Handling husband's disrespectful friends years later

lms80

Several years ago, when my husband and I were engaged, we went through a rocky period in our relationship, where we fought a lot about nothing. We went out one night to a bar with many of his friends and their significant others. One particular woman knew my husband from college, though they didn't date, and she approached us. At one point, she laid her hand on his arm and made a comment about the time she accidentally saw him naked and what she liked about his manly parts. All together it was maybe 2 or 3 sentences. My husband didn't say anything at the time and for years now, I wish I had spoken up. I think I was so appalled that I was speechless and then the woman left.

A few months later, my husband went out again, this time without me. When he got in that night, he immediately told me that a (now ex-) coworker had kissed him at the bar but he stopped it as soon as it began. I do not recall the conversation he had with her after that. I grilled him about it at the time and felt satisfied with his responses, although truthfully its been a thorn in my side for these past years.

Recently, I saw both of these women in my husband's friends list on Facebook. I'm having a hard time accepting his friendship with the ladies who have disrespected me. While he may no longer see them, or even have active communication, aside from an occasional "Like" on his pictures, should I ask him to unfriend them? He thinks I'm just being a silly nag. Am I? Should I just let all of this go?

Thank you in advance for your sincere responses.

WendyGR

yes, let it go. It happened several years ago. He is with you now. You weren't married at the time in a relationship you admit was rocky. 

ebcrist

Honestly that would make me uncomfortable too. Regardless, your DH should respect you and the rationality of the situation to unfriend them on FB without being upset about it. My DH has unfriended one or two close friends because I was uncomfortable about them for good reasons (He actually made the decision by himself because he was looking out for me. I appreciated that).

TarponMonoxide

lms80 said:

Several years ago, when my husband and I were engaged, we went through a rocky period in our relationship, where we fought a lot about nothing. We went out one night to a bar with many of his friends and their significant others. One particular woman knew my husband from college, though they didn't date, and she approached us. At one point, she laid her hand on his arm and made a comment about the time she accidentally saw him naked and what she liked about his manly parts. All together it was maybe 2 or 3 sentences.

Wow.

I am guessing the 2 of you didn't know what to do -- it is possible she might have had one too many --- or maybe not -- but if I was there and somebody came up to me and made comments like that to me about me, I'd have politely excused myself and got out of there stat.

My husband didn't say anything at the time and for years now, I wish I had spoken up. I think I was so appalled that I was speechless and then the woman left. A few months later, my husband went out again, this time without me. When he got in that night, he immediately told me that a (now ex-) coworker had kissed him at the bar but he stopped it as soon as it began.

Here is where it gets flakey around the edges --- he should have left when he saw her or told the bartender to intervene. I don't think this was another drunken move; this chick sounds nuts...and like she still has designs on your H.

I do not recall the conversation he had with her after that. I grilled him about it at the time and felt satisfied with his responses, although truthfully its been a thorn in my side for these past years. Recently, I saw both of these women in my husband's friends list on Facebook.

THis sounds fishy immedaitely. He needs no contact with these women. Not necessary.

I'm having a hard time accepting his friendship with the ladies who have disrespected me. While he may no longer see them, or even have active communication, aside from an occasional "Like" on his pictures, should I ask him to unfriend them? He thinks I'm just being a silly nag. Am I? Should I just let all of this go? Thank you in advance for your sincere responses.

I don't think the issue is you asking him to unfriend them.

The issue is why is he in contact with them at all.

This sounds bad already; please monitor the situation carefully. And if it turns out he is indiscretely involved with both or either of these people, give thought to showing him the door.

VOR

The first woman... eh, whatever.  It was 2 or 3 sentences, she may have been drunk, and she may be someone who just doesn't have boundaries.  I wouldn't make this personal about you, how she "disrespected" you, or whatever. People say and do dumb/inappropriate things sometimes.   You really need to let this one go.

The second woman, though?  Um, yeah.  She tried to KISS your now DH.  And I assuming while knowing he was engaged.  Yeah.  I'd be pretty pissed.  And i'd pose it to your DH - "REALLY think about it.  how would you feel if I was FB friends w a guy who made a move on me while we were together? REALLY think about it". 

Disneygeek77

I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it too.  My main concern would be why would he want to be FB friends with these woman ?  I mean you can tell him to defriend them all you want to, but that fact that he is still in touch with them would make me uncomfortable.

Sillygirl45

Yeah, I'm with the "why would he be Facebook friends with them on the first place" camp. 

I'm not friends with any ex coworkers who tried to make a pass at me...and there wouldn't be any reason to be. 

The first chick, eh, she was probably drunk and it was years ago...but I still don't see why he would be friends with her.

Kimbus22

The first woman wouldn't bother me at all. The second one I'd ask why he was friends with her.

