I don't know what disrespect is

skylily

The topic of disrespect has been at the forefront of my life this week. It started with an article written in the newspaper about a persons child disrespecting them in their own house. The article did not go into detail about how this child was exactly disrespecting them. This article led to a discussion I had with my father about disrespect. I concluded from this conversation that from a parents' perspective, disrespect = not doing what they say, how they say it, when they say it. As a grown child, I often have a difference of opinion than that of my parents and often want to try things my way first. Apparently, that's disrespectful. Is having a difference of opinion really disrespect? I do not do things out of spite, nor am I rude to them. In fact, I think my dad likes to use "dont disrespect me" to get his way a lot. Especially when I was teen.
So the point of this post was to ask the question - is my DH disrespecting me? We are expecting number 2 but this time I'm high-risk. Things are different and I'm a lot more sensitive. (Could be hormones but really I don't want to face reality and keep hashing this stuff out). I do not want every detail about my doctors appointments told to my MIL. DH doesn't understand why and feels that its MIL's grandchild so its ok to tell her. "She just wants to make sure everything is ok, " he said. I said "Ok - can we tell her everything's fine and leave it at that until we learn something that might not be so "fine?" He said he basically did that. I found out later through my MIL that she knew every detail about my appointment. Wonder where she learned that????
Its my personal wish that she be kept at a distance with all of this and he disagrees to the point of going ahead and telling her. Is that disrespecting me? Or am I now thinking like my dad?

R.Wilsonny

If you do not wish your H to tell people, and that includes his mother, about the details of your appointments, or really details of anything that is deemed personal and private, then he has no business telling her. I don't give a shit if that is your MIL's 'grandkid', she does not have a right to know every last detail - especially if you don't want her to know seeing as it's really none of her business.

So I guess yes, that would be considered disrespectful if you asked him not to say anything and he went ahead and did anyway.

Disneygeek77

In my opinion, your husband is being disrespectful and I would ask why he would rather upset you instead of  his mom.

skylily

I am afraid of the answer he may come up with if I ask him why he would rather upset me instead of my MIL. But it is a good ? to ask. Thanks.

R.Wilsonny

Basically it's like this:

You = his wife

YOU = come first before anyone else, including MIL

Don't be afraid to ask him why he would rather upset you - the person that comes first - over his mother. And if that answer is not to your satisfaction, you make sure to point out to him who comes first and why he needs to keep his mouth shut to his mother.

 

skylily

That would create quite the storm.
There is a movie called "Jumping the Broom". In it the movie bride-to-be points out that she doesn't want to jump the broom, and he doesn't want to jump the broom, then asks why they should. Groom-to-be said "because it would make her happy."

This is my relationship with DH. If I'm against it, and he doesn't care either way, we end up doing it because it would make MIL happy. Drives me up the wall. Same goes if I for something, he's neutral, and MIL is against- she typically wins.  "Don't want to upset her."  I need a backbone.

R.Wilsonny

Oh well, then you already know what your problem is. As much as it might point to your MIL, really, the larger problem is your H. Perhaps you need a backbone, but the person who really needs it is your H to stand up to his mommy.

TarponMonoxide

skylily said:

The topic of disrespect has been at the forefront of my life this week. It started with an article written in the newspaper about a persons child disrespecting them in their own house.

For once and for all:

Tell the media, tell kids and tell everyone who uses the made up word of "disrespect" that "DISRESPECTED" IS NOT A RECOGNIZED WORD.

Nor are other forms of the made-up word.

The correct usage is "A person's child has shown no respect for their parents in their own house." "His wife does not respect her husband."  "We do not respect our boss; he has a lack of character."

NOT hard to do. Yet, nobody gets it. This is a massacre of the Queen's and King's English.

It's trashy and ghetto like "baby mama." The phrase and term is "THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD" -- not "baby mama."

The article did not go into detail about how this child was exactly disrespecting them. This article led to a discussion I had with my father about disrespect. I concluded from this conversation that from a parents' perspective, disrespect = not doing what they say, how they say it, when they say it. As a grown child, I often have a difference of opinion than that of my parents and often want to try things my way first. Apparently, that's disrespectful. Is having a difference of opinion really disrespect? I do not do things out of spite, nor am I rude to them. In fact, I think my dad likes to use "dont disrespect me" to get his way a lot. Especially when I was teen.

Respect is manners, etiquette and knowing that an adult is an authority figure, the same as your parents are authority figures.

