Marital bumps in the road...

MsChicagoFan

Not sure where to post this, because this issue seems so minor compared to what others are going through, but I feel like I am going to lose my mind if I don't vent/get some advice.

My DH and I have been together for over 5 years, and are recently married (6 mos). When we first moved in together, he was the "neat freak" and we split responsibilities of the home about 70/30 (70 him, 30 me). I've always done all the cooking and we would grocery shop and do most "every day" things together. Then he started getting upset that he was doing most things, and so I made an effort to make things more 50/50. 

I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere along the way, more and more responsibilities started falling on me. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, lunch-making, deep cleaning, dusting, etc. It has even gotten to the point where he "forgets" to feed the dogs! To make things worse, he has gotten in to the habit of constantly being on his computer before and after dinner. He refuses to just watch TV with me, saying that it bores him. I've asked him to suggest other activities, but he just wants to be on his computer surfing the internet. It hurts me because I feel that he is isolating himself from me, even when we are in the same room.

I have explained to him (and I really feel this way) that it's not about who has "more" responsibility, but rather, how mindful we are of each other's needs, our home, etc. 

I think what bothers me about our day-to-day, is that so many of the things I do are about keeping our home/marriage intact, whereas I feel as if he is on his own path just doing what he needs to do for himself and not our partnership. 

Today when we talked about it, he asked me if I could start "reminding" him when there are things I want done. However, I want the new habit to be mindfulness. At almost 30 years old, I feel like I should not have to remind him that the bathroom needs cleaning, or that it would be nice if he'd pick up dinner every once in a while. And besides, I am his wife, not his mother.

Is there any way to get my DH to practice being mindful without having to be a nag?

cloudymeatballs

I would probably make some sort of list. SInce you two are supposed to be splitting up the chores and have to agreed it, make a list. Put it up and check off when you do things. Tell him to look it over and he can decide when to do his chores. Men get very very easily used to NOT helping out it seems. Ask him how this would work for him. If he continues to not do things, then I would sit down and have a talk with him.

JMalettas

 I seriously came on here to vent, & get some advice about the *exact same thing!* I also feel bad complaining, because it could be so much worse. My H is caring, and thoughtful, but lately things seem so 80/20. (My portion being the 80%). We both split the household bills 50/50, and I pay for the car payment & insurance. His truck crapped out recently, so we've been sharing my vehicle, that he pays 1/2 the gas for. I've always been the neat freak, and organized one, but we always seemed to share responsibilities before. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting married, (we've been married now for 7 months), & bought our new house in December. I've always been the one to clean the house and all that, (which I don't mind), but usually he'd help out in whatever way without being asked. Which to me, at least acknowledged that I do most of it, and that he's willing to help too. Or if I did ask, he'd willingly help me do whatever was needed to get done. Lately, it's like I 'have' to ask to get any help, or have him do something I can't, and 1/2 the time he has an excuse as to why he can't, or hasn't gotten to it. (Which is never anything overly legitimate). I feel like I'm nagging, but at the same time, if I don't ask, it won't ever get done. Then last night was like the breaking point, (after feeling this way for a while & getting nowhere). I had asked if he didn't mind shampooing the bedroom carpet, as I had to return the machine today. So I explained to him how to do it, and left to finish tidying the house. When I went downstairs, he was doing it completely wrong, and not using the soap part correctly. (No biggie). So I tried explaining that he can't use it like a regular vacuum, because although it looks like one, that's not how they work. So he continued doing it the way he was before, saying it was working just fine. So out of frustration, I said I would do it, if he was going to do it wrong to get out of doing it anyways. So, I finished shampooing the BR carpet, & quickly did the LR carpet as well. Then just before we were about to head to bed, I asked if he didn't mind letting the dogs outside, to which he answered, 'Don't you want to? I did it last night.' Then went down to the bedroom. This is after I made his lunch, made coffee for the morning, tidied the house, folded our laundry that I washed, and put it away, 'then' had to clean the carpets. All while he was playing on his computer. Are you kidding me???? Lol. I know it's totally minor stuff, but it's *so* frustrating! I feel like a full out maid service. I feel like he assumes I'm going to do everything, so he doesn't need to. I take care of paying all of the bills, (he does contribute 50% financially though). If there's something wrong with the house, I'm the one making phone calls. When we bought the house, I was the one dealing with the realtors, and lawyers, and setting up the inspection, and taking on the full responsibility of everything that had to be done. He has no idea the amount of work that goes into making things 'work' in a house hold. Financially, or in everyday, or weekly tasks. I think he just assumes everything works itself out. You can't just leave things until the problem is something drastic. Life doesn't work that way. (How do you say that without sounding like you're talking down to him though). Ugh, I just feel drained with it all. I've mentioned I feel I'm taking on more of the load than he is, and he says the same thing, 'to remind him, or he'll try to get to things sooner', and then I feel we're back to 'right now.' He's never been like this, and it's not like he's really being an as* about it, he's just not putting in the effort. I also don't know what to do. 

