fight over (future) kids- now husband may not want them at all

LuckyLemons

I'm going to try and keep this quick....

A little background: My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, however we've been together (and living together) for just under 10 years. We own a house together with two dogs. I am 29, he is 31. I have always wanted children. I have always worked with them, babysat etc. All I've ever wanted was to start a family. My husband has never voiced not wanting children. We've had discussions about our future kids, talked about renovating our home to make more room for kids etc. Every time the topic comes up of having children it quickly escalates into an argument, usually with me ending up in tears. He always claims he isn't ready, there are always reasons, bigger house, more savings, waiting to further career. In my opinion, life continues after children. You can continue to grow in your job with children, it's not the end but the beginning. I only bring it up every 5-6 months and do my best to talk about it as little as possible to avoid being accused of "pressuring him" or incessantly talking about babies.... and I believe I do a good job, but I still get accused of both of those things when it does come up (last time I brought it up before last night was August). 

Speaking of August, I finally got him to kind of agree to not "not trying"... if that makes sense. Basically, we wouldn't actively be trying to get pregnant, but we wouldn't be actively trying not to either. We have not had sex since then. We have fooled around only twice but not intercourse at all. Last night I brought it up, asking if something was wrong etc etc. He claimed no, and that he thought things were improving. We haven't been fighting or not getting along, we just haven't been having sex. I finally asked if it had to do with my idea to "not try not to get pregnant" and he voiced he was afraid to get my pregnant... que the baby talk. I asked if that could really be the worst thing, what are you waiting for, I told him several times it seemed like he didn't even want kids, he kept saying "I didn't say that" but wasn't denying it either. So finally, I say "Do you want children?" He couldn't look at me and stayed silent. I waited about a minute before breaking down sobbing, ran the bathroom, hopped in the shower and cried some more. I ended up going straight to bed, and this morning left before he woke up. He called this morning to see where I went but no mention of last night. 

I'm not really sure where to go from here. It's obvious we need to talk more, but I feel like he's going to kind of put it off some more, say yeah eventually etc etc. He said it feels like too much pressure, and even added in that we only got engaged/married (after 6 years of living together) because of the pressure and doesn't even believe in marriage and this is feeling the same... mind you, I barely pressured him. He must be referring to friends/family etc etc asking "when are you getting married? when are you having kids" etc... he has no idea I get asked almost daily by everyone I've even met (and even strangers!). 

Help!!

moonprincessd

I suggest counseling. There's so much going on here and most of what I can suggest should have happened before getting married. You should have had the kid talk before the marriage. Do you want kids? How many? When? etc... all of that before the wedding. If he didn't want to get married, then that should have been discussed before the wedding. Did he ever tell you he never wanted to get married? If so and you ended up getting married anyway, that was a mistake. 

It's too late now, so you need to go to counseling, find out if he plans on ever having kids, if not, decide if that's a deal breaker, and move on. 

LuckyLemons

You're 100% right. It should have been discussed. The problem is, we did, in an informal way. He said he did want kids, just not right away, which was fine with me. But not that's it's getting closer, he's changing his mind, not giving straight answers etc. I told him If he had told me he didn't want children, I would not have married him. He knows how badly I've always wanted them. Thanks for your input. I think you're right about the counseling. That may be the best option, as I really have NO idea what to even say to him right now.  

ReturnOfKuus

It does sound like he assumed he'd want to have children because that's what people do after they grow up, get married, and get settled in their careers.  A lot of people assume that, and are correct.  It turns out he was one of the ones that wasn't.  This is hard.

anabelle24

What if in 10 years he still isn't ready? Are you willing not to have children just to have him in your life?

I am 29 and starting over at the moment. It hasn't been easy, but I know what I want now and I do feel like I have wasted time in the past accomodating other people's / my ex's needs and not thinking of my own.

In this particular case, I personally would have hated not getting a straight answer after tip toeing around the subject year after year, or having my H make excuses or even accuse me of putting pressure when he knew how desperately I wanted kids from the get go. At any point in time he could've just been straight forward and told you he was terrified about the idea, which IS completely normal and IS something a lot of people go through.

Counselling might help because he might realize then that he needs to be straight forward and identify his fears and see if it's something he thinks he can work through or risk losing you.

I personally think people who both want children should be together -- there are plenty of men and women who do not want any, and they can be together. No one should have to sacrifice themselves in this process. Life is too short to live it in a matter where you will ultimately find yourself full of regrets when you're old and looking back.

Disneygeek77

I would try counseling first, but I think you also have to do a lot of soul searching here too.  What if he just doesn't want kids ? Considering the fact that you haven't had sex in almost 6 months because he is afraid of you getting pregnant, it is pretty clear he doesn't want kids.   What will you do ?  

