Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I work a lot, stay at home wife, and toddler that is getting out of control.
My wife had a terrible education.
I want my son to be able to learn as easily as he can, yet the television appears to be educating my son.
He has zero attention span, never listens, rarely receives discipline while I am at work.
I try to suggest activities and learning opportunities, with little result.
My wife is timid, shy, and reclusive. I dont blame that on her, yet it appears to be affecting our son.
I love my family very much. It breaks my heart that I feel I have to overcompensate when I am home. Not to mention the added tension.
Re: I work a lot, stay at home wife, and toddler that is getting out of control.
Is he on track with learning things like his colors and left from right what basic shapes are and putting sentences together on a level that's appropriate for his age?
Kids have normally a very limited attention span.
If you are concerned, go to the child study team in your school district; ask to make an appointment and tell that professional what he or she needs to know. Maybe an evaluation of the child is in order, perhaps it is not. A professional would tell you for ruse.
Do you read to your son if he is under 7?
Daily?:)
it helps!
I swear by reading to kids -- find something fun or educational and read to your kiddo nightly.
Books as gifts are great! Get him a book as a matter of course for his birthday and other gift-gving holidays.:)
There are other tings you can do to make sure he's learning --- this applies if he is a very young kid --- when you're out on a walk ask him something like "Show me something that is round" or "Show me something that is green".
And make sure he gives you the right answers.:)
You need to have rules starting now; you and your wife need to be on the same page in that area otherwise your son is going to be a big problem when it is time for a schoolroom situation or when he is in a group of kids, like a playgroup.
He needs to know that you, the parents, make the rules -- and he is to comply. He needs to know how to obey, how to say yes and please and thank you and may I (old school and they still apply) and he needs to know what being considerate to others means. And he needs to know if you say no, it's NO and that is final.
If you can't see eye to eye that your kiddo needs to learn and follow rules, counseling immediately for you and the wife..
Your son needs to be involved with groups of kids his own age.
This is how you learn social skills -- and also how a kid gets to make a pal or 2. It's also fun to do things in a group with kids your own age.
Try your house of worship for a kid's group that is age appropriate or something else where there will be kids his own age he can interact with --- there usually are Scout troops or other social things for kids ---if he is old enough for something like Cub Scouts or a club that your grammar school sponsors, have him join as a matter of course. Schools usually have chorus groups, science clubs, student govenrment.
You get involved, too! Groups always need parents to volunteer and also as good examples of adults.:)
GL.
Maybe the kiddo is part of a blended family and the OP is his stepfather --- again, we need more backstory.
And I am sure you saw what your wife's personality and "lifestyle" was like befrore you got married. She had to be timid shy and reclusive long before you met her --- and if you were not at all into that back then, perhaps you should have moved on during the dating stages when you found out she was timid, shy and reclusive.
Same goes for her education level --- you knew about it when you were in the early dating stages. IF her education level was a problem to you, you should have moved on.....in the early dating stages.
Here's another question:
Have you and the wife talked about your son and his potential problem? Do you ever discuss your son at all? you know, talk about his school, what he is learning in school, what the school system is like and is it adequate enough for your son, and so forth?? Do you talk about his progress in school, his teachers, what the school is like and how it impacts your son, etc?
Sounds to me like you and the wife do not talk much about anything. That's something else that has to end. To a counselor, immediately.
Parenting classes will help --- kids tend to be difficult at certain times than others.
Speak to your local child study team --- you district may provide early intervention for toddlers, if it turns out your child may need it. He'll have to be evaluated to see if he merits it. He may just be a normal toddler that's going through a phase.(and in which case, parenting classes will come in handy for both of you.)
Another good idea for your kiddo:
Limit sugary drinks --- fruitjucies are included. Lots of sugar will make any kid overactive and tougher to handle. Plus all of that sugar can be murder on developing teeth.
A very small glass of juice in the morning couldn't hurt him. After that, none at all.
I had similar issues - I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad to two young twin girls. For awhile I too felt that they were being raised and taught by the TV and that he had checked out, I even thought that he was depressed. I felt that of the two of us he had the easier job (he does) and that, given my personality and experience, if I were the one at home with them the days would be scheduled and planned with specific things to do and learn.
My husband was in a rut. He was feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated and frustrated. The TV had become a routine. Every day had become the same.
