Trouble in Paradise
bel138
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Unhealthy weight gain/lifestyle
DH and I have been together for 7 years. He has never been a small guy. He's large framed and wasn't thin when we met. But he's gained at least 70lbs in that time. At first he blamed it on traveling for work, but he no longer travels. I try to make healthy dinners and have healthy foods around for lunches and breakfasts, but he orders delivery or buys snacks when he goes out for other things. He never exercises. I've tried to explain how worried I am about him, but he has to want to change. Both his parents have diabetes, and there is heart disease in the family.
I love him, but I'm struggling. The first thing is that I think if he were to have a serious medical problem from this, I would blame myself for not doing more for him. I'm also a very small woman, and now the mechanics of sex is physically challenging for me. I hate to say it, but I'm also less attracted to him, mostly because he doesn't care how his disregard for health affects me and our son, but also because he doesn't look like the man I fell in love with.
I've told him most of this. I have said before that sex is difficult while he is on top, but now it's all positions. We just have sex so infrequently that I haven't said anything. I haven't said anything about being less attracted to him, because I think that wouldn't be constructive.
Advice? I really want to help him be healthy more than I care about his weight, but it would be nice to have sex again. I've tried not keeping "bad" foods in the house, cooking all the meals, bought him a gym membership he didn't use, invited him to exercise with me, helped him enter calories into a tracking app, expressed concern numerous times, tried to back off and let him figure it out, offered to buy exercise equipment for our home so he wouldn't even have to leave, go on family walks, tried to talk about if he's eating his feelings, everything I can think of. I don't know what else to do to help him. I even asked him that and he had no answer.
I love him, but I'm struggling. The first thing is that I think if he were to have a serious medical problem from this, I would blame myself for not doing more for him. I'm also a very small woman, and now the mechanics of sex is physically challenging for me. I hate to say it, but I'm also less attracted to him, mostly because he doesn't care how his disregard for health affects me and our son, but also because he doesn't look like the man I fell in love with.
I've told him most of this. I have said before that sex is difficult while he is on top, but now it's all positions. We just have sex so infrequently that I haven't said anything. I haven't said anything about being less attracted to him, because I think that wouldn't be constructive.
Advice? I really want to help him be healthy more than I care about his weight, but it would be nice to have sex again. I've tried not keeping "bad" foods in the house, cooking all the meals, bought him a gym membership he didn't use, invited him to exercise with me, helped him enter calories into a tracking app, expressed concern numerous times, tried to back off and let him figure it out, offered to buy exercise equipment for our home so he wouldn't even have to leave, go on family walks, tried to talk about if he's eating his feelings, everything I can think of. I don't know what else to do to help him. I even asked him that and he had no answer.
Re: Unhealthy weight gain/lifestyle
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Men lose weight quicker than women. They are mostly muscle and not fat and that's why.
He is going to have to have some sort of rock bottom moment -- and that is the only way he'll realize he's got to lose weight. Maybe he'll see photos of himself taken at a family gathering and he won't like what he sees, or some pair of pants will split up the back seam or maybe somebody else will remark about what a good chunk of weight he's gained and he won't be happy with the remark.
No amount of begging or gym memberships will help him --- he's going to have to decide for himself.
What would work -- and it would be cumulative:
If he cuts out sugary drinks and replaces them with something else with no sugar or if he gives up his daily latte at the coffee stand or stops going out to lunch and brown bags his meals ---- whatever he does and if he cuts them out of his daily consumption or even indulges in them maybe once or twice a week --- that would get rid of a pretty good chunk of empty calories.
This is accessible and realistic.
There is a guy I know who gave up eating at a luncheonette and instead went to a Chinese food place and had lunch instead -- he lost 60 pounds doing that.
And I know of a couple who are both very very plus sized -- both of them are in the process of losing. She looks fantastic -- she swims and does yoga and hits the Zumba place twice a week; I don't know what he is doing to lose but he looks great too.
I think he may be depressed but won't admit to it. That's why I've tried asking about that. I don't know guilty was the best word. But I'm the type of person who feels they could have always done more to help others when there is a negative outcome. And if he dies of a heart attack at 40, I'm not going to just say Whelp, he was a grown man and should have known this was coming. I'm going to say I should have done XYZ to make sure I helped him in any way possible.
Don't indulge in whole milk -- get the skim milk/lowfat milk that has that flavor fortifier in it, if you don't like the flavor of skim or 1% "as is." That's a great way to cut fat out of your diet right there.
The toughest day of a diet is always the first one.:)
This won't end until he realizes he's gaining too much weight and that he has to do something about it.
He should look into Weight Watchers. There are apps for your phone for WW and he can join on line if he detests the idea of going to a rah rah meeting.
Everything is allowed in WW --- the whole wonderful key to it all is that it's all portion-based.
Men always get more to eat points wise and he'll probably get even more points than that, based on his height and weight. THat gets adjusted down once he starts losing.
I have seen men lose 5 pounds a week or more on a sensible diet versus 2 perhaps, for a woman on a sensible diet -- as I said, men lose faster because they are more muscle than fat.
Even if he cut out the salt and eliminated foods with added salt and sodium it would do him a world of good. You really don't need salt in your diet; you need some sodium for various bodily functions but not what exceeds the suggested daily amount.
I see nothing wrong with brown bagging his lunch -- take a nice turkey breast sandwich with lettuce and tomato on rye and add just a little bit of mayo (get the kind that comes in little packages) -- if he goes to lunch with cowoerkers, go but order something on the lighter side. Pack a banana and and another piece of fruit.
Iff he is a beer drinker he can switch to some of the light beers that are out there; they're all very good.
The little steps are what counts.