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No help
I'm having a never ending issue with my husband. He does not help out enough around the house and it doesn't matter how many times I sit him down and have a dicussion about how I need help - he will not help.
I do all the cleaning, laundry, the majority of the cooking. All I ask of him is to please pick up after himself. About once every four to six weeks I have to sit down and plead with him to please pick up his laundry to put in hamper or put his clothes away or to just pick up after himself. Things never change, they never get better - he never picks up after himself. It gets worse though. He'll find dog pee around the house and won't clean it up because he claims "he doesn't know how." We are having an issue with mice and he noticed more droppings while I was at work (he had the day off) he didn't clean it up rather he waited til I got home so I could "see what the issue was" aka, clean up the mess.
Even worse is the shoveling. He has done about 40 minutes worth of shoveling all winter. We live in Massachusetts, we've had plenty of storms and plently of snow to shovel. I have done the vast majority of the shoveling, including 2 storms where he did not help at all. There is an excuse for everything. On Sunday, it was 20 min of shoveling then "My feet are cold" and he went inside and never came back out to help finish. With cleaning up, it's always "I don't know how to do it" and I'll show him, and he continuously uses that same excuse.
I can't handle this anymore. It is certainly not fair to me to do the bulk of the work, especially given the fact that my commute time is double that of his. I don't think not doing housework is a reason for splitting up but I really can't handle this anymore. I've tried to talk to him. This is beyond doing a "chore wheel" this is basic stuff like putting dirty laundry in the laundry hamper. I just don't know what to do. And now, instead of listening to me, he's mad at me because I'm "always mad at him."
Re: No help
Have you tried not cleaning up after him or doing his laundry? He's going to eventually need clean clothes for work, right? I would boycott cooking and cleaning until he realizes how much you have to do on your own around the house. That being said, if he can't even clean up dog pee without you, I'm not sure if this is a lost cause. How was he raised by his parents? Did his mom take care of everything? Did you explain to him that you aren't his mom? You could also try listing every single thing you do as you do it for the day/week so he can see how much work needs to be done?
It's not quite at a level of splitting up but you do have to have a serious talk with him about how this is affecting your marriage. If he's not willing to help out in any way then yes, this is a reason to split up because he clearly isn't respecting you or your needs. Hopefully you can get to the root of the problem, like is he depressed and unmotivated or just lazy, etc..
Good luck.
Here are a few suggestions
-When it comes to laundry what about starting a "if it's not in the basket, it won't get washed" policy. That will cut down on your work with laundry until he gets tired of running of of clothes. Yes it will be hard to see the clothes laying around, but hopefully after 1-2 times of running out of clothes, he will change that habit.
-Hire a cleaning service, even if it means taking money from fun things to have it done. And when he complains that there isn't money for fun stuff, tell him well if you would help around the house we wouldn't need a maid and we would have money for that. Either way you win on this one because he will either start helping out but if he doesn't you will still have a lighter weekly load thanks to the maid service.
-You may want to consider doing the same for lawn service if you have a yard, it's not fair that everything should fall onto you. If you aren't stuck doing all the work, you'll be happier.
-I end up sending my husband daily "to do" emails on what needs to be done. It's usually 2-4 quick items like vacuum living room, wash darks, empty dishwasher" I keep the things he hates to do off the list & just take care of them myself. To help with laundry we have a three bin laundry hamper so he knows anything in the one bin is ok to wash together so can grab it & wash it. He isn't great about remembering to put things in the dryer, so I check on that. But I figure even if he gets washed, that is already a help. And if your hubby says I don't know how, make him a picture diagram or just written instructions on how to load machine, what settings & etc. and post it by the washing machine.
Not sure if any of these ideas will help, but I wish you lots of luck and hope things get better.
