In a sticky situation

lovingplanner101

I know this may be TMI, but I literally have no girlfriends to talk about this with. MY husband and I have been married for 2 years this July. I am completely in love with him but we are having problems getting on the same page when it comes to sex. If im horny he isnt and tells me to get off of him and when hes horny I feel like im obligated to have sex with him. Or he gets all mad at me. And then to top it all off I am not able to reach an orgasm because he never foreplays or does it for 3.5 minutes.. I am at my whits end.. Any ideas?

artbyallie

Have you tried talking to him about any of this outside the bedroom?

lovingplanner101

Well no, because he gets really defensive and it just ends in a fight if I try to bring it up.

I feel almost like hes bored.

doeydo

Maybe you two should go see a sex therapist.

artbyallie

You need to see a counselor at the very least. You need to be able to talk to your spouse about anything and everything.

TarponMonoxide

Well no, because he gets really defensive and it just ends in a fight if I try to bring it up.   I feel almost like hes bored.

Well, he'd better start getting with the program and LISTEN to what you have to say.

You're this sexually incompatible and yet you married him anyway???

We are guessing that you 2 were also sexually active before you were married.

Why didn't you discuss this with him then --- and if he could not or would not make good on meeting YOUR needs, you could have called it a day and moved on. Very doubtful that he turned into a 4 minute wonder once you both said I DO --- and even if he *did* you should have taken steps to rectify your situation.

You need to have another talk with him.

Outside of the bedroom. Do so this weekend, when you and he have a good length of time to discuss the topiic.

Preface it with "honey, you're so hot and we could be even hotter if" and then tell him you need more foreplay ---tell him you love to make out with him, you love it when he kisses/sucks your x, y or z and you want him to do it more!

Shop for sex manuals together --- mainstream book stores carry them.

it's important that this problem be resolved to your satisfaction.

@artbyalie is absolutely right: counseling, because the communication here is awful! If you can't communicate about what your sexual needs are and how they should be met, what the heck are you and he discussing and following through on with success?

You don't reach orgasm during sex with him?

Start out with you masturbating and puttting on a show in front of him. Bet he'd love that --- or you order him to go down on you! He does go down, doesn't he?

And if he does not, he needs to start immediately.  (I am getting the idea there is much more going on here than meets the eye --- you DO know how to get yourself off, don't you?)

It's essential for him to make sure you are happy -- and above all do NOT tell him you're not getting off.  Make sure you get what you need before intercourse so that you do have an orgasm.

If he shuts down or refuses to discuss the matter with you like a responsible caring husband, you've got bigger problems than a shot to hell sex life.

I second the counselor suggestion. Start communicatiing -- and not just about your sex life.

And it might be a good idea for you yourself to drop in and discuss this with a sex therapist.

In addition to having another talk with him, make it a must he see a counselor with you.

If he refuses to see a counselor and refuses to talk to you about improving your sex life or he shuts down and argues or he simply won't rectify what's going on and keeps to the same ole boring 3 minute in and out, you can do one of 3 things:

1-Accept the fact that sex with your husband stinks and leave it at that
2-Ask your H for permission for you to pursue an open marriage --- sex with partners that you desire, no strings attached
3-Get a divorce and move on..

rizzerazzor

I need u to inbox me please

DawnSerra

Hi there!

First of all, this is actually a really common problem, so know you aren't alone in this.

I would recommend getting a copy of Emily Nagoski's new book "Come As You Are". It is AMAZING and talks all about mismatched desire, how arousal works (it's not at all how you think), and what to do about it.

It might also be great to see if there are education opportunities in your area. It can be really fun to go to a sensual massage class or a beginning kinky class together. Even if neither of you are into whatever the topic is, it's great to pick up new ways to talk about sex together and to have those conversations in a safe, fun way.

If you're willing to tell me what big city you're near, I can offer some resources and suggestions.

One final thought - until he gets on board with learning how to be a great giver, you need to prioritize your pleasure. Take matters into your own hands, literally. When the two of you are together, make sure you're touching yourself or incorporating a toy. When you have time to yourself, get sexy and have some fun alone. Masturbation is not a poor substitute for partner sex, it's an amazing and awesome tool in a diverse toolbox of pleasure.

This is such a huge topic, I could go on forever. But I hope this helped a little bit.

Best of luck.

Dawn