I am NOT Mrs.Husband'sName

daisy662

First world problems. I can't imagine being offended by something like this.

sprky79

You know, if you had just done what you wanted with your name instead of letting yourself get railroaded into a different choice, none of this would be bothering you right now.  I hyphenated my name.  My husband put up a stink for about .02 seconds until I informed him that this WAS me changing my name, and it was the only change he was getting.  Why did you change your name?  If your husband was as supportive as you would have us believe, you would done what you wished with your name.

nursecramer

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Exactly this. Kuus, you're overreacting, as usual. It is appropriate to refer to yourself as Dr. whatever (for PhD holders) in professional settings. In social settings, the appropriate address is still Mrs. Lastname. Regardless of gender-- H also goes by Mr. Lastname socially.

GilliC

nursecramer said:

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Exactly this. Kuus, you're overreacting, as usual. It is appropriate to refer to yourself as Dr. whatever (for PhD holders) in professional settings. In social settings, the appropriate address is still Mrs. Lastname. Regardless of gender-- H also goes by Mr. Lastname socially.

ZOMG! You're going to burn in etiquette hell!!!!

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence 

A woman who outranks her husband: professional or educational degree:
Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly

ah625

GilliC said:

nursecramer said:

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Exactly this. Kuus, you're overreacting, as usual. It is appropriate to refer to yourself as Dr. whatever (for PhD holders) in professional settings. In social settings, the appropriate address is still Mrs. Lastname. Regardless of gender-- H also goes by Mr. Lastname socially.

ZOMG! You're going to burn in etiquette hell!!!!

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence 

A woman who outranks her husband: professional or educational degree:
Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly

Spouses can outrank each other? What kind of crap is that?

SmrBrd2012

ah625 said:

GilliC said:

nursecramer said:

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Exactly this. Kuus, you're overreacting, as usual. It is appropriate to refer to yourself as Dr. whatever (for PhD holders) in professional settings. In social settings, the appropriate address is still Mrs. Lastname. Regardless of gender-- H also goes by Mr. Lastname socially.

ZOMG! You're going to burn in etiquette hell!!!!

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence 

A woman who outranks her husband:
professional or educational degree:

Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly

Spouses can outrank each other? What kind of crap is that?

Professionally, yes. If we're talking etiquette.

GilliC

ah625 said:

GilliC said:

nursecramer said:

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Exactly this. Kuus, you're overreacting, as usual. It is appropriate to refer to yourself as Dr. whatever (for PhD holders) in professional settings. In social settings, the appropriate address is still Mrs. Lastname. Regardless of gender-- H also goes by Mr. Lastname socially.

ZOMG! You're going to burn in etiquette hell!!!!

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence 

A woman who outranks her husband: professional or educational degree:
Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly

Spouses can outrank each other? What kind of crap is that?

I think they worded it that way because it was right after
"A woman who outranks her husband: elected office, military rank"  
Pretty sure spouses can outrank each other in the military.

BlueBirdMB

I didn't change my name for this reason.  There is nothing wrong with the people who sent it that way though- it's the most formal way of addressing someone, so if they are trying to denote formality, that is the way to do it.  You shouldn't have changed your name if this bothered you- it's a common custom that is not rude.  

schuette2

I'm not aware of there being a limit on how many times you can change your name, so if it bothers you this much, just go have it changed to whatever the hell you want and get on with life. Whoever said it before is right: first world problems. 

Janimal

Solution:  Throw the envelope away.  Get on with your life.

pinkbury

If it's too old fashioned for you then change your last name back to your maiden name. It’s no one’s problem but your own for calling you Mrs. HisLastName because it’s the old fashioned way. Obviously you’re a feminist and you should have stuck by that in the beginning by doing what you believe it. My fiancé and I are getting married in October and though I will miss my last name (but I’ll still feel like it’s my last name lol) especially where it was my dad’s last name and he passed away when I was 7, I love my fiancé so much and have always had it in my head that I would change my last name when I got married. I don’t mind being called Mrs. HisFirst HisLastName since I feel that we will be like ‘one’ anyways J<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Janimal

pinkbury said:

" Obviously you’re a feminist"

Um, you say that like its a bad thing. 

If you aren't a feminist you get a side-eye from me: 

fem·i·nist

/ˈfɛmənɪst/ Show Spelled [fem-uh-nist] Show IPA

adjective Sometimes, fem·i·nis·tic.

1.

advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

noun

2.

an advocate of such rights.

 

SmrBrd2012

I really don't understand why so many people are hating on the OP. She said it was a pet peeve, not that it was the end of the world. I agree with her. While I took H's last name with no reservations, it is a little annoying to have your identity stripped from you when being referred to as Mr. HisFirst HisLast Name. Why can't the etiquette be to recognize the woman with her own name or recognize neither first name and address it as Mr and Mrs HisLastName? I really don't see why that's so much to ask other than that tradition and formality dictates that the man comes first in the partnership. Yeah, I know I'm being a little dramatic and no, I'll never call anyone out on addressing me that way but it still bothers me a little.

BlueBirdMB

SmrBrd2012 said:

I really don't understand why so many people are hating on the OP. She said it was a pet peeve, not that it was the end of the world. I agree with her. While I took H's last name with no reservations, it is a little annoying to have your identity stripped from you when being referred to as Mr. HisFirst HisLast Name. Why can't the etiquette be to recognize the woman with her own name or recognize neither first name and address it as Mr and Mrs HisLastName? I really don't see why that's so much to ask other than that tradition and formality dictates that the man comes first in the partnership. Yeah, I know I'm being a little dramatic and no, I'll never call anyone out on addressing me that way but it still bothers me a little.

