Verge of divorce... need help!!

Jole5653

My now estranged husband and i are on the verge of divorce.  We cant connect personally, emotionally, let alone physically..  About two and a half years ago, he cheated, and i have tried and tried to move passed it.  I spent a few months in counseling to help myself with it, and i fear that happened to late. My husband now resents me for not understanding him, and has lost sight of the bigger picture; our marriage and the meaning of it.  My head tells me its over, but my heart doesnt want to believe it and i find myself still reaching for hope..

Any advice/ideas/concerns/ success stories would help immensely.... 

Tofumonkey

I'm sorry to say it, but this doesn't sound like something worth saving to me. Two and a half years ago (which is actually a pretty long time) he cheated on you. You tried to move past it but you can't (fair enough) so you have been stringing him along for two and a half years with a 'maybe I'll trust you again' when in reality you won't. It's not fair to either of you.

I'd go through with the divorce. There are plenty of men in the world that are worth spending your life partnered with that won't cheat on you, that you can trust and that you can be happy with. I know it hurts to let this go - but you are estranged right now already. Is it not just the idea of marriage that you are still hanging on to, rather than actually him?

R.Wilsonny

Yea, I can understand wanting to try to salvage the marriage, but the bottom line is your H broke the ultimate level of trust and his vows to you. For me, and I think many other people, cheating is the ultimate deal breaker. There are plenty of men out there that would never do something like this, so I feel like you deserve so much better than to constantly be worried if your H will do it again. I give OP credit for trying but it seems like things have run their course in this situation.

cloudymeatballs12

I agree with the PPs. Cheating is my deal breaker. I know myself and I know that I would never be able to move passed it regardless of how hard I tried and wanted to. So sorry you had to go thru this, and that's great you tried. I think you may be better off throwing in the towel. I am the last person to say to divorce, but since this would be my reason, well.... You deserve a man who wouldn't want to cheat and be with another woman regardless of how or whatever he is going thru. He broke your vows.

TarponMonoxide

Jole5653 said:

My now estranged husband and i are on the verge of divorce.  We cant connect personally, emotionally, let alone physically..  About two and a half years ago, he cheated, and i have tried and tried to move passed it.  I spent a few months in counseling to help myself with it, and i fear that happened to late. My husband now resents me for not understanding him, and has lost sight of the bigger picture; our marriage and the meaning of it.  My head tells me its over, but my heart doesnt want to believe it and i find myself still reaching for hope..

Any advice/ideas/concerns/ success stories would help immensely.... 

More -- much more -- backstory would help.

I am sure there is more to it than just the fact that he had an affair.

We don't know the backstory but wow, from what you have described, what you and he have is an apocalyptic shambles.

Why didn't he go to counseling?

Have you talked to him?

Sit down and ask him if he is still interested in being married to you and if so, he needs to work on the marriage with you.

If he won't go to counseling, maybe it's better if you call it quits and just file.  It's never a good sign if a spouse won't go to counseling and do so willingly and enthusiastically.

Jole5653

I have talked to my H about counseling and he refuses because he knows that the counselor will delve into his past, his childhood, and more or less his reason for cheating in the first place. Its hard for me to say publically, but lets just say that my H is "confused".. and my reasoning for not moving passed it was because the OP never left the picture. They, to this day, are still friends and in fact, they now work together.. After that i always felt second in his book and constructive communication became obsolete. And then came baby just to add to it all. My H then started drinking heavily and I refused to have any conversation with him while he was drunk. There wasnt a point. He wouldnt remember it afterwards. Then he would go to the bar with my then best friend (i dont believe pregnant women should be in bars to begin with). The more those two hung out, the more our marriage strained, and the more comminication went out the window. After our son was born, and after we bought our first home, it came out that he cheated again, somebody new and no it wasn't my then best friend. Although in the same process I stopped being friends with her; she was very toxic and very against me at that point. She told my H that it was my fault he cheated and that if I was more of an open book then he wouldn't have needed to. This added to more strain between my H and I.. I ended up kicking him out and went and stayed on her couch for the last 5 months.. Just recently, Miss Friend ( we will name her) moved back home to New England, and my H is on my couch now. And this is what I am having a problem with. Our biggest issue is communication and we have never hashed out the pain and the hurt from the first infidelity, let alone the abandonment of that toxic friendship, and the second infidelity. I know for a fact that counseling will put us back on the same page. We both have expressed to each other that baby steps will get us both to a place where we can talk about everything. But how long do I wait? Should I wait at all? Is it worth it?