So the point of this post was to ask the question - is my DH disrespecting me? We are expecting number 2 but this time I'm high-risk. Things are different and I'm a lot more sensitive. (Could be hormones but really I don't want to face reality and keep hashing this stuff out). I do not want every detail about my doctors appointments told to my MIL. DH doesn't understand why and feels that its MIL's grandchild so its ok to tell her.

Your husband is a blabbermouth and immature.

And he is also NOT respecting your request and wishes.

Nip this in the bud NOW. Make certain he quits it there and then.


"She just wants to make sure everything is ok, " he said.

This is a copout and nothing more.

I said "Ok - can we tell her everything's fine and leave it at that until we learn something that might not be so "fine?" He said he basically did that. I found out later through my MIL that she knew every detail about my appointment. Wonder where she learned that????
Its my personal wish that she be kept at a distance with all of this and he disagrees to the point of going ahead and telling her. Is that disrespecting me? Or am I now thinking like my dad?

He needs to cut this out. No questions asked.

Disneygeek77

Yes you definitely need a backbone.  I don't know what vows you took, but I imagine there was something along the lines of " To put above all others and let no one come between." All others includes his mommy.  

I have only had to use this line once, but that was all that was needed.  One time when we were visiting the ILs, they gave us a hard time about how we were spending our time.  I wanted one afternoon that was just for our family and to keep the details private from them.  My husband said he didn't want to upset them so I said " Look buddy, someone is this situation is going to  be upset.  So you can either choose to upset them or you can choose to upset me, your wife and the mother of your children.  So who's it gonna be ?"  

It was like the light bulb went off and he realized "Dude, I would rather upset my mom and sister than upset the wife in this situation." 

I would say the same thing to your husband and be honest concerning how much it upsets you.  Don't lie and and don't sugar coat.  Be honest, be blunt and be honest,

skylily

I apologize. Thank you for the correction.

EastCoastBride

So, basically your DH is a momma's boy?  She comes #1 no matter what.  Nice.

To your post -

I feel your dad took advantage of what "disrespect" means.  Having a difference of opinion is NOT disrespectful.  And I think questioning parents a little on their rules or why things are the way they are isn't inherently disrespectful.  I think it shows critical thinking!  There are many ways kids can disrespect their parents, but this isn't it.

Yes, your DH is absolutely disrespecting you.  This is YOUR body, YOUR medical apt, YOUR business.  The fact that he so absolutely disregards your wishes...

 

Gotta say - I doubt this is the first time this has been an issue.  Am I right?  HAs his mom always come first?  Clearly having a kid isn't going to change that. 

I'd read him the riot act, to be honest.  Get mad at him.  Show him what it's like to have YOU pissed at him.  Make him worry about you and not just his mom.

 

And yes, you need a backbone because now it's going to be about your kid too.  WHat happens the first time your MIL comes in your  home and just takes your baby from your arms?  Or starts telling you how to raise your child?  Even though you knowk better?  Is he always going to kowtow to HER? 

Leftie22

That's a huge husband problem. I had a high-risk first pregnancy too, and was in the very awkward situation of having a BIL who is a med student and was in the hospital I gave birth at. He was not involved in ANY way at my son's birth, and yet took it upon himself to access my son's chart and then came to report stuff to us. I was furious. It's a violation of my privacy, my son's privacy and against the law. If you don't stand up for yourself, your relationship with your inlaws and your DH is going to be all skewed. You have to be DH's priority, and if you say something isn't okay, he should respect that. Would he want you to tell your mom all about his reproductive health? I doubt it. Yes, it's his baby too, but it's your body. Your health information is private. Your bits are none of anyone else's business, unless you choose to tell them about it. I highly recommend doing what @R.Wilsonny recommended and ask your DH why his mother's feelings are more important than yours. The answer is important, even if you don't like it, because it will affect your happiness and feelings of worth in the relationship. And it might be a good wake up call for him. Good luck!

Disneygeek77

Ok, I read your other post and it seems you have problem with confrontations and also making your feelings known.  What he is doing is wrong and you need to tell him that.  Like ECB said, don't hold back and let him know how much this upsets you.  He needs to know.  

skylily

You are right. This is the not the first time this has been an issue. It happened all through my first pregnancy, too. The first round was all on me, sort of. DH would leave work thereby telling my FIL that I had a doc appt. (He works with FIL and came to every appt). FIL would tell MIL that I had an appt. About 2 hours later (almost on the dot) she would text me directly asking how everything was. I had the ability to say "fine" and it was left at that. Until the next day when we would see them and she would hound us both for more details. I would say DH keeping it to "we're fine" was about 50/50. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

Thankfully I have successfully gotten her to back off about visiting all the time since DS was born. That keeps any parental advice on how to raise my child at bay. However, DS is only 8 months old. Aside from caring for baby, there is not many opportunities for her to say I'm doing anything wrong. ....yet. My dad on the other hand reminds me monthly that Time Outs do not work and I have to spank or else they will rule the house. (Save that for another day).