If you simply don't change your name, your name will come first in traditional formality.  There's nothing that says you can't change you your name.  The traditions of addressing aren't the issue.

L3Birdies

I understand your frustration. As far as your brother-in-law, some people are very particular about the formality of the save the dates and invitations which includes that greeting of Mr. & Mrs. Husband's Last name. Honestly, they probably just printed them all up for everyone and it didn't cross their mind. Not because you're not important, but because there was so much on their minds. I can assure you they definitely didn't mean to offend you.

schuette2

I'm just curious, did you ever get past the envelope to what was inside it? 

dancinxqueen324

I completely agree!  I don't necessarily get offended, but I do find it a little annoying.  That's not my name!

saltyfins

dbanana said:

Has anyone else dealt with this issue? I'm sure there is a little overreacting on my part, but is there a polite way to state that I do not prefer for others to refer to me as this? For most people, I don't really care, because them referring to myself and my husband as such is a rarity. But for my BIL and his future wife, I feel like they should be made aware in some way. 

For me, the only people who addressed mail like that were our grandparents. They are just old-fashioned and traditional and it didn't bother me coming from them.

If everyone did it, all the time, on everything, then yes. It would annoy the crap outta me.

I think you should just talk to BIL about it. I'm sure he'll understand : )

olafssonprime

My wife and I have separate last names. My last name is "Ólafsson", because my dad's name is Ólafur. This naming convention is common practice in Iceland (which is where I come from). Had my wife taken my last name, she would, in effect, have been renamed as the son of my father (which is twisted on a few different levels). She still pushed the issue at the time, as taking the husband's last name is the norm in Denmark (where she's from) but I wouldn't let her do it! Now we both agree that having a family of four, with four different last names (Ólafsson, Andersen, Brynjólfsson and Brynjólfsdóttir) is kind of cool. 

Going back to the topic of the original post (kind of), it kind of bugs me when people refer to my wife as Mrs. Ólafsson.

GilliC

olafssonprime said:

My wife and I have separate last names. My last name is "Ólafsson", because my dad's name is Ólafur. This naming convention is common practice in Iceland (which is where I come from). Had my wife taken my last name, she would, in effect, have been renamed as the son of my father (which is twisted on a few different levels). She still pushed the issue at the time, as taking the husband's last name is the norm in Denmark (where she's from) but I wouldn't let her do it! Now we both agree that having a family of four, with four different last names (Ólafsson, Andersen, Brynjólfsson and Brynjólfsdóttir) is kind of cool. 

Going back to the topic of the original post (kind of), it kind of bugs me when people refer to my wife as Mrs. Ólafsson.

My H's father's family is from Tamil Nadu, so his mother's and his last name is his father's first name (with no suffix). According to tradition, I should have changed my last name to his first name. I thought that would have just confused everyone. I chose to just confuse the Tamilians and took his last name.

You should have let your wife change hers to Ólafsdóttirílög!

Kildare47

I agree, it drives me nuts! I'm all for replacing "traditional etiquette" with a bit of common sense. I am not an appendage of my partner. If I decide I absolutely must use a title when addressing an envelope, I always go with the neutral "Ms." for a woman unless I know she specifically prefers otherwise. 

NoneForUs

I don't like being called by my husband's first and last name either. However, it is the traditional way to address a married couple and I know some people are conservative. While it annoys me a little bit, I have far more important things to worry about in life. 

JrsyLwyr

I didn't change my name, but it doesn't normally bother me. DH's family does it just to piss me off though, and I do resent that.

brideon082104

daisy662 said:

First world problems. I can't imagine being offended by something like this.

My thoughts exactly. What's the big deal? So don't get this 'problem' At. All.

Bubblegum5586

I also don't care at all.

RamaLamaDD

I am pretty sure that this is just the formality of the occasion.

The formal way to refer to a married couple is as "Mr and Mrs. husband"

housewifehobbyist

I hyphenated my name and I have no problem (politely) correcting incorrect addressing on invitations.  I am Ms. Firstname Mylastname-hislastname thankyouverymuch.  Mrs. & Mr. HisFirstName HisLastName bothers me a lot, like I'm nameless and could be swapped for anyone else. 

That said I have friends and family who love it, so no judgement there.  I just personally feel icky about it and defend my right to my name.

nurse714

I'm traditional for the most part so I don't see the big deal. I love to be called Mrs. H's Last Name. It's just mail. Throw the envelope away if it bothers you so much.

dutchgirl76

I didn't change my name. This bothers me the most when someone sends something to Mr. and Mrs. His (first and/or) Lastname because they know I didn't change mine.

When I got married I had to fight the invitation people (we used a company) to put Mr. and Mrs. His and Her first and last name on there. Even putting our mom's first names on the invitation was a huge production. Yeah it's "tradition" but my mom and my MIL are individual woman, not their husband. 

It's an antiquated tradition but it's not worth getting super upset as long as it's a one time deal like a wedding invitation.

RosieC18

Meh. I wouldn't be so hard on OP. I changed my name, I didn't lose it. I find the origins of Mr. And Mrs. Hisfirst Last to be sexist and lame and it's not a construction that I use. However, I don't get upset at others who use it (even though it rubs me the wrong way to see it) because I know that's not how it's intended. Like when people say they got "gypped" I don't assume they're racist or get upset, I just inform them the origins of the word and let them know it's considered rude.

OP, I don't think there's a way you can stop people from calling you that, so for your own sake I would work on letting it go, until and unless you find an opportunity to bring up your feelings and the reason behind them in conversation.