Sillygirl45

How would counseling put you back on the same page? He doesn't want to put the effort into fixing this relationship. You stated he resents you for not understanding him. I don't get the feeling he is "confused" (and yes, I'm pretty sure I know what you mean). I think he knows exactly what he wants and does not have the integrity to come out and tell you. He's being extremely unfair to you.

It's time to call it a day here and move on. There is no magic wand. I strongly suspect counseling isn't going to fix what is wrong. I've seen nothing in your posts that suggests he is the least bit interested in this marriage. 

Please get yourself back into therapy. This has gone on too long. You deserve to be happy and show your child a good example. This really is a dysfunctional mess. You deserve better.

R.Wilsonny

Jeez, OP, when you said your H cheated, I didn't realize it happened more than once. Once, I could maybe, MAYBE, see forgiving and trying to work things out, but twice? His ass should have been kicked to the curb. No amount of counseling is going to fix this, sorry to say. I'm not going to even ask why you brought a child into this mess, but I think you def should kick your H out and file because a) you deserve to be happy with someone who will treat you with respect and b) you need to set a better example for your child so they don't grow up thinking that this kind of relationship is normal.

JulienC

This is heartbreaking. I can't tell you whether you should stay with your husband or not but if you think your marriage is worth saving then you'll likely need a lot of therapy. If you feel he will continue to cheat and not only make you have a breakdown but also damage your child then it may be best to move on. But nobody knows except you what is best to do in this situation. However, I think you understand what the others are saying and perhaps they can guide you in making a final decision. I wish you luck.

TarponMonoxide

Jole5653 said:

I have talked to my H about counseling and he refuses because he knows that the counselor will delve into his past, his childhood, and more or less his reason for cheating in the first place.

Not true. I saw a counselor after my marriage dissolved and I was asked nothing about my growing up life or family life as a kid.

Your H is copping out.

 Its hard for me to say publically, but lets just say that my H is "confused".. and my reasoning for not moving passed it was because the OP never left the picture. They, to this day, are still friends and in fact, they now work together.. After that i always felt second in his book and constructive communication became obsolete.

He's confused? Gee, I guess communication got caught up in the confusion, eh?  He isn't bothering to make an effort; that's my take on it.

And then came baby just to add to it all. My H then started drinking heavily and I refused to have any conversation with him while he was drunk.

Right here is where you should have shown his drunken ass the door: Drinking is a dealbreaker and so is alcoholism.

If he is still actively drinking --- and that includes "going on the wagon"cold turkey minus the help of AA --- leave him, based on the fact he is a drunk. And do it now. Get yourself and that child away from him.

And if you planned that kiddo? A shaky marriage is no time to bring a kid into the picture.

There wasnt a point. He wouldnt remember it afterwards. Then he would go to the bar with my then best friend (i dont believe pregnant women should be in bars to begin with). The more those two hung out, the more our marriage strained, and the more comminication went out the window.

You should have left him when he started the drunken episodes.

And who knows??? Maybe that kiddo that your exBF has is your H's child.  Funny how he started taking up with her "when" she got pregnant.

After our son was born, and after we bought our first home, it came out that he cheated again, somebody new and no it wasn't my then best friend.

Fool me once --- and you stayed with him still???

You need counseling. Badly. Get it.

Although in the same process I stopped being friends with her; she was very toxic and very against me at that point. She told my H that it was my fault he cheated and that if I was more of an open book then he wouldn't have needed to. This added to more strain between my H and I.. I ended up kicking him out and went and stayed on her couch for the last 5 months..

Why didn't you make sure he stayed GONE?


