Officially putting off TTC.

lifeonthehill

This is a rant/vent/woe is me story.We decided last night to officially push back TTC until Spring 2016. I am pretty crushed right now but I know it is for the best. With me starting school in the fall it would be great if I could get two years full time under my belt before I switch to part time student/ SAHM. Not to mention we will be paying off $12,000 of H SL debt, saving $10,000 for a car, $6,000 to cover ins. costs and $5,000 to help with staying home the first year. We are just not going to be able to get it all done for TTC next Christmas. 

On the bright side one more year just H and I to be a happy couple and continue making amazing financial progress together. I am only 22 so I have plenty of time.  We also left the door open to start sooner if I decide I can't wait anymore. H understands how hard this is for me and knows that it will just mean some of our goals will take a little longer.  

Darn our MM brains. 

brij2006

Oh sweetie, this is never an easy decision to make, but you will be greatful that you made it.

We went through a year of TTC with fertility treatments all to take TTC off the table in the last week.  The pressure of trying to TTC and pay off all of our debt, was weighing on us.  It's never an easily decision to make, but we keep telling ourselves that we're making our financial future better for ourselves and our future family.

cbee817

You have plenty of time- I can't believe you guys were ready at such a young age. Enjoy your time as a couple- once the little ones arrive, it definitely gets pushed aside for a bit while you're in newborn mode. I would say get your degree first if you can- DH and I had all of our school complete (bachelor's and master's degrees) before we TTC and it was nice to have one less thing to worry about during pregnancy.

Xstatic3333

Internet hugs. I know it's tough, but you're making the right decision! I had many friends in school with kids, and was never sure how they could do it. I hope the time will fly by and be great for your marriage.

Side note, that's when we want to start too! Fingers crossed for winter 2016 LOs

ta78

Never an easy decision, but I will say I wish I could have waited a little longer before we started having kids. It would have been nice to be able to get a little more savings under us first.

vlagrl29

I'm sorry, that would be so hard to wait so long.  I was 30 when I gave birth to DD and I honestly couldn't have waited any longer.  DH was 34 at the time.  I'm not one of those people that want to wait until everything is paid off to have kids.  I'm not that patient.  Hopefully it will be sooner for you.

HoneyBee973

Hope the time goes by quick for you!

lifeonthehill

Thanks or the support everyone! 

I am just trying to keep my head on straight. I know this is for the best right now and I hope this time next year I can remind myself that waiting is what we should do. I wont finish my degree right off because I want to stay home for at least 5 years and I can't imagine sinking nearly 50K into an education to sit on it. 

Wulfgar

My MIL did just this, she spent 50k to get her teaching license then the only place she could get hired into was one of the worse inner city schools in our city.  She didn't even make it through the year before the principle told her she was not going to renew her contract.  About that same time we were expecting our first so now we are basically paying off my MIL's SLs by paying her to babysit our LO.

lifeonthehill

@Wulfgar I am glad you are able to help each other out but that is a really scary thought. It just feels like even with a degree jobs are hard to come by.

Xstatic3333

Alyssa, what are you planning to study? Have you decided yet?

vlagrl29

alyssa32713 said:

@Wulfgar I am glad you are able to help each other out but that is a really scary thought. It just feels like even with a degree jobs are hard to come by.

they are which is why i started my own business.  it's scary out there.

lifeonthehill

Xstatic3333 said:

Alyssa, what are you planning to study? Have you decided yet?

That is the worst part. The job I would love to have only exists in the school I work in now. If we went to any other school in New England I wouldn't have the opportunity to work the job I would love. I am getting a B.A. Liberal Studies with a minor is Special Education and a minor in English.  

ETA:I am enrolled in these specific programs because that is what will make me the most applicable for this job. I don't know if it will be of much use to me beyond this campus which is frustrating. 

