Marriage struggling...husband talking about divorce

33Angel33

Hello Everyone,

 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two small children. I love my husband and my family. Our relationship is not easy...we are very different people and we often have disagreements. We also often see specific situations and arguments from totally different perspectives...at times it feels like we are both talking about completely different things/experiences. He recently said to me that he is not happy and he doesn't think we are meant to be together...therefore he's seriously thinking about divorce. We had a similar conversation last year and at the time we had met with a counselor 5 times. The biggest issue is that although I agree things aren't easy I am no where even thinking about divorce. I want to work at the relationship and am more than willing to do everything I can to make it work. Having said that I feel that we've had this conversation before and yet here we are. I feel like things are better and that we have good times and bad times but that we are getting better at it. He feels like nothings changed and the bad far out weighs the good. I don't know what to do what to think and just looking for other peoples thoughts, opinions, advice:)

cloudymeatballs12

I am so sorry. Are the arguments petty or actually about important issues? It could be that sometimes you start arguing and it is difficult to get out of stopping. You both have your own stresses and I'm sure that may cause some problems. Why are people always so quick to want to divorce? I will never understand that. You two got married, for better or worse, etc and he needs to step in and try to work on these things, whatever your problems may be. Well since you two have seen a counselor already, what did they have to say? Any good advice??

Leftie22

Is your H open to going to counselling again? Or is he really serious about divorce? I guess that would be where I would start. Find out if he thinks things could improve with some help, or if he really thinks it's hopeless. It's hard being married to someone who's really different from you, I can relate. I'm sort of on the opposite side, where i often feel ready to give up, but my H doesn't. He's currently in counselling and I'm still prepared to stay, if he works on some of the reoccurring issues in our relationship. If your H feels the same way, try to work it out. Unfortunately there's not much you can do if he's no longer willing to try. Sorry you're in this situation.

moonprincessd

I suggest more counseling, but in the end, sometimes divorce is one sided. That's what happened to my SIL. They went to counseling, but he still wanted out. Turned out he was seeing some girl on the side, he got married to her before they had been divorced for a year! 

SiJoHa

33Angel33 said:

Hello Everyone,

 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two small children. I love my husband and my family. Our relationship is not easy...we are very different people and we often have disagreements. We also often see specific situations and arguments from totally different perspectives...at times it feels like we are both talking about completely different things/experiences. He recently said to me that he is not happy and he doesn't think we are meant to be together...therefore he's seriously thinking about divorce. We had a similar conversation last year and at the time we had met with a counselor 5 times. The biggest issue is that although I agree things aren't easy I am no where even thinking about divorce. I want to work at the relationship and am more than willing to do everything I can to make it work. Having said that I feel that we've had this conversation before and yet here we are. I feel like things are better and that we have good times and bad times but that we are getting better at it. He feels like nothings changed and the bad far out weighs the good. I don't know what to do what to think and just looking for other peoples thoughts, opinions, advice:)

This sucks. I'm sorry. I agree with other posters--you can't make a marriage work if it's one-sided. If he's determined to go through with a divorce then counseling is a waste of time. If he is serious and doesn't see any hope of reparation, I'm a huge advocate for contacting a reputable divorce lawyer ASAP to protect yourself. Sorry to be a downer but you'll need to start preemptively working out a settlement, child support, and custody issues.

GilliC

Did counseling help at all last time? If so, maybe you could point that out as encouragement to try again.

Unfortunately, as others have said, it does require two people to fix things. If he really refuses to try, there's not much you can do to fix things on your side. Even if you think there are things you can change to smooth things over, it will never be a healthy long-term solution unless you're both working to change.

Sillygirl45

Many people have a really hard time when their kids are little. This sounds like more than that though. I'm just chiming in to agree with pp's. 

Hopefully your H will give it another shot and try counseling again (if it helped) but you don't want to be I a marriage alone. If he's done, he's done. 

Either way I very much second talking to an attorney and making sure you are financially protected.

33Angel33

Yes I think counselling helped...things did get better. I get the sense that he may not agree. But I'm hopeful that he will try counselling again. The last time I have to admit I felt very angry about what I felt was him forcing us to go to counselling by that I mean that I had totally felt unprepared for his sudden (at least I felt it was sudden) unhappiness in the marriage. I felt totally betrayed that this man who had made a commitment to me for better or for worse was looking at  giving up...tossing in the towel. At the time some really horrible things were happening at work and I felt like it was totally selfish of him to choose that time to begin to withdraw from the relationship. 