Just recently, Miss Friend ( we will name her) moved back home to New England, and my H is on my couch now. And this is what I am having a problem with.

So am I! Why isn't he out the door for good????

Our biggest issue is communication and we have never hashed out the pain and the hurt from the first infidelity, let alone the abandonment of that toxic friendship, and the second infidelity. I know for a fact that counseling will put us back on the same page. We both have expressed to each other that baby steps will get us both to a place where we can talk about everything. But how long do I wait? Should I wait at all? Is it worth it?

Not worth it.

File for divorce; get an attorney to take care of the home/real estate issue and the child support/visitation --- get your finances in order and when that is done, file and do not look back.

If he is actively drinking, all the more reason to divorce this pig. Alcoholism --- along with infidelity --- is a dealbreaker.

He has already called your bluff and is using you as a doormat.

And get therapy --- lots of it. Learn how NOT to be used, whether it's as a doormat or other and learn how to say no when somebody is taking advantage of you: that is exactly what your H is doing.

Disneygeek77

Uhhhhhhhhh, if I'm understanding you right, I don't think counseling is going to help.  You need to take your head out of the sand.

Mrs.Rad888

So, he cheated, you guys got through it (even though he wouldn't see a counselor), but he stayed friends with the person he cheated with. Then, he starts drinking heavily, hanging out with your BFF, who told him it was your fault he cheated, then he cheats again. He moves in with the OP, but only moves back in when he can't stay with her any more? And he still blames you for driving him to cheat?

Oh, Sweetie. You guys will never be on the same page. You want to be on the monogamous-marriage page, and he wants to be on the I-can-stick-my-dick-where-I-want-and-not-have-any-repercussions page. I know you want to save your marriage, but this is your marriage. Cheating, emotional infidelity with your friends, deflecting blame for the affair.

You shouldn't have to wait. If he truly is repentant and wants to fix this marriage, you guys need to start counseling NOW. He drops the friendship he had with the first cheater NOW. You get all his passwords. He doesn't get to have privacy right now. In a nutshell, he needs to be kissing your ass to get YOU to take HIM back.

cloudymeatballs12

Wow. Well I don't see how you can even end up on the same page. I really am so sorry. He stayed friends with the 1st one he cheated with you on??!!!! OH HELL NO!!! And they work together? I would have NEVER gotten over that in the first place! He thought it was ok to remain friends? Ya right! Then did it again and drinks all the time to avoid his problems? This is sad. You deserve a better man and a better father figure. He is doing nothing to help other than put more distrust in you. Get your finances straight, you should go to counseling, just for yourself and make yourself understand what is okay for you in a marriage. This is Not okay in my view of what a married man is supposed to be. But, only you can do what you feel is right here. If you want to save your marriage go for it, but don't be surprised if your H isn't on the same page. He seems to keep pushing things under the rug and avoiding the talks and conversations you need to have. He doesn't seem to be taking any blame for what he has done to hurt you...

ReturnOfKuus

Your marriage is in shambles because your husband is a terrible person.  There's nothing you can do to fix that.

mrswilkes2011

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

Sillygirl45

mrswilkes2011 said:

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

Are you effing serious?! It's her fault for not giving him what he needs? What the hell is wrong with you?

If you had read her post carefully you would see what she's not saying here. He didn't cheat with another woman. Do you get it now? Counseling isn't going to fix what is wrong.

As far as saying he'll never see his child again, you clearly do not have any experience with this. You can't just take someone's kid from them because they don't want to stay married to you. 

SMH...

VOR

My husband now resents me for not understanding him, and has lost sight of the bigger picture; our marriage and the meaning of it.

This almost makes me laugh.  HE cheated on you, twice.  And he works/is friends wwith the one.  But YOU don't "understand" him?  And it's now YOUR fault that the marriage might end?

He sounds like an ass.

And I agree - while his reasons for not going to counseling are crap, I don't think counseling will help.  And actually - I'd bet you that he's actually afraid that counseling will clarify his confusion and he doesn't want it clarified...