Sisugal

I would complete your degree and get some job security before starting a family.  Long term it will pay great dividends.
In the meantime, continue to make good financial decisions that support your long term goals and pay off debt, build savings.
I understand the urge to do it/have it now. Sticking to your long term goal will build character which will be tested over and over . 
Success comes to those who are willing to do what it takes.
Good luck (from the mom who had to wait 6 years before starting a family)

sillygoosegirl

I wanted to TTC so badly when I was 22 years old and a newlywed.  I'm sure we would have found a way to make it work if that's what we'd decided, but nine years later, I am so glad we waited.  We've done so much in those years that we couldn't have done with children.  We've saved up more money than I could even imagine back then.  We've purchased a nicer house than I thought we'd ever be able to afford.  We've both become more successful in our careers than I ever thought we would (to the point where we will have a ton more parenting options than we would have when we were younger).  We've also visited 23 countries and I don't even know how many states together in that time.  Somewhere in there I learned that I don't need children to make me happy, and now that I'm pregnant, I'm really happy to know that... because, frankly, babies don't make people happy (all the research indicates quite the opposite, actually).  

Don't spend these next 2 years sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.  Make yourself a list of interesting, fun, and useful things you can do in the mean time.  Give yourself a couple months to compile the list, and I bet you find there is more on it that you want to do than you can accomplish in just two years, or even 2 years and 9 months.  Will everything ever be 100% perfectly ready... probably not, even if your life looks like it is on paper, you'll probably still have a couple things on your wish list to do (I know I do), but you still have plenty of time, so make the most of it.  

What might you do?

- Keep working on your degree (see, you already have one thing on your list)

- Go on a road trip

- Start saving for retirement

- Climb a mountain

- Save for a house

- Kayak to an uninhabited island to camp

- Go to Europe or Mexico or Asia (doesn't have to be that expensive if you stay in hostels, and is still super fun)

- Spend lots of time with your friends, make some new friends

vlagrl29

I really wanted a baby at 25 when I married my first husband.  I'm a totally different person then than I am now and I'm glad it never happened back them.  30 was the perfect age for me to have DD.

lifeonthehill

For everyone talking about trying later in life I completely understand and that just doesn't seem to be what is right for me. H will probably be 28 when we actually start trying and I think as long as he is comfortable with it and wants to I will be on board. I wish we did but we don't have that travel itch. Haha. 

Maybe in two years when it comes time we still wont be ready and will end up waiting but right now that hardly seems possible. We are already doing so well that I know we could handle everything it would just take longer than we would like so for now we will hold off. 

brij2006

alyssa32713 said:

Maybe in two years when it comes time we still wont be ready and will end up waiting but right now that hardly seems possible. We are already doing so well that I know we could handle everything it would just take longer than we would like so for now we will hold off. 

This part I can relate to.  We were actually TTC at age 25 and 27.  We knew we could make it financially just fine, but when we started really focusing on debts we realized getting pregnant would turn our 2 year plan of being debt free into close to a 4-5 year plan.  Then we realized we could delay TTC a couple more years to focus on paying off the debts, and we will likely be 29 and 31 when we TTC again.  

It's a difficult decision for sure, but all of our friends have children now and started in their mid 20's.  They are in debt up to their eyeballs, and some are adding to said debt in order to afford their children.  This is something we just don't want to have to face.  Not saying I want to spoil my children, but I don't want to never go on a date night or hire a sitter because of our financials.  Kids are stressful to begin with, then toss on top of it the financial strain.  2 more years feels like nothing.  

Ask others who waited, if they regretted it.  I've found that I've heard people say they wished they would've waited longer, more than I hear people say they regret waiting.

lifeonthehill

brij2006 said:

alyssa32713 said:

Maybe in two years when it comes time we still wont be ready and will end up waiting but right now that hardly seems possible. We are already doing so well that I know we could handle everything it would just take longer than we would like so for now we will hold off. 