my SO always gets on my nerves because he "doesn't know how to put his dish in the dishwasher" which is a load of bull and just an excuse to be lazy. He is a mama's boy// we moved 5 hours from home.. this is his first time living outside his house and away from mama. At first it was VERY frusturating for me.. he didn't lift a finger. he would do all the heavy lifting and the moving and hanging up things but he would never lift a finger anywhere else. The cooking i don't mind doing because i LOVEEE to cook it actually relaxes me and doing the dishes relaxes me too.. (odd i know) but in the beginning he would never bring up his dish.. I told him that I am not his mother and I will not do that for him.. so now after a few months of me rebelling picking up his plate, he not only picks up his but mine as well.. he will bring everything from the table to our island where the sink is.. and with the laundry... he doesnt do it.. but he sure as hell puts it in the hamper.. (whether its everyday or a few times a week he still does it) i used to go from cleaning the whole apartment on Saturdays with him at the gym and the place to myself to us doing a "Big clean" together. i take care of the kitchen and the laundry my bathroom (we have 2 bathrooms in the apartment so its awesome when we have to get ready in the mornings) and my dining room, he takes care of our bedroom (all his dress shirts etc) and his bathroom, and the living room and the guest bedroom we do together.. i can honestly say that looking back at how it was in the beginning was rough.. i was so annoyed with him not helping but we really just had to find our way... i really understand how you feel because it is very frusturating and you are tired and could really use the help even the littlest of things helps...
i dont know if this would work with your husband but I usually through in a load of laundry while I cook dinner.. I take whats in the dryer from the night before and throw it on the couch.. and when my SO isn't studying for work he is usually watching Seinfield so while he is doing that the conversation usually goes something like this... "Hey baby? Can you do me a favor? can you just seperate the clothes whats mine and whats yours so when i fold it it would be a huge help thanks!" and he the seperates the laundry...a few times into doing this I noticed that the clothing was folded.. FOLDED!!! i was SO happy... and then a few times after that it was all put away... it was so nice... and a huge help.. maybe just ease him into things.. I always say hey if you do this I will play this game or that game with you.. or I will make his favorite dish for dinner and he does things... men are so diffucult and annoying sometimes!!!
good luck.. I really hope he starts helping out soon!
His mom basically did everything for him. I've told him I'm not his mom, I work just as much as he does, there's no reason why I have to be doing so much extra work. The thing that really gets me is the fact that I tell him, he says he'll make the effort but he never does.
I am going to start not picking up any clothes. If they're not in the hamper, they're not getting cleaned. If they're on the floor and they are clean, they're not getting put back in his closet. I hate feeling like a nag, and I don't think it's fair that I have to be made to feel bad for getting upset with him about this.
Definitely sit down and have another talk. The goal here is to talk without sarcasm, scolding or guilt trips (even though you're totally going to want to!). You are two equals planning how to run your household from X day forward. Start by telling him that you're feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks and that you need his help to figure out a better solution for your family. (Politely) ask if there is a reason why he doesn't help more around the house. There HAS to be some underlying reason in his eyes. Does he think you ask for him to clean at inconvenient times? Do you need to be more specific with requests (instead of clean the kitchen you may need to say wash and dry the dishes), does he not see the importance of a clean house? Was he expecting marriage to mean housewife stereotypes? Whatever the reason, find it and try to understand it without calling it ridiculous (because let's face it, it's probably a very silly excuse in our eyes).
Re-state that although you understand his side of things, you still feel overwhelmed and need some sort of assistance running the household without nagging him every 5 minutes since that's not fun for either of you (men biologically like to feel like the 'swoop in and save the day' guy. Here's his chance!). Ask for HIS recommendations on how to make things better for both of you. (hoepfully he has some!) If he has none, or says "i dont know", suggest possible solutions like splitting chore responsibilities, planning designated 'cleaning times' throughout the day so he knows when to expect it, doing chores WITH you so that he can learn alongside you and it goes faster, budgeting for and hiring outside help, etc.
In each case, ask his opinions/thoughts. If he complains, remind him that you're not his mother or caretaker, you two are equal partners in running the household. Make a pro/con list of options if you guys need to do that. List out the expectations, and plan how to keep each other accountable for the tasks. Some examples from our house:
-- Dishes have a 24 hour time limit. After 24 hours they need to be in the dishwasher or washed/put away.
-- Laundry can be piled in one specific (unseen) corner of the bedroom (we're both guilty of throwing laundry on the floor!). When it's more than 1 layer of clothes, laundry needs to be done!
-- When you leave a room, tidy it (put away extra items, push in chairs, move dishes to kitchen, etc)
-- Wife will dust and vaccum. Both will clean bathrooms, kitchen, and do own laundry. Husband will shovel driveway, wife will shovel sidewalks. Husband does lawn, wife does flowers, both do veggie garden. Wife brings garbage cans to central kitchen can, Husband takes everything outside. Both tidy the house.
-- Wife will nag about dishes left out and clothes on the floor, Husband will nag about hair left in the shower....and generally shed just about everywhere (whoops!)
