husband

faithl06

 

Joy2611

Did you talk about being a stay at home mom before you were married?  Did you discuss it again when you started talking about having children?  If not, you can't be surprised by his response.  If so and this was his response, then you can't be surprised.  If yes and he was supportive, then you need to find out what is spooking him about the arrangement.

Being the sole breadwinner has to be a tremendous burden.  You deciding not to work is not just about you, it's about him, too.  He becomes the only person in the household with money coming in, health insurance for everyone, life insurance, dental insurance, etc.  His ability to work is the key to holding the whole family together.  I'd blanch under the sort of pressure, as well.

If you are serious, you need to show him that financially it makes the most sense for your family.

I also think you need to realize that perhaps this is NOT the best financial decision.  You  need to listen to his side, too.  You need to do what's best for your family (financially, emotionally), not what's best for you.

Good luck with your conversation with him.  I hope you both can reach some common ground.

SmrBrd2012

Considering you said you have a lot of bills to pay off, maybe you should work on reducing or eliminating your debts. Once you do, maybe your husband will have more peace of mind about being the breadwinner. You should of course talk about this with him prior to starting anything so you can be on the same page. Maybe you can do part time and find a compromise somewhere.

Leftie22

Well, as a SAHM, I can tell you it's not lazy to stay at home, it's hard work and exhausting. If he has that attitude, he's probably not going to support you, or he'll be the kind of husband who doesn't understand why you need a break when you've been home all day. That's a recipe for disaster. The finances are also troubling. If you can't afford to stay home, you can't. It's not easy. It has to work, you have to sit down and look at your budget, and make sure you can get by, pay for emergencies, buy all your baby stuff, etc, etc. But there's no point in making a detailed budget unless your husband is 100% on board with you staying at home. It's a decision that requires a lot of thought, planning and agreement.

TarponMonoxide

For now, concentrate on paying your bills.

Don't bring kids into a picture where you and your H are having money problems of any kind --- anybody here with kids will tell you kids always need something. And that in itself takes money.

You may change you rmind over time; for now, concentrate on paying your bills.

Work hard at that and maybe in a year or a year and a half, when things are better financially, see what you think of being a stay at home mother.  GL.

R.Wilsonny

I'm expecting my first and as much as I think I'd like to stay home, I can't. Not because we are knee deep in debt or have financial problems, but because I wouldn't want the burden of supporting all 3 of us to fall solely on my H. If I was not working, we could do it, but would barely be scraping by and I wouldn't want my H to have that burden to bear. Plus, I wouldn't want to give up a career that I worked so hard for. (just my personal preference - I have much respect for anyone that chooses to stay home to raise their children)

OP, not everyone has the luxury of being a SAHM. If you and your H have debts going into this whole parenting thing, then it would be very unwise for you to stay home and I think very unfair for you to expect your H to be the sole one responsible for bringing in money. Even if you at least worked part time, that would be better, so you aren't left struggling financially. I highly suggest trying to pay off as much of your existing debt as possible before having a baby too so at least it's one less thing to worry about. Babies do cost money too, so consider that added expense in your budget before you think you want to leave your H to cover everything $wise.

magsugar13

did you not discuss this before you got married?

Sillygirl45

I'll be honest here. We don't have kids. We aren't going to have kids. I started working "part time" 3 years ago. It's not really part time because I pick up as many hours as I can...but...H works 50+ hours a week and doesn't want to deal with contractors, bills, grocery shopping, etc... So, we make it work.

The thing is, you need to have clear expectations and responsibilities for each person. If your H is against you being a SAHM, what is he willing to do so you can work and maintain a home? 

Now that being said, did you not talk about this before marriage? H and I never wanted kids, but we still had a discussion (before we were married) that I would work part time/maybe SAHM if it happened. 

EastCoastBride

How much have you and your DH REALLY talked about this?  There are a whole lot of "thinks" in your post.  What about "knows"?  Outside of the $$ (which IS a very valid concern), talk to him about what other issues are on his mind. 

