Trouble in Paradise
doeydo
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
.
Re: .
I can only speak about past relationships here, but with the guy I dated before I met my H, I knew it was time because I would wake up next to him thinking to myself 'I can't see myself with this guy a year from now let alone 10 years from now.' There was a lot that happened in the relationship though - things like cheating, he was semi-employed, still living at home, and seemed to have no real goals or direction, didn't respect me or have any interest in any of the same things, we really didn't have much in common, he wanted me to quit DJ'ing because he hated the attention I was getting at gigs, never wanted to spend time with my friends but always wanted to with his, oh, and did I mention cheating? Yes, that. There was more, but that's most of it. The only real purpose he served was companionship so I wouldn't be lonely but I woke up one day and realized that I would rather be alone than with someone who brought me down. And I also realized that I wasn't in love with him. So that's how I knew.
For everyone, it's different though. If there's cheating involved, it might be time to call it quits. Alcohol or drug abuse, same deal. Physical or emotional abuse, def time to quit.
For me, it was when I'd exhausted all possible options for making things better. I realized that I couldn't go through 30 more years of the same, so if I couldn't change things, I had a better shot at being happy on my own.
If you've started to "check out" of your relationship (you don't put in to it what you used to, perhaps find you don't care what your partner does or where they go, maybe you're even glad you don't need to be around them).
If you're unhappy and don't see resolution on the horizon, it's time to do the kindest thing to them and the best thing for yourself and go.
Good luck. You'll know when the time is "right" though. If you're questioning it, and in public on an internet board...I'd say that's a good sign it's over.
It happens.
Don't overstay your welcome. Even if you and he were perfectly fine --- nobody fooled around on the other person and it was a genuiunely good relationship -- the relationship could simply have used up its time span and is now over.
In my case, one of the biggest red flags with my ex was the fact that I started to fear him. He never laid a hand on me, nor did he ever threaten to. But looking back, I think one of the reasons we hardly ever argued was because way deep down, I wondered if someday he might, if I ever got him angry enough.
We were both young and we each had emotional baggage to sort through. I decided that I was tired of feeling lousy and that I wanted to get help for my issues. He insisted that no counseling could ever teach him anything he didn't already know and that he was fine, JUST FINE, thank you very much. This insistence would get firmer when he drank. Not good.
That, combined with the comments he would make about my pets (he wasn't a big animal person except for his cat, and even at that he sometimes mistreated the poor thing), his plans for how best to "discipline" any children we might have (thank God there were none) and his expressions of sheer delight at the thought of being able to torture those who had wronged him... they painted a very scary picture for me over time.
On the night I finally got the nerve to tell him that I wasn't so sure we were going to work out, he drove MY car like an absolute maniac, drank almost an entire bottle of whiskey, and chewed me out for wanting to get my stuff out of his house. When his mom tried to intervene and asked us what was going on, he cursed and yelled at her too. This was the final sign that we were absolutely done.
In summation:
1. It is never, ever good to be in any way afraid of your partner. If you generally have a healthy relationship but you sometimes get the jitters about "taking the next step," a bit of nervousness about that is one thing. But if it's the person you fear, it's for a good reason. Run.
2. The way your partner treats their parents is the same way he or she will someday treat you. Are you okay with that?
3. It's not good if you rarely or never argue. If this is the case, it's because one of you is walking on eggshells around the other, in which case, see Point #1.