And her taking DS from my arms? Happened. I was irate. I don't care if its her grandchild she has no right to just take him like that. I told DH then and there that she better ask me if she can hold him or she can "take" DS from DH but she will not do that to me. - - That didn't work either. Irate or not, I lost. Thankfully we rarely bring DS around. (Long story). Perhaps I should amend this with - Thank God DS is attached to mommy and hates strangers. Of course that launched her into a tirade about how her grandson doesn't know her because she rarely gets to see him.

skylily

We found out that because we are having our C/S at a Catholic hospital they will not tie my tubes after this pregnancy. DH had decided to get his tubes tied instead because its less risky. Can I tell my parents that? Nope. He said that's private. I was irate again - he's right that is a private matter but why are my doctors appointments not private? He remained quiet and I walked away at that point.

R.Wilsonny

Oh well isn't that tough shit on her. You guys are the parents - you guys make the rules. You guys control who does and does not have access to your child and if they do not respect your parenting decisions, then guess what? They will have limited or no access to your child.

And your father is wrong too about spanking. I know that this has been a source of debate on here, but I think most ladies here agree that it does more harm than it does good. And I'd put your father in his place about that if I were you. I would not trust someone who has this attitude about spanking around my kid.

You need to find your voice and speak up. Stop putting up with other people's bullshit.

TarponMonoxide

Sure! If you said "Gee, did I tell ya my husband had a vasectomy?" you'd bet all hell would break loose.

Even money says it would.

TarponMonoxide

Anything that makes you feel humiliated, uncomfortable or upsets you is an end product of somebody treating you with little or no respect.

Anybody who speaks harshly to you or treats you like shit has no respect for you.

Somebody who does not make you feel good in every way is somebody with no respect for you.

Leftie22

skylily said:

We found out that because we are having our C/S at a Catholic hospital they will not tie my tubes after this pregnancy. DH had decided to get his tubes tied instead because its less risky. Can I tell my parents that? Nope. He said that's private. I was irate again - he's right that is a private matter but why are my doctors appointments not private? He remained quiet and I walked away at that point.

I'm really glad you pointed that out to him, and I hope he's mature enough to reflect on it and see it from your perspective. And I think we have the same MIL - mine was always stealing my DS out of my arms, or refusing to give him back when he was crying for me! And she also complained that he didn't know her. It's very frustrating. If she didn't listen to me when I told her I wanted to hold him and she pulled him away (I wasn't going to play tug-of-war with him), I made DH go and get him back. I understand how hard it can be.

MissZoeyK

I have similar issues with my MIL, only my SIL is also a HUGE problem. At the end of the day I think my MIL means well, but her interference in my relationship has created problems for me and my FI. His sister on the other hand is downright mean and disrespectful to me, and FI refuses to back me up and is constantly siding with his sister. It has become such a problem over the past month that we are in counseling now and thinking about canceling the wedding, which is supposed to be in August.

I just don't understand why women would rather see their sons/brothers alone and miserable, separated from their children and the women they love versus backing off even just a little bit to allow new families to grow in a healthy way.  

I promise my son (just under 3 months old) every day that when he grows up his mommy will always love and respect whoever he chooses to spend his life with.

Clearly I have no good advice for you since my situation is so bad, but I totally understand how hard this must be for you. *Hugs*

zitiqueen

MissZoeyK said:

I have similar issues with my MIL, only my SIL is also a HUGE problem. At the end of the day I think my MIL means well, but her interference in my relationship has created problems for me and my FI. His sister on the other hand is downright mean and disrespectful to me, and FI refuses to back me up and is constantly siding with his sister. It has become such a problem over the past month that we are in counseling now and thinking about canceling the wedding, which is supposed to be in August.

I just don't understand why women would rather see their sons/brothers alone and miserable, separated from their children and the women they love versus backing off even just a little bit to allow new families to grow in a healthy way.  

