(long, sorry!) Overwhelmed after my Moms passing…

iiriish

My husband and I have been married for 9 years now, and have had a pretty uneventful marriage as far as fights or problems go. We've always been able to just talk out most everything. My Mom passed away suddenly (at 55) a little over a month ago, and increasingly tensions are getting higher around here. And I am in unfamiliar territory. We both seem like we are trying, but somehow we are just completely missing the mark when it comes to communication now. We seem a little shorter tempered, distant, and I have no dissiare to have sex right now. I'm still mourning (obviously) which as he explains is stressful for him because its hard for him to see so sad and crying and there isn't anything he can do to fix it and make it better…and there isn't right now. I've explained that time, and just being there and supporting me through my grieving is all I need (just hugs when the tears come kind of thing). I do pretty well most of the time. I still work, get house hold things done, and do my best at staying strong and positive most of the time. But somehow, we are snapping at each other, I don't feel as connected or on the same page (which makes it hard to feel intimate for me), and when we tried talking about it all the other night I feel like get got know where. Maybe this is just the effects of SUCH a stressful situation? My Mom and are just the best of friends, so understandably, this has been hard on me. And I imagine it will be hard (but getting a bit better) for some time now, as we go through birthdays, summer traditions, holidays and more, there will be rough patches. But not all the time. I just don't know what to do…We recently moved, right before my Mom got sick, and when my husband was out of town last week I surprised him with fixing up his home office with some things he wanted to better organize it and such so its more put together to work in. He loved it, and things were good for a bit, but back tensions…He was close to my Mom as well, she is the closest thing to a Mom he has had. 

After our long talk the other night, I called and suggested we get away for a weekend. He said he loved the idea, and he said he had had an idea of getting away just him, to his parents (in a near by state) and play golf and such with his bother, a "guys trip". This was totally not like him, and I'm trying not to let that bug me. But he's on board with my idea of US getting away for a bit. Maybe that will help….

Aslo, he and my Dad work together in a family run self employed business. And while my Dad had spent weeks at the hospital with my Mom my husband has had to pick up the slack while, and also for a couple weeks after while my Dad regroups in the aftermath of all this…but Dad is slowly getting back into working again now. So I know that has been stressful on him too.

Maybe it's as simple as its just an abnormal stressful time? It just makes everything a little harder, when things seem off at home as well….

Thank you. Sorry its so long! 

TarponMonoxide

Is there any way  you guy s would be receptive to seeing a marriage counselor? I think it would be a good idea to see one.

This is a crisis you and he are going through -- what aaffects you affects him and vice versa.

Get any communication problems nipped in the bud --- and if there is a bereavement counselor/bereavement group in your area, do check one out.

If you are spiritual, talk to your clergyperson as well.

I have been there, too -- and not it is not easy. I lost my mother to cancer 17 years back; all of it happened within the space of 2 weeks.

Sorry for your troubles and sorry for your loss; let us know what happens.

Joy2611

Have you considered going to talk to someone yourself?  You suffered a tragic loss and are - understandably - dealing with it.  Just sitting with someone and talking about what you're feeling in your marriage, about your mom, about your dad, about the move, etc... could be so beneficial.  They will provide an outside view, help you see how others around you are dealing with the loss themselves and reacting to your behavior. 

Last year, I had three sessions with a therapist due to family stress.  I liked her - she was a great outlet for me to just talk.  I also wanted to lay the groundwork with a therapist because I knew that hard times would come in the future - my parents are getting older, my husband's parents are getting older and tragic things could happen to anyone at any time.  I wanted to have a relationship with someone that I could go and talk to so my husband didn't become my only outlet in a difficult time.

The woman I saw said that people go to talk to therapists for all kinds of reasons.  Some of it is troubles but some of it is also just talking about the things that your partner may not be the best outlet for.  Some have no problems really and just go to talk about life. 

I really recommend it.  I'm so sorry about your mom.

abundancenow

@iiriish So sorry to hear about losing your mom, it's a pain I experienced and don't wish for anyone to go through. My husband had a difficult time and it impacted him more than I understood at the time. I learned that he grieved differently then me and I believe it hurt him to talk about it and to see me in so much pain. He avoided a lot of things that I would have preferred to talk about, this resulted in some misunderstandings and frustrations with each other. Losing my mom alienated me from others, because I was so unable to express what I wanted from them because my world was so rocked. I felt my foundation dissolve and had to learn to live in a world that changed so much for me, while everyone else seemed to keep on pretty much the same. My husband did not know how to comfort me and often turned away, which I hurt more from.
Three years later, we are much better. We did not go through counseling together, but I did a lot of personal development and learned to take more personal responsibility for my feelings. Rather than expect him to comfort me and interpret his withdrawal in a hurtful way, I accepted he hurt for my loss and I needed to learn to comfort myself. This may not be similar as your situation, but I just wanted to offer encouragement that things may not feel great with you and your husband, but give yourself and him the space and time to adjust to living life wo your mom. Counseling may help. I wish you comfort as you heal and hope you find support.