How do you deal with missing your husband?

sunflowerwife

Hi! I just got married fairy recently. Financially, things are very tight. We were both looking for jobs right after the honeymoon (this was unexpected, we had a plan that changed). We now both have jobs, but we are currently not making a lot. I'm going to get more hours and a new position next month, which will give us a good bit more flexibility. However, we are both trying to launch off on careers and so even if things get a little bit more flexible, we will still both have to work a lot of opposing hours. Our schedules do not line up as neither of us work typical 9-5 jobs. We are happy with our jobs, but it often means that our off days do not coincide (he works all weekend and has days off during the week) and I have weekends off. I am often working in the morning, he works afternoon-evening shifts. Again, for both financial and career-future reasons, this is absolutely necessary. We are going to work to get over hours to overlap more as soon as possible, but right now that is just not possible. Wow...so that was a long explanation to lead up to..how do you cope with missing your spouse? I don't mind being alone for a few hours, but when he gets home late and we only get an hour together...I just feel very upset. I really like to have a lot of time with him. I completely get that this is real married life, but I am still feeling sad about it. 

VadersValkyrie

When my husband first started working at his current company, he worked 3pm-12am, while I worked 7:30AM-2:50PM.  His days off were Saturday and Tuesday.  It sucked.  I caught up on a lot of Netflix shows, and also stayed at work late a lot so I didn't have to come home to just the two cats.  Briefly, he worked 7AM-5PM, which was excellent, because we got to eat dinner together.  Now he's working 11AM-8PM.  If he gets out of work on time, we get at least an hour or so together before I fall asleep.  We also joined a late-night gym that we can go to, when the weather isn't ishy.

We basically try to make the most of the time we do have together.  Can you have dinner together on the weekends when he comes home from work?  Or can you do a bargain movie night on his day off during the week?  It's not too romantic to have to plan all the time out like that, but it's better than spending your time together staring at the TV, wondering what to do.

chrisnjay05212010

my husband is a cop and for a very long time we had completely opposite schedules and days off.  Like the pp mentioned, we tried to make the best of the little time we had together, just relaxing together and watching tv or going out to dinner. I would plan all my errands, cleaning and friend time when i knew he would be working. I joined a gym and started taking classes at night after work.  We tried to make sure we set aside time to talk while he was on his way to work and i was at work just to check on things and each other. 

its not easy, its something i became very accustomed to, to the point that when his hours/days off switched it was quite the adjustment to actually spend time together.

Leftie22

Could you meet for lunch/dinner break on the days when one of you is working and the other isn't? Go for a quick meal or a walk together?

gymbugmj2k

I'm a visual person, so I would use something like google calendar where you can input/share 2 calendars together and visually see the common free times.  This might make it easier to plan quality time together - one such example being if you know in 3 weeks that you both have 4-5 hours together, plan something a bit more special than those days when you have 20 minutes to say hi and bye!  Have a list of ready to go date ideas...even something as silly (and quick!) as a random dance party in your living room.

Staying in communication via texts, emails, or notes around the house helps too.  For example, you can cook his favorite meal and leave some in the fridge for when he comes home.  If you're gone, just leave a note "surprise in the fridge for you!".  Those "cute" things might help you two feel closer when you're apart.

formerlyGDaisy09

This is hard. My H works T-Sa 3am-10 or 11am and has Sunday and Monday off, I work M-F 8am-5 or 6pm.  Maximize the time you do have together, occasionally my H will bring me lunch at work so we can see eachother. 

When H gets home from work in the morning he does some chores around the house and takes a nap so that we can spend a couple hours together in the evening. I spend Saturday mornings doing more chores so that our limited time together doesn't get eroaded by housework. 

We know that this is not our long term plan and he keeps his eyes on job listings so that if there is an opportunity for him to find a more traditional M-F daytime job he can. 

HobbesRN

We both work unconventional schedules that don't always mesh well, and that's the way it's going to be for the foreseeable future, because we're both in a good place career-wise right now. Sometimes it sucks, but we make the most of our time together, and our time apart. It helps that we both value personal space in a relationship, because we can be grateful for that, while at the same time valuing the time we do get to spend together even more. And when we don't get to see each other, we text or leave each other notes at home. 

Dlhartman

I understand your feelings. I was temporarily moved to a different city by my company less than a month after we got married. It's been about three months, with a little over a year to go. We travel to see each other every weekend, but it is SO hard spending our first married year apart.

osarto

My husband and I spent our first year as a married couple long distance because of our careers and the inability fo find a job in the same city.  It was difficult but it made the times we did spend together much more enjoyable and we savored every moment together.  It also made us bicker about things a lot less because we knew that we only had a limited time together so we let the small things go and concentrated on what really mattered.  Finally, our communication improved tremendously!  We were forced to truly communicate about any issues we may have each other instead of giving each other the silent treatment and retreating to our independent rooms.  This period will allow you not to take for granted the time you do get to spend together.  And think of it this way...this is a short term sacrifice for a long term gain.

deannagirly

I am currently in the military, stationed in California, and my husband is attending school, in Idaho. So, I don't even get those small moments with him, and whenever he comes to visit (I was able to see him for Christmas and Valentines Day) Those days are the most amazing days because all that I want is to see my DH. I deal with it by finding other things to do with my time I read a lot. And I just look forward to doing things together whenever we can. If you guys can live together, surely you can find things to do together. You could leave little notes for each other before you go to work, you could meet him at work for his lunch on your days off, and visa versa. There are plenty of things that could be done, but also just find things to do in your down time. Things you really enjoy doing.

MariaBend25

i also am in the military in california and he is going to school in atlanta...so we are three time zones apart, in addition to my having shift work and random days off. essentially we never get to have a meaningful conversation due to the time and distance hurdles. but we try to be there for one another by doing the small things. i send him "care packages" of baked goods, and he sends me flowers. we use email to send one another notes, and we have "dates" where we watch the same movie on the same day but different times, and then can discuss it later on. we also try to make plans for the times when we do get to visit one another, so that we don't wonder what we will have for dinner but can just go out and enjoy all the time we do have. it is hard and i miss him continually and i know with his job it is unlikely we will live together for a long while unless i get out of the military. 

when i miss him and there is nothing to do about it, i go for a run, clean the house, and talk to the dog lol. basically find small projects to keep busy until we have time to be "together" via facetime.