What do I do??

Watermelon26

Me and my husband are starting to think about having kids and buying a house. I was so excited to start moving forward with our lives. Only during or trip to see his family his weekend he would tell me off in front of his family and was really rude. I kept asking him if he was okay and he would say yes. I just brushed it off. Well, after visiting his family I started having some concerns with the move and having a baby. I tried to address them and he brushed it off. He told me my feelings were invalid. I got frustrated because I didn't feel like he was really listening and trying to help. He noticed that I was getting frustrated and he got really mad at me. He left for work moments later with out saying much to me at all. He has not done this in a long time. I am not sure how to address it. He is not speaking to me now for much more than telling me he is leaving for work or saying hi when he gets home. Any suggestions?

doeydo

Watermelon26 said:

Me and my husband are starting to think about having kids and buying a house. I was so excited to start moving forward with our lives. Only during or trip to see his family his weekend he would tell me off in front of his family and was really rude. I kept asking him if he was okay and he would say yes. I just brushed it off. Well, after visiting his family I started having some concerns with the move and having a baby. I tried to address them and he brushed it off. He told me my feelings were invalid. I got frustrated because I didn't feel like he was really listening and trying to help. He noticed that I was getting frustrated and he got really mad at me. He left for work moments later with out saying much to me at all. He has not done this in a long time. I am not sure how to address it. He is not speaking to me now for much more than telling me he is leaving for work or saying hi when he gets home. Any suggestions?

Go to get counselling at least for yourself.  This does not sound like a healthy relationship and might be abusive.  Feelings are never invalid. Do not try to conceive at this point.

DaringMiss

And don't have a kid with someone who doesn't respect you.

You guys have a huge communication issue and the added house/kid responsibilities will make things much worse.  Solve it BEFORE adding more stress and legal entanglements.  If he can't talk to you like an adult or treat you like a partner NOW, he isn't going to magically transform once the mortgage is signed or the baby is expelled from your vagina.

GilliC

Couples therapy. It's extremely hard to solve communication issues this significant on your own.

And I completely agree with DaringMiss. Put all house-buying baby-having plans on hold until you get this sorted out. If you have this much trouble communicating about not-so-big things, adding some major stress points and potential disagreements into the mix is a recipe for disaster.

TarponMonoxide

Watermelon26 said:

Me and my husband are starting to think about having kids and buying a house. I was so excited to start moving forward with our lives. Only during or trip to see his family his weekend he would tell me off in front of his family and was really rude.

He told you off in front of his family???

If that is what he did, I'd sure have a great big issue with that. In fact, that would probably have been the end of him right there.

I can't uderstand why you are with this guy, based on what you just said.

I kept asking him if he was okay and he would say yes. I just brushed it off. Well, after visiting his family I started having some concerns with the move and having a baby. I tried to address them and he brushed it off. He told me my feelings were invalid. I got frustrated because I didn't feel like he was really listening and trying to help. He noticed that I was getting frustrated and he got really mad at me. He left for work moments later with out saying much to me at all. He has not done this in a long time. I am not sure how to address it. He is not speaking to me now for much more than telling me he is leaving for work or saying hi when he gets home. Any suggestions?

Something is fishy here and you should not have to walk on eggs around your husband.

You need to have a talk with him. Accept no excuses from him.

I don't know what could be wrong here. Maybe he wants out, or he's having an affair --- I can only guess. He's got no call to treat you the way he is treating you.

See a counselor yourself --- see one tomorrow (even a crisis team worker at a hospital will do) and bounce your H's behavior off that person. See what he or she has to say about this.

Don't tarry and don't delay. YOu didn't get married to be sentenced to a prison. GL.

TarponMonoxide

You have been having on going problems with your H.  He won't stand up for you and make sure they get it that you are HIS family now.

I will suggest counseling for the both of you  but my spidey sense tells me your H has emotionally checked out.  That should have been the end of him when he told you off in front of his family.

You needed to have it out with him over this one --- they have never included you in anything???? Why this is bad news: your H never spoke up to make sure you WERE included:

I have been having problems with my in-laws since I got engaged to my Husband but they seem to be getting worse and my husband doesn't seem to think that his family is doing anything wrong and is blaming me for all the problems. The most recent problem came around at my SIL wedding. His family has never tried to include me in anything family wise. After the ceremony they were taking pictures. His sister was barking orders at the photographer as to who would be in each picture. She said she wanted a family picture. I was not sure if that ment me or not so I waited for them to say something. No one (not even my husband) said anything about me being in the family picture. Then she had a siblings picture.