We actually went to only three sessions together and then one each alone. At the end of each session I felt like we were able to address some key issues. I felt like I made some changes...he made some changes and things got better. We kinda stopped going cause things were better....and yet here we are again.

My big issue is I want to be a good wife...I want to make him happy...but he's made it clear that that's not happening. We had a good chat a couple of nights ago about the fact that he doesn't even feel like I love him (lack of affection..etc) he also talked about not feeling valued in the relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and I know that I have emotional baggage from those experiences. I show a lot of physical affection to my kids I'm not super touchy feely with my husband. Overall I guess I'm not a super warm person either. My goal is to try to show him how I feel in a more physical way and to access some counselling myself. At this point these are the things that I control. He talks about the good times not lasting...I'm hopeful that these things can a least help me to try to make the good times all the time. I think our marriage is like every other marriage with highs and lows...you work at things they get better...day to day life kicks in and people are less patient less loving and then you need to reset and put effort back into the relationship. That's not how my husband see's it...either that or this isn't what's happening to us and I just can't see it. Thanks for all the comments it's great to get the feedback and support:)

As I said earlier I really want to stay in this relationship...one day at a time:)

Sillygirl45

It sounds like you shouldn't have stopped counseling. Whether the marriage works or not, I would encourage you to continue counseling.  

It also sounds like there were issues that should have been dealt with before marriage. Let's be honest though, who doesn't have issues and there is no perfect marriage. However, hindsight is 20/20. 

Again, please make sure you are taken care of financially. Just trust me, you never know.

As far as trying to be a "good wife" and making him happy...you can't. No one can make someone else happy. Maybe part if it is your baggage, maybe some of it is him, it doesn't really matter.

The best advice I ever received was about an ex. I was always trying to figure out if the problem was him or me, the advice I got was..."It doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel. If it's not right for you...it doesn't matter what "normal" is. What matters is if you're happy or not...and you're pretty easy to make happy." I'm telling you this advice literally changed my life. It opened a lot of doors to me thinking about what I wanted. Not what everyone else wanted from me. Think on it a bit. Maybe this isn't really how you want to live the rest of your life either.

If you do decide to give it your all, then you've still done all you can. Good luck!

chrisnjay05212010

I agree with the others that i would try counseling again if he is willing.  It might be something you would benefit from for a longer period of time. Unfortunately though if he isn't willing I wouldn't fight him on it, you cant make a marriage work with only one party vested in it.  You deserve better than that.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

TarponMonoxide

33Angel33 said:

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two small children. I love my husband and my family. Our relationship is not easy...we are very different people and we often have disagreements. We also often see specific situations and arguments from totally different perspectives...at times it feels like we are both talking about completely different things/experiences.

Didn't you and he address this issue of communication and how to solve a problem successfully, together before you got married? I am sure the communication issue just didn't happen after you got married.

Communication is key. it is not bad in itself if you and he have 2 different ways of addressing things but what matters is how you address the problem together and resolve the issue jointly.

He recently said to me that he is not happy and he doesn't think we are meant to be together...therefore he's seriously thinking about divorce.

This is where I smell a big fat rat.  I am wondering if he has somebody in the wings.

We had a similar conversation last year and at the time we had met with a counselor 5 times. The biggest issue is that although I agree things aren't easy I am no where even thinking about divorce. I want to work at the relationship and am more than willing to do everything I can to make it work. Having said that I feel that we've had this conversation before and yet here we are. I feel like things are better and that we have good times and bad times but that we are getting better at it. He feels like nothings changed and the bad far out weighs the good. I don't know what to do what to think and just looking for other peoples thoughts, opinions, advice:)

Something isn't right here. I still think he may be having an affair and is all set to check out, with the person waiting in the wings.

If you and he cannot agree on pursuing the marriage, bad news. And when a guy says he does not wish to be married, bad news too.

phillywife2007

I sympathize with you and was in a similar situation about a year ago. We split and a couple weeks into it I realized how much I loved him and our life together, so I went to him and poured my heart out and insisted we give another try but completely restructured everything about our relationship to make us both happier. So, I suggest having a serious discussion with him, free of distractions and tell him how you truly feel about him, the relationship and your life together. If he expresses he is unhappy whole heartedly, then I think you have to consider your wants/needs and next move if the relationship won't work.

33Angel33

How did you restructure your relationship? What did that look like?