Should I forgive without an apology?

Princessbabe0704

My parents got a divorce when I was 5. My dad moved across the country with his new wife to "start their life" together. My dad has never really been apart of my life. My step mom from day 1 was emotionally abusive. I put up with it to be a respectful daughter since I only saw them once a year. My stepmom was and is head of the household, she makes all decisions and even tells my dad how to think and feel. When I got married in 2008 is when things started to get out of hand. My step mom is not liked by my moms family for how she treated my brother and I, so she was really uncomfortable at our wedding. After the wedding my dad told me he enjoyed himself and that everyone was really friendly. A couple weeks later my stepmom called me and told me how terrible it was and that my dad was uncomfortable but didnt have the heart to tell me.
I became pregnant quickly after we got married, when I told my stepmom she was quick to say "how dare you make me a grandma before I turn 40?" SHe also said she would tell my sisters after the weekend so they could enjoy their weekend. Next time I talked to my dad I talked to him about what she said and how it upset me. She lied to him and told him she never said it!
After my daughter was born they came to visit. I was upset with how things were handled with that situation that it was hard to be nice to overly nice to her. I still interacted with her while she was here, and it was obvious there was tension between us.
My dad wrote me a letter expressing how he was upset about my behavior! I ended up writing him back tellung him how it was, probably not the best way to handle the situation. I received a letter from my stepmom saying she cant believe what i wrote.
I havent talked to them since and its been 5 years. I now have 2 children. I would be able to forgive them if my stepmom apologized for being emotionally abusive, but that wont happen. My dad told my brother I need to apologize and give a good explanation on why I want a relationship. The only reason I would want a relationship is for my kids to know who their grandpa is. I would apologize and pursue a relationship with my ONLY my dad, but I know this wont happen. The hardest part about this scenario is the fact that he has MS. He's had it for over 10 years. Im stuck...should I apologize just to have a relationship? Or do i keep moving forward without them?

Kimbus22

In your situation I'd just move on.  It's been 5 years.  He's not going to change and his wife is never going to be a good influence over him or your children. Kids sense tension and I see no reason to put them through it.  They've never known him so it's not like they miss him.

TarponMonoxide

Princessbabe0704 said:

My parents got a divorce when I was 5. My dad moved across the country with his new wife to "start their life" together. My dad has never really been apart of my life. My step mom from day 1 was emotionally abusive. I put up with it to be a respectful daughter since I only saw them once a year. My stepmom was and is head of the household, she makes all decisions and even tells my dad how to think and feel.

I would have straight away banned her from my wedding and if Dear Ole Dad didn't like it, he could have stayed home.

Sad for you he's such a spineless weasel he never stuck up for what was right from day one. She sounds crackers.


When I got married in 2008 is when things started to get out of hand. My step mom is not liked by my moms family for how she treated my brother and I, so she was really uncomfortable at our wedding. After the wedding my dad told me he enjoyed himself and that everyone was really friendly. A couple weeks later my stepmom called me and told me how terrible it was and that my dad was uncomfortable but didnt have the heart to tell me.

Might I ask why you didn't tell her to screw off? WHY did you talk to her at all?

Starting here and now I think you need to cut the both of them off; tell your dad exactly why you are dong it. Enough is enough and you don't need abuse.

I became pregnant quickly after we got married, when I told my stepmom she was quick to say "how dare you make me a grandma before I turn 40?"

This is your father's second wife.

Since she did not have any maternal interaction in your upbringing, she is not your stepmother.


SHe also said she would tell my sisters after the weekend so they could enjoy their weekend. Next time I talked to my dad I talked to him about what she said and how it upset me. She lied to him and told him she never said it! After my daughter was born they came to visit. I was upset with how things were handled with that situation that it was hard to be nice to overly nice to her. I still interacted with her while she was here, and it was obvious there was tension between us. My dad wrote me a letter expressing how he was upset about my behavior! I ended up writing him back tellung him how it was, probably not the best way to handle the situation. I received a letter from my stepmom saying she cant believe what i wrote. I havent talked to them since and its been 5 years.


I was commenting as I was reading. Glad to see you cut them off.

Don't bother to "reconcile." Please let a sleeping dog lie. She is horrible and your father is just as bad. Do not contact them.

I now have 2 children. I would be able to forgive them if my stepmom apologized for being emotionally abusive, but that wont happen. My dad told my brother I need to apologize and give a good explanation on why I want a relationship. The only reason I would want a relationship is for my kids to know who their grandpa is. I would apologize and pursue a relationship with my ONLY my dad, but I know this wont happen. The hardest part about this scenario is the fact that he has MS. He's had it for over 10 years. Im stuck...should I apologize just to have a relationship? Or do i keep moving forward without them?

Do not open this can of worms. You don't need them.

See a counselor. You'll get kudos for ending a codependency and a horrible relationship and you'll find out how to heal from his mess and hers.

Wishing you luck.

Ilumine

Here is a twist on this.  

As a mother, do you want your children to be the 'red-headed step grandchildren'?  Because deep down you know that your children will never ever be treated right.  

So why WOULD you want a relationship with your father?  