Sillygirl45

@VOR, I agree with you. His "confusion" is a totally separate issue from the fact that he is a colossally selfish asshole. Neither of those things bode well for the marriage. The asshole part just makes the decision to stop dealing with this dude easier in my opinion.

R.Wilsonny

Sillygirl45 said:

mrswilkes2011 said:

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

Are you effing serious?! It's her fault for not giving him what he needs? What the hell is wrong with you?

If you had read her post carefully you would see what she's not saying here. He didn't cheat with another woman. Do you get it now? Counseling isn't going to fix what is wrong.

As far as saying he'll never see his child again, you clearly do not have any experience with this. You can't just take someone's kid from them because they don't want to stay married to you. 

SMH...

Yea, I just read that too and am thinking wtf. Really? So for whatever reason you don't 'satisfy your man' that makes it okay for him to go out and bang someone else? Wow....I really have no words for that. You get married, you make vows and a promise to the other person - I don't remember seeing anything in those vows stating if you have a down period that its okay to go out and cheat. Smh

mrswilkes2011

I never said it was ok to go out and cheat. I simply said that if you cant keep your man happy, there will be a woman who can take your place. Its a fact, and it goes both ways. Im not saying that their sex life was the sole problem, but a guy just doesn't go out and cheat on you because he doesnt like the way you fold laundry. Im iust saying what no one else will, and if that makes me the bad guy oh well, cuz someone had to say it.

VOR

mrswilkes2011 said:

I never said it was ok to go out and cheat. I simply said that if you cant keep your man happy, there will be a woman who can take your place. Its a fact, and it goes both ways. Im not saying that their sex life was the sole problem, but a guy just doesn't go out and cheat on you because he doesnt like the way you fold laundry. Im iust saying what no one else will, and if that makes me the bad guy oh well, cuz someone had to say it.

You're still kind of missing a HUGE component to this thread.  HUGE. 

R.Wilsonny

mrswilkes2011 said:

I never said it was ok to go out and cheat. I simply said that if you cant keep your man happy, there will be a woman who can take your place. Its a fact, and it goes both ways. Im not saying that their sex life was the sole problem, but a guy just doesn't go out and cheat on you because he doesnt like the way you fold laundry. Im iust saying what no one else will, and if that makes me the bad guy oh well, cuz someone had to say it.

Oh this is such bullshit. Then why bother getting married in the first place then? The vows are there for a reason and they mean something. Another woman can do whatever she wants, but the H disrespects his vows because he clearly can't keep his d!ck in his pants and that is somehow the wife's fault? GTFO with that shit.

TarponMonoxide

mrswilkes2011 said:

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

Anybody hear a clue phone ring?

If so, that must be for @mrswilkes2011.

Your advice belongs back in the 1930s. Really? When a guy cheats it is the fault of his mate???

 

VOR

TarponMonoxide said:

mrswilkes2011 said:

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

Anybody hear a clue phone ring?

If so, that must be for @mrswilkes2011.

Your advice belongs back in the 1930s. Really? When a guy cheats it is the fault of his mate???

 

Thank you for bolding all those points because those statements are exactly why she is so, so, SO off the mark. mrswilkes - you're so over simplifying what cheating is about and why it happens.  You're making it basically all about sex and if a guy strays, well then, it must be because he's not getting enough sex!!!!

The original post is the proof to the exact opposite of your very simple, and outdated, theory.

ReturnOfKuus

mrswilkes2011 said:

I never said it was ok to go out and cheat. I simply said that if you cant keep your man happy, there will be a woman who can take your place. Its a fact, and it goes both ways. Im not saying that their sex life was the sole problem, but a guy just doesn't go out and cheat on you because he doesnt like the way you fold laundry. Im iust saying what no one else will, and if that makes me the bad guy oh well, cuz someone had to say it.

