LDR to local anxiety

ameliamae23

Hi all!

Boyfriend and I started dating a year and a half ago, and 2 months after we started dating he moved 500 miles away for a better job. We decided we liked each enough to give it a go, and here we are. We did know each other a few years prior to dating, he hung out with my best friend's husband while I was with her.

Anyway, we made the decision over Christmas that we didn't want to do the LDR thing anymore, and that I would move to be with him in May. These two months after we decided this has really flown by, and the more I think about it, the more anxious I get.

Basically, this relationship has been amazing, and has really worked out, but I am worried that we are better at having a long distance relationship than a "normal" one.

Have any other couples who endured the LDR felt the same way when were closer to actually being together, or am I being totally ridiculous?

TarponMonoxide

Most of the "couples" with LDR are those who have never met the other person. Usually it's an internet thing and they met somewhere on line. I can't see how you can say the person is yoru bf/gf if you have never met.

Do you have a job lined up? That would make things easier: if you've already secured a job in his area in anticipation of moving out there.

How often have you seen him since he's moved?

And where did you meet him in the first place? Just wsondering.

ameliamae23

No job lined up yet, but I've been keeping an eye on the market, and I am a nurse with a masters degree, so that I am not too worried about.

We have been able to see each other about once a month, usually for a long weekend. Either he'll come here or I go there. Christmas time we were able to spend about 9 days together, and that was great.

We met through friends. We hung out a lot in the same crowd, until he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime without our friends He was best man in the same wedding I was a bridesmaid, and we are still really close with that couple.

I know it wasn't LDR to begin with, but we were only dating a few months before he moved. So, the bulk of our relationship has been LDR.

spikeinc

Of course you are anxious. You are changing your entire life on the hope that this LDR is the real thing. Just make sure you have your options covered in case it doesn't work out the way you want it to and your anxiety level will go down. Obviously, as in any relationship, it takes time to really get to know someone and seeing them everyday helps you to learn about their true likes/dislikes and personality and whether they mesh well with yours. Knowing you haven't truly had this experience for any real length of time also adds to the anxiety. I have had a few past LDR's and in my experience, if it is meant to be it will work itself out just fine, with a little work of course.

Leftie22

Are you moving in with him, or getting your own place? If you're going straight from being long distance to living together, I can see that being a pretty challenging transition for anyone. Would it be possible for you to take a vacation and stay with him for a couple of weeks, before making the big leap? Then you could at least get a feel for what it would be like to be together all the time. It's a pretty big commitment for you to make, especially because you'd be the one moving, finding a job, etc. But hey, you only live once. I would just make sure I had a good backup plan in case it didn't work out.

VOR

O.k. - while we were never LDR, way back when - DH went to Atlanta for law school.  We had been dating a couple years already at this point.  We decided I would go too.

I felt SOOOOOO anxious after that decision.  The idea of up and moving my entire life was overwhelming.  I think the "unknown" and "change" are huge factors in a move like this.  Especially if you're moving away from your family and friends.   It's a BIG deal. 

 

Honestly, I think its more about all that than it really is about your relationship.  And really- you think a relationship will be BETTER long distance?  What happens when you want to get married, have kids, etc?  At some point - you're going to have to come together. 

Which is really why this isn't about the relationship as much as it is about making a huge move.

All that being said - I moved.  It was hard at first, but... in time, it became a great experience.  We moved back home after 3 years, but I was REALLY glad I did it.

Tofumonkey

Leftie22 said:

Are you moving in with him, or getting your own place? If you're going straight from being long distance to living together, I can see that being a pretty challenging transition for anyone. Would it be possible for you to take a vacation and stay with him for a couple of weeks, before making the big leap? Then you could at least get a feel for what it would be like to be together all the time. It's a pretty big commitment for you to make, especially because you'd be the one moving, finding a job, etc. But hey, you only live once. I would just make sure I had a good backup plan in case it didn't work out.

This is really great advice.