-- Husband will take care of all spiders and other critters (unless wife is home alone. yuck!). Outside help can be hired.
-- Same applies to broken appliances or other house items.
-- If at any point these expectations are not followed, a discussion will happen.
-- If it becomes a habit to neglect the expectations, outside help will be hired to find the root of the problem (counselor).
Secret wife additions to the list:
-- Wife will thank/praise husband when she notices good things being done. Let's face it, men can be trained sometimes. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!!
-- Wife will pick her battles. He cleaned the entire kitchen and started prep for dinner, but forgot to wipe down the bathroom? Eh, let this one slide for now. Thank him for the good stuff, and ask if he still plans to do the bathroom (I usually get something along the lines of 'oh, right! Sorry, I got distracted with the kitchen. i'll do it tonight.")
Bottom line - although he is the one neglecting responsibility, you still need to be a team on this and make sure the 'law' is understood on both sides. Good luck!
~*~ Charmed By Wine Homepage! ~*~
~*~ Charmed By Wine Etsy Shop! ~*~
Seriously- work through this problem first. And while you say it's not worth splitting up over, you never know. To me, this shows a certain lack of respect for you. AND when it comes to stuff like not cleaning up dog pee because he "doesn't know how" or won't help shovel because his "feet are cold" - it makes him sound really immature too.
If you don't find a solution, this WILL continue to grow and your anger and frustration will only grow too. You never know where this issue will lead.
I do think a part of this is talking to him - he's not used to doing all this. Fine, but what does he need to start learning? I also think some of this is to stop doing everything for him. He needs to see, really see, what happens when he doesn't pitch in.
he's a GROWN ADULT. He needs to start acting like one.
And I'm really not sure how hiring a cleaning person will actually help. We have a cleaning lady every 2 weeks. It's great- she deep cleans the bathroom and the kitchen and vacuums, etc.
But - she doesn't do our laundry, cook our food, clean up after meals. All the day to day shit will STILL be there and he'll STILL not be doing it. And now he'll have the excuse of "but we have a cleaning lady!!!!".
That's really not a solution.
I am serious: Tolerate nothing.
End the enablement and strongly consider what I have suggested: leave his mess -- all of it --- for him to take care of.
And stick to your guns. Do NOTHING for him anymore.
He wants it clean, or ironed, etc ---let him clean it HIMSELF. Otherwise he can live like a slob in his mess and squalor forever.
if he asks you why you have not cleaned/picked up/bothered to take care of his mess, tell him the following:
"I don't know how."
"My feet got cold."
Give him the same funky answers he gives you: for anything that is his that needs to be cleaned or washed or ironed or whatever: tell him "My arms hurt". Give him the same mess and funky excuses that he gives you.
A taste of his own medicine is the way to go on this. And the only way to handle it, if you ask me:
Let the piles of his squalor sit -- and let him face the music on it all for at least a good month.
During that month, he complains, he yells, he shows you he's all upset, whatever it is he shows you he's really cheesed off:
You do NOTHING for him.
Let him complain.
And leave his shit where it is.
He needs to learn that you are not his laundress, his maid, his concierge or his doormat.
And when His Highness whines to you, you let it fall of deaf ears. Let hin go to work looking like a pig in a sty -- and let HIM figure out how to take care of his mess.
I do think a part of this is talking to him - he's not used to doing all this. Fine, but what does he need to start learning? I also think some of this is to stop doing everything for him. He needs to see, really see, what happens when he doesn't pitch in.
@VDR:
Here is where he will see what really happens if he doesn't pitch in: when his wife lets him live like a slob in his own filth for a good month.
And I would kindly tell him after he complains tht if he is interested in remaining married, he gets his ass in gear...or he can go the hell home to his mommy's...where she will gladly pick up after him for the next 60 or so years or the rest of his borne days, whichever comes first!
What is disturbing about your problem:
He is a profound failure when it comes to working as a team with you.
You and he need a counselor immediately.
Here is why: what's going to happen if you have kids? He leaves you holding the whole bag? The kiddo needs a changing, is sick in the middle of the night, is not doing well in school and a teacher has requested a conference with you, etc:
I guarantee you you will be the only parent in this picture.
What happens if there is a major crisis? he's going to leave it all up to you while he does nothing? YOU did not marry to attain a silent partner!
If you wanted to remain single, you'd never have married him -- this is what you've got right now: more or less "the single life" because he will not be a team with you.
