shold be thinking about renting the place out and you and he and the kiddo living in a smaller apartment, until things get rolling again with finances.
Together less than a year and you've bought a home(Together?)?
SLow down. Even if he has a job, I say slow down and put the wedding on hold for a good long while.
A job hunting expert that writes for our local paper suggests volunteering if you are newly unemployed. There's got to be an endeavor out there for him: animal shelter, food bank, soup kitchens, volunteeering just about anywhere in your town!
He wouldn't be sitting home all day like a lump on a log; in between job hunting, he can volunteer, even if it is for a couple hours a day.
He'd be helping somebody else and he also would have something to put on a resume. It isn't "just volunteering" but it is also showing a potential employer that you are keeping busy during your down time and you are also helping somebody else.
And you and your FI have been together for a year.
SLOW DOWN!!!!
That there is a child involved changes the game plan majorly--- you needed to wait, and a good long while, before you brought the child into the picture. I suggest a year goes by before you "introduced" the kiddo to a boyfriend.
You need to know if he is dependable, in it for the long run and so forth...but instead, you are together less than a year and engaged.
And if this is his kiddo and you got engaged after you had his child and things are rocky?
He is not a good bet for marriage, based on the instability of the relationship.
I am wondering why you stayed with him at all, let alone bear his child and bring the kiddo into an unstable relationship.
A kiddo needs a stable home with a stable parental relationship. There is already a strain now because you said the relationship has ups and downs -- you got engaged considering things are not so swell? Wrong reason to do so -- ask yourself why you got engaged when you did.
Is it because of peer pressure or "it's what comes next"? Nope - you need somebody dependable who you don't play a guessing game with.
I vote you call off the relationship based on the fact that the relationship isn't a good one, let alone a stable one.
I don't know how old he is but I am guessing you and he are probably young 20s -- he's got an especially tough time ahead of him; he likely has only entry level experience; I don't know if he has a college degree but even if he has, it is tough sledding out there today to find a job.
Anything will do: pizza place, restaurant, a supermarket --- he needs to get out there and make himself known. I suggest local stores since he can get there on foot being it is minimal wage.
So far he is undependable in a crisis you and he are having. This is not a good portent.
And you said your sex life with him has always been a problem.
Why do you want a guy you are not sexually compatible with? This is one of the biggest things a couple will argue over -- possibly you and he have had it out over the fact that your sex life is not the greatest.
You and he have to be compatible in all areas. If sex is not one of those areas, you have more tough sledding ahead.
RETHINK this guy. And do so now.
Yeah - I'm in the SLOW DOWN camp. Actually, I'm in the "drop this loser" camp. Find yourself first, focus on your DD first.
You've been together for a YEAR. ONE year. And you're engaged to a guy with whom things have been "up and down". REALLY?
Come on. This guy isn't a keeper. He's showing you who he is. Which is lazy.
I'm sorry if there are not spaces in my response--still new to this. Anyone want to help me out? Anyway, to the OP... If this were just a matter of your fiancé losing his job I'd say that his reaction is semi-normal. At least in the short term. He may be depressed and avoiding reality but of course he's going to have to snap out of it. The bigger problem seems to be that you have significant issues in the relationship that aren't good for the long term. Sex is a big deal; finances are big deal; raising children together is a big deal. If one of these areas is off, it can completely undermine the relationship. If most or all are a mess, then the relationship is tanking. I only see one option if you want to stay with this person and he sincerely wants to stay with you: counseling. But I'm leaning toward the other responses you've been getting. You seem to have moved really quickly into this relationship and by purchasing a home together (I'm scratching my head as to why you went through with it "against your better judgment"--again, something therapy might help you get to the bottom of), when you had so many other glaring problems--again, sex is an issue, childcare and household responsibilities seem to be an issue. So yeah, stop planning a wedding and evaluate if this relationship is worth it. If so, STOP PLANNING A WEDDING and get some objective help through counseling. One last piece of advice. Losing a job is a rocky business. Right now, as another commenter said, it is a shi**y job market and may take your fiancé a loooooong time to find gainful employment--even at the pizza delivery level. And that's just if he is pounding the pavement every day. Believe me, I've been through this. If you stay together, you're going to have to come up with a solid job search plan and a lot, lot of patience with each other. I think it's going to be really hard as you two seem to have deeper, core issues that need to be addressed.
I am seeing more trucks on the road but certainly not as many as there were before the recession hit in 2007.
Put yourself FIRST.
Do what's right for you; this guy's got no staying power. He can't handle a crisis and there are just too many problems here for you to consider marrying him.
I would also hit the road before I wind up conceiving another kiddo with him by accident.
Something else you need to do after he is gone:
Take a long hiatus from men and dating.
No boyfriends no dates for at least a year -- concentrate on your kiddo and your job; do something for yourself. You're too vulnerable right now and you are liable to make another wrong decision when it comes to men.
I was one of those who was SO wary about who met my son when I was dating when he was small. I dated a lot, but only about 3 men have EVER actually MET my son (and one of them is now my husband, another is a guy I dated for 12 years and another a guy I dated for about 2 years). There's nothing wrong with dating, but there needs to be some safe boundaries set up for your little girl once you're out of this current relationship.
When my DH was unexpectedly unemployed for about 5 months, I told him to take time to grieve. I think he needed that 'permission' to lay in bed and sleep all day for about a week. He then self-motivated to spend 8 hours a day in front of a computer job hunting OR working around the house; just as if he'd been working at a job all day.
It might be time to mention that to your fiancee; that job hunting is as serious as working at a job and is as important (if not more so).
Yes, it sounds like you're already checking out of this relationship and taking steps to get out, which is probably a wise idea. But, until then, it's in your best interest to sit down and have a mature conversation with him about things. That he needs to spend his days job hunting OR cleaning the house. Make sure you outline to him HOW he can help around the house (doing the dishes, washing AND folding AND putting away the laundry). Men aren't mind-readers.