discovered my best friend's affair..

101Mims

So I borrowed her netbook and saw something I shouldn't. We've known each other for over 20 yrs, and she is married to a great guy we both know from our University days. Her affair is also a guy from back then, who we also both know. Seems she has been having a text affair with this guy since before her children were born - she has 2 babies under 3 yrs old - and has recently turned things physical with him. The guy she is having her affair with is single, always has been, and was always known as a bit of a wild one who had girls dropping at his feet. Not because he was a looker but because he just loved women and knew how they worked. Seems my best friend feels as if she has hit the jackpot as she has the perfect vanilla husband who adores her and is a great father, and now she has the best sex of her life with this guy who sees her about twice a year. I really don't know how to feel about it. Ive know her and her husband for so long, and they have had serious problems in their relationship, but they seemed to be in such a good place of late and I was really happy to see them making a go of things after the stresses of the 2 children. I'm just wondering if, in fact, it's my freind's affair which has put such a spring in her step, and into her relationship. And how can I now look them both in the eye. Especially her hubby who is just so good to her. Any advice please? it's not as if I can talk about this with anyone else. thankyou

doeydo

I would be honest with my friend about what I saw.  See what she says.

Rainzzzy

I would stay out of it as you are closer to her than you are the husband.  If and only if she mentions it to you feel free to let your opinion be known, but as of now I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. Heck maybe her husband already knows and she has his blessing (doubtful but possible).

TarponMonoxide

101Mims said:

So I borrowed her netbook and saw something I shouldn't. We've known each other for over 20 yrs, and she is married to a great guy we both know from our University days. Her affair is also a guy from back then, who we also both know. Seems she has been having a text affair with this guy since before her children were born - she has 2 babies under 3 yrs old - and has recently turned things physical with him. The guy she is having her affair with is single, always has been, and was always known as a bit of a wild one who had girls dropping at his feet. Not because he was a looker but because he just loved women and knew how they worked. Seems my best friend feels as if she has hit the jackpot as she has the perfect vanilla husband who adores her and is a great father, and now she has the best sex of her life with this guy who sees her about twice a year. I really don't know how to feel about it. Ive know her and her husband for so long, and they have had serious problems in their relationship, but they seemed to be in such a good place of late and I was really happy to see them making a go of things after the stresses of the 2 children. I'm just wondering if, in fact, it's my freind's affair which has put such a spring in her step, and into her relationship. And how can I now look them both in the eye. Especially her hubby who is just so good to her. Any advice please? it's not as if I can talk about this with anyone else. thankyou

I do not think any advice you will give her will be listened to and followed.

It's the same thing as a single friend who is seeing a guy that is all wrong for her --- love is blind and no matter what you say, that person won't listen to you.

If she is not interested in being married she needs to tell her H. This is not fair to him and it sure isn't fair to their kids.

BlueBirdMB

Stay out!  Nothing good will come of saying anything.  If I were you though, I'd have a hard time staying out of it and still being her friend.  I'd probably distance myself just to keep my mouth shut.

cloudymeatballs

I would either stay out or talk to her and tell her what you saw. She won't be listening exactly, but you could give her how you feel. I wouldn't get on her too much about it, but since you are also friends with her H, I would say something. SHe will do what she wants, but at least you tried. I think it is so sad when people do this. Nobody deserves this and her H doesn't deserve to have this happen to him,. IF she isn't happy with her H she needs to talk with him about it, not go behind his back.. GL girl, shitty situation...

nyc artist

I'm not one to really condone affairs, but I will say this. Only she and her husband know all the details about what they have been through in their relationship. He may be great to her, but something must be lacking for her to go elsewhere. People who are perfectly happy don't seek out affairs. 

I think you have the potential to lose both of these people as friends if you say something, and also could wreck a marriage. It's not your place to get involved. If you can, try to get her to open up more about how things are going with the marriage, and maybe she will confide in you about what's really going on. Maybe then you can suggest counseling or something, but it will be only her decision to stop the affair and if she will ever confess. As for your friendship, it sounds like you two have a lot of history and if you can still respect her despite all of this, then I would try to keep it going. 

Kimbus22

I would let her know what I saw because I don't think I could pretend I hadn't seen it.  But beyond that I'd stay the hell out of it. Not my marriage, not my business.

SmrBrd2012

That's really tough. If it happened to me, I'm pretty sure I would confront her about it unless you were quite clearly snooping. If you were really digging to find that info, I would probably not mention it, because then there's a trust issue on your part too. If it was obvious from even light usage from the netbook, I would say something to her but I don't think I would say anything to the H. Depending on her reaction, I would definitely re-evaluate our friendship and probably start to distance myself.

101Mims

Thank you for your help ladies. I wasn't digging on her net book, the affair IMd while I was using it and I saw their recent message history. Knowing this guy, as I know him of old, it didn't take much to see what was going on.

I think I'm just going to have to play dumb and stay out of it, as many of you suggested.  I can see where my BF is coming from, as she was herself  a bit of a player when younger, and marrying such a solid guy was her chance at the stability she had never had, but I guess maybe after 15 yrs of marriage the stability  she needed, may have become more like monotony.

I certainly don't see her leaving her DH, and indeed he has said to me how much happier he is in their marriage, as my BF seems to be making more of an effort with him. I just cringe inwardly thinking that  the affair may be the reason for this, but I just don't think I have the heart to tell him. 

Thanks again for  you much needed advice.

Sillygirl45

I agree with all pp's in one way or another. It's hard to say without knowing her and her H what would be the right thing to do.

As other suggested, he may know. Or he may be the happiest he's been and maybe he wouldn't want to know. 

I would stay out of it.

If it were my very best friend, I wouldn't even be questioning it. I would ask her what the heck she thought she was doing. If you're not having that immediate reaction...I would stay out of it.

GilliC

If you don't think you can stay out of it, talk only to her, but don't be accusatory. Her marriage clearly isn't as perfect (to her) as it seems to you on the outside.

Honestly, I'm not going to tell you to butt out completely, because the day my best friend found out that my marriage was struggling was one of the most emotional but freeing days of my life. She agreed to not hold any of what I said against him, and I knew I had a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend for life - no matter what.