End this nonsense and end it now. Do not stand for this.
Who gets him up for work in the morning?
If you say "it's me" I will personally come over there and sit on you.
DO NOT wake him anymore.
Let him figure it out himself. And if this means he goes to work late and he gets hell, too bad.
I agree:
NO TTC with this guy, either purposely or accxidentally.
You and he also need to get to a counselor, as I said.
There is a vast communication error between you and him.
AND he has not bothered to be a team with you. A house divided can't stand.
There is not only the fact he is lazy and immature, there's alos the fact that he sees no problem in letting you do it all (a character issue too) there is a big communication problem: what you are saying is being blatantly ignored by him.
When a month goes by of no clean clothes, filthy dishes, and dirty and rancid everything thanks to a mess HE has made, tell him this:
If he is interested in staying married, not only is he to pitch in, he is required to see a counselor with you.
Non negotiable and MANDATORY. And tell him it is because there is no communication and you have ended the days of him using YOU as a doormat.
He is to be a team with you and that is no questions asked.
If he refuses to do both --- be a team and get his ass to counseling to resolve the issues I have cited ---- give serious thought to giving him the keys to the road. You cannot keep doing this all by yourself.
ANd learn to stand up for yourself --- you let this guy go indoors and not come out -- and when you got inside, you said NOTHING to him, I will bet. Don't let him use you as a doormat.
Me thinks he was always like this but now it is getting on your nerves.
Did you resolve this problem?
First time poster here. My husband and I got married this past May after three years together (we were friends for awhile before we started dating). Ever since we got married, we bicker and fight all the time. It is constant, we never used to be this nasty towards each other but now it's an every day occurence. We lived together for 2 years before we got married so co-habitating isn't anything new to us. Our relationship now is so much worse than it was when we were dating.
Shortly after getting married, we bought a house which has been the source of a lot of stress but at the end of the day- everything is seemingly going well for us. We are both in good jobs, we bought a house in a town we wanted to be in.. what is the catch? Why are we fighting all the time? This morning, we fought over the fact that we couldn't find the dog's poop bags (or rather - my husband couldn't find them because he thinks I moved them and then he got mad at me when I couldn't find them). This is happening after he left for the past week to spend time at his parents house - just so we could have time apart from each other.
I just don't know what to do anymore. We both know we have huge issues and are both sick of fighting and we always say we're going to work to 'make things better' but nothing is getting better. To be quite blunt, he really, really just pisses me off sometimes and it's actually gotten to the point where I just don't like him half the time. I don't think he realizes everything that I do to make our house a nice home (between cooking and cleaning) and it's a regular occurence where I am asking him to just please pick up after himself.
I'd be open to counseling but he's not. His mother is pressuring us to have kids, and I am not ready to start a family with him until things drastically change. I just don't know how much longer I can remain in what has become a miserable relationship. I am constantly afraid to say anything to him for fear of his reaction ( he has temper issues) and I hate telling him what to do around the house because to him, that translates into me nagging him and giving him a hard time. Are things going to get better or is this just a lost cause at this point? I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to stay in a relationship that has becoming increasingly miserable. Sometimes I feel like I haven't ended it because I don't want it to seem like I failed in marriage, I had such dreams for us when we got married and now I just don't see where we can have a happy future
any advice would help at this point. Are things going to change ? Is this natural go to through such a rough patch so early on in marriage?
It slays me that you said "our relationship now is worse than when we were dating." come again? You had a bad dating relationship --- but you pursued marriage -- is this what you mean? clarify.:(Temper issues???
Why in heck are you even with a guy who cannot be an adult when there is an irritating confrontation?
I am wondering if this is the guy for you at all. So far, I am thinking the answer to that is no.
He isn't a good husband. What kind of a friend could he have been?! Yikes!
Regardless - this is who he is. The cleaning issue? If that were the ONLY issue, I'd say "work on it, maybe there is a chance". but really - you all seem to be oil and water. Why force something that really has never been all that good to start with?
"This morning, we fought over the fact that we couldn't find the dog's poop bags (or rather - my husband couldn't find them because he thinks I moved them and then he got mad at me when I couldn't find them). This is happening after he left for the past week to spend time at his parents house - just so we could have time apart from each other."