 I'm going to talk to him again when he comes home from work. I just don't know how to tell him we can't keep having this conversation. Things should change. Not because he feels bad, or guilty, but because he should want to be putting the effort in. I 'get' that it can't always be 50/50, and I'm cool with that. Life happens, and sometimes one person needs to take over more of things. I just feel that right now, there's no reason for it to be split like it is. I just don't like feeling that other than financially, (which 'is' 50/50-minus I pay for the car/insurance), that I'm doing the rest. 

 Sorry that I kinda took your vent, and made it in to my vent. It helps though, knowing someone is going through the same thing!

 *J

bethieb123

This is exactly why I am enjoying being a stay at home mom right now. I do 99% of everything around here and dh works BUT I KNOW that once I go to work later this year I will be doing all that plus working full time. I hope you get some good advice because we need to start working on mindfulness over here too!

cloudymeatballs

Oh good. Vent. Venting feels good to get things off your chest. Husbands! Ugghh! I totally hear you. My H pays for most things, so I don't mind cleaning and all that. I do get very annoyed, small of course, he will never clean his own dirty dishes. He will leave them in the sink. Very annoying. I would really suggest, if you take the time to do so, to really make a list. Make a list of everything you do. I mean EVERYTHING. Write it all down on a piece of paper and when you go to talk with him, show him and ask him if he thinks that is fair. He can say he needs to be "reminded" all he wants. But if it were work, would he need to be "reminded"?? I don't think so. I do the house work and such. Yes I do work, but he makes the $$. If I worked FT and the same hours we would be having this same exact discussion... xo

Sillygirl45

The thing is, as much as we would like our H's to just do things, it's not going to happen. Yes, venting feels good, but when it comes down to it we have to ask for what we want.

H was amazing when we were dating with home improvement. If I wanted a light fixture changed out, he's as good as an electrician. Desire a new faucet? He was on it...a plumber couldn't have done better. Now, there are still a lot of things he just does (mostly home maintenance) and there are other things I have to nag him about. Some of it is just the natural order of getting comfortable. Not any less irritating, but not unusual. 

Now, on the upside...my MIL is the most fastidious homemaker you've ever met. My H is used to taking care of his dishes and cleaning up after himself. I came home from vacation with my friend once and I swear the house looked almost exactly as I left it. I asked him if he cleaned before I got home...he said "No, I just didn't make any messes.". I just cracked up. 

I do everything because I work part time. I'm also better with money management and household management. Even when I get extra hours, I still do everything. H will help if asked, but I don't expect miracles.

I'm not saying you gals should just do everything and accept that's how your H is. But, a chore chart may be in order. Unfortunately, it sometimes has to be spelled out. Hoping for them to be "mindful" may not be realistic. There's also nothing wrong with pointing out that you're doing chores while they're sitting on their ass in front of a computer. 

My dad mostly raised me. I hate to say it but "guy clean" seems to be a real thing. I don't remember if our house was "clean", but I doubt it. It was probably just neat. 

MsChicagoFan

What I decided to do after collecting some advice was this:

I wrote my husband a long e-mail. To a woman, I think that seems really impersonal, but often if I *literally* spell things out for my husband, he will get the picture. 

I made a chore chart that detailed things that need to be done every day, every week, every other week, and every month. I split things up fairly equally. I will still do most of the cooking, and he will still do most of the dish washing. Everything else should be about 50/50.

I didn't really *want* to make a chore chart, but what I realized is this: I have been doing 'everything' by myself for so long, that my husband really doesn't understand/know what it takes to keep our home the way we like it. By giving him a list, it takes away the part I hate worst - constantly having to remind him or ask him to do things. I think the key is to remember that your husband may be more than happy to do things, he might just not really know what to do.

In terms of mindfulness, I asked for a couple of parameters (I'm finding that asking for what I want is the key...):

-One hour of no screen time a night - for both of us! This can be either the hour before bed or the first hour we are both home

-One night/week we will meet for a drink after work by our apartment to decompress and spend quality time together outside the house

-We will be keeping a note on the refrigerator or somewhere else that says "What have you done for your partner today?" to remind us to do the little things that make each other happy. 

I will report back, but I have a feeling this will help - at least a little!

cloudymeatballs

That's great. Good luck and I hope it works. Keep us posted on how it goes! xo And that meeting for a drink once a week is a good idea. Maybe we should start that one. It is easy to get used to staying at home lazy all the time. Doing that weekday meetup is a very cute idea!

JMalettas

 I sat down & talked to my H last night, & I think for the most part, got somewhere with it. It felt good to vent with you ladies before hand, and get some of my thoughts out there. I'm not someone who would generally go to girlfriends, or my parents with these kind of things, so to be able to vent somewhere & organize my thoughts, definitely helped!

