How to handle brother's lies

lms80

My family just found out from my SIL that my brother has been dealing with sexual addiction. He has been having sexual relations outside his marriage and has spent his family's money to support this addiction. We're all devistated. He's always been a hard working and admirable man that I've looked up to. I'm grateful that my family has never had to deal with major conflict or divorce, but now I'm at a loss. Do I reach out to my brother or wait for him to contact me? What do I say? I'm angry and disappointed by his poor choices, but I'll support him in getting help. I'm not sure where to go from here. Thank you for your sincere help!

TarponMonoxide

lms80 said:

My family just found out from my SIL that my brother has been dealing with sexual addiction. He has been having sexual relations outside his marriage and has spent his family's money to support this addiction. We're all devistated. He's always been a hard working and admirable man that I've looked up to. I'm grateful that my family has never had to deal with major conflict or divorce, but now I'm at a loss. Do I reach out to my brother or wait for him to contact me? What do I say? I'm angry and disappointed by his poor choices, but I'll support him in getting help. I'm not sure where to go from here. Thank you for your sincere help!

Anybody who knows anything about addicts --- try the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, NarcAnon, Overeaters Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous --- will tell you that you do NOT reach out to an addict.

You tell the addict, "When you are clean and you can prove it and you have gotten your act together, we will be in touch. Until then, you will not be hearing from me."

And you do exactly that: Cut him out of your life.

If you never hear from him again, that's his problem, not yours. You, however, will have been liberated from his lying and codependency.

I am hoping your SIL showed his ass the door and slammed it behind her H.

And I hope she ran a credit report on both her husband and herself.

I don't know how close you are to him but maybe you should run one on yourself, also --- one never knows what kind of mess an addict has been up to to fuel and pay for his dependency on his addiction.

Cut Bro out of your life. It's the only thing to do in a case like his. GL.

mostlygrateful

Depending on the size of your city, there may be support groups for people affected by someone else's sexual addiction. Try looking up a chapter of sexaholics anonymous, or go to the S-anon webpage for times/places of the family support meetings. They are akin to al-anon groups for families and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts.

As to whether you should reach out to him - hard to say. If he doesn't think he has a problem or want to get help, you will be banging your head against a wall. The one thing I can say unequivocally is that you absolutely cannot control his addiction. If he wants to get help, you might be able to offer some emotional support, but this is his disease to treat.

Sillygirl45

I would second Tarpon. Look into a support group and do some research online. Good luck. 

Tofumonkey

I'm not sure I'm buying this so much. I could be wrong, but when did continuously cheating on your spouse and sleeping with other people become okay if it's an 'addiction'? 

Tofumonkey

TarponMonoxide said:

lms80 said:

My family just found out from my SIL that my brother has been dealing with sexual addiction. He has been having sexual relations outside his marriage and has spent his family's money to support this addiction. We're all devistated. He's always been a hard working and admirable man that I've looked up to. I'm grateful that my family has never had to deal with major conflict or divorce, but now I'm at a loss. Do I reach out to my brother or wait for him to contact me? What do I say? I'm angry and disappointed by his poor choices, but I'll support him in getting help. I'm not sure where to go from here. Thank you for your sincere help!

Anybody who knows anything about addicts --- try the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, NarcAnon, Overeaters Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous --- will tell you that you do NOT reach out to an addict.

You tell the addict, "When you are clean and you can prove it and you have gotten your act together, we will be in touch. Until then, you will not be hearing from me."

And you do exactly that: Cut him out of your life.

If you never hear from him again, that's his problem, not yours. You, however, will have been liberated from his lying and codependency.

I am hoping your SIL showed his ass the door and slammed it behind her H.

And I hope she ran a credit report on both her husband and herself.

I don't know how close you are to him but maybe you should run one on yourself, also --- one never knows what kind of mess an addict has been up to to fuel and pay for his dependency on his addiction.

Cut Bro out of your life. It's the only thing to do in a case like his. GL.

Wait. Hold the phone. There is an overeaters anonymous? That's an addiction too? And you're not supposed to reach out to them? What are you supposed to say?

When you're not fat any more and can prove it we will be in touch, but until then you are cut off from me? Like, I can see the drug addiction, gambling or people that compulsively eat cat hair. But for being overweight?

This is fascinating.

VOR

Tofumonkey said:

I'm not sure I'm buying this so much. I could be wrong, but when did continuously cheating on your spouse and sleeping with other people become okay if it's an 'addiction'? 

This is why I'm dubious about "sexual addiction".  On one hand, sure, maybe I can see it. But at the same time, I'm also a little "Oh- convienent when you get caught because you're simply a cheater.....". 

 

Tofumonkey

It's kind of easier for everybody, though, right? The cheating spouse has an 'out' - it's not my fault, it's an addiction. Don't be angry, I can't help it. Help me get through this, blah blah blah. In sickness and in health...

But the spouse gets an 'out' too in a way. He wasn't really cheating on me, he has an addiction. We're dealing with it together and getting him help. I'm not really staying with a guy that cheated on me with 6 Thai Ping-Pong Champions and a slew of hookers from Craigslist - I'm staying with my husband through his addiction.In sickness and in health...