"To be quite blunt, he really, really just pisses me off sometimes and it's actually gotten to the point where I just don't like him half the time. I don't think he realizes everything that I do to make our house a nice home (between cooking and cleaning) and it's a regular occurence where I am asking him to just please pick up after himself. "
"
I am constantly afraid to say anything to him for fear of his reaction ( he has temper issues) and I hate telling him what to do around the house because to him, that translates into me nagging him and giving him a hard time."
All 3 of these are examples that you don't respect or trust each other (he doesnt respect/trust you, which then makes you upset and in turn, not respect/trust him which makes him mad at you.... cue horrible cycle!). At no point should a couple be AFRAID to talk to each other. The poop bags, I can forgive if you were both in a rush. My husband and I have those "gah! this is so inconvenient" moments of anger....but they're quick, and we apologize immediately. Something tells me you two didn't talk about it afterwards and stayed mad.
Men do make mistakes, and stereotypically aren't as tidy/picky as we are.... but if he truly cared and respected you, he would at least make an effort. It sounds as though he's tolerating you, and then running away to his parents' when things get to be too much... which is not the respectful way to handle this situation. Each time there is a fight, or unspoken anger between you two...it drives the wedge in further and makes you drift further apart. The advice above on letting him live in his own filth? Yeah, that's only going to make YOU mad (or him more mad at you). He won't change. He'll give up first -- especially if he's already done something like run away to his parents' house. It's an option in his mind, and if he's unhappy at home, he'll take that option instead of fixing the home issue.
My parents actually went through similar situations. My dad always made my mom feel second best even though she did all the work (and perfectly, i might add!). He had anger issues and "feet are cold" complaining moments all the time as well (he'd fall asleep on the couch in the middle of a project like wallpapering a bathroom or something, and leave my mom working alone on it).
Bottom line - they divorced by the time I was 2. Lack of respect and communication is a marriage killer. Either take this to a counselor, or change your life so that you can be happy. You only get so many years -- make them count!
Also, I hope if this man ever threatens or shows violence to you that you know enough to immediately walk away without a second thought.
Good luck!
~*~ Charmed By Wine Homepage! ~*~
~*~ Charmed By Wine Etsy Shop! ~*~
He isn't her equal. He won't work with her on anything at all and he's childish and full of excuses.
And let's not forget the anger issue. Why did the OP even want a guy who has this kind of a problem?
Sending in a maid service will get the house clean but the OP will still be married to somebody who was not fit for marriage in the first place.
"My feet got cold"? What is he, 5 years old??? "I don't know how" when the wife had to show him (and repeatedly) how to pull his weight around the house??
The OP needs to decide if she wants 49 more years of this mess. 49 more years of being a single head of household; that's what's happening here. And she'll be a single parent if a kid gets into this donnybrook that she has with her H.
I don't know what the OP means by temper issues --- is he the kind who yells and screams when he gets mad; sometimes with people like that, their bark is worse than their bite --- or is it something a lot worse?
The OP will have to confirm.
If he was one by definition, he'd be hopelessly under his mother's thumb whilst she is holding him by the nads. He'd cater and cave in to her every whim, her ever word, her every desire and let her come between him and the wife. His mother would have the first, last and middle word.
His mother (and father) did everything for him.
That makes him a lazy little shit that's not fit to be a husband but a mama's boy? Not really.
When we were kids growing up we had chores and TO DOs: keep your room relatively clean, do the dishes, take out the trash, help out with the yardwork, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, help wash the car, set the table and when we were old enough to do it, iron and sew. And that's to name a few.
Nobody did it all for us: we had to pitch in.
Parents today don't do this. This is all part of that shitty "helicopter parent" thing we read about.
Her bigger problem is why she even thought this guy was husband material at all. He can't clean, he can't use common sense -- wow, who lets dog pee stay where it is and what kind of a git says "I don't know how to clean it up"??? Does he take her for that kind of a fool?
And she knew full well before they were wed and living with him that he was lazy and couldn't do dick to lift a finger to clean.
Funny why this slobbiness of his is now bothering her.
OP: I'm serious.
Let this little lazy slob stew and steep in his own squalor and mess. And do it starting NOW. Do as I said: anything that he messes and any dishes he eats from and any clothes he leaves on the floor, leave it where it's at. Do not cook for him; make enough food only for you. And give him the same shithead answer he gives you. See how he likes it.
Don't enable him anymore and don't be his mother, ffs!
If that "anger issue" consists of cursing at you and throwing things and threatening you and verbally abusing you, leave NOW. This can come to no good end if you stay with this shithead.