Trouble in Paradise
greenmachine67
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Tough Situation
My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now and we have a 15 month old. Throughout our relationship she has been an avid pot smoker. Her sister found a citation for possession of marijuana in my wife's purse while we were dating and when confronted claimed the pot was her brothers. I believed her. I told her my feelings about drug use, and I thought we were on the same page. Then after we were married I found drug paraphernalia in her car. She claimed it was a one time thing and she wouldn't do it again. I believed her. Then I found it again several months later. She promised not to do it again. Then I found her sitting on the couch smoking from a bong while our daughter was upstairs sleeping back in January. She promised to never smoke again. Then I caught her smoking again twice last week. She promised not to do it again. Each of the times I caught her this year I told her she was close to losing her family over this. She said she knew and that she wouldn't do it again. As a condition for her to earn my trust back I told her she needed to turn on the "find my friends" app and leave it on at all times. She agreed to it. Yesterday she turned it off. She claimed it was a safety hazard because anyone could track her down (not true, because we only were able to track each other). Today she went to a job fair and I checked to see if she had the app on and it said she was next to me. I was puzzled at first but then realized she downloaded the app to her iPad so it would look like she was home. I got into the app and was able to change it from showing the location of the iPad to her iPhone and it showed her in a location where I know she buys drugs. I called her and at first she lied about what she was doing, but finally admitted to smoking pot again. She was smoking at her dealers (a man) apartment, which to me just having my wife in another man's apartment is highly suspect.
Also, she hasn't worked since September and was on disability (I honestly think she over exaggerated her "depression") until January and has been on unemployment since. She is lazy and unmotivated, and only has to watch our daughter one day a week and complains about it. Two days per week our daughter is at my mom's house, the other two days she is at the babysitters. She has been fired from two jobs since I've known her (over four years) and left one, just before they were about to fire her. She has a law degree but doesn't seem motivated to use it at all.
I've been married and divorced before, and I'm not sure that I want to go through it again. Especially now that I have a daughter. I also know that I don't want to be married to someone I can't trust.
Sorry for the long first post. Here's a pic of my pride and joy.
Also, she hasn't worked since September and was on disability (I honestly think she over exaggerated her "depression") until January and has been on unemployment since. She is lazy and unmotivated, and only has to watch our daughter one day a week and complains about it. Two days per week our daughter is at my mom's house, the other two days she is at the babysitters. She has been fired from two jobs since I've known her (over four years) and left one, just before they were about to fire her. She has a law degree but doesn't seem motivated to use it at all.
I've been married and divorced before, and I'm not sure that I want to go through it again. Especially now that I have a daughter. I also know that I don't want to be married to someone I can't trust.
Sorry for the long first post. Here's a pic of my pride and joy.
Re: Tough Situation
Look - time and time and time again you've "caught" her, she says she'll stop and she doesn't. Time and time and time again.
You don't want to divorce again, but..... really- THIS is your life. Until SHE decides she wants to quit. THIS is your life.
Is this what you want for your DD?
Pot is still illegal in many states -- if you don't like dopers, you should have bidden her adieu back then and moved on.
You are going to have to decide if you wish to be married to a liar.
That is the larger problem: a wife that lies.
Doesn't matter what it is she has lied to you about -- she lied and that's the deal.
You are a problem to yourself since you permit yourself to be dicked around by her. She has continually promised you? Fool me once is the addage.
You are also going to have to decide if you can permit yourself to be a doormat, an enabler and be okay with having a codependency.
That's what this is: a codependency, not a healthy marriage dynamic.
Since your trust is gone and she lies constantly, you are going to have to decide if you can get over her lying and try to regain her trust -- and the regain likely won't happen --- or if you wish to move on.
Counseling for you, stat --- you need to find out why you're such a pushover for her; learn to stand up for yourself and learn how not to accept crumbs versus a woman that's worth her salt. She is playing you for a fool and using you as a doormat.
And policing her? is this what you want? What are you, her parole officer?
I would suggest you push for full custody and supervised visitation. She's an active drug user.
AlAnon for you, stat. I also strongly suggest it.
An attorney that's been busted? Not likely she can practice. Sounds to me like she also didn't take the bar exam.
Get rid of her is what I think. And yes, she is having an affair too -- that's my strong suspicion. What's she doing in another guy's apartment, period?
So now you have a liar, a doper and a lying doper with a boyfriend on the side.
What are YOU going to do about it?
Wonderful. That makes her dishonest, too.
I wouldn't doubt if there might be other drug use involved.
You need to learn how to stand up for yourself and say NO to somebody who you know cannot keep promises.
Learn to be a stalward for your daughter's sake --- you do not want to have her growing up to be either a doormat or a class bully. Set a good example for her, for her sake.
And it may be "her" unemployment benefits check but what it really is is "our" unemployment check --- in essence, she's smoking up your money, also.
A PP that said she may need rehab and a doc's evaluation is right.
I wouldn't stay one moment longer with her. She's bringing nothing to your table. It looks as though you are her meal ticket while she goes off and does what she wants to do.