Trouble in Paradise
LeaZ
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Leaving my DH
So, I am mostly a lurker here but with the situation I am in right now I felt like I had to post. My DH and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy in October, and ever since our relationship has deteriorated. Badly. My baby was born a week early, and my MIL had a plane ticket to arrive the day before my due date (lives on the East coast, we are in the West). She was intrusive, baby grabby and expected me to follow around behind and clean up after her, anytime I did not agree with her on something about the baby she would go to my DH and the two of them would gang up against me, even though in most cases DH and I had already discussed the issues and were (I thought) on the same page before MIL got involved. To make matters worse, my SIL (DH's older sister) had been nitpicking my home and my ability to care for her dear brother for months leading up to the birth of my son, and things only escalated with her from there. Finally, I had enough and tried speaking to DH about the situation, started out calmly but after he repeatedly dismissed my feelings and minimized the issues I was having it blew up into a fight between us after his mother left. She came back 2 weeks later for another 2 week visit in our home and the situation continued.
Ever since then he has been openly hostile towards me, and in fact called both his mother and sister to tell them that I hate them and that I don;t want them in our home (which I in no way said to him) I just asked that he support me and set some boundaries with his family (no going through drawers/cabinets, including me in decisions of when we will have houseguests staying with us, don't grab baby out of my arms, etc.). MIL was super nice and supportive to my face, but would call DH when he was at work to tell him how much I had hurt her feelings and how she would never be comfortable in my home again. All of this would just cause DH to come home from work and either ignore me completely, not even acknowledge that I was even there, or start a fight with me about how badly I hurt his mother. His sister also was calling him and fueling the fire, so to speak.
We started going to marriage counseling and he spent each session yelling at me about everything he thought I did wrong, when our counselor would try to step in and calm him down he would yell at her. So, ultimately I left and went to stay at my sister's house with the baby. DH is angry with me, but I felt like he left me no choice. This past week he told me that he no longer wanted to see our counselor and filed divorce papers, which he said he would serve me if I don't move home immediately. I responded that he can do what he feels he has to do, but that I cannot com back until we work through some of the issues in our relationship.
I saw our counselor individually after that session and she suggested I try to get him to see another counselor, but that if he cannot acknowledge the role his family has played in our troubles and come back to the relationship and support me as his wife then she doesn't see us being able to work through our issues.
I guess I am just at a loss right now, I never saw a hint of this behavior before my son was born, I always had a good relationship with my in-laws and DH and I were happy...very happy. I don't know what advice I am looking for, but it feels good to vent a little bit.
Re: Leaving my DH
His sister insisted on being involved during our last exchange of the baby and when I told him I was not comfortable with her being there they both became hostile towards me.
I never imagined that this man, who I loved with all of my heart and had a child with would ever turn on me like this. I would never treat him this way and my family has always treated him with kindness and respect, regardless of how they feel about him (they've seen him treat me badly and do not think I should've stayed this long).
I am shocked that anyone can be as hateful as his family has been, especially when there is a child involved.
You made the right decision -- see another counselor for yourself. You need to get this out of your system.
Wishing you luck. This guy was not fit to be a husband or father.
Retain an attorney on your own. YOU file first --- get your financial ducks together first and protect your assets, yourself and your kiddo.
I don't see any hope here for him. If he can't put you first, what have you even got? Nothing at all. So sorry to hear.
He's got character issues, temper issues, immaturity issues, marriage dynamic issues (he cannot put you first and that will trickle down to your son, also) and he's a pig overall -- how dare he threaten you with divorce if you did not return home!
By rights HE needs to move out and he needs to pay rent or the mortgage, --- you and the kiddo are to stay there ----while the divorce proceedings are taking place. What kind of a man will leave his child and former wife without decent shelter??
If you FILE, then the papers are SERVED!!! there is no one minus the other. Do not permit him to scare you or threaten you or manipulate you.
