Need advice on how to deal with new stepmother

davischic13

First, I apologize if this becomes a little ranty. My parents filed for divorce last year due to my father cheating (divorce was finalized at the end of January). Last Friday, he married his 24 year old girlfriend in a civil ceremony with only my grandparents invited. He is looking for my approval on his relationship and his new wife is just one year older than me - so I'm not quite sure how to deal with her. Advice?

FYI - w've never met (she doesn't live in the States) and the only contact we've had is when she commented on family photos on social sites.

zzbb

When my mother cheated then remarried to someone much younger.. I accepted that she was doing what made her happy and it had nothing to do with me. I was an adult so I never looked at him like a step-father just simply her husband.

I figure pick your battles and this one is already over so you are only doing yourself an injustice by sweating over the details.

Sillygirl45

What do you mean by "deal with her"? 

You need to place the blame for whatever you're feeling where it belongs...with your father. His wife's age isn't your business. How your parents marriage ended really isn't either. No one can truly knows what goes on in a marriage outside of the two people who are in it.

Maybe get some therapy to help you deal with how you're feeling. This is a very difficult situation for you to be in. Good luck.

Leftie22

I wouldn't blame you for feeling weird. You're allowed to feel however you feel about the situation. Obviously she's never going to be in a "mom" role to you, so I would just see how it goes when you do see her, and keep things civil. You don't have to become best friends or anything, just keep it polite. I think it makes things way more awkward whine someone starts trying to force a relationship if it doesn't happen naturally. Maybe she'll just be someone you see at family gatherings and make small talk with, and that's totally okay. If your dad is pressuring you to get to know her or befriend her, I would just tell him you need some time. He has to understand that you're in an awkward position and respect your feelings.

Kimbus22

My mom has been living with her boyfriend since she and my dad divorced 6 years ago.  Her boyfriend is actually younger than I am. I  just treat him like a normal person.  I'm polite, we have dinner, we chat.

It freaked me out for a long time at first and I wouldn't even be in the same room with him.  But eventually I realized all that was doing was hurting my relationship with my mom.  After I got pregnant with my son, I gave up and just started hanging out with them.  Her boyfriend treats her well and makes her happy.  And my kid adores him.  So I treat him like I would anyone else.

Tofumonkey

Easy. She's not your stepmother. She's your father's wife.

Not your stepmother. Get that out of your head and correct him firmly if it is ever brought up as anything but your father's wife.

I completely agree with the other posters - though I will give you a 'crap that sucks, I'm sorry' as well. 'Cause that is weird and it does suck.

But she's not your stepmother.

TarponMonoxide

His second wife.

I guess you will have to "make it up as you go along." How very odd you've never met her. That alone is already pretty spotty in itself.

davischic13

Thank you Nesties! I appreciate all the comments...I'm weirded out by it and it helps to know that I'm not alone! My father is pressuring me to meet her so he can plan a formal wedding so I will take all of your advice to take it slow and treat her like everyone else. Thankfully I have a little time before we get into any wedding planning (for me and my fiancé) so I hope the dirt settles soon!

christinekk

My dad has had 2 wives and 3 significant girlfriends over the years (in addition to my mom)!  I was always respectful of who he chose because he gave me and my bro the same respect.  You will never be able to respect her as a "mom" simply because of the age.  However, she could become a good friend... 

Who know how long it will last anyway...  I wouldn't spend too much energy on it.   

christinekk

How do your grandparents feel about it?  Maybe it would help you to follow their lead.  Whenever I'm in a dilemna, I think "what would great gram" do?  It always helps me make the right choice and she has been gone for 27 years.  There is wisdom in age... 

davischic13

My family has been torn apart due to the divorce and a family member's suicide attempt prior to the divorce so although that is great advice, I don't think anyone is really making clear decisions. My grandparents are closing ranks around my father - even to the point of not talking to me (they believe I'm picking sides with my Mum and while I don't agree with what my father has done, our problems resided with our relationship not his choices). I know everyone is doing the best they can with the situation, but I wouldn't say anyone is making great decisions across the board IMO...

ReturnOfKuus

Let me get this straight: your dad is doing the beebee bride thing of getting married, then having a fake wedding so he can play princess?  No wonder he isn't marrying someone his own damn age.