I promise my son (just under 3 months old) every day that when he grows up his mommy will always love and respect whoever he chooses to spend his life with.

Clearly I have no good advice for you since my situation is so bad, but I totally understand how hard this must be for you. *Hugs*

I hope you realize that MIL and SIL aren't the problems in your relationship.

EastCoastBride

Leftie22 said:

skylily said:

We found out that because we are having our C/S at a Catholic hospital they will not tie my tubes after this pregnancy. DH had decided to get his tubes tied instead because its less risky. Can I tell my parents that? Nope. He said that's private. I was irate again - he's right that is a private matter but why are my doctors appointments not private? He remained quiet and I walked away at that point.

I'm really glad you pointed that out to him, and I hope he's mature enough to reflect on it and see it from your perspective. And I think we have the same MIL - mine was always stealing my DS out of my arms, or refusing to give him back when he was crying for me! And she also complained that he didn't know her. It's very frustrating. If she didn't listen to me when I told her I wanted to hold him and she pulled him away (I wasn't going to play tug-of-war with him), I made DH go and get him back. I understand how hard it can be.

I'm glad you pointed this out too and seriously- if he actually doesn't "get it", tell  him that you will be teling your parents about all his appts too.  PEtty, sure, but until you actually DO IT, he'll continue to have blinders on.

BUT I hope it doesn't come to it.  Hopefully he'll realize your VERY VALID point and will shut up to his mom.

EastCoastBride

zitiqueen said:

MissZoeyK said:

I have similar issues with my MIL, only my SIL is also a HUGE problem. At the end of the day I think my MIL means well, but her interference in my relationship has created problems for me and my FI. His sister on the other hand is downright mean and disrespectful to me, and FI refuses to back me up and is constantly siding with his sister. It has become such a problem over the past month that we are in counseling now and thinking about canceling the wedding, which is supposed to be in August.

I just don't understand why women would rather see their sons/brothers alone and miserable, separated from their children and the women they love versus backing off even just a little bit to allow new families to grow in a healthy way.  

I promise my son (just under 3 months old) every day that when he grows up his mommy will always love and respect whoever he chooses to spend his life with.

Clearly I have no good advice for you since my situation is so bad, but I totally understand how hard this must be for you. *Hugs*

I hope you realize that MIL and SIL aren't the problems in your relationship.

Yea, seriously. MissZoey- Please realize this is VERY MUCH an FI problem.  And it might help him to get counseling.  I realize it's not something that a man will just wake up and realize how screwed up the dynamic in his family is.  he may need help coming to that.

But your FI is VERY much a part of this.  It isn't just your evil MIL and SIL.  Stop pointing the fingers at only them.  If he stands up/ pushes back w/ them, it might actually make an impact. 

Disneygeek77

skylily said:

You are right. This is the not the first time this has been an issue. It happened all through my first pregnancy, too. The first round was all on me, sort of. DH would leave work thereby telling my FIL that I had a doc appt. (He works with FIL and came to every appt). FIL would tell MIL that I had an appt. About 2 hours later (almost on the dot) she would text me directly asking how everything was. I had the ability to say "fine" and it was left at that. Until the next day when we would see them and she would hound us both for more details. I would say DH keeping it to "we're fine" was about 50/50. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

Thankfully I have successfully gotten her to back off about visiting all the time since DS was born. That keeps any parental advice on how to raise my child at bay. However, DS is only 8 months old. Aside from caring for baby, there is not many opportunities for her to say I'm doing anything wrong. ....yet. My dad on the other hand reminds me monthly that Time Outs do not work and I have to spank or else they will rule the house. (Save that for another day).

And her taking DS from my arms? Happened. I was irate. I don't care if its her grandchild she has no right to just take him like that. I told DH then and there that she better ask me if she can hold him or she can "take" DS from DH but she will not do that to me. - - That didn't work either. Irate or not, I lost. Thankfully we rarely bring DS around. (Long story). Perhaps I should amend this with - Thank God DS is attached to mommy and hates strangers. Of course that launched her into a tirade about how her grandson doesn't know her because she rarely gets to see him.

OP, can you give details with regards to the bolded part.  What do you mean you lost ?

skylily

@Disneygeek - I was first told that she "just wants to love on him" and DH wants MIL to bond with my son, too. It was a matter of manners and I was asked to back down. Apparently me being ticked is far less bothersome than mommy dearest being ticked.