We did a lot of little changes and things have completely, completely turned around. We cut our cable. The kids still watch netflix, but the TV is no longer on running in the background all day and night. He took up golf - and loves it. Sometimes I'll come home from work and he'll head off to the driving range - I love that. I do bedtime. We team-parent on evening and weekends instead of tag-team parent. We put the kids into weekend classes and we go out and do something active and fun every single weekend - so we both have something to look forward to all week. We both cook, or he'll cook, or I'll cook. We both clean, though he does more. We also got a cleaner once a week, which helps immensely.
I went to the store and brought home some pre-K workbooks on reading and math - they do those together sometimes. We bought kids toys that HE could get into as well - like Lego. You wouldn't believe the elaborate castles and pirate ships they make all day.
My husband is a super-dad, he really, truly is. He just had to get out of the rut that life had ground him into. And I needed to really appreciate what it is that he does for our family.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I am a SAHM to a 4 year old, 2 year old and an 8 month old. It's hard.
I mean this with the nicest tone possible and it may be the issue here...can your wife read? Can she do basic math?
Having left education at the 3rd grade level means that she definitely missed out on a lot of learning, but perhaps more importantly she missed out on a lot of social learning (how to talk to others, how to converse, manners, social norms, etc.) how can she teach your son (who learns by example by WATCHING others), how to behave in public or other others when she herself may not know what to do at church, restuarants or the playground.
I can tell you than some lack or sharing and fighting is normal for kids in the 3.5 age range. They are learned boundaries and how to be a part of larger groups.
I don't think your son is the problem here. I think your wife needs a mentor...someone who is older than her who is a wife and mother who can gently guide her in positive social interactions. In addition, your wife may need some counseling. If she left school in the 3rd grade, there is a reason for that. Probably a painful one. Maybe at the tender age of a third grader she never healthfully coped with whatever that issue was. It could be hindering her now. Also, as a result she is probably dealing with insecurity and depression why she is isolated). As your son ages and needs more adult guidance your wife will not be able to provide this unless she gets the help she needs. She needs teaching - how can she teach your son what she doesn't know?
This is NOT something you lord over her. I think you really need to be helpful and encouraging. Give praise for her good traits and tasks that she does do.
You mentioned church, that may be a good resource for seeking a counselor and for also figuring out how to better your wife's education. Many church's have retired school teachers in their memberships. Maybe some lovely older woman could walk alongside your wife and give that boost of confidence in formal education but also in social education.
I'm not really sure of a nicer way to say this.......
You knowingly married a woman nearly 10 years younger than you who has a 3rd grade education. One who you knew was timid and shy and a recluse who had no desire to better herself. Whatever, love is blind and I'm sure she's nice and pretty.
But then you proceeded to have a child with her. And you act surprised that your shy, recluse, most likely functionally illiterate wife isn't taking your child out to social gatherings and doing educational things with him. I'm not sure who the dumb one is in this situation - but I think it's you.
My heart breaks for your son. It truly does. The best thing you could do at this point is get him enrolled in some sort of daycare/preschool program - give him a few hours a day where he's learning from a person, interacting with kids his age, doing things besides watching TV. I'm going to tell you - kindergarten is just around the corner, and it's not like kindergarten when we were kids. They expect kids to come in already knowing their letters and numbers. They expect them to be able to write their name. They start learning simple math and reading in kindergarten now. If your child isn't being worked with now, at 3.5........he's going to be in rough shape by the time he's 5, and early school success/failure plays a major role in later school success/failure.
And I'd encourage your wife to even do some homestudy stuff. She doesn't have to go for her PhD, but if something (God forbid) happens to you...........who's going to take care of her and your son? You basically have 2 children right now. She needs to care about that, even if it's just a little bit.
Ok - so STOP expecting family to teach him and get him enrolled in some sort of preschool program. Tomorrow. For real.
Teaching her son isn't going to motivate your wife to learn........but maybe your son might motivate her to learn when she sees him learning. When he comes home and shows her what he's learning and sees how proud he is, maybe that's what will be her inspiration.
If her education stopped at 3rd grade, I doubt she can read or write much past that grade level. That makes her functionally illiterate, and it's understandable to me why she's so shy and timid. She must be self conscious, and doesn't want to be put in a situation where she'll look bad. Understandable. But your son needs so much more than he's getting at his age. You know this, stop making excuses and do what needs to be done........and that's not pawning him off on your elderly mother or your mother-in-law who couldn't be bothered to educate her own child. Start looking up preschools and daycares.........you might even qualify for a subsidy.
