Am I in the wrong?

EricaOO

My sister got engaged 3 years ago while she was still in college (I believe he didn't want her to move back home after graduation but that's irrelevent) and is still making no plans for a wedding.  I'm happy about that because I strongly dislike her fiance.  He and my sister moved in with my parents so that they could save money while searching for jobs.  We live in a city where jobs are available.  My sister got a job right off the bat working in HR and making a decent salary for her young age and experience.  Her fiance is still searching and working PT for a tow truck company. In my eyes they basically mooch off my parents and bring nothing financially to the table.

Well my family finds out that my sister's fiance got busted trying to buy drugs. Serious drugs. My sister was in the vehicle. My family is devastated and wondering if my sister is doing drugs too. I confront her and she denies using and plays the clueless victim in all of this.  My family has avoided further confrontation at all costs and my parents STILL allow these two to live with them. Ridiculous. I am actually playing the bad guy in all this because I have banned her fiance from my home. I already disliked him and this was the final straw. I'm basically taking the stand that there is no tolerance for drugs. My husband is a cop and we have a 4 month old at home. I would just rather rid myself from this loser.

Problem is  my sister is sticking with him and my sister and I are close.  She knows i don't like him and that he's banned from my house, but when we talk, we just don't talk about him. Am I out of line? I've never had a heart to heart with my sister about this because she tries to avoid it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just stirring up drama but I really wish something would be done in this situation.

Disneygeek77

I would ban him too but I would also do it knowing that I might lose my relationship with my sister, at least temporarily.  I am not saying that you disown her, just don't be surprised if she wants nothing to do with you.

I would also sign up for Narc Anon and encourage your parents to attend as well.

They say that when it comes to drug abuse people won't seek help until they hit rock bottom and I don't see that happening when he is still living with your parents.

EastCoastBride

It seems like she's accepted the status quo for now.  She knows you don't like him so she doesn't talk to you about him.  Which is fine.  She clearly doesn't want to hear he sucks and she knows that's what your going to tell her. 

But there may come a time where this does all come to ahead.  What if you host a holiday?  Or have a b-day dinner for her at your house...???  Well, honestly, I wouldn't recommend the latter of those 2, only because you know that will cause drama.

But for stuff like holidays, or for YOUR nuclear family - you have every right to say he can't be in your home.  You just have to be prepared for if there comes a time where she draws the line in the sand.  She might not - if she does kind of "get it" but just can't get rid of him, she may just stay silent.  But if she does- you have to be prepared.  What are you willing to do/ how far are you willing to push this?   There might come a time where the two of you are distant.  HOpefully not forever, but for at least awhile. 

EricaOO

 Thanks for your responses. There will come a time when I will have to see him and I'm cringing at the thought of how awkward it will be!  Guess I'll just have to remain poised and civil.

Disneygeek77

Well again, when it come to addiction, there is a high likelyhood this will continue for years.  Please seek out a Narc Anon now as it can only hope you in this situation.  

EricaOO

Disneygeek77 said:

Well again, when it come to addiction, there is a high likelyhood this will continue for years.  Please seek out a Narc Anon now as it can only hope you in this situation.  

How would I push this if my sister won't accept that he is an addict?

Disneygeek77

You can go yourself and ask your parents to come along.  That is at least a start.

EricaOO

Disneygeek77 said:

You can go yourself and ask your parents to come along.  That is at least a start.

It is a start. Thanks for the advice.

Disneygeek77

Your sister will probably have to reach rock bottom too for her to get it. I honestly don't see that happening when she is still living at home. So your parents aren't helping at all, all they are doing is delaying the rock bottom moment. That is why I think it is very important that your parents go to these meeting as well. They will have to hear from professionals and former addicts that they are not helping your sister, they are actually hurting her.

Sillygirl45

I'll be honest, I've never understood parents who let their kids SO's live with them in their home. Im sure there are situations where it is for a set amount of time and for a specific reason that may be fine, but for the most part, it's a mistake.

I don't know of your sisters FI is an addict or not. I do know you have every right to not want him in your home or your life if this is who he is.

I also think if he's old enough to be out of college he's old enough to know better than to drag his FI into a dangerous situation that can potentially damaged her reputation and all she has worked so hard for. Unfortunately, she should know better as well.

She might not be using and should know better since she is in HR and knows what a positive drug test can do to your career.

All that being said...you may just have to wait this out. If your parents aren't willing to kick him out (which they absolutely should) you can't control their actions. 

My advice for you is to stand strong on your convictions, but don't alienate your sister. When this all goes bad she will need someone to go to. Make sure she feels she can confide in you without judgement. You don't want her to stick with this loser because she is afraid to admit she was wrong. 

Good luck!