I would, though, ask an attorney if you leaving first would be considered abandonment -- fully explain what's been transpiring between you and the H when you talk to the attorney.
And have your H pay your legal fees as part of the divorce settlement.
You file FIRST. Get rid of this bad rubbish. And do it tomorrow.
I agree. He did not file. He is trying to manipulate you. Do you have your own finances? If so you need to remove his access to it. If you are planning on going through with leaving than you need to start getting your finances in order.
Safeguard them all --- change your PIN numbers, hide your credit cards and put your cash assets into another bank account he knows nothing of.
A retainer for an attorney will run him about fifteen hundred bucks. Unless he wants to DIY and since there's a kiddo and possible alimony involved and if there is real estate held jointly, he can't DIY --- but at any rate, this guy never filed. Not by the looks of what he said and what you reported.
Maybe run a credit report on him and on you.
One never knows.
And don't let him have you running scared. wow -- he's a bully straight out of the seventh grade.
We got pregnant very shortly after getting married, and with the majority of his family living out of state I had not spent a lot of time with them until the baby was born, which is why I feel kind of blind sided by what all has transpired in the past few months. It has gotten very ugly very quickly and I know that leaving was the right choice at the time for all of us.
I feel for you. One never knows, as I said ---- you didn't know these ILs well and you got caught between a rock and a hard place.
But he still should have stuck up for you. That's a given because the vow is "forsaking all others."
If you are spiritual, perhaps see a clergyperson.
I suggest a counselor because all of this hit you like a ton of bricks and none of this is your fault.
OP, I am sure that these problems with your H and your IL's existed well before you had your child...you may have not really noticed it or not thought much of it since your IL's live so far away, but these kinds of things don't just happen overnight. It's not really your fault though - this is totally a huge problem with your H. He clearly does not know what it means to be an equal partner and put you, his wife, first, and that is a shame.
You could always try seeing a different counselor with him, but I'm not sure if that would help since he seems very set in his shitty ways. His threats of divorce if you don't come home are disturbing - I don't want to come right out and say 'abusive' but I would proceed with caution. His threats and his little temper tantrums at the first counselor point in that direction. I wish I had some other advice to offer you, but I think what the other ladies recommended is a good start. Make sure you protect yourself, your assets, and your child. Good luck.
Can I ask - is he of a different cultural background? Because in some cultures, the wife takes a backseat to everyone else and is subservient to the H and family. If so, I'd advise you to really think long and hard whether or not this is what you want for your life and that of your child's. I'd seriously get out now while you can.
You've got a unique problem in the mix. Indeed it is "normal" for the wife to be the fifth wheel and for the mother to be the head of the family no matter what. If your H is from another culture, you'll need a counselor who speicalizes in cultural issues...IF you want to make a go of it -- but if you ask me, this is a lost cause.
He's childish and threatens you, to keep you at bay?
Just for that, he needs to jump in a lake.
Middle school nonsense, like I said -- what kind of a grown bunch of people act like this???
Ever since then he has been openly hostile towards me, and in fact called both his mother and sister to tell them that I hate them and that I don;t want them in our home (which I in no way said to him) I just asked that he support me and set some boundaries with his family (no going through drawers/cabinets, including me in decisions of when we will have houseguests staying with us, don't grab baby out of my arms, etc.). MIL was super nice and supportive to my face, but would call DH when he was at work to tell him how much I had hurt her feelings and how she would never be comfortable in my home again. All of this would just cause DH to come home from work and either ignore me completely, not even acknowledge that I was even there, or start a fight with me about how badly I hurt his mother. His sister also was calling him and fueling the fire, so to speak.
I don't think there is anything here for you and the kiddo. Stay safe with your child; pack it in altogether and file.
I think this is wise! (Hugs)
His mother sounds pushy and impolite; who grabs a kiddo out of somebody's arms? -- and if anything, she's immature as her daughter and her son is.