To the OP: I think you fell in love with your wife for good reasons. At least those are some of the reasons that get couples through the rough spots. If she has the mental aptitude and memory capability to learn, then I definitely think it's her background of no formal education that is holding her back (fear and insecurity).
I totally agree with the PPs who suggested preschool. I think you should steer toward preschool, though, rather than day care. They are somewhat alike, however preschools are more focused toward a formal school setting and day cares are often focused on just making sure kids are supervised with some minor educational lessons mixed in. I know there are day cares that do more than just babysit, but I think your son will get more school formatted stuff with a preschool. Lots of churches have preschools. Our son goes 2x per week from 9:00 to 11:30am and we pay $115 per month for him. He loves it and he is really learning a lot.
Your wife could try a learning center. But given her insecurity, I think she may actual benefit from home schooling herself. There are great HS resources out there. Look at Memoria Press. It's not too expensive and you can buy a full lesson plan for each grade with all the books for around $500. She could start with the early educational stuff like 2nd or 3rd grade.
It must be really hard for your wife to be functioning in such a highly educated society. I cannot even begin to imagine how separated she must feel. And, she's probably nervous to share her background.
OP, I don't think you are whining or complaining about your wife or family. I think you came here seeking advice because you really do care. I think that you thought having and raising a child would translate into your wife reengaging in formal education. It seems that hasn't happened...just work on a plan B.
Does your local library staff Literacy Volunteers of America? Or do nearby libairies have any?
That would be something for your wife to look into. There is no shame in it --- this is what the program is for: to benefit adults who need to brush up on their reading skills.
Try looking on line to see who nearby you sponsors this program. Food for thought.:)
Keep looking into preschools and find one for your son ASAP. That will help with the socialization issues.
You can't force your wife to want help. But you can encourage her. Honestly she sounds like she has some long term effects from her childhood and that regular therapy might be a priority for her before dealing with her educational deficits. I would encourage her to go to a therapist and sort out her feelings. She sounds like she could be depressed. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, you ask her to do it for you and your child and hope that getting her in the door will start her on the right path.
Take a parenting class WITH her. So you can get on the same page about discipline and things like that.
Good luck.
Stop the sugar. Just stop it completely. This is a huge soapbox issue of mine in that as soon as we stopped eating processed foods the behaviour of our kids had an immediate difference. They don't have tantrums. Ever. They don't have sugar highs and then crashes. They don't ask for it, they certainly don't demand it and they are very chilled out and awesome kids to be around. When we do give them sugar (outside of normal things like the occasional cupcake or ice cream) they turn into relentless demon spawn from the seventh layer of hell. Captain Crunch is banned in our house, lol.
That is one very small and very easy thing that you can do. www.100daysofrealfood.com was a really good resource for us.
Another thing is discipline. It's great that you aren't giving him candy when he demands it at a store, and that giving him a book is better - but not giving in at all to a tantrum is best. Seriously, watch some super nanny - it might really help. However, if you want your wife to be on board you need to be a bit strategic about this. Make HER WANT to do this. Right now it is easier (in her mind) to let him run around like a sociopath - because she doesn't want the fight. Get her to see that if she put in some strong boundaries and discipline that not only would the fights decrease but his behaviour would make life not just easier for her but really enjoyable. Encourage her, use positive reinforcement on her. When you see her discipline him be sure to tell her that 'wow, that must have been hard, but you did it so well!'. Read up about positive reinforcement and discipline - there are resources on this all over the place.
Good luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Same thing with Valentine's Day candy if one of us got some from an aunt or uncle or neighbor.
No candy was routinely kept in our house --- and forget sugary soda. That was out.
Cut out sugary juice boxes, juices, candy and sugary cereals. And those fruit snacks and fruit in a strip are the worst: pure sugar.
Kids do not need added sugar. Like I said, it's empty calories.
The smallest of kids needs to learn that no means NO. Don't give into his whims --- ignore him if he makes a fuss he wants candy or more TV, etc. Ignore all of his temper tantrums. When he finds out he's not getting a result from you, he'll cut it out.
I think you should spend some time with your kid, try to take him for an family outing make him feel that he deserves better and confront him about his behavior talk to him and make him understand bad things and good things that would affect his future.