In my opinion,  you should have kids with someone else that wants to have kids.  I know two grown men that will have lifelong esteem issues because their fathers made it clear they didn't want children but only did so to make their mom's happy.  I know it is cruel for a father to say something like that, but it happens.  In moments of anger and frustration it happens.  

TarponMonoxide

A man just does not stop having sex.

Either he's got a psychological issue tied up in this because he thinks you might get pregnant or there is something else in addition to that going on.

Have you addressed this issue with him? If not, you need to do it and do it now.

You and he need to have a heart to heart talk about having a family -- don't do it now; do it in about a month.

if it turns out he does not want a family, you'll either have to decide if you can live with that or you can say goodbye and move on. The choice is yours.

GilliC

People change. If you had asked me when I got married, I probably would have said that I wanted kids eventually. But the older I get, the less I want them.

I agree with everyone else that you should consider counseling and begin evaluating what you would do if he doesn't want kids. If he doesn't, you will need to decide which is more important to you: your husband or having children.

Leftie22

The absolute worst thing you could do here is to get pregnant. I would go even further and say that having a child with someone who doesn't REALLY want one is one of the worst things you can do to a child. You are getting a clear answer from him, you just don't want to see it. If you wait for him to man up and say "I don't want to have kids", you could be waiting forever, and have missed your chance. If he really wanted kids, you would know. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I was in the same position and wasted so much time trying to get the guy to just admit he didn't want kids. He never admitted it, but we had all the same issues you're having. I had to cut my losses and move on. I met my DH when I was 31, and one of the first things I told him was that I knew I wanted kids, so if he didn't, I didn't want to waste either or our time. I'm SO, SO glad that I waited for the right guy before having kids. Kids are tough, even when you want them, and you absolutely need a partner who is 100% on board. If he isn't, you're going to end up doing everything, resenting your DH and giving your kid a deadbeat dad who doesn't treat them the way they deserve. I'm sorry, but I don't think your H wants kids. Do not force him or convince him to have them. Either accept that you won't have kids, or find a person who really wants to be a father. I know how much this sucks, but your life would suck even more if you had kids with someone who doesn't want them. Kids aren't stupid, and they can tell when they aren't wanted.

Leftie22

And p.s. Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who was excited to marry you, not someone who says they were pressured into it?? That's an awful thing to say. I think he's got some serious issues with being committed. You and your future babies deserve excitement and participation in the future! It sounds like you and your H have completely different values. You can spend time trying to change his values, but I suspect it would be a waste of time. It's better to find someone who shares your values in the first place, so you both agree on what's important in your lives.

Leftie22

Disneygeek77 said:

I would try counseling first, but I think you also have to do a lot of soul searching here too.  What if he just doesn't want kids ? Considering the fact that you haven't had sex in almost 6 months because he is afraid of you getting pregnant, it is pretty clear he doesn't want kids.   What will you do ?  

In my opinion,  you should have kids with someone else that wants to have kids.  I know two grown men that will have lifelong esteem issues because their fathers made it clear they didn't want children but only did so to make their mom's happy.  I know it is cruel for a father to say something like that, but it happens.  In moments of anger and frustration it happens.  

I couldn't agree with this more! I know a guy now who didn't want kids but did it for his wife, and his kids already have serious self-esteem issues. I can't believe the things he says in front of them and how he treats them. The younger boy actually calls the older boy "dad". It's just heartbreaking.

2013gj

My heart goes out to you! It seems your husband has really strung you along on this. I also don't think it's fair for people to tell you you guys should have discussed this prior to getting married, because it sounds like you did, since you said you both discussed your future kids, and even talked about renovating the house for more room for kids. 

BUT, now that you know how he really feels, you should NOT try and force him to have kids with you. he will resent you, and possibly the child, and that is no good for anyone. 

 It doesn't sound like he just has the normal jitters about it, he's been with you TEN years and does not want a family with you. I know that is hard to hear, but you need to stay strong and think about your options. 

You're only 29, you have plenty of time to find someone who wants to be your partner in having kids, and i think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband on whether it is best if you two divorce if you do not have the same life goals (kids). 

Tofumonkey

It sounds like you two need to work on how you communicate. You shouldn't have topics in your marriage that make you walk on eggshells. You've not brought it up since August? Why? And then when you did talk to him about it you ran to the bathroom and sobbed, then didn't speak to him until some point in the next day? How do you think that made him feel? How would you feel if someone did that to you when you were trying to talk to them and be honest with them?

Maybe counseling would help you two through this - but what you need most is a full on open, honest conversation. Plan it with him. Tell him that look, you really need to talk about this, get it out in the open and figure out what you want to do because it isn't fair for you to walk on eggshells or to keep hoping on something nor is it fair to him to have you avoiding a topic and making something like this so dramatic. Sunday night we'll have dinner and then we are going to sit down and have a hard, honest conversation about this and go from there.