We did LDR a few times, even after marriage - but we met at a bar in Canada, had a relationship, then I moved overseas and we did LDR, then he moved over to join me, then we were living all over the place together and apart for a couple of years before getting married back in Canada, moving back to China together and then when I was transferred to England he stayed in China to finish up a few things for 8 months and we were LDR again, even after marriage.

It sucked, but it worked for us. One of the hardest things was having been accustomed to living independently and then suddenly living together again - it was always an adjustment. Glorious and heavenly and wonderful for the first week or two, then we would scrap about stupid stuff because we were adjusting - then back to normal.

This is why I think that you staying there for a couple of weeks as a trial would be an excellent idea, or you moving down there without living with each other first.

ebcrist

DH and I knew each other for a year, dated for two weeks, and then were LD for two years. A lot of the LD sucked, but we definitely were forced to do a lot of talking/trusting/learning about each other in ways that being close would not have necessarily afforded. 

I moved near him two months before we married, and then we moved in together when we were married. We definitely had adjustments and have always had normal quirks to work out living together, but being close was wonderful in a completely different way from Long Distance. Whether you are close or far, you always have to invest some work into a relationship and deal with quirks. I second what spike said....don't invest your entire life with no independent options in this move. You should be able to maintain your independent life while investing more closely in this next step of your relationship.

GilliC

I have the same anxieties. We started seeing each other while I was in town for a two-week business trip, and we decided to see where things went after I left. We were able to see each other for a few weeks at a time about every 2-3 months.

After a year, we decided that we were pretty tired of the 12-hour flights back and forth, but we weren't ready to make a huge leap. We agreed that our careers were still a higher priority than our being co-located, so we made arrangements to both find positions we liked on the same continent. By chance, we ended up in the same country, but different cities, so now we can visit each other on weekends. Honestly, I'm glad we were farther away at first, because it meant longer visits, and we could get an idea of what each other's lifestyle was like. Now that we're closer, the weekend visits feel more like a mini holiday than "real life."

He'll be able to transfer to my city after a few more years, if we're still together. I'm a little nervous about moving in together, so if his housing is still included in his contract, we might keep separate apartments for a while longer while we continue to adjust. I think we'd be okay moving in together, but I like the idea of taking things slow. As long as it's not a financial drain, there's really no reason to rush. We have our whole lives ahead of us.

The biggest thing is to make sure you have an out. I'd definitely be sure you have a job lined up that you really like, and check to be certain that you can afford your own place even if you're moving in together. Being dependent on someone else is a huge stress in any relationship, LD or otherwise!

spedrex07

Sounds exactly like my relationship. Dated for three months, then visited once a month. However, we weren't in a relationship technically because we didn't call eachother bf/gf. However we remained exclusive for eachother and talked most nights. I ended up moving with him, away from my family and everything I knew. At first I was excited. Then I became depressed because no one I knew was there. But now I adjusted and have a job and this is my home. I knew I loved him. I think it matters if you know you want to be with them forever and they feel the same, otherwise, you're just playing someone's fool. Of course if you're anxious have a back up savings plan that he knows nothing about and keep your stuff in your hometown storage unit and bring the big stuff over when you feel comfortable. I think with every move it is normal to have anxiety. My sister is moving in with us and she called me today saying she even feels anxious.

ameliamae23

Wow! Thanks for your advice, all.

To answer a few questions...
The plan will be to get my own place. I will be staying with him a month or so until I have a job and found an apartment.

As far as having an "out", I will be closer to my family, as they moved away from me years ago. Instead of a 13 hour drive, they will now be a 5 hour drive. I believe that if worse came to worse, I would be able to lean on them for support (as much as I would hate to do that!).

I think VOR said it well... it probably is more about me leaving my comfort zone than my anxiety related to my relationship. I wouldn't be moving for him if I didn't love him and think this was serious. We've already had the discussions regarding marriage and children, and seem to be on the same page there. We've even talked about finances, how we would react to certain financial scenarios, what our long term goals are.

Thanks for all the advice and discussion, it really did make me feel a lot better hearing from others who experienced LDR before.

If anyone else has any thoughts or advice, I'd be definitely glad to hear it!