How often do you see your friends?

tonksandlupin

Hi. I'm new to The Nest, and I'm looking for a little perspective in this issue. My husband and I don't agree on how much time we should spend with our friends. Here's a little backstory to understand our situation:

I'm American and DH is from Europe and we now live in his home country. We've been together 8 years, married 6 months. I am happy to have one night a week for "girls night out" and I'm not terribly disappointed if it gets cancelled some weeks. Nearly every night I'm happy to stay home with DH or occasionally treat ourselves with a nice evening out. Weekends I think should be time for us as a couple, and maybe once in a while we could hang out with friends on the weekend.

He wants to see his friends at least 2 nights a week, and he would ideally like to spend every Sunday with them as well. He usually wants me to hang out with his friends too, but I just don't click with them very well (there's still a bit of a language barrier when they're all speaking really fast). I really think it's a cultural difference, because most American married couples I know don't see their friends as often as he sees his. Also, people get married much later in his country (we are 28) so none of his friends are married even though most are in serious relationships, and that's probably part of the reason they all want to hang out all the time.

Everything else about our marriage is great. He is a wonderful partner and I love him deeply. I'm just having a hard time finding a compromise on this friend issue. I don't want him to miss out on something that makes him happy, but I don't want to be miserable with his friends or be stuck at home alone all the time.

How often do you and your spouse see your friends? Can you think of a compromise for my situation?

Thanks in advance.

KonaCoffeeBean

I spend time with my friends about once a week, but most of them have kids now, and wee are spread out across a wide metro area. Before children and the suburbs, we got together several times a week.

BlueBirdMB

We work a crazy amount of hours during the week.  Sunday is our cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and errands day, so we usually set that aside. We typically spend Saturday with someone else, but always together.  If we see friends alone, it's during the week, but that's only every now and again.  We basically never see each other during the week, so we are committed to weekends together.  We have a lot of couples friends, which is nice.

EastCoastBride

Eh, I wouldn't necessarily chalk this up to cultural.  I know many married couples (American) who see friends on a pretty regular basis - both together and separate.

 

And honestly, to me, that's what weekends are partially for- socializing.  during the week is actually more difficult for most people I know (granted, we all have kids). 

This sounds like more of an "introvert/extravert" thing.  He has lots of friends and wants to see them - he probably gets his energy from being around people.  You AND others. 

There is no right or wrong here.  And this isn't something I'd set specific rules around.  LIke "weekends are for us only!".  You've got to find a balance here.  And to put some of this on him too- if you don't enjoy seeing his friends a lot, especially for the fact you don't understand a lot of what is going on - he either needs to back off some OR he needs to make more of an effort to keep you involved in the conversation. 

When he ISN'T with his friends, what do you all do?  Do you spend good, quality time together?  If so... then I'd be careful about trying to make him stop doing what he enjoys.  But - if your time together isn't good, quality time - partially because he's worried about what he's missing out on, then that IS a problem.  And that is what I'd address. 

I'll be honest - as much as I love DH and as much fun as we have together, if he actually expected us to spend every night and all weekend together, JUST the two of us, and only seeing friends once a week or even less (you said you'd be happy if your weekly girls nights didn't happen every week) - it would probably start to become TOO much "alone time".  Luckily we both enjoy spending time with friends. 

That all being said- there ARE weeks where we really don't see our friends a lot.  Life gets busy.  It happens.  But then there are times where we see them a TON (especially now, that spring is here).  It ebbs and flows.  But I'd hate to be restricted to a set of rules DH placed on me when it flows.

BlueBirdMB

Here's a question, OP, do you feel that your husband prioritizes you in his time? If you feel that he doesn't put you as his highest priority with his time, then yes, you do have a problem here.

ashleyjesse1112

We usually don't go out with our friends at all during the week. We both wake up at like 5am, so it's early to bed for us. Friday or Saturday nights are the only times we hang out with friends, but we have the same friends so that makes it easy. I guess maybe once a month we do our own thing, but I would say we see our friends together about 2-3 times a month. We always seem to have family dinners at least once a month as well. We do live about an hour from friends/family with traffic. If we were closer we would probably see them more. We do tend to enjoy staying at home more though, work drains us and Sundays, like @BlueBirdMB, tend to be at home cleaning, groceries, laundry, etc... 

You just have to find what works for you. If I didn't have a great relationship with my husband's friends, I would probably go with him once a week with his friends and not the other times to compromise. Do you both get good quality time on Saturdays? I would probably make sure Saturdays were spent alone if he wants to be with his friends that often. I hope the best for you, but I am not entirely sure what I would do.

tonksandlupin

Thanks for the responses and advice.

Just to clarify, he does spend quality time with me... sometimes on Sundays and sometimes on weeknights. But we have really weird work schedules. I always work all day Saturday, and Sunday is really the only full day we both have off. It's also the only day his friends are all free, so it gets complicated. While I wish it could be set aside for us, I understand that's not really practical for every week.

It probably is an introvert/extrovert thing. While I love my time with my friends, I'm definitely comfortable staying home a lot more than he is.

I appreciate getting all of the different perspectives.

Lorita

If Sunday is the only day you two both have off, then I would want to spend it with my hubby.  I would ask to compromise if you REALLY feel that's the only quality time you get with him.  Maybe every other week, the Sunday is just you two.  On the other Sunday's maybe one is just him and his friends, and the other is couples:  His friends and their SO, and you and DH.

My DH and I work long hrs all week, so we DO NOT socialize typically during the week.  About once per quarter, I'll have a Sat or Sun girls day.  Once per year, I have girls weekend, and DH has boys weekend (they are different weekends).  Also once per quarter, we have family dinner with our friends.  These are friendships we've had for YEARS, and we find it's easier to plan one big dinner at a pizza party or something, so we can all see eachother...

BlueBirdMB

Really, if Sundays are your only days off together, I'd want to spend that together, with rare exceptions for friend get togethers that don't include both of you.  I'd feel really bad if he regularly wanted to be away from me on our only day off together.

Everybody has different needs.  My husband and I need to be together as often as possible, which is almost nada during the week. That's what works for us.  It doesn't work for others.  The idea is to find a compromise that fulfills both of your needs.  I'd broach the subject to him in that way.

R.Wilsonny

OP, how long have you been living in your H's home country? Because that may be part of the problem here....it's hard for anyone to move to a different country and adjust to that. And since your H already knows people, speaks the language, I'm sure that's even more difficult for you because you probably are feeling like an outsider - and I think you feel that way more than actual dislike for your H's friends. I say this as someone who also picked up and moved to another country - it was hard! It took me at least a year/year and half to feel some degree of 'normalcy'. And at some points, I felt very alone....it was hard. Once you get into a groove though, it becomes easier. That said, I don't see why it should be a problem with your H to hang out with friends as long as he isn't neglecting you and your relationship. My H and I spend a lot of time together but we also realize the importance of spending time with friends too - as in, we aren't joined at the hip 24/7. But really, I also think you should make more of an effort to spend time with your H and his friends when they are trying to include you. Are you taking any courses to learn to language at all? I think that will help you feel like less of an outsider with them and more open to going out with the group.

GilliC

A lot of my Norwegian friends tend to hang out sans spouse 1-2 times per week, because there's a strong culture of not mixing friends. People keep the same friends since childhood, so if they both live in their home city, they each have their own social circle. My international friends tend to hang out more as couples. Though a few do hang out with friends more than once a week if there's an interest or activity that only one enjoys.