And I fully agree- if he does actually see being a SAHM mom as being "lazy", he's going to be that ass of a DH who is totally unsupportive and who will probably do the minimum to help you w/ the kid.  Because he'll see himself as the person doing "all the work" while you sit at home doing "nothing".   Be careful of this.

But truly- I too wonder if you actually talked about this before getting married or not.

TarponMonoxide

If you've discussed this extensively before marriage, it could be he simply has changed his mind.

Wait for your financial legs to get solidified. THen see what you think, in a few more years. You may not be interested in being a stay at home mother anymore; you never know.

BulgariHeart

The way I see it, being a SAH parent is a luxury, either you can afford to be one or you can't. If your H has legitimate financial concerns regarding the situation then I would say he's right. This assuming there are no other reasons for being against it, of course.

Edited typos

SiJoHa

faithl06 said:

He says it's the money but I think it's more than that. I think he thinks it's because he thinks I don't want to work. He thinks it's lazy of me to want this. I don't even know what to say to him. Am I the only one with a husband who thinks this way?

I really can't tell from this--did he actually SAY that he thinks you're lazy for wanting to do this? And while I agree there are big things you should sort out before marriage--kids vs. no kids, for example--things like being a SAHM are pretty subjective until you actually become a parent. I know not everyone would agree but there are many variables that change--finances, desire to stay home once you see what it is going to take, desire to work part-time when you thought you'd go full-time; even having a child with a disability and realizing someone will HAVE to stay home when both parents were set to work. I think the bigger issue here is to get your finances in order. If there are expenses to be cut, debt to pay off, do it. Talk to other parents in your area and determine two different budgets, maybe even three--one where you both work, one where you stay home, one where your H works full time and you work part-time. And try to have an open conversation, free of blame and defensiveness, to discuss your fears and expectations. If this is impossible then you need to put off children for a bit and involve an objective third party.

moonprincessd

This sounds one sided since we don't really know what he said. I suggest sitting down and talking to him. If it is the money, get yourself in a financial position where you can be a stay at home mom. I have cousin who stays home with the kids, but can't afford too. She really should get a job, but instead they live off food stamps and she constantly complains he never helps her around the house. Dude, he has to work to feed you and two kids you can't afford! 

I want to be a stay at home mom too, but we're saving up so that it's possible for me to do that. Right now we only have a house payment. I have a part time job, husband works full time. We could probably live off just his pay, but I get bored around the house and like having the extra money. It allows us to save faster. 

Kids are a lot of work, but since it's you saying he's lazy, not him saying that's his reason, I'm going to ignore that comment for now. 

ReturnOfKuus

I don't know; I can see why he'd get pretty annoyed at the idea that you think you're entitled to stay home while he goes to work to foot the bill just because you have a vagina. 

Tofumonkey

Oh my god Kuus, I have shredded carrots ALL OVER my computer screen now.

(my husband is a stay at home Dad)

Reilly626

I was able to take one year off to raise my twins. I will tell you it's rewarding and wonderful but it's more work Than reporting to a job! You miss adult interaction and being a professional. My twins flourish in daycare, they started at 13 months old and are amazing. I loved giving them a year and the influence shows but I'm glad I got back to my career as hard as it is to manage a family and career we will reap the benefits when it comes to travel college and retirement. I'd recommend asking for a year home and then going back.

MariaBend25

I agree with alot of the prior posters. I would pay off the debts asap but prioritize what you want because paying off debt, having a kid(s), and working/not working don't all coincide.

Personally, we discussed this before we got married, and my husband said what he loves about me is that I want to work if we have kids. In fact, he wouldn't have married me if all I wanted was to stay at home with the kids. I hope this isn't the case for your situation seeing that you are already married.

But if you want a compromise, I like Reilly626 and how she worked it.