PnkBride

Move on. Your dad has made his choices. For your own sanity, move on. HUGS!

VOR

Ilumine said:

Here is a twist on this.  

As a mother, do you want your children to be the 'red-headed step grandchildren'?  Because deep down you know that your children will never ever be treated right.  

So why WOULD you want a relationship with your father?  

This.  I really think that most people who come here and talk about wanting their kids to have a relationship w/ their grandparents - no matter how screwy the situation - it's w/ some ideal in their heads of the "norman rockwell" concept of grandparents, family involvement, etc. 

But it won't be like that.  Ever.  You KNOW how your dad is, you know what his wife is like.  Whatever relationship you have with them - it's not going to be "la la la, we're one big happy family!".  You KNOW this. 

And clearly, your stepmother - while you feel she owes you an apology, she's probably saying the same thing to your father about you.  She twists things around, lies, etc.  And your dad FALLS FOR IT.  HE clearly isn't very interested in having his grandkids know him, right?  So why are you now considering chasing after them like a little puppy?

cloudymeatballs

I am so sorry about this for you. That really sucks. I, personally, would probably talk to my Dad one more time. I would really explain to him my problem with his wife and how yes, while you would like to have your children know his grandkids he would need to step it up and quit letting his wife act like such a biatch to you and your family. If he is willing to grow some balls and act like a true man instead of a little puppet then you would love to have him in your kids' lives. Yet, if he will not then there ya go...As a father he should know better, but sad to say, he may be a lost cause. Good luck. I just know how precious family is and wouldn't want to lose my dad then one day wishing I would have tried one more time to make things right. Life is short. Hope things work out for you!!! xo

Sillygirl45

I've spent the last 20 years trying to figure out why my dad's wife hates me, what I could have done wrong, and what I can do to fix it. I've also spent that long trying to figure out how my dad, who has known me his whole life, can side with someone who lies, cheats, is lazy, and has done completely insane things right in front of him...then he denies these things (he saw with his own two eyes) ever happened. 

Guess what...it's not me or anyone/anything else she has blamed her crazy behavior on. It's her. And if that's how he wants to spend his life, that's up to him. 

Once I realized that it wasn't me (I mean REALLY accepted it's not me) I felt so much better. It's helped me learn to let go of a lot of things I can't control. 

You don't want your kids around these two. You don't need these toxic people in your life. Like VOR said, it's not going to be what you want on your head. It's going to be the same dysfunctional crap. Let it be. 

spikeinc

    Your Dad abandoned you for all intents and purposes when you were 5 and he left you to go have a "new life" with this horrid woman. I can understand how hard it is to let go of the idea of having a father and a grandfather to your kids. There is always the thought that maybe you could change it and it would get get better. 

    After 20 years of watching my stepmother or as Tarpon says, my Dad's second wife manipulate and lie to my father and convince him his three kids are all bad, she finally won. My father just recently wrote his three kids emails stating he needs a "break" from us for a few months to be stress free. Funny that we all rarely speak to him as it is. Like your father, he sides with his wife over us every time regardless. I ,too, would like him to act like a grandfather and actually care. 

     Unfortunately, you have to accept the person your father is. He is weak willed and if he truly cared he would make an effort. He saw you once a year? How does that show caring and love? My father can say he loves us all he wants but I have had to come to the conclusion that his actions are what really count. Go see a counselor to help you through this.

VOR

To come back to this - really THINK about what your relationship has been like w/ your dad and how disappointed you've been.

he's a grandfather now - and what does that do?  Um, nothing.  HE has made no effort in FIVE years to reach out to you, to know your kids. 

What is it about him that you want your kids to "know"?  Trust me- if he's shown no interest in them in 5 years, you apologizing to him in order to have a "relationship" - it's only going to become more of the same.  And it won't just be you who's possibly upset.  it will also be your kids. 

This is what you need to realize.  You HAVE to work w/ what reality is.  not with what you want it to be. 

ReturnOfKuus

I honestly think you should tell your dad to go fuck himself and then never talk to him again.

Princessbabe0704

Thanks for the help! Im glad that everyone agrees with my decision thus far. Its hard because we are wired to "love" our family, so I would go back and forth with myself on whether I made the right decision.

Disneygeek77

Let me tell you what it is like from the kid's perspective.  My grandfather's second wife was just terrible to my dad and his siblings.  Well when the grandkids came along, she was horrible to us too.  I'm talking calling us brats ( which we were not), saying we were stupid or fat or ugly, going out of her way to give us the worst Christmas presents she can find ( like underwear from a garage sale) while her own grandchildren got gifts from Macy's.  Do you know what my parent's did ?  Not a damn thing that is what they did.  They let this woman emotional abuse us kids for decades and did nothing to stop it.  I still have anger towards them for letting that happen for so long.  I suppose my parent's just tolerated that kind of behavior because they believed that is what families do.  I have talked to my mom about it and she said that was the worst parenting mistake she ever made.  If she could go back in time she would have insisted that they be cut out of our lives when I was a toddler.  

Please know that this won't end with you, this will continue to your own children.  Trust me, we would have been better off with no grandfather in our life instead of a crappy one.  Don't make the same mistake my parent's did.