This whole topic is eating at me. We had a family trip a few weeks ago that entailed DH's entire family on MIL's side. I asked DH to make sure DS didn't get passed around. Just because he's a baby doesn't mean he's everyones baby. (My POV anyway) He told his mom and low and behold the "they just want to love on him" came back attached to "but I'll try to keep everyone ELSE at bay." yeah...everyone else. .... During that trip people would take without asking with the excuse of "my turn" and I was expected to keep the peace.

This is an ongoing problem that I have, too. My mother does the "keep the peace" routine and silently stews all day when my dad has done something. When I have asked my dad to stop things, or asked dad to tell others to stop things that I don't like - the result is always "You know how they are so you're just going to have to accept it." I am at the point now that if I don't like what someone does on a constant basis I just avoid them. I can't change them but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it, so I don't go around. Wish that would work with MIL.

Disneygeek77

Well, I am going to be completely honest with you.  I think it might be time for some marriage counseling so as to get to the bottom of the issue of your husband putting his mother before you.  I'm not saying it will work, but maybe he needs to hear it from a trained professional that what he is doing is wrong.  

Also, you are being a bit of a doormat here too.  I also grew up with a very domineering father that got whatever he wanted by yelling.  My mother also never stands up for herself, so I had to learn the skill of standing up for myself on my own.  It is hard, confusing and takes a long time, but I am slowly starting to be more secure in my decisions and my ability to stand up for myself and what I want.  So please understand that I know what you are going through.  We were both probably raised to put our feelings last because God forbid someone might be upset with us.  However, please don't make the same mistake both of our moms did because I know I don't want my daughter to be like this, so the cycle has to stop with me.  

Please take ECB's advice and let your husband clearly know that it is much worse to upset you than upset his mom.  

skylily

Wow. My dad yells all the time too to get his way. And you're exactly right - God forbid someone be upset with us.   ... Since my dad is currently living with me we would often meet in the kitchen as he gets ready for work and I pump. EVERY time we met he wouldnt say hi or morning - nothing but "Hows "T"s night?" It became a broken record to me. So I asked him to at least say good morning first. He immediately turned it on me saying that I'm the only daughter that gets ticked off about grandpa asking about his grandson.  Its all my fault. Its not him.

I think I need personal counseling. DH and I have problems, and I have problems with my family, too. When I was pregnant with DS I BEGGED God to give me a son so I wouldn't have to teach a girl to be a girl - with the backseat and the inequality. Here comes #2 and I'm still begging for a son. No one gets why. I' start looking for a therapist today.

R.Wilsonny

Yes, therapy for yourself is good, but absolutely you must see someone with your H too. What he is doing is so wrong and it's not right for you to be the one constantly getting walked all over. Biting your tongue time and time again to keep the peace leads to resentment. And resentment in a relationship is like a cancer - you need to put an end to it before it ruins your marriage.

Disneygeek77

It doesn't matter if you have a boy or a girl,  your husband is teaching them it is ok to be a bully and you are teaching how to be a doormat.  Neither is a healthy way for a child.

Listen, you are a momma now and your child's health and well being is more important than your MIL's feelings.  Find that inner momma bear and stand up for yourself. Model good and strong behavior for them.   I know I didn't like the idea of someone being mad / disappointed / upset with me but I eventually realized life will go on.  The world didn't end because I told my dad we won't be there for Christmas morning.  The earth didn't stop spinning on its axis because MIL and SIL cried because we told them to knock it off.  My husband's head didn't explode because I told him he needs to talk to his family or I will.  I wasn't fired because I told a supervisor I didn't like the way she talked to me.  The world just kept on spinning.   Trust me, once you start standing up for yourself and don't back down, the easier it will be,  

EastCoastBride

So you have to have manners but his family doesn't? Hmmmm.... I know it won't be easy, but you do need to find a way to stand up for yourself and your child. Your DH really needs to see YOU mad.

MissZoeyK

I absolutely agree that the problem is with FI, not his family. We are already in counseling and have called off the wedding. He has not taken any responsibilty for the issues in our relationship and is just looking for someone to tell me that I am completely 100% in the wrong and at fault, which our counselor has not done.  It has been a disaster and I am contemplating moving out for the sake of my sanity and to make sure that my child has a loving home to grow up in.

MIL and SIL have continued to feed into the negativity and to fuel the flames, I know the real issue is with FI, but their involvement is not helping things at all. This is a 38 year old man we are talking about, who has been married twice before, I doubt he will ever be able to really have a successful relationship as long as he continues to allow his family to run his relationships.