This part I can relate to.  We were actually TTC at age 25 and 27.  We knew we could make it financially just fine, but when we started really focusing on debts we realized getting pregnant would turn our 2 year plan of being debt free into close to a 4-5 year plan.  Then we realized we could delay TTC a couple more years to focus on paying off the debts, and we will likely be 29 and 31 when we TTC again.  

Exactly! We were set to be debt free at Halloween and planned to start a baby fund to build up before Christmas. But now that we would like me to get a jump start on a degree and pay for it all in cash we just cant make it all happen in the next year. We need two or three. I would rather have everything set and start TTC when I am 24 or 25 than start now and have debt hanging around another 5+ years. 

vlagrl29

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

lifeonthehill

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

vlagrl29

alyssa32713 said:

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

I grew up an only child and so did DH so we have always agreed on 2.  We can't afford more than that either.  I honestly don't know how people can especially when the mom doesn't work.

I'm terrified to be pregnant again, but another baby just seems like it will complete our family.

Xstatic3333

vlagrl29 said:

alyssa32713 said:

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

I grew up an only child and so did DH so we have always agreed on 2.  We can't afford more than that either.  I honestly don't know how people can especially when the mom doesn't work.

I'm terrified to be pregnant again, but another baby just seems like it will complete our family.

We're both onlys too and I rarely meet others in the same situation. In a perfect world we'd only want one (We both want to work and we won't be able to afford two in daycare at the same time) but I worry about giving our child no siblings or cousins. Le sigh...I guess we'll see what happens!

lifeonthehill

Xstatic3333 said:

alyssa32713 said:

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

I grew up an only child and so did DH so we have always agreed on 2.  We can't afford more than that either.  I honestly don't know how people can especially when the mom doesn't work.

I'm terrified to be pregnant again, but another baby just seems like it will complete our family.

We're both onlys too and I rarely meet others in the same situation. In a perfect world we'd only want one (We both want to work and we won't be able to afford two in daycare at the same time) but I worry about giving our child no siblings or cousins. Le sigh...I guess we'll see what happens!

I can't commit to two because of the money issues. However as one of 12 cousins on my dads side alone and all of us living in the same general area there will always be someone around for when they are older. Also we live in a very tight knit community so there are always kids on campus that are very close and are together every day. 

If I had my heart set on two I would probably never have the 1st because I don't know if we could ever swing it. 

vlagrl29

I have totes of DD's too small baby clothes ready in case we have another girl.  Watch it be a boy and I will sell all those clothes on CL the next day  There are plenty of free things for DD to do at this age.  We are starting kids yoga class tomorrow with her and all they require is a small donations of whatever you are comfy with.  As she gets older we will only allow her 1 paid activity that she wants to do because we can't afford more than that and it will be the same for the 2nd kid.  Luckily we don't have daycare to worry about, that can literally be a small mortgage.

@alyssa - you guys seem to be in a great financial situation.  I bet you can afford 2 kids.  I know it's scary to think.

vlagrl29

Xstatic3333 said:

alyssa32713 said:

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

I grew up an only child and so did DH so we have always agreed on 2.  We can't afford more than that either.  I honestly don't know how people can especially when the mom doesn't work.

I'm terrified to be pregnant again, but another baby just seems like it will complete our family.

We're both onlys too and I rarely meet others in the same situation. In a perfect world we'd only want one (We both want to work and we won't be able to afford two in daycare at the same time) but I worry about giving our child no siblings or cousins. Le sigh...I guess we'll see what happens!

my first husband was an only kid as well.  I think only kids may be attracted to each other.  I worry that I will be the only kid able to take care of my parents when they get older.  That will be a LOT of work without siblings help.

Xstatic3333

vlagrl29 said:

Xstatic3333 said:

vlagrl29 said:

alyssa32713 said:

vlagrl29 said:

you also need to factor in how many kids you want.  We only want 2.  DD is 3 now and we are going to do the 5 year age gap, so when she is in kindergarden we will have another newborn.  I will be 35 or 36 when LO 2 is born.

