Trouble in Paradise
always4278
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Betrayal and Forgiveness
Yesterday my bf (we've been together 8 years and have a 3 year old, so not a casual bf) finally told me about a girl that he had a crush on in the fall. I had suspected something was up with this particular girl in his group of friends but he always denied it. We've had a lot of problems though out our relationship but in October we were at the best place we'd ever been in. Suddenly everything changed. He was distant and angry and told me he was depressed. He had just started a new job so I thought maybe it was the stress of that. This particular girl was hardly mentioned and pretty much he made it sound like he disliked her.
We had some heart to heart conversations over the past few weeks and were working through some other issues around finances and things between us and I was starting to think things were getting back on track. Two days ago his phone rang at 7 am and it was that girl. I got very angry but he claimed later that she only was calling because he had found her iPod the day before. Then yesterday evening his phone rang and it was her again! I demanded he answer her call in front of me but he wouldn't. After that is when he told me he had started to have a crush on her last semester but then put a stop to it. He swore up and down that nothing happened physically and that they never hung out outside of school. He's also going to school full time right now as well as working. He said they would study in public places and nothing went beyond that. I asked why the heck she was still calling him then because obviously she thought that was ok. He said he had told her the day before that he no longer wanted to hang out with her and I guess he said it hurt her feelings so she kept trying to call. He said two weeks ago they worked together on a project and thats when she started trying to hang out with him again. To be honest I do believe he never took things past a flirty friendship but at the same time all the lying has led me to feel completely betrayed. He has said up and down that he is sorry and he will do anything. He did end up texting her and showing me their conversation and him saying that he didn't want to study together or anything anymore. She didn't write back. He has said he would switch his major or anything I want to try to make me feel better. The thing is I just want to trust him and now I don't.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with this type of betrayal. Is this enough to end my relationship or is there a way to repair what has been done? I just don't know and I feel so sad. 
He says he knows that he messed up big time and that he will comply with anything I need in regards to what he does or who he hangs out with and me being paranoid and untrusting of him. The thing is that's not the type of relationship I want. I want one were I trust the other person. This has never happened in the past of our relationship in any other way shape or form. And he didn't cheat but the lying still breaks my heart. I think innocent crushes aren't really a big deal but him lying and hiding her is.
He says he knows that he messed up big time and that he will comply with anything I need in regards to what he does or who he hangs out with and me being paranoid and untrusting of him. The thing is that's not the type of relationship I want. I want one were I trust the other person. This has never happened in the past of our relationship in any other way shape or form. And he didn't cheat but the lying still breaks my heart. I think innocent crushes aren't really a big deal but him lying and hiding her is.Any insight would be appreciated and sorry this was so long.
Re: Betrayal and Forgiveness
Have you ever considered that might be a possibility?
Why is this person calling your bf at such an early hour? this is only about an iPod that he has that is hers? I don't think so.
Perhaps you're better off calling it a day, calling this relationship quits and getting out. If he's not going to get chummy and have an inappropriate relationship with this young woman, he sure witll with another.
My point was that if he was not interested in being committed to her then that should have been a red flag especially with a child. I know my values are conservative but i believe that it is better for a child to have a mother and father involved in their day to day life as opposed to being shuffled between two homes with girlfriends or boyfriends and step parents and all that goes along with that. I believe it is in the best interest of the child for parents who committed themselves to each other and decided to bring a child into this world to stay together and make the child's life as wonderful as possible. I believe once you have children it isn't about you anymore but about your child. Again, unless there are extenuating circumstances. I think the situation OP describes is pretty ridiculous because she flat out says her relationship has always had issues yet she chose to bring a child into it. Seems there were a lot of red flags she ignored along the way.
WHY would you stay with him if you already don't trust him. Especially if he's blaming you and "he wanted our relationship to end because I wasn't treating him good". Give him what he wants, DTMF.
I also can't understand why lingering issues with your ex (who I assume is previous to this guy?) has anything to do with THIS crappy relationship.
You need to get some help. Your current partner is saying he wants to break up, you don't trust him (and aren't sure you ever will), and you say it's not going well.
Writing's on the wall. Get out. Get out NOW.
Why do you want a guy like that?? And why do you want a relationship full of problems?
Just based on that, say goodbye to him.
And it would have been ever so much easier to go out the door if no kiddo was in the picture. Call me a prude and horribly old fashioned but I can't see why you brought a child into a marriageless relationship -- and I can't see why you had a child considering the whole relationship was rocky and full of strife.
Say goodbye to this guy and go. Make sure you get child support; see an attorney to make that happen.
HOWEVER, the key to this is that the friendship cannot be a distraction from the relationship, and the people in the relationship have to completely trust and be faithful with one another. Without these two elements, you end up in the predicament you're in...