Married Life
Sembree1
member
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Hygeine?
in Married Life
Dh and I did not live together prior to getting married. We have been married almost 6 weeks and are still working on getting used to living together, as well as with my 5 year old DD. My issue is, he has horrible hygeine! As in, he works 12 hour days and will go a week without showering if I don't flat out ask him if he's going to take a shower. He also brushes his teeth about once a week, or when I call him out on it. Laying in bed at night, I have flat out told him I will not kiss him until he brushes his teeth. He's worse then the 5 year old!
I don't want to feel like his mother, but I also don't want anything to do with him physically when he hasn't showered or brushed his teeth...
Suggestions?
Thanks in advance!
I don't want to feel like his mother, but I also don't want anything to do with him physically when he hasn't showered or brushed his teeth...
Suggestions?
Thanks in advance!
Re: Hygeine?
Honestly its not about "being his mother" its about taking care of him. Clearly his parents didn't teach him basic hygeine and now its your job. Start gentle but just keep instilling in him that he NEEDS to take a shower, brush his teeth, etc. Don't threaten - just insist on it-every day at the same time... If he doesn't take a shower, he'll get sick which is why he needs to... if he doesn't brush his teeth, he'll be wearing dentures in 2 years... you make him do those things because you love him. Every night remind him to take a shower... every morning and evening make him brush his teeth... don't make it because "otherwise u wont kiss him" make it a basic health need that you have to remind him about.
I make my husband take a vitamin every day and if i don't remind him he'll forget. I just told him this is what hes doing and why and then everyday i remind him- i don't feel like his "mother" just becuase he won't do something on his own. And if you do anything with enough repetition for long enough sooner or later it becomes a habit.
You and he will argue incessantly over his dental health, his body odor, his bad breath and his overall cleanliness.
You can sit him down and lay it on the line: "Starting here and now, you will shower daily and attend to your dental issues or this marriage is over" --- I don't know if you want to do that; that you have to have a talk like that with him already shows me the chances of this marriage surviving are not good.
And if perchance you do say goodbye to this guy, do NOT get serious with another guy until you have known him for at least a year. Maybe you moved too fast in this relationship; I can't see how you didn't notice how poor his hygiene was until now.
It was never an issue before. We only stayed one night together before the wedding so I don't know if he just made sure he had showered and brushed him teeth before we saw each other or if he just doesn't worry about it now that we're married?
You can tell when somebody has recently brushed their teeth. Ditto showering.
Maybe that's why you didn't have much extended intimacy with staying to gether for a length of time -- maybe he hustled you out of there before you could tell he wasn't the cleanest guy in the world.
But still:his breath has to be smelly. And you can see how white and clean somebody's teeth are.
I want to talk to him about it but I want to try to do it gently, I don't want to offend him. Unless being gentle about it doesn't work and then i'm going to have to:/
If you can't talk to your partner about this, what can you talk to him about???
I'd let him know the survival of his marriage is contingent upon his overall cleanliness and dental health --- this will also include getting his ass to a dentist and attending to whatever dental problems he has.
And if he has a fear of the dentist, he needs to get to a therapist to get over his fear. There are also dentists who will sedate a patient if the fear is that high.
DO NOT TTC WITH THIS PIG UNTIL HE LITERALLY CLEANS UP HIS ACT:
We have been married a month now, together for longer, obviously. I have an almost 6 year old from before I met him. We are at the point on wanting and being ready for a baby. We aren't at the point of charting and such yet, and I know nothing about how to do that. Should I start doing that now, or wait a few months and see if we get pregnant without charting? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you!
No, honey, you are NOT ready for a baby.
Not at all.
You are married for only a mere handful of weeks.
WAY too early to think about conceiving a child! Your marriage needs legs --- you need at least 2 years' worth of a marriage --- and one that is free of problems!
You --- and your marriage --- have a problem:
A full grown husband who cannot and will not attend to his basic hygienic needs!!!
What do you mean "oh so maybe he isn't thinking aobut it anymore now we are married" --- wow, making sure you are clean and your dental health is in excellent condition is a given!!!!
This isn't a case where he perhaps didn't get to floss for a day and it's not a case where he couldn't get to brush his teeth for a day or so. He's adamant about NOT keeping himself clean or brushing his teeth.
Birth control UP. Do not even think of getting pregnant right now.
There are also dress codes at work --- I am waiting for his boss to call him in to tell him he offends and he needs to start showering stat, along with making sure his breath doesn't smell like a year in a dog kennel...or he could lose his job.
You are also trying to rebuild your savings. When money is a problem do NOT consider having a child in the near future.
In the past year he has had deep cleanings to improve his gum health, all of his upper teeth removed, a full upper denture, his 2nd and 3rd lower molars removed and crowns placed on his 12 remaining lower teeth. He has been taught proper home care and at his last cleaning he was told that he now has perfectly healthy gums. His blood pressure is back to normal, he isn't sick all the time anymore and he has the most beautiful smile.
It has not been easy and I'm sure I have sounded like his mother but it has always been about his health. I know you're worried about offending him but don't. I know I've crossed the line with my husband and sometimes I can be a bit gruff about it but he doesn't get mad at me because he knows that I am only saying things to him out of concern, I'm not trying to be mean.
Here's what I recommend:
1. Try talking to him about the effect his poor hygiene is having on his and your health. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's not just the ew-factor?
2. Full dental check up - Comprehensive exam, full mouth series of X-rays and perio-charting/probing. The Dentist will be able to help move forward in the right step. If he has severe calculus build up they'll most likely recommend Scaling and Root Planing or at least a Full Mouth Debridement. If fear is an issue, most offices offer Nitrous and some offer Oral Conscious Sedation or even full Anesthesia.
3. Set a routine - we have a nightly routine and we brush and floss our teeth together before bed every night. I know it sounds like you're treating him like a child but it might help.
I agree with @KatieCutie05 - his parents didn't teach him basic hygiene and now it's your job.
What your husband experienced is quite a different scenario. The OP's H is just a SLOB. That's where it is at.
A kid's show host said it best years ago: Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you. Many of us kids took his advice at face value.
There is a former coworker of mine who was just plain scared of the dentist. She wound up having full dentures in her early 30s.
I know a guy who was scared by a dentist when he was maybe 14; it was no small feat for his parents to get him to a dentist after that, and then to an orthodontist.
He went as far as to have 2 of the guys in his group of friends stay with him as he was in the chair --- he was a nervous wreck.
He wore braces for almost 3 years and had a fantastic smile --- and then he just quit going to the dentist. Don't ask what shape his teeth are in. He had a front central incisor removed due to decay --- for the last many years he's had a temporary bridge there to more or less "replace" the front tooth --- he never went back to the dentist to get the real thing.
In recess, some kid pushed too hard as we were playing a schoolyard game --- and I fell and busted both my front teeth. This was in the day when it took weeks to perform a root canal --- no fun for an 8 year old.
I think the ship sailed about a million years ago as far as the OP's H and his filthy personal hygiene habits go. There isn't anything she can do about it, except argue incessantly with him and try to be a parent to him to get him to clean up his act. Not healthy and not normal for a marriage dynamic.