I have friends that pop out kids every 2-3 years like a baby making machine  That doesn't work for us mentally or financially.  But if you ideally want 4-5 kids you would have to start young, mid 20s.

Hadn't thought of it that way. We plan to be OAD but who knows. I would have 2 if H was on board. I grew up in a huge family and as much as I loved it we can't afford to have 5 or 6 kids. It is out of the question for us.

I grew up an only child and so did DH so we have always agreed on 2.  We can't afford more than that either.  I honestly don't know how people can especially when the mom doesn't work.

I'm terrified to be pregnant again, but another baby just seems like it will complete our family.

We're both onlys too and I rarely meet others in the same situation. In a perfect world we'd only want one (We both want to work and we won't be able to afford two in daycare at the same time) but I worry about giving our child no siblings or cousins. Le sigh...I guess we'll see what happens!


my first husband was an only kid as well.  I think only kids may be attracted to each other.  I worry that I will be the only kid able to take care of my parents when they get older.  That will be a LOT of
work without siblings help.

We worry about that too! My parents have already brought it up to me-they let me know they've planned well for their care and want to go to assisted living once it's time (though of course we'll still visit a ton!) H's not so much. We know his dad has nothing saved, and aren't sure about his mom. Yet another argument for prioritizing retirement!

Xstatic3333

vlagrl29 said:

I have totes of DD's too small baby clothes ready in case we have another girl.  Watch it be a boy and I will sell all those clothes on CL the next day  There are plenty of free things for DD to do at this age.  We are starting kids yoga class tomorrow with her and all they require is a small donations of whatever you are comfy with.  As she gets older we will only allow her 1 paid activity that she wants to do because we can't afford more than that and it will be the same for the 2nd kid.  Luckily we don't have daycare to worry about, that can literally be a small mortgage.

@alyssa - you guys seem to be in a great financial situation.  I bet you can afford 2 kids.  I know it's scary to think.

Ditto this, Alyssa. Especially since you're already planning to be able to stay home. For us the only real killer is the daycare. Plus, there are a few other reasons for leaning OAD for us. We do have that pesky travel bug and would love to bring LO along. That gets much tougher with two!

vlagrl29

Xstatic3333 said:

I have totes of DD's too small baby clothes ready in case we have another girl.  Watch it be a boy and I will sell all those clothes on CL the next day  There are plenty of free things for DD to do at this age.  We are starting kids yoga class tomorrow with her and all they require is a small donations of whatever you are comfy with.  As she gets older we will only allow her 1 paid activity that she wants to do because we can't afford more than that and it will be the same for the 2nd kid.  Luckily we don't have daycare to worry about, that can literally be a small mortgage.

@alyssa - you guys seem to be in a great financial situation.  I bet you can afford 2 kids.  I know it's scary to think.

Ditto this, Alyssa. Especially since you're already planning to be able to stay home. For us the only real killer is the daycare. Plus, there are a few other reasons for leaning OAD for us. We do have that pesky travel bug and would love to bring LO along. That gets much tougher with two!

I'm sure it does.  We are going to sanibel island in 2 months and doing a direct flight there with DD. We didn't want any layovers that made an 8 hour travel day with DD.

Also DD is OBSESSED with babies. I can tell she will want a sibling and I want to provide that for her….I'm just scared to death like I mentioned earlier of those lovely 9 months of sickness.

daisy662

I think it is wise that you have decided to wait. When I was 23 I would have been a totally different mom than I am today at 36. I had my first baby at 34 and my kids are 17 months apart. I have always wanted to have my kids close together but if I want to have a 3rd I didn't really have a choice because I want to be done having kids well before I am 40. I am soooooooo glad I didn't get pregnant when I tried with my first husband in my early 20's. I had a great career and he would have been a good dad, but wow do things change in 10 years. In a perfect world I would have started having kids in my late 20's. You have tons of time. I would highly recommend having your schooling behind you and all debt paid off with a nice emergency fund before you begin trying. I know it's hard to wait, but you will be glad you did!!