No one else will say this because no one else here is this stupid.

cloudymeatballs12

mrswilkes2011 said:

How did you find out about him cheating on you the first time? Im gonna be honest with you and sometimes honesty hurts. Did it ever cross your mind that: him coming out and admitting to cheating on you, still being friends with the girl he cheated on you with, starting to drink heavily, not going to counseling, and cheating on you a second time was his way of saying Im done with our relationship?? Men will be men, but I cant help but feel like there had to be something that changed with YOU to bring all this on. My point is he didnt cheat just to hurt you. He cheated because obviously they were willing to give him something you either couldnt or wouldnt. Only you know the answer to why he was/is unhappy. Instead of spending all this time tryig to fix him, maybe you should have worked on yourself? Its wrong to say a woman should change for a man. If this is so wrong, then why do we ask men to change for us? If you cant keep your man happy, there's always a woman out there who will step in and take your place. Sounds like it happened to you and that sucks big time, and im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you just need to give him the ultimatum. Its me and counseling or the fucking front door and never seeing your child again. He will make a choice....just be willing to accept that the choice he makes may not be you.

My guess here, have you been the OTHER woman here before ? Just sounds like someone who would make excuses for the man. No normal, married woman would go and make up excuses on why it is the wife's fault her man cheats. That is ridiculous! I don't care how shitty things may be at home, you are MARRIED!

mrswilkes2011

Yea it is their fault, obviously they cant keep him/ her happy. Some relationships cant be fixed, just move on and find someone else.

cloudymeatballs12

You have probs! Like I said, have you been the other woman?? Seriously? Its the wife's problem her guy can't keep his dick in his pants? Wouldn't it be a mature thing for a married man to do is talk with his wife when he feels a problem??

R.Wilsonny

cloudymeatballs12 said:

You have probs! Like I said, have you been the other woman?? Seriously? Its the wife's problem her guy can't keep his dick in his pants? Wouldn't it be a mature thing for a married man to do is talk with his wife when he feels a problem??

Ding ding ding ding!

YES, you talk to your spouse if you feel there is a problem or that maybe there's something missing. You don't use it as an excuse to cheat. Wtf.

I think it's normal for a relationship to ebb and flow....have ups and downs, if you will. I also think that it's normal to have lulls in the sex life too - I mean can anyone honestly say they have sex with their spouse as often as they did when they were dating or newly married? If you do, that's great, but I think it's normal to go through 'dry periods' from time to time. That's life. What's not normal is for the spouse to go out and bang someone else when that happens. If it's a sex thing - you talk to each other about it!

Me thinks ding dong over there has at some point been 'the other woman' and therefore assumes this behavior is acceptable. Again, GTFO with that bs.

TarponMonoxide

ReturnOfKuus said:

mrswilkes2011 said:

I never said it was ok to go out and cheat. I simply said that if you cant keep your man happy, there will be a woman who can take your place. Its a fact, and it goes both ways. Im not saying that their sex life was the sole problem, but a guy just doesn't go out and cheat on you because he doesnt like the way you fold laundry. Im iust saying what no one else will, and if that makes me the bad guy oh well, cuz someone had to say it.

No one else will say this because no one else here is this stupid.

Nope.

A guy will still cheat.

I know of more than one case wher the guy has a real catch: great woman, generous, kind, considerate, puts him first --- and the louse still cheats.

My theory is that it might also be some sort of mental aberration. These guys just can't say no to cheating --- it's got nothing to do with what's going on with his partner or what's not going on with his partner.

The point is this:

He cheated and you know it.

Ball is in your court. You are better off showing him the door. He's going to do it again; I haven't seen it fail.

My guess here, have you been the OTHER woman here before ? Just sounds like someone who would make excuses for the man.

Either she's been part of the rendesvous or it's doctrination maybe coming from some half-assed religious group.

 No normal, married woman would go and make up excuses on why it is the wife's fault her man cheats. That is ridiculous! I don't care how shitty things may be at home, you are MARRIED!

Yep --- either you work on fixing things with your partner or you decide you're getting divorced. No living single or "dating" until you are legally separated or divorced.

mrswilkes2011

No, not religious and haven't been the other woman, and I really dont give a shit what you think of my advice, so bash away at it all you want. She asked for advice/ideas/concerns and i gave her mine. But thanks for making this post all about me and my post, so glad I could ruffle yall's feathers for the day chicks :-bd