Trouble in Paradise
NsonFam
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
New husband hospitalized for anxiety
I'm having such a hard time. Long story short, my husband of five months is presently hospitalized for anxiety treatment. He's always struggled with anxiety, and has been in therapy for years working on it. We had a short 4 month engagement (after 11 years of dating). The pressure of wedding planning was intense for both of us, but we made it through.
Things fell off a cliff after our wedding. Starting five days before our big day, we had major conflict with DH's brother & SIL, followed by a conflict with my aunt (who's functioned as my parents who aren't around). DH's parents are well-intentioned but uncomfortable with emotion, leading to more hurt feelings at our wedding. So, family basically became messy post-wedding.
Post wedding it was as though DH used up all his anxiety self-management was used up. In the past five months he's become consumed by his anxiety. It is a disease where the sufferer falls into themselves and becomes unable to function because of their fears. I understand this and feel awful for DH. But it seriously sucks to be deceived, outright lied out, be responsible for every task in our lies, and basically have a husband who can't function. I'm married to someone who hurt my feelings all the time right now and cannot stop themselves.
Three weeks ago DH was hospitalized after my immense prodding. I'm super proud of him. I'm also having a very hard time with how not "newlywed!" my life is. People keep saying how wonderful married life is and asking if I'm having such a great time. I don't even know what to say. It's hard for me to identify any point of my life that's going well right now.
DH's anxiety treatment and being out on disability has strapped our finances beyond what we can pay. Our fragile family relationship have left me feeling somewhat isolated. I'm support to be completing graduate school this semester, but I'm on leave because DH needs everything I can give right now. I'm struggling to let go of my anger over the ways he's hurt me with anxious acting out.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Re: New husband hospitalized for anxiety
Get yourself to a social worker or mental health professional.
You're in a tender spot: you are having problems with his family and you are also having problems with your H.
Get this off your chest immediately; you are also coping with being attached to somebody who has what is more or less a chronic illness.
If his family is the kind where you have to walk on eggs around them, it is better if you have little or no contact with them. They are adding more wood to the fire.
I do not know what you can do about your H's actions toward you -- I don't know if it is his anxiety or if he is deliberately manipulating you; this is why I think it's a good idea to see a social worker or some other mental health professional. It's a lot on your plate, especially during what's supposed to be the honeymoon period and newlywed period where you and he are supposed to be adjusting to each other.
H had anxiety before we got engaged, mostly stemming from uncertainty with his future career plans (long story short: he didn't get into grad school, had to take 2 years off). After numerous ER trips and trying various medications, he finally went to a psychologist (or psychiatrist, can't remember which one). He was also started on a new medication that treated the anxiety in the long term (not a benzo but an antipsychotic). TBH, I think the cognitive therapy was way more beneficial than the medication therapy. One of the things may be that your H hasn't found a counselor that fits with him--H went through 2 before he found one.
I'm also having a very hard time with how not "newlywed!" my life is. People keep saying how wonderful married life is and asking if I'm having such a great time. I don't even know what to say. It's hard for me to identify any point of my life that's going well right now.
When you say the part I C&P'd--I've learned that as much as you picture newlywed life to be magical, romantic, and fascinating, life continues after the wedding. It starts/continues immediately after the wedding. Life keeps happening despite the wonderful wedding day. The "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" doesn't have a delayed timeline of 10-15-50 years down the road. It starts the minute you take your vows. Tough love moment--life happens, either roll with it and deal or cave to pressure and give up. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it takes work to be wonderful. Marriage has peaks and valleys--it's what you do to get through that valley that determines how you feel during and after the struggle.
See somebody in social services in the town where you live; there are magnificent resources available to those on a very fixed income. There should be a food pantry available; look into using it.
I don't know what your insurance coverage is but see somebody in the social services department in the facility where your H is. It may be possible to get charity care to pay for the extent of his stay in that hospital.
If it turns out that whatever it is that is the problem with your H is not related to his anxiety problem, that's a horse of another color. Is he the one who lied? If the lying he did is extrinsic of his issue with anxiety, you'll have to find a way to cope with the lie and find a solution, also.
I don't know what the lie was about but to me, a lie is a lie. And you're going to have to decide where you want to go from here.