My brother's not a total dick, he's a great guy with a great career and is a solid, stand up guy. He just has an addiction.

People keep justifying the behavior when really, is it all that reasonable to justify it? To excuse it? Is the guy really taking responsibility for his actions, or is this the new 'the devil made me do it'?

Tofumonkey

Okay. So I just turned around and asked DH:

So, what do you think about sex addiction?

He thought about it for 0.25 seconds and said "It's an addiction I'd like to have!"

VOR

Tofumonkey said:

It's kind of easier for everybody, though, right? The cheating spouse has an 'out' - it's not my fault, it's an addiction. Don't be angry, I can't help it. Help me get through this, blah blah blah. In sickness and in health...

But the spouse gets an 'out' too in a way. He wasn't really cheating on me, he has an addiction. We're dealing with it together and getting him help. I'm not really staying with a guy that cheated on me with 6 Thai Ping-Pong Champions and a slew of hookers from Craigslist - I'm staying with my husband through his addiction.In sickness and in health...

My brother's not a total dick, he's a great guy with a great career and is a solid, stand up guy. He just has an addiction.

People keep justifying the behavior when really, is it all that reasonable to justify it? To excuse it? Is the guy really taking responsibility for his actions, or is this the new 'the devil made me do it'?

To add, we're becoming such a "me me me" society, people don't take responsibility for their actions, don't feel they have to exhibit caution.  So they do what they want to do, then when called out - "OH!!!!!!  it's an addiction".

 

Clearly there are true addicts, but at least w/ sexual addiction, I just feel that it's an easy scape goat for people to avoid taking responsibility or having to think of other people

Sillygirl45

It's kind of easier for everybody, though, right? The cheating spouse has an 'out' - it's not my fault, it's an addiction. Don't be angry, I can't help it. Help me get through this, blah blah blah. In sickness and in health...

But the spouse gets an 'out' too in a way. He wasn't really cheating on me, he has an addiction. We're dealing with it together and getting him help. I'm not really staying with a guy that cheated on me with 6 Thai Ping-Pong Champions and a slew of hookers from Craigslist - I'm staying with my husband through his addiction.In sickness and in health...

My brother's not a total dick, he's a great guy with a great career and is a solid, stand up guy. He just has an addiction.

People keep justifying the behavior when really, is it all that reasonable to justify it? To excuse it? Is the guy really taking responsibility for his actions, or is this the new 'the devil made me do it'?

--Stuck in the box...

This is a really good point. I don't personally buy the sex addiction thing. I can see where a spouse would want to believe it, but I don't think I could.

TarponMonoxide

Tofumonkey said:

TarponMonoxide said:

lms80 said:

My family just found out from my SIL that my brother has been dealing with sexual addiction. He has been having sexual relations outside his marriage and has spent his family's money to support this addiction. We're all devistated. He's always been a hard working and admirable man that I've looked up to. I'm grateful that my family has never had to deal with major conflict or divorce, but now I'm at a loss. Do I reach out to my brother or wait for him to contact me? What do I say? I'm angry and disappointed by his poor choices, but I'll support him in getting help. I'm not sure where to go from here. Thank you for your sincere help!

Anybody who knows anything about addicts --- try the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, NarcAnon, Overeaters Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous --- will tell you that you do NOT reach out to an addict.

You tell the addict, "When you are clean and you can prove it and you have gotten your act together, we will be in touch. Until then, you will not be hearing from me."

And you do exactly that: Cut him out of your life.

If you never hear from him again, that's his problem, not yours. You, however, will have been liberated from his lying and codependency.

I am hoping your SIL showed his ass the door and slammed it behind her H.

And I hope she ran a credit report on both her husband and herself.

I don't know how close you are to him but maybe you should run one on yourself, also --- one never knows what kind of mess an addict has been up to to fuel and pay for his dependency on his addiction.

Cut Bro out of your life. It's the only thing to do in a case like his. GL.

Wait. Hold the phone. There is an overeaters anonymous? That's an addiction too? And you're not supposed to reach out to them? What are you supposed to say?

When you're not fat any more and can prove it we will be in touch, but until then you are cut off from me? Like, I can see the drug addiction, gambling or people that compulsively eat cat hair. But for being overweight?

This is fascinating.

There are many overeaters that are not overweight!

Or haven't you heard???

I am guessing overeating is an eating disorder along with being an addiction. And I am pretty sure there are anorexics who overeat too -- and then purge.

Overeating has nothing to do with obesity. The two are not interconnected with a lot of overweight people.

Overeating and obesity are not necessarily directly related.

People are overweight for a variety of reasons; I don't think "overeating" is tops on the list --- overeating is an addiction.

Mostly it's inactivity, not eating in moderation too much of one thing, perhaps a thyroid issue or something else.

To my knowledge, a lot of the true overeaters who have an addiction are not obese. There are obese overeaters, I am sure.

Cupcake0629

I 100% agree with Tarpon.  As the sister of a drug addict, they best thing you can do is cut them off.  Nothing about it will be easy but it will be the best thing for yourself and your family.  He needs to understand that his actions are wrong.  By "supporting" him or reaching our to him in any way, he'll see that as you endorsing his lifestyle.