Family Matters
PenIsMightier
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SMIL Issues
So, hi guys, first time post on the Nest, though I was pretty active on The Knot back when I was planning my wedding; this is a different account because I could not for the life of me figure out how to reset my password that I forgot because I had issues with my email address. ANYWAY, I just need some helpful advice, or at least someone to tell it to me straight to stop being such a whiny baby. Here's a little backstory:
If anyone was on the Knot a couple years back, we may know each other, as I was pretty active in the months leading up to my wedding. Mostly because I needed the moral support because my MIL was diagnosed with stage four cancer just months before the big day, and it was all a complicated mess. Anyway, since then, within eight months of meeting a woman, my FIL remarried. DH was rather upset that his father moved on so quickly, but many talks were had, and it was definitely resolved; we all understood that FIL was an adult, could make his own decisions, and needed to do what was right for him.
My SMIL (I cannot refer to her as my MIL, I have one MIL and she is up in the bright and shiny place in the sky now) is a lovely person, but is definitely somebody that takes some getting used to, and we're still not entirely used to her. She could not be more different than FIL's late wife, which is a good thing I suppose, considering him marrying a clone of his wife would be really too hard to bear. But the thing is, she's really trying to make everyone in the family comfortable with her presence, and it's gotten to the point where she's overcompensating and becoming overbearing. I definitely feel for her; this is not an easy situation to fit yourself into, but I just don't know how to behave around her anymore.
She is very close with her nieces and nephews (she never was married or had children of her own, so she is close to her siblings and their families), and she will consistently mention them, particularly her nieces, when speaking to me about how I should be keeping my house, and how I should be planning my life. Usually I just sort of smile and nod when she talks like this, but then about a week ago, I came home to find her and my FIL in my house, cleaning. I should probably mention that DH and I recently finished college, and are living in the house (with my SIL as a roommate, which is a whole other story) that FIL lived in before moving in with his new wife, free of charge, while we pay off loans. It's an incredibly generous offer, and I know it's not really our house, but FIL has made it clear it might as well be.
I was raised by a mother who was very proud of her home, and it was a trait she passed along to me. So, I was pretty horrified when I got off a busy, long day of work to find SMIL and FIL cleaning. As much as I appreciated the gesture, it was embarrassing; we hadn't had a lot of time to clean that week because of busy schedules, but I had planned a cleaning day for my next day off. I also go into my bedroom, and find that they had gone into it to put things in there that they'd found that didn't belong in common areas, like my iPod and some tax papers I'd left lying around
This, combined with consistent "my niece Blahblah is so good at doing laundry, you should ask her for tips" type of talks, has started to really get on my nerves. I fully admit that I'm having a hard time seeing her in my MIL's place; MIL and I were incredibly close when she was still with us, and I know part of my annoyance is that I don't want to replace her. But basically, I just want to know if I'm overreacting, I guess? What should I do? Before we were married, I never really thought I'd have to deal with the overbearing MIL issue, and basically I just never prepared myself.
Re: SMIL Issues
If his dad doesn't assert that this is his right and he'll keep doing it, then perhaps DH can get to a better place of understanding and ask that his dad not do this anymore.
As for SMIL and her comments- you need to start responding. Nicely but firmly. She makes comments about how you clean, I'd look at her and firmly say "I'm comfortable with my ability to clean.". Period and just look at her.
Say something a couple times and HOPEFULLY she'll realize that she's overstepping her bounds.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto Ilumine.
Move out. Next week. Seriously. Now that you know and understand the "price" of staying in FIL's house rent-free, be grown-ups and get your own place. You might not be able to pay off your loans quite as quickly, but being self-sufficient will be worth it.
Once you have your own place, you won't have to worry about your SMIL making comments about your housekeeping skills, because you won't have to invite her over. You won't have to worry about your inlaws coming into THEIR house and moving your stuff around (as I'm sure you don't have a lease, I don't think you're legally recognized as renters and they can legally come in and do whatever they want whenever they want - it's their house). They've proven now that they don't really consider it to be "your" house......so stop playing house in theirs and get your own place.
And if I were you, I'd change your screen name. I get what it is supposed to be, but without the i in "is" being capitalized, it doesn't read that way.
Move out. That's how to solve this mess.
And move far away enough sot hat these 2 don't pop in or visit you unbidden. DOne done and done.
YOu and your H need to learn how to stand up for yourselves.
Get some counseling and learn how to be more assertive. This will be most of your battle won. GL.