 The e-mail is a good idea if your H is a visual kind of person. If laying things out right in front of him makes more sense. I think if I were to do that, it would likely hurt my H's feelings, as he does know/acknowledge-(most of the time, up until lately), how much I do. I also don't want a 'chore chart', as I don't feel it 'needs' to be 50/50 in *all* areas. I don't mind doing the housework and all of that, I just want him to be mindful that I do take it on, on top of work. I'd appreciate if he'd offer to help once in a while, & if he sees something's in need of being done, (maintenance wise), that he'd do it. I do like the idea of getting together for a drink or something, once a week! Even a coffee, or Friday evening bevie. I think that's a great idea, & would give us time to catch up & connect!  I think our problem right now is that we both have busy lives. We work full-time, (thank goodness, generally on the same schedule), & life in the last 3 months or so has been *insane*. I think he has gotten so used to our *crazy* lifestyle lately, that he's forgotten everything at home still needs attention. My schedules just as crazy, but things still need to get done. I don't mind doing the housework, and cooking dinner during the week, but I shouldn't have to feel like it's *all* on me. It shouldn't be up to me to ask for him to keep up on something, or if he's seen I'm insane busy, he could offer to make, (or even order), dinner. 

 When he saw how clearly upset I was over the whole situation, he was more serious about working it out. We talked for a while, (he took care of dinner-lol), and we took a break, then grabbed coffees to continue our conversation later on. I think the main problem was, that life got hectic, (as it does for everyone), and things got thrown on the back-burner on his end, and he just got caught up in everything we've had going on. (Mostly work/travel, combined with moving, etc). (Probably combined with slight laziness, knowing things were getting done without his effort). He's come up with some things to contribute with, and move forward, and as long as he sticks to it, I'm happy. So. here's to hoping! :P

 Thanks ladies! Good luck to all of you too! Thanks for some great advice & ideas!

 *J

BlueBirdMB

This makes me feel really grateful for my hubby.  My dad definitely didn't do ANYTHING around the house, so I know what it's like.  We really do everything 50/50.  He works about 45 hours per week and I work about 50 hours per week in my business.  He actually probably does more around the house because he works a little less and works from home.  

Sunday is cleaning day.  Period.  If we are busy Sunday, it's Saturday.  We always make time every weekend unless we are away to clean the house.  I dust, clean the kitchen, and mop the floors.  He does the 3 bathrooms and vacuums the floors before I mop.  

He does the laundry and remakes the beds, and I fold the laundry.  He always takes out the trash, deal with changing light bulbs and batteries, and is there to handle anyone who comes to the house for maintenance etc.    

We both discuss the bills, and I always look over everything, but he actually pays them and makes sure things are handled with that so I can just deal with the banking, bill paying, and accounting work for my business.  I do most of the cooking, but he does the dishes if I cook and I do the dishes if he cooks.  

We've worked out a pretty good system.  His responsibility trait is all on him.  He's been like this since I met him, but he comes from a culture where the women do everything, so he was never taught this.  I think his mother is horrified that he does so much housework.

I agree that men understand best in writing.  I've written H letters about our issues and about how much I love him sometimes.  Men get writing better.  It's weird. 

I would suggest simply… not doing something until they notice.  Don't clean a freaking bathroom, however gross that may be, until he notices… then tell him to clean it when he complains.  Make dinner for yourself only sometime and when he complains tell him to make dinner for himself.  May be passive aggressive, but he doesn't do because YOU do so he doesn't have to.  Most men don't do things that they don't have to do.  They get into a routine and they are done.  

My husband is not perfect.  He makes me happier and angrier than any person in the world.  Lol I have a shit load of other stuff to bitch about, but this isn't one.  I love the note on the fridge thing!  So cute!

KitCat1

You ladies are really, REALLY caught up in the details of this 50/50 concept.  A 50/50 marriage isn't about details, it's about what happens over time, over the length of the marriage.  Maybe because I've been married 10 years, but the way I take care of my husband is very different from the way he takes care of me.  Today, he dealt with a flat tire on my car while I picked up the dog poo in the back yard.  He financially supported me early on in our relationship while I worked on my masters.  Years later, I emotionally supported him and our family through a rough patch in his career.

It used to be his job to roll the trash can out to the curb, but I took it over.  It takes less than a minute and it's something I can do for him.  I don't even think about it, but I'm sure he appreciates it - not that I've asked.

I can't lie, I wonder what you think is going to happen if/when you have kids.  Life and marriage is not tit for tat.

short+sassy

I also really recommend a chore chart.  My DH (b/f at the time) had one years ago.  And, quite frankly, we only needed to use it for a couple months.  Things were greatly improved after that and still are to this day.

At the time, he complained I didn't do enough around the house and I felt he wasn't taking a lot of what I did into consideration.  For example, I was only one who had a car so I did all the grocery shopping.  We got in the biggest fight of our relationship.  I initially suggested a chore chart.  At first, his attitude was scoffing at it and saying that we were adults and not kindegarteners.  I begged him to at least try it and am glad we did.

Our chart might have been a little different than what you all are talking about.  We didn't "assign" ourselves chores.  We sat down and made a list of the daily/weekly chores and then picked the ones that we both needed to do together and the ones that one of us would be more responsible for.  I then posted the chores on a monthly calendar on the fridge and, when one of us completed a chore, we put our initials next to it for that day.  It gave both of us a visual of what was being done and what needed to be done.

I made more of an effort to do some of the "in-house" chores and he had a visual reminder that groceries don't magically appear in our fridge and pantry.