HiThere674

Kind of in this position as well. My dad and mom divorced years ago and then my dad married a woman who is younger than me! (I am 27 she is 22). It is weird, I'll admit it but I try not to think of the age difference because it is none of my business. She is not my "stepmom" she is my dad's wife. She isn't so bad. When I am in town, we do go out to dinner or hang out. She respects me as my dad's daughter and I respect her as his wife. She doesn't try to give me advice nor do I do that to her.
Is it possible that you are annoyed by the fact that this woman is the person your dad cheated with?

Sillygirl45

HiThere674 said:

Kind of in this position as well. My dad and mom divorced years ago and then my dad married a woman who is younger than me! (I am 27 she is 22). It is weird, I'll admit it but I try not to think of the age difference because it is none of my business. She is not my "stepmom" she is my dad's wife. She isn't so bad. When I am in town, we do go out to dinner or hang out. She respects me as my dad's daughter and I respect her as his wife. She doesn't try to give me advice nor do I do that to her.
Is it possible that you are annoyed by the fact that this woman is the person your dad cheated with?

This is great advice from someone who understands your predicament.

My dad's wife is a horrible, crazy bitch. I'm not just saying that as in I just don't like her, I'm saying years of irrational behavior. Her own children have nothing to do with her. May dad lives in denial. It's a long story (20 years long) but my point is, I would take a 22 year old who means well over the horrible crap I've had to deal with. If my dad weren't sick, I would have nothing to do with him at this point. For my own sanity, I can't cut him out completely. 

I'm 38, my parents divorced when I was 14. My mom cheated. I totally blamed her for years. As I've aged and they've both shared a little more, I see that the story just isn't that simple. 

I wish you good luck and you obviously have some great insight that no one is making great decisions right now. What's done is done. Maybe his wife isn't terrible. Maybe she is. Keep an open mind. She's also stuck in the middle of this. It doesn't mean you have to agree with him 100%, but don't take it out on her. You haven't even met her yet. 

As far as the wedding, yeah, I side eye it. That's just me though.

Again, I would suggest therapy. It's not easy to deal with other peoples actions. Good luck!

davischic13

HiThere674 said:

Kind of in this position as well. My dad and mom divorced years ago and then my dad married a woman who is younger than me! (I am 27 she is 22). It is weird, I'll admit it but I try not to think of the age difference because it is none of my business. She is not my "stepmom" she is my dad's wife. She isn't so bad. When I am in town, we do go out to dinner or hang out. She respects me as my dad's daughter and I respect her as his wife. She doesn't try to give me advice nor do I do that to her.
Is it possible that you are annoyed by the fact that this woman is the person your dad cheated with?

I'm not annoyed at the woman for my father cheating - I know it takes two to salsa but ultimately it was his decision to stray from his marriage. And truthfully, it isn't my marriage. I'm sad to see the hurt it has caused my family but it's more upsetting that my father decided to marry someone without letting us meet her first and now I'm being pressured to meet her for the "real" wedding. I've been seeing a therapist but I got caught up in my every day life when things seemed to hit a more "routine" feel (versus the craziness everything has been for the past year and a half). I've already made an appointment to go back but it helps to know I'm not the only one who has had to adjust to this type of situation...

HiThere674

Well, I do think that your dad is out of line about that. You are both adults but he at least owed you the chance to meet the woman before bringing her into the family. I can understand why you are upset and I can only hope that your dad will understand this. Is it possible to meet her before the "wedding" such as meeting at a restaurant or going out to coffee so at least this way you meet her outside of this event? Personally I think your dad jumped the gun a bit and perhaps should have made a move for you to meet his (then) fiance.

theholmanherd

My mom passed away 3 years ago. Since my grandmother never remarried after her husband died, I guess a part of me assumed the same about my dad. In truth, I never considered his dating again.

Last April, he met a woman online and they married in September. She caused some drama at first, and I didn't want to have anything to do with her.

After a few months of seeing my dad's health and happiness improving, however, changed my mind.

It will take getting used to, but give her the benefit of the doubt. She's not to blame. If anything, your dad is, but try to see it from his perspective, too.