No friends or bad friends

ldawngirl

DH doesn't have very many friends - a couple good ones from a town where he grew up a few hours away, who he rarely sees, and a couple from work who are bad apples and who I hate. He doesn't do much in the way of socializing apart from our couple friends and his siblings, who he is very close to. However, once in awhile, he wants to go out with this guy from work and I get mad as I know they just smoke pot and this guy is a horrible person (racist, complete loser). DH has even said he doesn't like who he is around him, but I think because he has no other alternatives, he would rather have him than no one.

But every time he goes out or attempts to go out with him, I get mad and what ends up happening is he either goes out and I'm fuming for a couple days, or he doesn't go and he's fuming for a couple days. He always says that I prevent him from going and he has no friends and the rare time he wants to go out, he can't. I never ever say "you can't go out". I just express my concerns about the pot (and the fact that I've caught him driving post-smoke) and that I don't like this guy.

I don't know what to do though. I try to tell DH to go out and do some activities in order to make new friends, but he doesn't ever do it and I'm obviously not going to sign him up for some class or sports team like his mother.

Any ideas?

TarponMonoxide

ldawngirl said:

DH doesn't have very many friends - a couple good ones from a town where he grew up a few hours away, who he rarely sees, and a couple from work who are bad apples and who I hate. He doesn't do much in the way of socializing apart from our couple friends and his siblings, who he is very close to. However, once in awhile, he wants to go out with this guy from work and I get mad as I know they just smoke pot and this guy is a horrible person (racist, complete loser). DH has even said he doesn't like who he is around him, but I think because he has no other alternatives, he would rather have him than no one.

I don't buy this at all.

Nor should you.

But every time he goes out or attempts to go out with him, I get mad and what ends up happening is he either goes out and I'm fuming for a couple days, or he doesn't go and he's fuming for a couple days. He always says that I prevent him from going and he has no friends and the rare time he wants to go out, he can't. I never ever say "you can't go out". I just express my concerns about the pot (and the fact that I've caught him driving post-smoke) and that I don't like this guy.

Uh huh and he's driving under the influence.

I think your bigger problem is the pot and how your H uses it.  This should be a dealbreaker for you because it sure would be one for me.

I don't know what to do though. I try to tell DH to go out and do some activities in order to make new friends, but he doesn't ever do it and I'm obviously not going to sign him up for some class or sports team like his mother.

Any ideas?

You need to figure out whether or not pot smoking and driving under the influence is a dealbreaker for you. As I said, it sure would be one for me.

EastCoastBride

I think your DH likes to smoke pot more than you realize and this guy is the only way for him to do that. 

TarponMonoxide

If he really wanted other friends there are oodles of ways to get them --- join a professional organization related to his job, the local alumni association (some have a young alumni division), sign up for a coed spots team, volunteer -- to name a few.

And I cannot see how you are tolerating the fact he's driving impaired! Are you completely dumb?

It's ME or the grass --- I'd tell his ass to pick.  And contingent upon his choice, he is out the door.  (And it would be a great idea for him to attend NarcAnon, being he has a problem with pot)

AlAnon for you, being he's a pothead.  You might also want to drop into AA and speak to a counselor about your H's grass use. Don't be an enabler and do not let this codependency you and he have last one second further. GL.

blondii428

I agree that it sounds like he may be using the exuse of having no friends to make it okay to smoke.

Keep encouraging him to get out and meet new people, sign up for classes and activities together so that it makes it more of a couple thing than you trying to be his mom.  Good luck!

TarponMonoxide

blondii428 said:

I agree that it sounds like he may be using the exuse of having no friends to make it okay to smoke.

Keep encouraging him to get out and meet new people, sign up for classes and activities together so that it makes it more of a couple thing than you trying to be his mom.  Good luck!

Encourage him to get out and meet new people?

How about the OP just takes the first 5 words and acts upon that, if he doesn't stop hitting the weed???

junta87

Tarpon- have you considered that not everyone is as militantly anti-weed as you are?? Honestly, i think you're seriously over-reacting. An ultimatum for occasionally smoking pot? NarcAnon??? Blondii hit the nail on the head with her answer. OP does need to encourage her DH to meet new people. Sometimes we all need a push- it can be tough to make new friends as an adult!