Being her SIL and thinking I was family I was sure I was going to be in this one. She asked for her best friends to be in it but not me. When I mentioned this to my husband he said I was not real family so I wasn't going to be in it.

YOU are not real family????

What the ***?????

Is he kidding????

You ARE "real family": you are HIS family and vice versa. Honey, you needed to make sure you had it out with him over this one and HOW!

I didn't understand what made me not real family. It really hurt my feelings. Now there has been a big blow up about me ruining her wedding and stuff. My husband thinks that I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is and he says I need to apologize for ruining her big day. I have nothing to apologize for.....Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do. I have tried loving his family but I can't keep putting myself in situations where I am rejected.

I agree with the PP who says you and your H do not have a healthy relationship.

Give thought to showing this guy the door --- do you want a potential 50 years of being third fiddle and coming in dead last, all this while your H won't stick up for you?

Think about it.

Watermelon26

We are already in counseling and things were going so well until this trip. We had most of our problems worked out. This is something new. 

Watermelon26

TarponMonoxide: Things have gotten better with his family, mostly because I have been trying really hard for his sake. I want things to be a little bit better with his family because now my family is not talking to me. He has stood up for me a couple of times but they are usually with not so trivial things. The whole issue at his sisters wedding is not brought up anymore because we don't want to fight about it. The counseling has helped some but I still think he doesn't fully get it. 

magsugar13

Sounds like your concerned about how to make things good for him, and he doesnt really seem too worried about you.

cloudymeatballs

^^^ agreed!

TarponMonoxide

Watermelon26 said:

TarponMonoxide: Things have gotten better with his family, mostly because I have been trying really hard for his sake. I want things to be a little bit better with his family because now my family is not talking to me.

There shouldn't even be a battle! When they started this  bullshit, he needed to se them straight ---and if they are this horrid to you, he needed to cut them out of your lives...until they stopped the rancor once and for all. Than maybe he'd talk to them about letting them re-enter your lives... but that is not how it went.

Why isn't YOUR family talking to you? What happend?

He has stood up for me a couple of times but they are usually with not so trivial things. The whole issue at his sisters wedding is not brought up anymore because we don't want to fight about it. The counseling has helped some but I still think he doesn't fully get it. 

You maybe be fighting a losing battle. He needs to bethe one to put them in their place.

Where did you find this gem?

Tofumonkey

Watermelon26 said:

We are already in counseling and things were going so well until this trip. We had most of our problems worked out. This is something new. 

I'm all for working on a marriage instead of throwing it away, but sometimes I can't help but shake my head at posts like these and think that marriage shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't.

TarponMonoxide

Tofumonkey said:

Watermelon26 said:

We are already in counseling and things were going so well until this trip. We had most of our problems worked out. This is something new. 

I'm all for working on a marriage instead of throwing it away, but sometimes I can't help but shake my head at posts like these and think that marriage shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't.

I am still flabbergasted that the OP didn't hit the roof and take off when her very own husband told her off in front of his family.

OP: Is your H from another culture?

If he is, you have a whole other unique problem on your hands, to top off the problems that are there.

What a mess.

I don't know if this mess can be fixed. This has been ongoing and what is worse is that your H seems to be part of the mess.

For yourself:

Go to a counselor and get some advice. You also need to learn how to stick up for yoruself more -- don't let this bunch drag you down and treat you like a nobody.

BlueBirdMB

If my husband told me off in front of his family, I would grab the keys and leave.  My in laws live 5 hours aways- I would freakin leave the asshole there and drive the 5 hours back home.  He would have to do a lot of groveling and apologizing before i would let him back in my house.  You're being far too forgiving.  Have some self-respect- you deserve better than that type of treatment. 

Any problems with his family are something he should be dealing with, but all he's doing is making it much worse.  If he doesn't respect you in front of his family, why should they respect you.  

Leftie22

He sounds awful. Why do you want to be with someone who tells you off, refuses to apologize or even acknowledge your feelings and gets mad at you for trying to have a discussion? And who then gives you the silent treatment? Shouldn't he be concerned about your feelings, instead of angry about them? @Tofumonkey is right, it shouldn't be that hard. Everyone has problems and things they need to work on, but the basic respect, decency and caring should be there, no matter what.

LeaZ

I had similar issues with my ex and his family, only we have a baby and things only got really, really bad after the baby was born, so I left. Trust me, you do not want to bring a child into this mess, I am stuck dealing with my ex and his horrible family from now on and us splitting up has only made things harder to deal with because of the baby.  Follow the PP's advice and do some counselining on your own to help you process what is going on and how the situation is affecting you.

 

Good luck.