GilliC

lms80 said:

Several years ago, when my husband and I were engaged, we went through a rocky period in our relationship, where we fought a lot about nothing. We went out one night to a bar with many of his friends and their significant others. One particular woman knew my husband from college, though they didn't date, and she approached us. At one point, she laid her hand on his arm and made a comment about the time she accidentally saw him naked and what she liked about his manly parts. All together it was maybe 2 or 3 sentences. My husband didn't say anything at the time and for years now, I wish I had spoken up. I think I was so appalled that I was speechless and then the woman left. A few months later, my husband went out again, this time without me. When he got in that night, he immediately told me that a (now ex-) coworker had kissed him at the bar but he stopped it as soon as it began. I do not recall the conversation he had with her after that. I grilled him about it at the time and felt satisfied with his responses, although truthfully its been a thorn in my side for these past years. Recently, I saw both of these women in my husband's friends list on Facebook. I'm having a hard time accepting his friendship with the ladies who have disrespected me. While he may no longer see them, or even have active communication, aside from an occasional "Like" on his pictures, should I ask him to unfriend them? He thinks I'm just being a silly nag. Am I? Should I just let all of this go? Thank you in advance for your sincere responses.

For the first woman, I would consider it a non-issue. It was a couple of possibly-drunk comments, probably said in jest. Years ago. Holding this grudge is really only hurting you.

As for the second woman, yes that's highly inappropriate. However, I'm going to guess that he was Facebook friends with her before this happened? Honestly, if a friend/colleague/whatever made an unwanted pass at me, my first order of business would probably not be "OMG! I need to defriend them on Facebook!" It probably wouldn't even occur to me until something from the person showed up in my feed.

Sillygirl45

GilliC said:

lms80 said:

Several years ago, when my husband and I were engaged, we went through a rocky period in our relationship, where we fought a lot about nothing. We went out one night to a bar with many of his friends and their significant others. One particular woman knew my husband from college, though they didn't date, and she approached us. At one point, she laid her hand on his arm and made a comment about the time she accidentally saw him naked and what she liked about his manly parts. All together it was maybe 2 or 3 sentences. My husband didn't say anything at the time and for years now, I wish I had spoken up. I think I was so appalled that I was speechless and then the woman left. A few months later, my husband went out again, this time without me. When he got in that night, he immediately told me that a (now ex-) coworker had kissed him at the bar but he stopped it as soon as it began. I do not recall the conversation he had with her after that. I grilled him about it at the time and felt satisfied with his responses, although truthfully its been a thorn in my side for these past years. Recently, I saw both of these women in my husband's friends list on Facebook. I'm having a hard time accepting his friendship with the ladies who have disrespected me. While he may no longer see them, or even have active communication, aside from an occasional "Like" on his pictures, should I ask him to unfriend them? He thinks I'm just being a silly nag. Am I? Should I just let all of this go? Thank you in advance for your sincere responses.

For the first woman, I would consider it a non-issue. It was a couple of possibly-drunk comments, probably said in jest. Years ago. Holding this grudge is really only hurting you.

As for the second woman, yes that's highly inappropriate. However, I'm going to guess that he was Facebook friends with her before this happened? Honestly, if a friend/colleague/whatever made an unwanted pass at me, my first order of business would probably not be "OMG! I need to defriend them on Facebook!" It probably wouldn't even occur to me until something from the person showed up in my feed.

I agree with this if they were already Facebook friends. I read it as this was a newish development. 

WendyGR

I'm clarifying my original advice - I was under the assumption that it was a large group of friends that are still friends. Example: DH is friends with a lot of people he used to do motocross with in high school and throughout college. There was a lot of hitting on each other and people coming in and out of the group. I didn't know him back then, so maybe it's different. But I do know that some of his facebook friends hit on him at some point, and some of the guys are friends with girls they slept with back then, even though they are now married to other people. My best friend is even friends with the girl who cheated on her now husband (before my best friend came along). I thought it was kind of weird at first but in a group that close knit things are going to happen. 

GilliC

Sillygirl45 said:

I read it as this was a newish development. 

lms80 said:

Recently, I saw both of these women in my husband's friends list on Facebook...While he may no longer see them, or even have active communication, aside from an occasional "Like" on his pictures...

To me that sounds like they could have been FB friends for a while, since they don't have "active communication."

@lms80 Care to clarify?

daisy662

These women are not disrespecting you. Your husband is. Who cares if he is fb friends with them? You have a bigger issue and that is that you don't trust your husband.

Leftie22

I think it's weird that he's facebook friends with these women, especially the one who tried to kiss him. He's being pretty inappropriate, in my opinion. And of course he's going to pretend you're the one with the problem, because that way he can continue being inappropriate and making you feel like you're just insecure. It's disrespectful.

billieholiday

i am wondering how the bartender is supposed to intervene. LOL!  how emasculating would that have been to have to ask a bartender to protect you from a woman at a bar.