Married Life
leamide
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Splitting up chores
in Married Life
Major vent here, but I am trying to get my dear hubby to help out around the house more than he does now. I am feeling like I'm the only one who can see the trash needs taken out, the laundry needs don, the dog needs cleaned up after etc. I also don't feel like every time I leave the house I should have to ask him to do this or that, but I am getting extremely frustrated with being the one who is constantly doing everything or asking to get things done. I am also frustrated when he does his tasks around the house, he will wait until the last possible minute to get things done, is it wrong that I feel the dishes should be cleaned up right after dinner is done and not 3-4 hours later?!?!?! Or that he spends all day away from the house and comes home and has to do nothing, but if I do the same have a pile of chores to do?!?!?! I'm about ready to blow and take it out on him big time, but I know that will just make everything worse.
How are the chores in your house hold divided?
Re: Splitting up chores
I've also heard making a chore list really helps some couples. Maybe have a list on the fridge and ask if he could take care of a few things each day?
I would start by making a list of everything that needs to be done -daily and weekly. Show this to him. Seeing it all written down might have a bit of an impact.
Then - ask him which ones he would like to do. And phrase it in a "we're a team, this is OUR home, we both need to help keep it up..... so, what do you want to do to help out?".
One word of caution, though - be careful about micromanaging (and if you plan to eventually have kids (although, I STRONGLY suggest getting this worked out first....), this applies to childcare too). If he waits a couple hours to do the dishes BUT gets them done, so what? If you want him to help but then micromanage how he does it - it's not going to help the situation.
Different =/= wrong. Just different.
Wrong --- kids need responsibility. They also need to know how to DO things: Iron, mow the lawn, help out with automotives, help out with dinner/help cook and prepare the meal -- yes, both sexes need to know how to cook, learn to sew ( you will always need to sew a button or hem something you're wearing, like a skirt or pair of pants) and you need to learn how to do mundane things --- mow the lawn, set the table, dust, wash the floor, pick up after yourself so you don't have a room that's in squalor and so forth.
We had chores and "to do" things as kids and teens. Now you're a mean parent if you "make" you kids do these things.
He has to pitch in. Tell him no holds barred you are tired of pulling the entire load. He can't sit by and do nothing.
My husband gets bothered when things get cluttered, but he hasn't made the connection yet that when he gets home from work, and brings all of his mail, jacket, clipboard, keys, etc., and puts it on the kitchen table....it looks cluttered. lol. He doesn't like the mess, but I still have to remind him to put his stuff where it goes.
It helps a lot that I have a weekly chore list. Chores are color coded for mine, his, and ours, and he can select something off the list when he has time, instead of being bombarded with it all at once. Even with the list, he doesn't always notice things that need to be taken care of, so I do occasionally point things out, or suggest something specific off the list when he has free time.
Having clear expectations of things that need to be done every day vs. every week, or month, will help. I worked out a schedule, and had him make suggestions to it, so we were in agreement. For us, if he wants to wait until the last minute to take care of certain stuff, I"m fine with it, as long as it gets done. There are some exceptions, like if we have company coming, or if the dishes that he was supposed to take care of are preventing me from cooking, etc.
Personally, I like it when we do our chores at the same time. It means we get to relax at the same time, too! So cleaning often happens in our home when I start cleaning something, and then encourage him to pick something to take care of as well. Leaning when/how to suggest something took a few trial and errors, but I think I got it....he never complains.
Having to ask/tell/remind your husband to clean can get annoying, but it is much easier than taking care of everything yourself!
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In our house, I do inside stuff and he does outside stuff. When one of us needs help, we just ask the other one. Ahead of time and with specifics. I'll say, "Tomorrow afternoon I want to get this place cleaned up. Can you please handle the trash and the floors while I do x,y and z." Then I repeat when it's time to start the next day.
Seriously we spent years fighting about this stuff until I finally realized my micromanaging just made him want to help even less. Just go with the flow. If you ask him to do the dishes and he dose it at midnight instead of right after dinner, what's the big deal? You're still not waking up to dried on food in the sink.
This isn't the ONLY solution, obviously. But as a last resort? SOmetimes it's necessary.
My DH works long odd hours, so alot of the times I'm doing everything on my own and I work FT time too, but a regular 9-5. If he is home, he will wash the dishes after I cook. But i choose to dry and put them away right away because i cant stand to look at it all night. I can be somewhat of a neat freak so I just do what makes me happy. If I need him to take out the garbage, I just ask. If i want the bed made and he goes to work after me, I ask.
To me, its not worth the battle. I know he isn't a clean freak like me. Don't get me wrong there are times when i yell, put your clothes in the &*^&* hamper, but its not worth a huge fight.
Quite honestly I think that you're the one that's, "projecting some of her own frustration onto [her] post."
@billieholiday I thought the same thing at first. Your post was very easy to misinterpret:
In my house I'm actually the one more likely to just throw stuff down and leave it. I have a bad habit of leaving shoes and coats all over the place. Since I knew DH was sick of tripping over them we invested in 3 large shoe racks and stuck them in the front entry closet. We also acquired a coat rack, cleaned out and trashed all the old stuff in the foyer closet and bought giant bins to hold the scarfs and gloves. It helped immensely. It was the same with the mail and keys. I actually love my mail rack since it can hold several sets of keys. It also helps keep the crap out of the rest of the home.
I'll admit, when we first cohabitated it was a difficult adjustment for both of us since we were both stubbornly set in our ways. It definitely took some adjusting. Hubby usually does this dishes since I cook, but he and only once, complained that he doesn't believe one meal could create so many dishes. My head almost exploded. I made him call his sister so she could have a laugh over it. In addition, he washes and dries most of the laundry since I am afraid of the basement. I know it's irrational, but it's old, creepy and has spiders. To make up for him running up and down two flights of stairs I sort it out for him and then fold and put it away. I organize my clothes in a certain manner and wouldn't be able to find what he wanted if he just put them away. In addition he does the bills, lawn, garbage, most of the vacuming and snow removal. I mop the floors, clean the bathroom and shred junk mail We both clean the kitchen.
BTW, I once told him I was not his "mommy" and they he had to put his own clothes away. He actually agreed with me. I was stunned. I don't recommend this tactic for every man. They reason I put his clothes away now is because I am between jobs. I figure if he can go out and make the big bucks at least I can put away his socks and undies.