Give him warning that this conversation is coming so he isn't blindsided and he can think things through as well. Sit on your own and actually think things through. What if he doesn't ever want kids. Is that your breaking point? What if you two tried but couldn't actually have kids? 

When you talk to him actually talk with him, not at him. Find out what his reservations actually are. Does he fear the financial impact of you being a stay at home parent? Does he fear the impact to your lifestyles? Does he fear having unruly, awful children and a home full of yelling and frustration? Does he fear having to plan out the future of said kids? There are many reasons people change their minds on kids - but you've not actually talked to him about these. Don't brush off his concerns or offer an immediate solution to each - his feelings and concerns are just as valid as yours.

However, you are 29 and if you need to start over with someone new you don't have that much time - this isn't fair to be dragging this out. 

It's not going to be an easy conversation, but it is definitely a conversation worth having.

Disneygeek77

Tofumonkey said:

It sounds like you two need to work on how you communicate. You shouldn't have topics in your marriage that make you walk on eggshells. You've not brought it up since August? Why? And then when you did talk to him about it you ran to the bathroom and sobbed, then didn't speak to him until some point in the next day? How do you think that made him feel? How would you feel if someone did that to you when you were trying to talk to them and be honest with them?

Maybe counseling would help you two through this - but what you need most is a full on open, honest conversation. Plan it with him. Tell him that look, you really need to talk about this, get it out in the open and figure out what you want to do because it isn't fair for you to walk on eggshells or to keep hoping on something nor is it fair to him to have you avoiding a topic and making something like this so dramatic. Sunday night we'll have dinner and then we are going to sit down and have a hard, honest conversation about this and go from there.

Give him warning that this conversation is coming so he isn't blindsided and he can think things through as well. Sit on your own and actually think things through. What if he doesn't ever want kids. Is that your breaking point? What if you two tried but couldn't actually have kids? 

When you talk to him actually talk with him, not at him. Find out what his reservations actually are. Does he fear the financial impact of you being a stay at home parent? Does he fear the impact to your lifestyles? Does he fear having unruly, awful children and a home full of yelling and frustration? Does he fear having to plan out the future of said kids? There are many reasons people change their minds on kids - but you've not actually talked to him about these. Don't brush off his concerns or offer an immediate solution to each - his feelings and concerns are just as valid as yours.

However, you are 29 and if you need to start over with someone new you don't have that much time - this isn't fair to be dragging this out. 

It's not going to be an easy conversation, but it is definitely a conversation worth having.

I have to agree with this, especially the bolded part.  You will never get an honest answer from him if this is your reaction.  If you truly want to know where his heart lies on having children, you will have to hold yourself together and talk to him about it.  

Yes, it is ok to be very upset if he admits he doesn't want children, but it is for the best.  Again, you have to know the truth and your reaction to how he feels about children isn't going to change his mind. 

Maybride2

I truly don't see a need for counseling here. There's not much to talk about - you want kids, he doesn't. No, he does not want kids - everything that he has done and said for the last 3 years points to it. The point of counseling isn't to convince someone to want something that they don't really want. And I promise you that you don't want to have kids with someone who isn't absolutely as on board with the decision as you are; being a parent is hard enough, dragging someone along who doesn't want to do it will ruin everyone's lives. You have your answer - he doesn't want kids. Not this year, not next year, not ever. YOU have to decide what you want more - children or marriage to him - because there's no good way to have both.

Sillygirl45

@Tofumonkey has great advice. I feel you need to actually hear what he really wants, and that's the way to go about it.

I've never really wanted kids. I have been in relationships where the guys have been like "oh, ok" and then gradually tried to convince me I will want kids. My lack of desire to have kids wasn't so much the deal breaker as the lack of respect for my position. Even if someone really wanted to have kids, I am ok with an honest conversation, but the trying to convince me what I wanted just pissed me off. 

That being said, I am so sorry your H wasn't upfront with his feelings. I'd like to say maybe he just wasn't sure at the time, but I have a feeling he was just afraid to tell the truth. 

Please don't be afraid to move on and find what you want. I know it is very hard to do that at this point, but please don't waste your time if this is a deal breaker. You were so very young when you started this relationship. I'm 38. I was 32 when I met my H and 34 (and 51 weeks) when I married. You have plenty of time! Really, you have plenty of time...

 

DaringMiss

TofuMonkey is right on the money with her advice.  See a marriage counselor for an impartial person to walk you guys through this very sensitive subject.  Maybe he doesn't want kids, maybe he is afraid of the responsibility.  You will also need to examine why you do want children.  Then you guys can talk together about making the choice together.

Honestly, he is voting with his penis.  You may need to accept that he doesn't want to be a father and that you will need to move on to another relationship with someone who does.